Husband Says I'm selfish and dont understand him

[Noideawhattodo101]

Basically my husband is currently not speaking to me as we had a family party at our house today and there were more people than we were expecting (due to family members being free that we weren't expecting to be and coming along) about 12 people plus me and our baby. Its DCs first christmas, so I think people wanted to see DC and bring presents etc.
My husband has social anxiety and so when more people arrived he went upstairs to our bedroom and basically hid.

I went to see where he was and he had a go at me saying there was a house full and he didn't feel comfortable and it was my fault for inviting everyone and that now he had to leave his own house. He left shortly after, without a word, and only got back about half an hour ago. He didn't speak to me but made himself some dinner and sat in the other room. I went to see if he was ok and was met with a barrage of abuse about how unfeeling I was and how dare I be so selfish (he used some choice words which I wont repeat) and told me to get out of his sight.

We are due to go to his family tomorrow and I dont really want to go and pretend like everything is ok when it clearly isn't and have him not speak to me all day but his mum will be disappointed to not see DC and I doubt he will take DC alone.

Was I being selfish? How do I make amends? Do we go tomorrow and make the best of it? I'm worried that our DCs first christmas is going to be tainted now.

Thanks for reading if you got this far and for any help or advice.

[AliceAbsolum]

He sounds abusive. I don't know why you would put up with someone talking to you that way.
Ask him calmly to have some cbt, then detach from him, because his behaviour is not acceptable.

[TrueRefuge]

Avoidance is one of the worst "strategies" for handling anxiety disorders. It actually just reinforces the anxiety. He needs to go and see a professional who understands this stuff and get some proper help.

Also, the way he spoke to you sounds absolutely appalling, and his anxiety is no excuse.

I'm sorry. It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong here. If he struggles, and refuses to get help, he needs to at least find a healthy way of communicating a boundary, e.g. "I'm finding this really tough so I'm going to sit upstairs/go out for a walk and come home later."

[MyOwnSummer]

Don't pander to this crap, it will only get worse if you do. "Social anxiety" isn't a free pass to be rude and unreasonable.

[Scautish]

He said he wouldnt discuss anything if there were caveats and he had ever right to swear in his own house

This sentence - spoken when he was not in anxiety-triggered state- tells you everything; he is a controlling and abusive twat.

[PickAChew]

HBing a go at you was not OK. He was clearly able to withdraw himself. His behaviour is more petulant arse than anxious.

My ex pulled these sorts of stunts all the time for various reasons. He did his utmost to actively ensure that if he didn't want to do something or be somewhere, he'd leave with as much drama as possible. It's extremely manipulative behaviour.

[Frankola]

Why is it that he is able to go to HIS family with social anxiety but not be around YOURS?

[fishfingerface]

He's a controlling arsehole. Having social anxiety doesn't mean you get to treat people like dirt.

[Whoops75]

I think you should insist on an assessment and get to the bottom of this.

His way isn’t working and you’re walking on eggshells though you don’t see it.

[Brefugee]

Thanks for the update OP that's encouraging.

From the original post i see two people with different wants and needs. I see a lot of posts saying things like "NT just don't understand that…" and I wonder.

NT means that there are probably a lot more of those than people with MH issues (gosh i hope so). And it is absolutely right and proper that NT people learn more about how to cope/handle/live with people with MH issues. And what i see around me is that this is definitely the case, although i can imagine that for non-NT people or people with MH issues it's not moving fast enough. (I'm a feminist - trust me, i get it, it is infuriating waiting for society to catch up)

What I don't see much of, and i hope this isn't rude or insensitive because it is a genuine question, is that people with MH issues also have to live in society. So after their meltdown/episode/problem (sorry, not sure how to term it without being rude or insensitive) it is absolutely necessary to engage with the people around them in a calm, non-defensive way and explain how NT people can help.

The OPs latest update shows some of this, they have agreed on guest lists and numbers so the DH can prepare. They didn't get as far as i think the OP would like (DH can swear in his own house, for sure, he doesn't get to swear at OP just because he's angry at her for something out of her control). But maybe that's a good springboard for more similar conversations.

At the end of the day we all have to live together, should the OP be banned from ever inviting anyone home? I think not. Should the DH be suddenly confronted with a party? I also think not.

good luck, OP, it does sound as though there could be a good compromise for both of you that works well.

[LannieDuck]

I agree with you that it's not your job to control his temper.

Yes, you could have told him how many people were coming... but he could also have asked. It's not your job to manage his anxiety; it's his job.

[lovepickledlimes]

@Brefugee I agree. It's important to make sure both feel at home and feel like they can be comfortable in their own 4 walls. The husband and OP need to work out a system that works for them so potentially sticking to a number of guests he can cope with or if it is impossible to give enough notice that he has time to prepare to set up an alternative from him where he can avoid people. So maybe him being outside the house during that period, making guests aware he will be in and out the room, or setting him up in a room where he feels like he will have all he needs and then not need to leave it.

For some people avoidance is the only realistic option depending on how deep the issues is. After a certain amount of new people and depending on situation I feel threatened and on edge. There is nothing I can do about it. I have learned to cover up my reactions that most people unless they knew me would not notice but I am still on edge and very much want to escape. That flight over fight instict is not something that will just go away.

[Brefugee]

I wish i knew if any of my friends/family were covering up discomfort at things i do. My feeling is that we're opening up a lot more now about MH issues - probably we need to do a lot more though.

[lovepickledlimes]

@Brefugee oh 100%. My fiancé knows what signs to look out for so will regualry check on me if I am ok and try help me avoid situations where it will be loud, crowded, with a potentially drunk people. This could vary from getting off at a bus or train station early, avoiding public transport completely, or arrange a timing where I avoid the situation completely. It can't always be avoided but he tries to make it as easy for me as possible.

You are right people need to talk about it more and we are shifting towards it but it is still difficult as it does make us more vulnerable opening up like that.

[Scautish]

@Brefugee

Please do not conflate people with MH conditions and neirodiversity (ND)

NT people can have MH issues. ND people can have MH issues. These MH issues such as anxiety and depression can be alleviated/cured by medication and counselling.

Neirodiversity can’t be cured. It is not a disease - it is a fundamental difference in brain wiring and processing.

For many ND people (especially those like me who have not been diagnosed until later in life) we have spent our entire lives trying to fit in in a world designed for and by NT people. Many (but not all) of these NT people are not very accommodating to ND people (MH issues or not). We would like to explain as much as possible and be accepted, but many NT people just don’t want to listen. There are many examples - almost on a daily basis - of discrimination and intolerance in this website alone.

So yes as an ND person I need to continue to do my best and fit in and adapt to an NT world, but I’d really like it if I could be more me more of the time and not be judged.

This of course is entirely irrelevant to this original post. The OPs partner has clearly behaved like a twat (as I have stated in last post).

[Dieu]

I couldn't be arsed with someone who's that much hard work.
YANBU

[Brefugee]

sorry for my clumsy wording (as i did in advance)

The point still stands however, that we all need to talk more. And in terms of ND and MH issues, someone who is not affected by them or has absolutely no knowledge of how problems might be caused and the results - eg. most NT people, I'd guess - need to know how to navigate these things. And without people opening up (and i do realise how awful that is and how it really shouldn't be needed but the world is what it is and we all have to live in it) i don't see how that can happen.

Threads like this are extremely useful in that regard so big thanks to people who have explained things. A lot of these posts can't have been easy to write.

I really also liked PP comment from (a psyciatrist?) that some people are arses and that is only due to personality. Nobody needs to accept people behaving like that.

[simplekindoflife]

12 people is not a lot of people and they're not some randoms, they're your family!

He needs to get some help as your dc is going to suffer in the future - as are you!

I couldn't live like that but I think you've got a good plan in place.

Just don't let him isolate you from your friends and family.

My fil is currently doing this to my mil and it's heartbreaking to see her lose everyone due to his rude and unpredictable behaviour. We're all walking on eggshells around him, it's horrible.

[Scautish]

@Brefugee

Yes - we need to talk as much as possible (whilst recognising that face to face talking may not be best for ND person - writing is often easier)

But - and I’m not trying to nitpick or start a debate - but the difference between someone with MH issues and a ND person is not just “clumsy wording”. It is a huge and massive fundamental difference.

There is far more openness about MH conditions now and thank goodness. There is also far more awareness of ND such as autism however the understanding and acceptance of ND people is not there very much at all. There is as much of an onus on NT people to try to understand ND people as there is for ND people to explain. One of the biggest challenges we face is when or if we disclose if we are ND. That is because people can judge. It shouldn’t be that way - it should be as straightforward as declaring if you are vegan. But the prejudice against autistic people - especially those without learning difficulties is absolute huge.

But the more people like you who are willing to listen and learn (and hopefully not judge) the better. Thank you.

OP - sorry for the thread hijack.

[Lizzie0869]

@simplekindoflife I absolutely agree. Despite my MH issues, I've organised parties for both my DDs every year and regularly had their friends at our house, including sleepovers. It isn't something I find easy and I breathe a sigh of relief when I have my house to myself afterwards. You just get on with it when you have DC. I'm really glad that they're at an age where they don't have soft play parties, though!!

What I find helps is to be the one doing the work in the kitchen, as it keeps me from having to engage in 'small talk' with my DDs' friends' parents more than I need to; my DH is good at that. So anyone asking if I would like some help is told no, but thank you for the offer.

Children's parties are also easier now that the parents just drop off their DC and pick them up at the end.

It's part of being a parent that you put the needs of your DC before your own. And it's well worth it when I see how happy it makes my DD. DD2 in particular is very outgoing and is constantly asking if one of her friends can come over to play.

[Pumpkinpie1]

I have had similar issues surrounding behaviour amounting from DH long term illness
It’s very easy to become isolated
By trying to keep the peace you risk damaging relationships with your family. Start as you mean to go on
He can’t play happy families with his side at the expense of your relationships
If you enable him to chip away you will regret it in years to come

[RebelWithVerySharpClaws]

Well done OP, he is still a selfish twat, but you will be keeping an eye on his behaviour, and you know not to tolerate any abuse. The long term worry is that he will use his SA as an excuse to get out of all sorts of parenting tasks.

[PinkiOcelot]

He sounds horrible. Social anxiety or not, no need for the abuse you were subjected to. No way would I be apologising to that prick!

[corythatwas]

Seems like you handled it really well, OP, acknowledging his difficulties, coming up with a practical plan, and insisting on your own boundaries at the same time.

Tbh from my own experiences of living with someone with severe generalised anxiety, some posters seem pretty naïve in their expectations of what "seeking help" will do. It is incredibly difficult to get a referral these days even if suicidal. Medication and CBT don't necessarily solve the issue (even if it is a MH one rather than ND), though they can sometimes make a big difference. In dd's case, a combination of medication and years of therapy (so no immediate effect) have resulted in a situation where she can actually get out of the house, but she is still prone to meltdowns under stress, particularly when expectations change. Last week, she had a meltdown because we were 15 minutes late in leaving for the airport, even though she knew we had allowed enough time to afford to be 3 hours late. She had seen me work non-stop to get to that state of readiness, she must have known I was at breaking point, but she couldn't cope with the change of plan. For a moment, I really didn't think we would be able to get her into the car at all.

She really, really doesn't want these things to happen, she was very apologetic afterwards, but years of treatment haven't effected a magical cure.

Yes, seeking treatment is good as it shows willing, but if there is a genuine problem the family may still have to plan around it to accommodate everybody, just as they would if the dh had a physical disability.

What the dh needs to do is stop blaming the OP, take part in calm discussions about mutual accommodation, and if necessary tell the truth to family and friends or if he cannot do this, come up with some convenient excuse.

[BlokeNumber9]

OP, you've asked how to understand him, which shows that you don't, and that he has a point. His behaviour towards you is another matter; however stressed he felt, he was wrong to shout at you.

[Lizzie0869]

No she doesn't understand obviously, no one can understand MH issues if they haven't experienced them themselves. It's right for the OP's DH to tell the OP when he isn't coping; I tell my DH when it's like that for me, as he admits that he doesn't always get it. What's wrong in this case isn't the OP's DH telling his DW when he's finding it difficult, but the fact that he was so nasty to her about it, that really is never okay.