AIBU. I might get a bashing for this but here goes

[Goinganonforthisone]

So im in a fairly healthy relationship or so i thought. My partner checked for a number on my phone and "accidently " saw my search history and came across a porn site. Now we're both adults, loyal and im a bit peeved that im having to explain myself like im a damn schoolgirl. Im angry actually as i don't see what's wrong with it and i don't mind him looking at it as long as we don't feel unfulfilled or cheating. He's sitting here now with a long face and refuses to talk because he asked what kind of porn do i search for and what else am i hiding!! I think its ok to keep harmless little "secrets" or guilty pleasures as long as it doesn't harm the relationship. AIBU?

He’s being a twat. Porn is very looked down on on mn though so you may get some differing views.

Porn is foul and could involve trafficked women and girls. If you are ok with that - crack on.

I found porn on my DH phone before. Initially I was upset as it felt like a bit of a betrayal but having thought about it I don’t mind. I have my own fantasies etc and it doesn’t affect how I feel about my DH. You just need to reassure him

Both my partner and I watch porn separately. I suppose every relationship has different boundaries but I would never even consider this as a potential issue.

He sounds a little insecure to me to be honest...

I suppose I’d be cheesed off if I found that on the phone of a partner who wasn’t up for sex most of the time but if it’s not that I’d say he needs to catch himself on a bit.

Also there’s no way he’s gone to your contacts for a phone number and stumbled across your entire browsing history. Seems to me he was trying to find something.

Porn is foul and could involve trafficked women and girls. If you are ok with that - crack on

^ This.

Porn is not viewed favourably on MN but personally I wouldn't have a problem with either my DP or me watching it, within reasonable limits.

Reverse ?

Whichever. I would want to know if my partner watched porn because I object to it. I'm aware many people don't have a problem with it but perhaps your partner does?

The comments about the porn potentially involving trafficked girls is a bit hysterical. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, but it’s rare and there is lots of feminist porn and verified accounts on lots of porn servers for people to enjoy.
Fishing is also a large industry which involves the trafficking of many people for labour, have you boycotted fish as well?

People have different standards when it comes to porn. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Personally I lean towards erotic fiction if I’m looking to be aroused, because nobody is being exploited.

What @koshkat said.

So he doesn’t watch porn then?

Is it visual porn or written porn? Huge difference... visual porn is not victimless, someone has had to give up their dignity for money to perform in public at the very least and it's very likely some of the participants are being coerced, trafficked or controlled. Written porn or erotic literature is slightly less disastrous, although in some ways it normalises some rather nasty sexual behaviour.

If you’d just found this on your partner’s phone you would be getting nothing but support.

Porn absolutely does involve exploitation, anyone who brushes over this fact to justify their own use is doing so purely for personal gain.

I don’t like porn and finding it on my partner’s phone would be a deal-breaker if it wasn’t something we’d previously discussed. ESP as he knows my views on it.

YABU, it’s not about secrets, it’s about boundaries.
Have you ever talked about porn and what you BOTH think about it?

Many women find porn unacceptable. The idea that is generally that all men dint mind (or actually are very keen on it will be watching porn anyway). Your DH might well not be keen on porn at all!

Where I would have an issue is if he thinks it’s ok for him to watch porn but somehow it’s dirty of you do the same....
But hidding things and having secrets is never a good thing in a relationship imo (not making it obvious and in your face is different - like you would be discret about masturbation but surely wouod accept the idea that you are both masturbating at some point)

Meanwhile going back to your original question... yanbu he shouldn't have been farting about with your phone in the first place.

I think its ok to keep harmless little "secrets" or guilty pleasures as long as it doesn't harm the relationship.

He clearly doesn't agree that it's a harmless little secret and it has damaged your relationship so your above statement doesn't work for him, does it?

koshkat is right, agree with her 100%. People who try to justify porn as harmless and just a bit of fun are either woefully blind to the reality of the industry or do know but couldn't give a stuff as long as they are getting their jollies. You describe it as a 'guilty' pleasure OP so I'd put you in the latter category.

I don’t agree with porn, you have no idea of the life behind the facade. Imo it’s sleazy and degrading, however that’s just me.... I know not everyone shares my views. It’s not a “deal breaker” for me. You need to ask him if it is for him.

He clearly doesn't agree that it's a harmless little secret and it has damaged your relationship so your above statement doesn't work for him, does it?

That's very dependent on whether he has a problem with porn or - more likely - a problem with his girlfriend looking at porn.

The first is legit. The second could suggest all kinds of problems with his attitudes towards women and be a big red flag. First thing the Op should do is work out which one.

YANBU, IMHO. You're allowed your own inner life and he shouldn't try and control that.

Looking for number and accidentally saw your search history. Yeah right. He was checking your phone and is now in a huff because of what he found.

It's none of his business, but don't be surprised if it changes the way he feels about you.