Husband Says I'm selfish and dont understand him

[Noideawhattodo101]

Basically my husband is currently not speaking to me as we had a family party at our house today and there were more people than we were expecting (due to family members being free that we weren't expecting to be and coming along) about 12 people plus me and our baby. Its DCs first christmas, so I think people wanted to see DC and bring presents etc.
My husband has social anxiety and so when more people arrived he went upstairs to our bedroom and basically hid.

I went to see where he was and he had a go at me saying there was a house full and he didn't feel comfortable and it was my fault for inviting everyone and that now he had to leave his own house. He left shortly after, without a word, and only got back about half an hour ago. He didn't speak to me but made himself some dinner and sat in the other room. I went to see if he was ok and was met with a barrage of abuse about how unfeeling I was and how dare I be so selfish (he used some choice words which I wont repeat) and told me to get out of his sight.

We are due to go to his family tomorrow and I dont really want to go and pretend like everything is ok when it clearly isn't and have him not speak to me all day but his mum will be disappointed to not see DC and I doubt he will take DC alone.

Was I being selfish? How do I make amends? Do we go tomorrow and make the best of it? I'm worried that our DCs first christmas is going to be tainted now.

Thanks for reading if you got this far and for any help or advice.

Fidgety31 likened this situation to something her son with Asperger's would do.

When I read your post OP, my first thought was that your husband could have ASD and not just a case of "social anxiety" where he needs to "grow up", as others have suggested.

I don't condone the way he spoke to you - but this could have been an over-reaction to a situation where he felt completely out of his depth. He could also be panicking that this will be how Christmases are in the future.

I don't think you need to apologise to him, but perhaps you both need to discuss your expectations for the future and find some level ground.

I have social anxiety and understand why he hid away. However, his behaviour afterwards is not acceptable. He should apologise for the way he acted. It doesn't matter how scared he was, it's no excuse for treating you that way.

He also needs treatment. He isn't managing it well at all. He's just got into a routine that avoids social interaction. He can't be a good role model or do his share of parenting in his current state. What will happen on your child's birthdays? Their school plays?
It's a lot of hard work to get over social anxiety. If he's not prepared to make the effort then maybe you shouldn't be together.

As someone who doesn’t have social anxiety this amount of people in my house for a few hours wouldn’t bother me. However as a parent of a child who has ASD and suffers with social anxiety i am quite aware how difficult social anxiety can be so I can only imagine how hard this would have been for your husband. He didn’t feel comfortable in his own home. This has happened to me a couple of times when MIL invited family members to my house when I wasn’t there without asking. The first I knew about it was when I got home. It’s truly horrible to feel uncomfortable in your own home which should be your safe space. You know he suffers social anxiety so I am a little surprised you invited so many people to your home at the same time. You need to find a balance here for the future in the sense you feel you can welcome your family into both your home but not so many of them at one time that your dh feels uncomfortable in his home. Given you know he suffers social anxiety you maybe were unreasonable to invite so many people over at one time.

You sound lovely op but really how can you understand his view more, how can he understand yours. Wha5 is he doing to put things right between you. Making his own food and sitting in another room!

I would go tomorrow as nit fair on in-laws but I would make sure you go in your car or drive his so you can leave when you want. Also I would tell the in-laws that he’s not speaking to you as too many of your family came today. I would not pretend all is fine.

Why shouldn’t you have all your family for one day over Xmas and your babies first Xmas. Do you have to entertain multiple times in 2’s and 3’s, that would be exhausting with a new baby. Is he thinking if you? Or are you not allowed to invite your friends/family round?

For those posters saying 12 unexpected guests is too many, read the ops post, 12 guests in total, including some invited but unexpected.

I feel sorry for him. 12 people in my house would freak me out too. I think you could say you genuinely hadn't appreciated the extent of his feelings (how could you tbf if you don't feel that way, they were "just" family etc), go together tomorrow and go to see GP with him with a view to counselling/CBT. These things don't seem rational to the sufferer or those affected by their suffering. Don't be too hard on yourself.

And yes, I do 100% of the nursery liaison, 100% of the taking DC to playgroups, swimming, playing in the park, and any other activities out of the house, and I fully expect to do 100% of managing DC’s social life and hobbies when they are at school. I’m not a SAHM, I work longer hours than DH. I just prioritise it. That’s fine, I like to see DC blossoming and doing well. But if I was run over by a bus tomorrow, DC would probably never leave the house again except to go to school.

How many people were you actually expecting? If he's geared himself up to be 4 and suddenly there is 12 I could see why he would lash out in a panic

(Those saying he's being a twat, controlling etc just don't get it)

Those saying he's being a twat, controlling etc just don't get it

I get why he didn’t like it and went upstairs/left the house. He’s being a twat still refusing to speak to her hours later.

He sounds awful. You poor thing. Everyone there to meet your baby and he creates this drama.

Please don't spend the next few years forgiving him and writing it all off as due to 'social anxiety'. There is no excuse for him speaking to you like that and unless he comes up with a massive apology this does not bode well for your future. You deserve better. He needs to grow up.

If he has social anxiety which is affecting your lives, then it is his responsibility to address it and get help for it.

It is not your responsibility to manage it or collude in his avoidance strategy.

heartsonacake if you really can't just go out with social anxiety, then Noideawhattodo101 's husband doesn't have it, as going out is exactly what he did - and abused her for it "look what you made me do" style...

And yes, I do 100% of the nursery liaison, 100% of the taking DC to playgroups, swimming, playing in the park, and any other activities out of the house, and I fully expect to do 100% of managing DC’s social life and hobbies when they are at school. I’m not a SAHM, I work longer hours than DH. I just prioritise it. That’s fine, I like to see DC blossoming and doing well. But if I was run over by a bus tomorrow, DC would probably never leave the house again except to go to school.

Anxiety works for differently for different people, but I can say that my DS doesn't suffer from never leaving the house because of my GAD. I have to do the school runs, sort out playdates, do afterschool shit, because my partner works long and odd hours.

keeping DS inside for more than a day is not an option, he goes stir crazy.

Even at my worst I still managed to do something, even if it was playing outside infront of the house. Quite frankly those days I called it a win

I've tried to get him to see someone about his social anxiety but he says he manages it himself by not going places he knows will make it bad and not sipping himself in that situation

Or maybe because we do get it, we know that his way of "managing" it is not fair on the OP , their child as they'll grow up or even him.

If he had a physical condition that he "managed" with homeopathy or chinese herbs that prevented him and OP to live their life to the full would you be as understanding?

It is not your responsibility to manage it or collude in his avoidance strategy

Theres quite a chasm between colluding avoidance and inviting 12 people into your home... Seemingly without much warning!

This whole thread makes me feel so sad. I have ASD and having that many unexpected visitors in my home, my safe space, my bubble, would completely overwhelm me and it would take me hours to come back down from it. If anyone tried to approach me to discuss while I was still winding down I would probably lash out too purely because I'm overwhelmed and trying to decompress to too much "peopling" having that type of discussion is intense peopling and I wouldn't be able to handle it until I was level again.
All this comments saying he's controlling and name calling etc just break my heart because unless you're in that head space you just can't imagine how it feels. I didn't realise I was on the spectrum until I was in my early 30s and wasn't diagnosed unt I was in my mid 30s. Until then all this nasty type of judgement was aimed at me too. Step outside yourselves people and realise some of us just don't work the way you do x

What did you say when you went up to him? Dif you st any point tell him that he had to come downstairs and join in, or to stop being silly or anything like that?

I’m going to go against the grain here too - my DP hates having anyone in the house who doesn’t live here. If I have friends over it has to be when he is in work. How long have you lived together? Has anything like this happened before?

heartsonacake if you really can't just go out with social anxiety, then Noideawhattodo101 's husband doesn't have it, as going out is exactly what he did - and abused her for it "look what you made me do" style...

MrsMillerbecameababy When I said you “can’t just” I meant it’s not easy, because it isn’t. He was forced out of his safe space into the unknown, and with SA for him to actually go out away from his safe space he must have been so anxious and stressed, so vulnerable and scared. Hence he lashed out, because he was forced out of his home.

Thenamedame after considerable time alone to calm down and regroup he returned home, made himself food without offering any to his breastfeeding wife, and let loose a barrage of abuse.

This is not in the moment, under pressure, but some time later after having time to calm down.

In that context the abuse is not excusable.

Not speaking to you?! That's what children do. Tell him he's an adult and you expect him to behave like one so he needs to grow up now.

You have a child. Your dh is modelling appalling behaviour, sulky and immature. Does he want that to be what his children learn from him?

Tell him to grow the fuck up and talk about his problems like an adult.

Dif you st any point tell him that he had to come downstairs and join in, or to stop being silly or anything like that?

Lulualla Excuse me? He wasn’t “being silly”, he’s suffering from a mental health condition that clouds his judgement and makes him unable to function successfully in social environments.

I have GAD and might have found this difficult until I got treatment. However, lashing out at you was unacceptable. You're allowed to see your family and if more people turned up than expected, you couldn't help it - you could hardly tell them to go away.

He needs to recognise that you're allowed to be sociable even if he finds it difficult. I held parties for DH's sake even before I had treatment, because he's more outgoing.

Now I'm on AD's and have had some CBT, I enjoy parties myself. So there is hope.

How many people were you expecting?

Does he realise that the extras were unexpected by you?

I have a friend whose wife is really bad for organising situations she’s comfortable with (my friend hates large crowds) and then springing another few “surprise” guests on her. The last one caused a huge row because it was basically the wife trying to force her into a larger situation than she’s comfortable with

An extra 12 people in a home setting is a lot unless you live in a mansion

i do think your painting it from the side of somenoe met with an out of control(and at the end of the day) ill person. he will have felt threatened,frightened and almost like he was going to explode with fear.social anxiety is the fucking pits.and though i do think him hurling insults was wrong i have also seen the wall and fear and inner turmoil that comes with the condition.
and you do know he suffers,and like with other illness you have to work with your family and then plan to help them.whether thats anxiety,cancer,dimentia whatever.illness means changes and you have to try and accomodate all of you.
to have this sprung on him i can see how his head went to where it did.and i think the posters telling you he is selfish and getting out of things just dont get it.
also with regards to getting help this is another well worn out line about "well if you arent getting help its your fault or you cant say a word"blah blah blah. people with these types o conditions struggle so much more to get help.to feel able to.there are many reasons why. due to lack of understanding,due to shame,due to fear,due to needing to open wounds an horrible places you just cant go to.it isnt like other illness where you to the docs and get a cure or not.its so much more than that.
so i can see you being hurt.i can tell him he was a dick for exploding.but i also feel incredibly sorry for him if this is how scared and bad it is.