Husband Says I'm selfish and dont understand him

[Noideawhattodo101]

Basically my husband is currently not speaking to me as we had a family party at our house today and there were more people than we were expecting (due to family members being free that we weren't expecting to be and coming along) about 12 people plus me and our baby. Its DCs first christmas, so I think people wanted to see DC and bring presents etc.
My husband has social anxiety and so when more people arrived he went upstairs to our bedroom and basically hid.

I went to see where he was and he had a go at me saying there was a house full and he didn't feel comfortable and it was my fault for inviting everyone and that now he had to leave his own house. He left shortly after, without a word, and only got back about half an hour ago. He didn't speak to me but made himself some dinner and sat in the other room. I went to see if he was ok and was met with a barrage of abuse about how unfeeling I was and how dare I be so selfish (he used some choice words which I wont repeat) and told me to get out of his sight.

We are due to go to his family tomorrow and I dont really want to go and pretend like everything is ok when it clearly isn't and have him not speak to me all day but his mum will be disappointed to not see DC and I doubt he will take DC alone.

Was I being selfish? How do I make amends? Do we go tomorrow and make the best of it? I'm worried that our DCs first christmas is going to be tainted now.

Thanks for reading if you got this far and for any help or advice.

He said he wouldnt discuss anything if there were caveats and he had ever right to swear in his own house

This sentence - spoken when he was not in anxiety-triggered state- tells you everything; he is a controlling and abusive twat.

This^

I left someone after 3 decades. Yes, he had depression at the time, had had it several times during our relationship. But it didn't and doesn't excuse his abusive behaviour. Which left me and the DC with MH issues ourselves.

OP, it's good you're keeping a log, and don't let it go as long as I did. He either shapes up in his behaviour towards you and DC, or you leave him.

As for the social anxiety, he goes to the doctor for help. Avoidance doesn't help, as my DD has found out. She's actually applying for a PT job as she thinks it will help her face her fears. Counselling is being sorted, too.

He said in future he would try to control his emotion

Robert Webb, in his book "How not to be a boy", refers to how most men have a very limited range of emotions and all their negative emotions come out as anger. I think this is so true, unhealthy and dangerous.

Your husband needs to do some work to expand his emotional range.

I think you handled that really well OP, you said all the right things.

You've told him you'll leave if he does it again (which is highly likely he will). Good for you for telling him, you were absoluetly right in everything you said.

I don’t know why everyone has to jump right into who is right and who is wrong! That doesn’t provide any good advice. I would recommend waiting until you both have a chance to cool off. Then approach him from a caring attitude and realize he has valid feelings also. Then ask him what He would be comfortable with in regard to family gatherings. If the two of you can work together to find a considerate option then neither feels attacked or ignored! Just my two cents! Haha 😍

@ReverDreamer Your 2c worth has been well eaten by inflation as this problem is four years old.