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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband Says I'm selfish and dont understand him

206 replies

Noideawhattodo101 · 28/12/2019 21:50

Basically my husband is currently not speaking to me as we had a family party at our house today and there were more people than we were expecting (due to family members being free that we weren't expecting to be and coming along) about 12 people plus me and our baby. Its DCs first christmas, so I think people wanted to see DC and bring presents etc.
My husband has social anxiety and so when more people arrived he went upstairs to our bedroom and basically hid.

I went to see where he was and he had a go at me saying there was a house full and he didn't feel comfortable and it was my fault for inviting everyone and that now he had to leave his own house. He left shortly after, without a word, and only got back about half an hour ago. He didn't speak to me but made himself some dinner and sat in the other room. I went to see if he was ok and was met with a barrage of abuse about how unfeeling I was and how dare I be so selfish (he used some choice words which I wont repeat) and told me to get out of his sight.

We are due to go to his family tomorrow and I dont really want to go and pretend like everything is ok when it clearly isn't and have him not speak to me all day but his mum will be disappointed to not see DC and I doubt he will take DC alone.

Was I being selfish? How do I make amends? Do we go tomorrow and make the best of it? I'm worried that our DCs first christmas is going to be tainted now.

Thanks for reading if you got this far and for any help or advice.

OP posts:
Motherofbunnies · 29/12/2019 02:04

I suffer with bad social anxiety. If I had been your husband in this situation I would have struggled with the unexpected guests because I would have spent days mentally preparing myself for 9 guests to then have 12 turn up. This wasn’t your fault though, you didn’t know the extra people were coming, so it’s not fair of him to have taken it out on you. We had 15 people in our 2 bed flat a couple of weeks ago (for 10 hours! They wouldn’t leave!), but I had psyched myself up for it. I had to keep taking myself away to the bedroom for some quiet, but I kept coming back out again and I don’t think anyone noticed.
Whenever there’s a situation which I know I find difficult (e.g. supermarkets) I do avoid it and it helps (doing the food shop online). It’s trickier when it’s in your own home but I assume he agreed to the people coming round so it’s not like it was all totally unexpected. I probably would have felt the same way he did but as I say, wasn’t your fault because you didn’t know about the extra people so he shouldn’t blame you x

kateandme · 29/12/2019 02:49

heartsonacake yep yep yep.true.brilliant in everything you've put.
He wasn't abusing her.again

kateandme · 29/12/2019 02:49

heartsonacake yep yep yep.true.brilliant in everything you've put.

Everyone He wasn't abusing her.again in the turmoil and meltdown it's very different outpouring.aimed all over the place.is it right.nope.is it explained. yep.is it abuse (well done for putting the vile emotional connotations on the word and this man by the way, it's really working it's emotional effect by using the word abuse over and over.)

kateandme · 29/12/2019 02:57

Living with people that suffer with these conditions and mental health is f hard. and the symptoms of them quite horrific .they are often emotional, often aimed at anyone but mostly themselves (and yes also people they love the most because this is where it safe). Is it right,is it nice half the time no. it's horrible and a struggle for all involved.
but you work together. and that's the people that survive it. that's the people bit
By bit fight it. the people that work together to find a way that works for all trying any ways and always where love,compassion and kindness can get you through.
Because unless they are a twat alongside suffering ,then you know that the person is just really bloody sick and needs help.and sometimes they can't get it for themselves yet. and until they do you either stick with him or you don't. but they're damn good people. And deserve our support. So fo forgive me if he is is without the condition a twat but if he is not try working with him. Call him out yes.but also then understand.

Packit · 29/12/2019 03:19

My ex had social anxiety. He avoided any family gettogethers, especially on my side. He didn’t want to meet my friends, didn’t like parties, didn’t get involved with anything to do with the school, only parent evenings. I had a lonely life as I’m the sociable one. And it really pissed me off.

He would of acted the same as yours did in that situation, and I would be having to cover up for him, telling everyone he has a migraine or something so it didn’t look ridiculous to everyone else.

YouJustDoYou · 29/12/2019 03:28

There is no excuse for speaking to someone like they're a piece of shit. He's a coward - he would never ever speak to, say, a 6'5 man like that, but you're fair game. He acted like an immature nasty piece of work. And you don't "strongly suggest" he needs help, you TELL him he needs help because if he EVER treats you like that again you're gone.

I suffer from horrible social anxiety but I would never speak to my dh like that.there is ZERO excuse.

TooManyPaws · 29/12/2019 03:41

@heartsonacake there are several people on this thread who say they have social anxiety and feel the same panic but they're not excusing him. You're not the only person with social anxiety who has commented so people other than you do know what they're talking about. Don't make out that you're being forced out of the thread because no one will listen.

And I know exactly what a meltdown feels like and don't go around blaming others for my own emotions.

BiblioX · 29/12/2019 04:14

Does he have a diagnosis? Medication? Doctor/psychiatrist prescribed therapy? Even if he does he has no right not to treat you with respect!! I do have all of those and my husband is my carer...I would not dream of talking to him like that ever. Sharing a house, a life, requires compromise and he was perfectly capable of politely absenting himself from situation especially as he was not sinewy responsible for a child there. . Blaming you and being unpleasant is churlish and worryingly manipulative.

minesagin37 · 29/12/2019 05:17

He may have social anxiety but he's also rude and petulant. Tell him to grow up and stop sulking. Give him the number of a therapist.

bobbinsblue · 29/12/2019 05:38

Why does he want you to stop breastfeeding?

thickwoollytights · 29/12/2019 07:22

How does the anxiety manifest itself?

I'd say it manifests itself as him being a narcissistic passive aggressive bully

Seriously, OP, he is a horrible man. You did nothing wrong. Your family did nothing wrong. You need, imo, to stand up for yourself and your children against this horrible bully

BerylReader · 29/12/2019 07:37

There are some really thoughtful and balanced comments on here @Scautish, @kateandme, @Thenamedame. I was really surprised at the vitriol of some of the comments here at first. Your comments have helped me understand myself a bit more, particularly as I would certainly have been awful to my partner for hours afterward something like that. A frank chat about how he was with you should happen but, yes, he also needs help.

Seahorseshoe · 29/12/2019 10:21

I understand social anxiety, after the death of my child to cancer, I couldn't leave the house for a while and the thought of chit chat made me ill. BUT you can't live a life on hold and you shouldn't be expected to either.

I see where he's coming from, but Yanbu. It's just life, unpredictable things happen in life, it's not your fault.

Umberta · 29/12/2019 10:50

I agree with many PP on here. I dated a guy who had meltdowns and social anxiety and, while he did once or twice lash out at me, I wouldn't have any of it and he was profusely apologetic afterwards. He knew it wasn't my fault and that I was really understanding. Absolutely nothing wrong with taking yourself upstairs, going for a walk etc (he did that all the time, would sometimes leave me at a party to go for a walk and then reappear an hour later, apologising if I'd worried). Totally, totally unacceptable to blame you or shout at you. Shout in frustration, yes, shout at you, no. You never blamed him for absorbing himself, you carried on with hosting on your own. It sounds like he has no idea how to look after himself. He also sounds like he thinks he's very special and the only person in the world with anxiety. Erm, no. Lots of people have it very severely without being horrid to their partners

Umberta · 29/12/2019 10:51

*absenting himself not absorbing himself! Haha autocorrect

Umberta · 29/12/2019 10:54

I had a psychologist friend who told me: people can be horrid, and they can have mental health problems. If they have both, it's unrelated. You can treat the MH so they're feeling well but they'll still be horrid. And in my experience that is so so true. MH is never ever an excuse for being a horrid person

Lizzie0869 · 29/12/2019 11:02

I personally really dislike the way MH issues tend to be used to excuse bad behaviour. It doesn't give you a free pass to treat those around you badly, in this case especially as what happened wasn't her fault; she hadn't known that 3 extra people were coming. How can it ever be justified to say to your partner who you're supposed to be in love with to 'get out of my sight'?

Reacting badly when you have SA is understandable as in that moment you're in a panic; I've done that. But I would realise immediately afterwards that I'd been out of order and apologise. If the OP's partner is a decent person underneath then he should be apologising to her, not continuing to make her feel bad.

Bluebutterfly90 · 29/12/2019 11:11

OP, do not apologise to this man!
I have social anxiety, I went to therapy for about two years and at times was medicated for it and I can still say he acted completely unreasonably.
If he cannot comfortably be in that situation he needs to seek therapy. It's not fair for him to visit his problems on you, and certainly not for him to abuse you about it!
MH problems are complex and distressing, but he needs to get himself seen to if he acts like this.

It took me a while to accept that I needed to see someone about my social anxiety. In the end I was persuaded by my sister, who said to me: this is causing you pain, and if it was a physical problem, you would have already seen a doctor.

Best of luck to you both. Flowers

BumbleBeee69 · 29/12/2019 21:58

Why are you trying to understand a man who does not care to help himself by seeking help or intervention ? its not all on You OP. Flowers

Original poster
Noideawhattodo101 · 29/12/2019 23:01

Thank you so much to everyone for your responses, especially those with anxiety as it really helped me to see things from his perspective. He isn't very good at articulating how he is feeling so it was really useful.

I tried talking to him first thing this morning and I did apologise for putting him in that situation (albeit unintentionally) but said that nothing excuses his behaviour towards me and the way he spoke to me. I said I would like to work through it with him so that we are both happy in future. I said that he wasnt allowed to swear at me and be abusive towards me though. He said he wouldnt discuss anything if there were caveats and he had ever right to swear in his own house. So I told him I dont tolerate abusive behaviour and would speak to him when he was repaired to have a rational conversation as a respectful adult and me and DC left and went for coffee with a friend.

He messaged later on that he wanted to talk so I came home. It turns out he had assumed that it was just really close family (5 guests) he didn't think to ask me who was coming and I didn't think to give him a guest list. He also didn't twig when I was setting out the buffet table with a pile of plates and cutlery, being that he helped move the table you would have thought he would have noticed! Anyway I said that next time I would like to host an event in my house I will give him the guest list and any potentials and he can decide if he wants to come for a bit or not at all and that I will respect and support his decision. So we settled that one.

With regards to his behaviour I said if he spoke to me like that again or in anyway I wasnt happy with I would call him out on it and would remove myself and DC from the situation as I domt want it to ever seem like it's ok. And if he ever speaks to DC like that then it will be him out on a permanent basis. He doesn't think his behaviour was abusive and did that I am doing an injustice to victims of abuse by labelling it as that. He also said that it was my fault that he got so worked up as I didn't leave the first time he asked last night. I told him that saying it's my fault he got angry is generally what abusers say right before they hit their victims. He said I was being ridiculous and melodramatic but I think it made him think. For the record I dont think he would ever be violent towards me and I didn't feel scared last night that he would but I felt the point had to be made. He said in future he would try to control his emotion and i said if he didn't i would leave and that's how we left it. Parrly because the baby woke up so took all the attention and built a bridge. We didn't go to inlaws. I dont know what he told his mum.

Thank you again to everyone who has responded and helped me to deal with the situation. It was really helpful to get so many different view points.

And to the person who said to keep a diary and log events like this. I have done. Just in case!

OP posts:
Thenamedame · 30/12/2019 00:08

I think you handled it really well OP. I really hope things improve moving forward and that your new plan means a situation like this can be avoided all together.
I do think though, that at a time in the future it would be worth discussing with him seeking further help with his social anxiety and maybe exploring autism a little with him but definitely let the dust settle on this for now. You've been through enough.
All the best to you for the future xxx

lovepickledlimes · 30/12/2019 00:23

Suffering from anxiety myself I can probably guess he felt trapped in his own home. Thst is not a pleasant feeling. The way he reacted however was not ok. You assumed he would be ok with the number as he already knows the people and while for some this would make it easier he should have been more vocal about his concern when he planned it.

Try to be understanding and forgive him but explain he needs to first of all communicate with you if he has any issues or can see potential problems and second of all find a better coping mechanism.

HarrietThePi · 30/12/2019 00:44

I think you're being way more understanding and sympathetic than you should be op. The way he spoke to you was completely wrong. "Get out of my sight" - who the hell does he think he is.

And I know all about social anxiety, autism and meltdowns. I have autism. That is absolutely no excuse for how he spoke to you. I cannot believe some of these replies.

EKGEMS · 30/12/2019 01:40

Your husband was an asshole and he's using DARVO in his response to the truth I'd have thrown his shot on the lawn had he spoken to me like that

thickwoollytights · 30/12/2019 06:59

He said in future he would try to control his emotion

How magnanimous of him

If he can't , he needs some serious help Confused