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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband Says I'm selfish and dont understand him

206 replies

Noideawhattodo101 · 28/12/2019 21:50

Basically my husband is currently not speaking to me as we had a family party at our house today and there were more people than we were expecting (due to family members being free that we weren't expecting to be and coming along) about 12 people plus me and our baby. Its DCs first christmas, so I think people wanted to see DC and bring presents etc.
My husband has social anxiety and so when more people arrived he went upstairs to our bedroom and basically hid.

I went to see where he was and he had a go at me saying there was a house full and he didn't feel comfortable and it was my fault for inviting everyone and that now he had to leave his own house. He left shortly after, without a word, and only got back about half an hour ago. He didn't speak to me but made himself some dinner and sat in the other room. I went to see if he was ok and was met with a barrage of abuse about how unfeeling I was and how dare I be so selfish (he used some choice words which I wont repeat) and told me to get out of his sight.

We are due to go to his family tomorrow and I dont really want to go and pretend like everything is ok when it clearly isn't and have him not speak to me all day but his mum will be disappointed to not see DC and I doubt he will take DC alone.

Was I being selfish? How do I make amends? Do we go tomorrow and make the best of it? I'm worried that our DCs first christmas is going to be tainted now.

Thanks for reading if you got this far and for any help or advice.

OP posts:
recycledbottle · 28/12/2019 22:40

I am very quiet and would find that party stressful so I would go for a walk or something. Attacking you makes zero sense and imo has nothing to do with social anxiety

PanicAndRun · 28/12/2019 22:40

I just wish I knew how to fix it.

You can't. Only he can,by accepting there's a serious problem that he can't actually manage himself and get help.

But odds are he won't because he has a built in excuse for not doing anything he doesn't want to do, causing an argument if he feels like it ,controlling you and being able to check out if he wants to.

What you can do is let him cool off , then have a chat with him about how this is not him managing it, it's affecting his and your life and will soon affect the baby too. That it's not fair on any of you, and as your child grows there will be more and more situations where he can't be a good father AND hide whenever he needs/wants to.

His response will tell you everything you need to. For your sake I hope it's a positive one,but I sincerely doubt it.

GroggyLegs · 28/12/2019 22:41

You've nothing to apologise for.

I wonder if he is angry with himself for his inability to cope & he's turning it round on you. Which makes him a bit of a childish dick. He needs to make an effort to get over himself help for his anxiety or at least some coping mechanisms which don't involve hurting you.

As others have said, he's set himself up brilliantly there - get ready for the neverending tide of soft play parties, school fairs, lunches and assemblies which will fall solely to you while he watches match if the day on the sofa in his castle... Flowers

mediumbrownmug · 28/12/2019 22:41

Your DH needs to take responsibility for his anxiety instead of using it to control and punish you for overstepping an invisible line that only he can see, and which can move constantly with his levels of anxiety. You aren’t psychic, and he should be able to appreciate that. He needs to treat you with respect, and find coping mechanisms that work for him. He is also responsible for communicating with you on the number of people he’s comfortable inviting. With his level of social anxiety, I’d personally prefer him to be in charge of the guest list. My DH has similar wellness issues that need managing, and this is how we handle it. I’d never put up with being treated with disrespect in my own home, especially as it doesn’t help his own needs to be met.

Mrsmadevans · 28/12/2019 22:42

You have nothing to apologise for op.

LagunaBubbles · 28/12/2019 22:43

How can I make sure that we still get to be involved in things without setting him off?

You can't. It's not your job to manage or fix him. It can be difficult having a partner with mental health issues, even more so if they refuse to get help. And having social anxiety is not an excuse for acting like a manipulative dick either.

Clevererthanyou · 28/12/2019 22:44

I woman up, go to counselling, follow the advice of trained professionals and take the necessary medications along with sucking it up for the sake of my son and husband. Your husband is a selfish POS op and he’s going to use his ‘anxiety’ as a get out clause for the rest of your marriage

Merryoldgoat · 28/12/2019 22:45

I wouldn’t accept a partner refusing treatment or seeking help for any debilitating condition. That includes mental health.

And before I’m attacked, I have suffered from both depression and anxiety, still do to a certain degree, but when I realised they were affecting my life and relationship I got proper help and committed to it.

It’s not fair to limit the lives of your loved ones without even trying to get help,

TheBigFatMermaid · 28/12/2019 22:45

Perfectly acceptable for you to have people round. Also perfectly acceptable for him to take himself to the bedroom if he was struggling to cope!

What is not acceptable is the barrage of abuse and sulking!

BumbleBeee69 · 28/12/2019 22:46

Sorry OP, but he's using his Social Anxiety to control and manipulate you.. how many people will be at his families place tomorrow ?

He's gas lighting you and manipulating and controlling...

He gets help or he can sit in his bedroom every time your family visit.. that's his choices.. do not let his 'illness' control YOU.. particularly when he does not even attempt to seek help himself.. fuck that.. Flowers

CorBlimeyGovenor · 28/12/2019 22:47

I can get social anxiety. Sometimes parties can feel overwhelming (esp when I don't know people there and feel that I need to make a good impression). I can find the company of people tiring and a bit draining at times. However, I just get on with it and tough it out. He needs To do the same, otherwise, as others have said, you'll be the one doing all the school runs, kids parties, after school clubs etc. It's his problem. You shouldn't cater to it. It's for him to sort it out.

MrsMillerbecameababy · 28/12/2019 22:48

Noideawhattodo101 don't apologise. He went upstairs and his which is fine in the context of a mental illness but the barrage of abuse absolutely isn't fine at all.

You weren't trying to force him downstairs were you?

He could easily have stayed upstairs and asked you to help if he was hungry/ thirsty or general support to come downstairs into a less busy room such as the kitchen.

He's in the wrong for abuse, one hundred percent.

Does he actually have a proper diagnosis or is he self diagnosed? If self diagnosed combined with using the condition to emotionally blackmail you I'd be very, very sceptical indeed...

Fidgety31 · 28/12/2019 22:54

My son has aspergers and would behave exactly as your husband did . He would run away and shout and swear when confronted because it is how he deals with anxiety . And also drinking to self medicate when forced into uncomfortable situations .
I’m not excusing your husbands behaviour but it’s clearly not normal - has he ever thought he may have something like Aspergers ?

justasking111 · 28/12/2019 22:54

He needs to see the GP as someone who has suffered intermittently over the years my GP helped me so much. It is miserable for your partner when you are overwhelmed by social events so you have to address it.

1Morewineplease · 28/12/2019 22:55

Social anxiety is often a trump card these days. ( yes I have it , like many others and am actively dealing with it.)
Is your husband dealing with his social anxiety? If not then he should be as it is clearly affecting normal social life.
As to tomorrow, I’d probably not go and tell your mother-in-law exactly why. I think your husband needs to face up to his issues. You shouldn’t be made to feel uncomfortable about it either.
I’d tell him why it’s not a good idea to go too.

I’m sorry that you and your child are in this situation.
Good luck OP!

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 28/12/2019 22:56

How did he manage to meet and get to know you? Does he work alone?

rhubarbarkle · 28/12/2019 22:59

The words social anxiety, narcissism, controlling and abusive and their frequency on this forum are why this forum is laughed at everywhere. You as a couple are opposites, so find a middle ground. He is probably comfortable with some people, less with others. You might be happy with an open house (not saying you are, but hypothetically speaking). Dicuss both your boundaries and arrange not to cross over the middle ground.

Nanny0gg · 28/12/2019 23:00

Where does he work? Does he never go out?

And why are you switching to a bottle for your baby? Is it your choice?

BlackeyedSusan · 28/12/2019 23:00

You were unreasonable not to take into account his need for a calm peaceful home. I don't think you do understand him.

Hwbu for the torrent of abuse. I can understand him being cross or upset, but this needs to be put in a way that is not abusive.

You have to find a way through his anxiety. Hosting big gatherings elsewhere? Limiting to small number for small time? Arranging it so that he can be elsewhere. You both have to take responsibility for managing his condition. It would be unfair of you to tell him to just suck it up and deal with it.... And for him to ban all visitors at home say.

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 28/12/2019 23:03

You need to have a straight forward conversation where you talk with him about what happened - you didn't know how many people would show up this time as several said they wouldn't come. But perhaps in future he could have been forewarned about a potential upper number if everyone did actually show up. However it's not ok for him to react the way he did & if in future he has an anxiety attack/issue then you need some sort of code/signal so that he can make you aware. You need to work together as a team going forwards

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 28/12/2019 23:04

Also maybe see if he would consider some sort of cognitive therapy, NLP or similar to help him with the anxiety in future

sobeyondthehills · 28/12/2019 23:05

Who diagnoised his social anxiety?

I have General Anxiety disorder, and to be honest, having unexpected guests round would send me into a massive tailspin, it takes me a week to build up to have people round, however I have been under care and take medication for it.

I was dead against medication, so tried everything else first including CBT which also didn't work for me this time round (has worked in the past) so medication till its more under control.

My home is my safe place and by bringing more people into it, it has made the safe place no longer safe if that makes sense.

No it doesn't excuse the abuse you got afterwards, I have been known to lash out at the time, which is why if I disappear my partner just leaves me to it, till I am calm enough. Having said that I haven't blamed him for it, its more along the lines of I fucking hate all people.

The thing that would probably be the straw that broke the camels back for my partner is if I refused to do anything about my mental health issues, we know its going to take a while to find as many ways of dealing with things and he knows things are going to get back to the way they use and he knows I am working on it.

sproutsgalore · 28/12/2019 23:07

He may have social anxiety, he may (as another poster suggests) have Aspergers.

The trouble is his point blank refusal to seek professional help. Presumably he doesn't feel the need because he can carry on being an arsehole towards the OP and blaming her for everything.

Well fuck that for a game of soldiers.

heartsonacake · 28/12/2019 23:08

I understand his side. I was virtually housebound for nearly a decade due to social anxiety.

My house was my home, my safe space, and when other people entered it I didn’t feel safe. They were invading my privacy and my space and it made me very anxious and stressed.

I also was okay with my family but struggled with DH’s family.

No, it’s not okay for him to verbally abuse, but unless you’ve felt that unsafe and that terror from people you can’t get away from (and with SA, you can’t just go out) I can see how and why he could lash out.

I am fully recovered now and see how my behaviour once affected my DH, but back then, when I was in the bubble, I was anxious, stressed, alone and scared. Pretty much all of the time.

ChristmasCarcass · 28/12/2019 23:10

Do i apologise for putting him in that situation?

God no, do not apologise for having friends/family over!

DH has social anxiety, and would have retreated upstairs for a break as well. He certainly wouldn’t have been abusive though, or given me the silent treatment afterwards.

Even though he doesn’t expect me to change my behaviour, I have found that over the years I have become reluctant to invite anyone round to ours, out of concerns for his feelings. It has really reduced our circle of friends, and DC’s circle of friends. I basically only have my family and my work friends, who I see out of the house (coffees, nights out). I don’t have any mum friends because I don’t feel comfortable inviting them over. DC hasn’t had many play dates, because I haven’t made friends with their mothers (he is only 3, I will make more of an effort when he is older and starts to have actual friends rather than nursery toy competitors). I am kind of introverted myself, but if you want a more active social life than mine, you need to start drawing lines in the sand.