Husband Says I'm selfish and dont understand him

[Noideawhattodo101]

Basically my husband is currently not speaking to me as we had a family party at our house today and there were more people than we were expecting (due to family members being free that we weren't expecting to be and coming along) about 12 people plus me and our baby. Its DCs first christmas, so I think people wanted to see DC and bring presents etc.
My husband has social anxiety and so when more people arrived he went upstairs to our bedroom and basically hid.

I went to see where he was and he had a go at me saying there was a house full and he didn't feel comfortable and it was my fault for inviting everyone and that now he had to leave his own house. He left shortly after, without a word, and only got back about half an hour ago. He didn't speak to me but made himself some dinner and sat in the other room. I went to see if he was ok and was met with a barrage of abuse about how unfeeling I was and how dare I be so selfish (he used some choice words which I wont repeat) and told me to get out of his sight.

We are due to go to his family tomorrow and I dont really want to go and pretend like everything is ok when it clearly isn't and have him not speak to me all day but his mum will be disappointed to not see DC and I doubt he will take DC alone.

Was I being selfish? How do I make amends? Do we go tomorrow and make the best of it? I'm worried that our DCs first christmas is going to be tainted now.

Thanks for reading if you got this far and for any help or advice.

heartsonacake he lashed out some considerable time later, not in the heat of the moment.

I have Asperger’s and the thing about this situation which would have triggered a meltdown for me would have been the change: expecting x guests but getting y guests (where y > x)

I would have been angry, have probably tried to retreat as your husband did, but wouldn’t have been abusive.

But neurotypical people do not understand this response (as we don’t get NT responses to certain situations either). We (well certainly I) can’t control it and the frustration at myself at not being able to control my own response then has a further detrimental effect. A vicious circle.

I take lots of medication to manage anxiety, depression and insomnia but it doesn’t cure me. Because autism is a difference not an illness. It is extremely stressful being an autistic person in a world set up and designed by NT people.

He may or may not be autistic or have another neurological difference. If he is, then you need to understand that you will not understand him all the time and correspondingly, he will not understand you at certain times. I have no idea whether he is or not (and such a diagnosis can ONLY be given by qualified professionals - despite many many many threads on MN suggesting it’s straightforward to diagnose). I am simply offering an autistic perspective.

When things are calmer, then talk. His reaction (and yours) will tell you more about the issues you are facing.

For those asking, there were 3 more people than we were expecting. There were 14 in total including me, my husband and DC. One other was also a baby though. Sorry I counted wrong first time.

I think I need to apologise for the space invasion but let him know that his behaviour towards me was unacceptable and strongly suggest to him that he needs to get help in some form or another as it is not a constructive or healthy way to bring up our baby.

I do struggle with understanding his feelings and social anxiety but I will try harder. I wasnt trying to railroad him I just didn't see it as a big issue as he knows all of them!

You don't apologise. He dealt with the anxiety by retreating to a room and then leaving the house. That's fine. He doesn't get to curb you or DC's lives because he has social anxiety. That is not reasonable or caring.

Go to MIL's tomorrow. If you have a good relationship with her, tell her what happened today and ask how he dealt with family situations growing up or if she has any suggestions. Stress that you becoming a recluse isn't a solution.

Either he does sincerely struggle or he's manipulative and controlling. MIL's reaction and his reaction to MIL knowing how he behaved, will tell you a lot about which it is.

It's pretty clear from the opening post that there were a total of twelve guests, not twelve extra guests.

@kateandme Getting angry at your partner because you have social anxiety isn't OK. I've done that in the past and now realise that it's my problem, not my DH's.

He could tell her that it made it uncomfortable, but not blame and accuse her. It's not her fault that he has social anxiety.

@ Thenamedame agree 100%

(I took so long to write my response I hadn’t seen yours but I was trying to write something similar I think)

What's social anxiety got to do with him being a horrible little fucker to his wife all evening? It's not a free pass to treat everyone around you with venom and doesn't give you complete freedom to act as you wish, disregarding how everybody else feels

heartsonacake he lashed out some considerable time later, not in the heat of the moment.

MrsMillerbecameababy Spoken from ignorance. I’m quite envious, to be honest. It must be lovely to not know such terror at what the majority see as normal, everyday situations.

Anxiety is not like when you get angry or in a temper, there is no “heat of the moment”.

He will have been on high alert from the moment those people turned up, even more so when he felt forced out of his home, and when he came back his home won’t have felt safe. He will most likely have been on high alert for the rest of the the day.

He will have felt he was put in an uncomfortable, frightening, stress-inducing situation that he cannot cope with - both physically and mentally - and that doesn’t go away when the situation is over. It lingers for a long time afterwards.

ACouchOfOnesOwn that's good advice, though he may not have had a mental health disorder as a child assuming he has a social phobia or anxiety disorder not ASD. Talking about it with MIL openly sounds an excellent idea.

heartsonacake and entitles him to abuse the mother of his baby for as long as he likes until she behaves as he wishes?

Some of the comments on this thread have me wondering if I need to go to Specsavers!

OP, unless your guests were storming his bedroom this man was not forced out of his home, he walked out straight out of it on his own petulant steam. If I were you I'd buy myself a diary and enter this incident in it, all the details and the date, and do the same with every other incident that follows on from it. I'd bet my eye-teeth there'll be plenty and believe me it's highly likely the day will come when you'll wonder if you're going mad. That'll be the day your diary will come in handy.

If you think this is reasonable behaviour you may as well lie down on your hallway floor and get comfortable because that's the usual position of a doormat, and if your husband thinks it's reasonable behaviour it's not the next few days you need to worry about; it's the rest of your life.

@ heartsonacake So because of this, he unleashed a barrage of abuse at his DW and told her to get out of his sight.

And that's OK?

Sorry, but it's not. And I speak as someone who used to take out my anxiety on my DH. I've learned not to, that's why I've been married 20+ years. Your partner isn't a punch bag to vent your anxieties on.

@heartsonacake well said. It must be amazing to not having that utterly overwhelming fear and the need to exit a situation immediately and hate yourself for being so utterly incapable compared to all those social butterflies.

YANBU.
I have minimal sympathy with him, I'm afraid. And I'm an introvert!

Social anxiety is awful.
However.
When somebody decides to have a child, they agree to create an amazing world for that child. To nurture that child and ensure it thrives.

Having a child involves their own birthday parties, friends birthday parties, sleepovers, school drop offs, sports days, patents evenings, assemblies, hobby meets/training, clubs, playschool,
When the child grows up, bringing partners home, their wedding day, their engagement party, their graduation, 18th birthday, 21st birthday, grandchildren born and all the above things happen again.

Is he just not going to attend any of those things? Are you doing life alone from now on?
If he can't handle all of the above then he shouldn't have agreed to bring children in to the world. Because all of that is part of being a dad.
He just needs to suck it up and get some help for it. If he won't, then that's on him and no issue of yours.

Your children need to thrive and not be brought up ending up like him through learned behaviour and being brought up in an isolated bubble because daddy can't cope.

No-one has said they are social butterflies ffs He acted like a bullying arse and I will guarantee that if he is at a work event where extra people turn up, he doesn't shout at his boss afterwards because he knows it's not acceptable. It's hugely insulting to people with anxiety to suggest that means they're selfish, bullying arses.

@heartsoncake then according to you what should OP have done?
What should she do in the future?

At what point does his behaviour become unacceptable even if understandable?

Is she supposed to live her whole life like this, managing him and his needs and putting up with whatever comes her way if she inadvertently fails?

and entitles him to abuse the mother of his baby for as long as he likes until she behaves as he wishes?

MrsMillerbecameababy I never said that. I’m trying (and failing) to educate you because you have absolutely no idea of such terror, and how that terror can make you react.

@mrsmillerbecameababy it can take me days to recover from a meltdown. In fact in January this year I had a meltdown and couldn't drive for 3 months after because my brain just couldn't focus enough to be able to do so safely. Autistic brains work differently from NT brains. We aren't talking about calming down from a temper tantrum. Think more like the brains wires tripping a switch and having to reset. This can take minutes, hours, days or months and if you insert yourself into that process in that time the person may be less than grateful.
I'm not excusing any and all behaviour and I'm not suggesting that this man definitely has ASD. I simply shared my thoughts as a woman who spent much of my life undiagnosed and misunderstood.

Scautish do you feel this man has license to verbally abuse his wife in what is also her own home, swear at her and tell her to "get out of his sight" ?

A condition which impacts the lives of your nearest and dearest so very negatively is a condition in urgent need of treatment, but this man says he doesn't want treatment, he wants his wife and child to behave exactly as he says, and if not he is, according to you and heartsonacake perfectly justified in open ended verbal abuse of his wife - and presumably as soon as the baby is old enough to disrespect the fact that his home is his castle, their small child too...

Yeah, I’m hiding this thread now because the gleefully ignorant here have no wish to understand and instead like to twist words and make up scenarios.

Just be thankful it’s not you, because if you’ve never felt it you have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.

He really sounds very unpleasant. I have social anxiety as a result of my PTSD, and I don't cope well with unexpected changes (It's got a lot worse during the last couple of years). But I would never have a go at my DH and make him feel bad; it's my issue after all and I apologise to him about it.

Your DH's behaviour reminds me of my abusive F, he always went out of his way to make my DM feel bad, and we used to all walk on eggshells as a result. It really is no way to live.

@heartsonacake

I do know exactly what it feels like, the terror of attending an event and the misery afterwards when you feel like you've failed socially.

The OP's husband clearly needs help to overcome his anxiety and I hope he seeks it. Taking it out on her isn't OK, though. You don't yell abuse at people you love.

To be honest nobody even knows whether this man even has a diagnosis, or just self diagnosed in order to be able to demand that his wife behaves exactly as he requires at all times or face his wrath humbly on the understanding that whatever abuse he heaps on her is her fault.

@heartsonacake I may have to join you 😔