Husband Says I'm selfish and dont understand him

[Noideawhattodo101]

Basically my husband is currently not speaking to me as we had a family party at our house today and there were more people than we were expecting (due to family members being free that we weren't expecting to be and coming along) about 12 people plus me and our baby. Its DCs first christmas, so I think people wanted to see DC and bring presents etc.
My husband has social anxiety and so when more people arrived he went upstairs to our bedroom and basically hid.

I went to see where he was and he had a go at me saying there was a house full and he didn't feel comfortable and it was my fault for inviting everyone and that now he had to leave his own house. He left shortly after, without a word, and only got back about half an hour ago. He didn't speak to me but made himself some dinner and sat in the other room. I went to see if he was ok and was met with a barrage of abuse about how unfeeling I was and how dare I be so selfish (he used some choice words which I wont repeat) and told me to get out of his sight.

We are due to go to his family tomorrow and I dont really want to go and pretend like everything is ok when it clearly isn't and have him not speak to me all day but his mum will be disappointed to not see DC and I doubt he will take DC alone.

Was I being selfish? How do I make amends? Do we go tomorrow and make the best of it? I'm worried that our DCs first christmas is going to be tainted now.

Thanks for reading if you got this far and for any help or advice.

MrsMiller yy exactly but posters will always jump to give a diagnosis to an obnoxious male rather than consider that he may just be behaving badly.

heartsonacake If a husband and father is unwilling to address his condition with professional support in order to be a decent husband and father, he ought to do the decent thing and fcukoff down to the divorce courts.

I also have social anxiety so I can understand him feeling the need to hide away, I have done this myself many times. It seems rude to people who don’t understand social anxiety but anyone who suffers will get it. My anxiety would also be through the roof if many people unexpectedly turned up at my house, I consider my home my safe space iykwim and struggle with visitors.

No excuse for the way he spoke to you though, that is absolutely out of order.

I'm really sorry this is upsetting you hearts and then.

But I genuinely want to know, in your opinion where is the cut off point? You can understand a behaviour but still deem it unacceptable and hurtful.

When does the lashing out and coming off a meltdown cross the line?

MrsMiller you have not read what I have said correctly. You are trying to infer something that was simply not said.

What I, and others, are trying to say is that For those with social anxiety and in my case Asperger’s (which often goes hand in hand with social anxiety) such a situation (unexpected guests) could provoke a meltdown.

A meltdown is not a tantrum
A meltdown is not used to control people
A meltdown cannot be controlled by the person and is utterly exhausting and mortifying.
In my case it can last 2-3 hrs. This does not mean 2-3hrs of shouting or however you want to envisage an autistic meltdown, it means that I cannot refocus my brain onto anything other than what has triggered me and it is completely and totally exhausting.
If you are neurotypical then you are very very unlikely to be able to empathise with this.
I have meltdowns at work. It is awful and I loathe myself for it. Fortunately I have intelligent and understanding colleagues.

This man may be controlling and horrible and abusing is wife - we do not have enough information to ascertain that. However he could possibly be autistic - and we most certainly don’t have enough information to conclude that - I just wanted to try to explain why an autistic meltdown is neither controlling or controllable and how the situation the OP’s husband would have possibly affected me.

And just so you know, I am married, have never ONCE been remotely abusive towards my DH (not he me). We rarely argue and respect each other’s different needs (as he needs accommodations too). He understands my autism and that means the entire world to me.

I have social anxiety OP. I understand that sometimes i can't always be in control of every social situation, so i always make a plan B with my partner (if it involves him) and mentally prepare myself. Most times things are fine, and when they're not i remove myself from the situation. I don't expect my partner to manage my anxiety for me and i certainly wouldn't blame him if things got triggered. As hard as this sounds, he either seeks professional help, or sucks it up. He can't keep you living like this.

Scautish I know what a meltdown is - and you're "educating" me about something which has nothing to do with the situation the thread is about. The original poster's husband does not have autistic spectrum disorder. You can't diagnose him with ASD on the basis that he says he has social anxiety. Neither has the original poster mentioned meltdowns.

So there were supposed to be 9 guests, and you ended up with 12. Family members. your side, presumably. and now he's pissed off at you, blaming you for his feelings, oh, and btw, wants you to go to 'his' side tomorrow because they want to see the baby and will try to guilt you into going.

fuck him.

tell him his 'management' of his so called anxiety is not working, and if your marriage is going to survive, he MUST seek support/counselling/therapy/whatever to address it. Because he's being incredibly unfair to you and nasty to boot.

Do not apologise to him. he's being an arse.

And I wouldn't go with him tomorrow. Tell him to use the time researching support he can start reaching out for if he won't go by himself.

Thank you @panicandrun the cut off is where the OP lays it. It could be her husbands the nasty asshole everyone says he is and she should cut and run immediately and live a life of glittering social events without him.
Or it could be this man is really struggling with a mental health problem, disorder or neurological difference he doesn't understand and isn't coping with. If that were the case I would offer empathy and compassion. "I see and recognise that you really struggled with the amount of people that where here" I would then discuss a possible compromise "these types of social events mean a lot to me and I would really feel that dc and I were missing out if we weren't able to take part in them in the future. How can we compromise so we are both happy?" And then I would lay down my boundary "As much as I love you and I'm sad that you struggled and felt overwhelmed you have to know that speaking to me in that way was completely unacceptable." Then I would come up with an action plan for next time. "If a situation like this ever occurs again and you feel completely overwhelmed how can we deal with it so it doesn't get to this point again?" under these circumstances I think I would want to talk to DH about seeking medical attention too though I would step very carefully and let the dust truly settle before going there as I find it very hurtful when I'm struggling and someone immediately goes to "maybe you should see the GP?" I always feel it insinuates - I can't deal with your shit just go get drugged so I don't have to bother 😔

MrsMiller you’ve not read my postS correctly (again)

I have said very clearly in two previous posts that in no way can we diagnose him with an ASD based on information given. I have very specifically said such a diagnosis can only be given by a professional - it is a huge frustration of mine that many people on MN diagnose autism casually (and most often when someone is simply being a dick)

What I have said (twice) is that as an autistic person, I could imagine myself having meltdown in the scenario described; that I was simply giving an autistic perspective - but you are ignoring this.

@Scautish I think we have to accept that some people are simply committed to misunderstanding people like you and I. As hard as that can sometimes be 😔

I wouldn’t apologise. And I wouldn’t go tomorrow with a man who’s told me to get out of his sight, unless he’s apologised. Its an unacceptable way to behave in a marriage when you’ve done nothing wrong and if he doesn’t recognise that with an apology he will just do it again.
No, you told me to get out of your sight.8’ absolutely not climbing in a car to visit your family.

@Thenamedame I actually think your plan of action sounds reasonable but firm, and putting clear boundaries and "escape" routes in place. You are right that timing is everything.

It will all depend then on the husband's response in my eyes. I have a (biased) inkling what if might be, but for everyone's sake I hope OP sees your post and it actually works to improve things for everyone.. her, Dh and the baby.

Oh and thank you for your detailed, thoughtful response.

Scautish ok - I acknowledge that you can imagine having a meltdown in this context.

However it's not really relevant to the fact that the original poster has mentioned neither the autistic spectrumnor meltdowns.

Her husband is using h untreated by choiceis mental health disorder as a stick to beat her (metaphorically) with, and already has her in the position where she thinks she should apologise for making him swear at her and telling her to get out of his sight...

Thank you @panicandrun I think you're right. If he doesn't want to face that he's not managing and may need more support then there's not much the OP can do but I think he's more likely to face up to these issues with a little compassion and understanding which is so rarely afforded to people like me.

It is quite common for the abuse to increase after a woman becomes pregnant or a baby is born. Men feel free to show their true selves when they have limited their partners options to the point where she walks on eggshells and begins believing that his abuse is her fault.

@Thenamedame I think more than not understanding autism or other conditions is that a lot of posters here know and lived the statistics, they might have been a statistic themselves. Like how abuse escalates/starts in pregnancy or soon after birth. The experience of control,abuse,coercion etc. How two women a week are killed by a partner or ex. DV statistics.

I don't think that there are two opposite camps here necessarily,just different experiences that shape the way this situation is perceived.

You and a few others can empathise with the husband and understand (not excuse) what happened,how and why. You're hoping a struggling man can get the help and support he needs,starting with his wife.

The majority of posters empathise with OP being verbally abused and what they feel like controlled. They hope his wife and child don't become further victims of abuse, and they can get the help and support they need starting with distancing from the man they perceive as abusive.

You are not being selfish as such but you are being unreasonable. Social Anxiety, is bloody miserable and the situation you describe would cause a stress outburst from me. If you know he has SA, then you need to ensure social events in your home work for you both, or that he has sufficient warning to deal with it however he needs to.

I suspect most of the lack of compassion for the DH comes from his decision to "manage" his condition in a way that is totally selfish and obviously bound to adversely impact his wife and child instead of seeking professional help and seeing if there is anything that could help him cope better with things his wife and child will need as part of their normal life.

His selfishness isn't in his immediate response to this particular situation, it's in the way he set himself up so that this would be his response to this situation.

If the OP had said "DH is seeing a therapist at the moment who has said he should avoid gatherings for the moment but we've just had a baby and this is just family so he should have been able to cope." she would have received a very different response. But he is a grown-up and, scary or not, it is primarily his responsibility to face up to his limitations and try to ensure they aren't debilitating to others, not the OP's responsibility to cajole him into finding ways to not be abusive.

Yeap. People who don't get treatment for their issues have no right to expect everyone else to tiptoe around them.

He is seriously affecting your quality of life and soon your child will also be affected. He needs to see about some therapy fast.

HE has the problem, you do need to socialise . sod that for a game of soldiers.

OP, I was married to a twat like that. Eventually it becomes too much.
The grown up version of this would be: I have SA, it’s impacting on my OH. My OH needs to socialise, it’s normal and acceptable. Therefore, if au know I can’t cope, I’ll take myself to bed/for a run/coffee and newspaper/walk through a forest, whatever, because I’m the one with the problem, not my OH.
I would certainly not abuse my OH.

He is conditioning you. Tell him he needs to seek help or go.

The OP's husband clearly needs help to overcome his anxiety and I hope he seeks it. Taking it out on her isn't OK, though. You don't yell abuse at people you love.

^Yes, absolutely this. I've learned to disappear upstairs when I'm feeling overwhelmed and need space. No one is saying that the OP's DH's anxiety isn't genuine, or that she's never guilty of being insensitive towards his needs.

My DH doesn't always understand how things are for me and it's necessary for me to speak up about something I'm finding difficult. But if he gets it wrong, he doesn't deserve to be verbally abused about it, as I know that he isn't being deliberately obtuse.

Similarly, our DD1 (10) can find certain situations overwhelming and we help her to cope, as the reality is that if she isn't able to, then she'll be the one who loses out.

OP does he work?

I think once you have a child then you have to ensure you give them the ability to have a social life. If this could be impossible for you then you need to seek help.

I am not great with social occasions and meeting new people but have made myself do it since having DS. He is an only child so could have become completely socially isolated whilst I was a SAHM if hadn’t made myself do that.