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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU. I might get a bashing for this but here goes

206 replies

Goinganonforthisone · 28/12/2019 19:39

So im in a fairly healthy relationship or so i thought. My partner checked for a number on my phone and "accidently " saw my search history and came across a porn site. Now we're both adults, loyal and im a bit peeved that im having to explain myself like im a damn schoolgirl. Im angry actually as i don't see what's wrong with it and i don't mind him looking at it as long as we don't feel unfulfilled or cheating. He's sitting here now with a long face and refuses to talk because he asked what kind of porn do i search for and what else am i hiding!! I think its ok to keep harmless little "secrets" or guilty pleasures as long as it doesn't harm the relationship. AIBU?

OP posts:
koshkat · 29/12/2019 10:28

over50 tell me a failsafe way of knowing what is ethical and unethical porn...there isn't one and you know it.

And why is gay porn necessarily ethical? And 'feminists' come in all stripes as I have explained upthread. No feminist I know would get involved in the porn industry.

koshkat · 29/12/2019 10:35

spectator.us/horror-big-porn/

Julie Bindel's article above covers 'ethical' porn and 'feminist' porn and I hope it opens some people's eyes on here. She even mentions how those of us who see porn for what it is are labelled 'prudes'...Hmm

WelcomeToShootingStars · 29/12/2019 10:39

I think snooping through your partners phone is disgusting behaviour.

I also think that as with most things, porn covers a wide spectrum. Some is merely people with an exhibitionist streak or kink sharing their own material, which is entirely up to them.

But the industry, as in where payment is made, is incredibly damaging to both men and women in it. Most end up crossing their own personal line in order to secure more work, or better paid work. A lot have been treated appallingly at some point during their career. Most have a very short lived career, earn very little money and can end up with injuries or mental issues. Most who decide to enter the industry don't do so because they're an exhibitionist, it's because it's the easiest or only way for them to make that sort of money. Most are young. And when their very short lived career comes to an end and the realisation hits them, they have to deal with having no control over the images and footage which are now out there forever.

over50andfab · 29/12/2019 10:50

kosh as in all life choices - what you eat, drink, wear, everything you buy, what you watch it’s a case of informing ourselves if we wish. I’ve tried to do it in a somewhat small way and learnt from others. It can be a minefield and difficult though are guides and information out there to find the most informed way avoiding any contribution to exploitation.

Porn is just the easiest one to pick on because it’s sex and I think a lot of us prefer to be judgemental about this and ignore any other lifestyle choices - nail bars etc. Should we boycott all porn? Well should we boycott all nail bars or stop eating all chocolate or drinking all coffee? Maybe we should try to adjust our choices in all these things.

I don’t think I mentioned gay porn as being ethical - rather I asked if it was ok to watch it (ie as opposed to hetero porn). What do you reckon?

Perhaps try googling ethical porn, or feminist porn? Of course it is all personal choice on what we choose to believe.

Alsohuman · 29/12/2019 10:53

It’s a deal breaker for me. I’ve been married for nearly 20 years but if I found he used porn that would be the end for us.

koshkat · 29/12/2019 10:54

Why would gay porn be any better? I don't understand your point.

Maybe you should try reading Bindel's article which covers so called 'ethical' and 'feminist' porn. As I said, no feminist I know would be involved in the making of porn.

And yes we shold be making well informed ethical choices all the time - of course we should.

koshkat · 29/12/2019 10:54

should sorry for typo

over50andfab · 29/12/2019 11:11

I’m simply asking if it’s acceptable watch gay porn as opposed to hetero porn - ie just men?

I read Julie Bindel’s article. Chloe’s story - well she made an active choice to go into this industry, she wasn’t trafficked in. It sounds like she made a bad choice. Was she well enough informed and did she understand what she was getting herself into? I have no idea, but presumably/hopefully she’s now moved on.

I’m afraid I found that article as a whole very unbalanced and one sided - dismissive in assumptions made. I try to see both sides if possible.

Just to say again, no one is denying that there is a dark side to porn, but this does not include all porn.

koshkat · 29/12/2019 11:19

Do you think that young men are not trafficked too?

Julie Bindel knows what she is talking about. Sorry that you do not want to hear it.

koshkat · 29/12/2019 11:19

And if not trafficked then certainly victims of this abusive industry?

TheHonestTruth100 · 29/12/2019 11:20

OP I'd be annoyed at being told off like a little girl about porn too tbh. I don't mind porn either and don't care if a DP watches it.

Time to sit down and be honest with him that you watch it occasionally and get his thoughts on it. Would it be something you're willing to give up? If not then you might have a problem there.

Very anti porn view around on MN. I completely get that some women can come to harm in the industry but also some can't seem to comprehend that there is a significant number who actually want to actively participate in it.

This subject seems to ruffle feathers more than others. I think values mixed with insecurities can amplify feelings 10x.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 29/12/2019 11:22

Porn is foul. I would be upset

PanicAndRun · 29/12/2019 11:28

Given that OP's boyfriend watches it himself all the "I would be upset too " and "porn is vile/harmful" comments are irrelevant unless you want to change OP's mind about watching it herself. Which is fair enough, but has nothing to do with the situation.

He's not objecting on moral grounds, but because his ego and misogynistic views can't take the blow of OP finding pleasure without him. Just like some men kick off because their wife/partner uses sex toys.

This has nothing to do with the rights or wrongs(I tjink it is harmful in many many ways) of porn.

TheHonestTruth100 · 29/12/2019 11:30

OP I missed the part where you said he watches porn!!

He watches it and is allowed to tell you you're not allowed to??

BIN HIM

koshkat · 29/12/2019 11:33

I think values mixed with insecurities can amplify feelings 10x

So women who dislike porn for all of the reasons given above are actually just insecure...ok then...Hmm

JacquesHammer · 29/12/2019 11:36

I have a friend who was very well known in the porn industry. I can guarantee people on here will have watched her, think she was a “verified” porn star that was doing it of her own free will. In reality she was abused, raped and it has ruined her life and health (mental and physical).

If someone can show me a fail safe way of distinguishing between ethical and abusive porn that would be great.

TheClausSeason · 29/12/2019 11:37

OP, if I've read that right- he watches porn but do any think you should- YANBU.

Unrelated to OP but relevant to the 'Is porn bad?' discussion on here:

fightthenewdrug.org/by-the-numbers-porn-sex-trafficking-connected/

Full disclosure, the above is an anti-porn organisation, but the stats provided seem legit and are sourced.

over50andfab · 29/12/2019 11:46

Do you think that young men are not trafficked too?

I didn’t say this, I merely asked your views out of interest to see if they covered all porn, not just that involving women. What about couples that post an amateur videos? Is this ok, or assumed that the woman isn’t fully consenting and might have even been the one to suggest doing it?

Julie Bindel knows what she is talking about. Sorry that you do not want to hear it.

Yet again, assumptions. As I said, I read the article and absorbed it. However as I also said it is very one sided and I like to know both sides rather than just believe what I read. There was a good discussion on here a while back with some women who work in the sex industry and finding their view - on the good side and the bad. Interesting stuff!

At the risk of repeating myself, no one denies that exploitation exists - in porn and many other industries, but not all. It is personal choice and I respect anyone’s choice not to watch it.

Anyway, I’m off out now. OP I hope you’ve managed to have a good honest discussion about this.

koshkat · 29/12/2019 12:03

Re the couples posting sex online - well that too could be abuse couldn't it? Who knows if a person has been forced/coerced in to it? And that is the whole point isn't it? We don't know.

The blind spot that people have on this is wilful and sad. I wonder how many of you would be happy for your daughters, sisters, mothers to go in to this dreadful industry - or is it fine as long as it is someone else's daughter?

koshkat · 29/12/2019 12:04

Absolutely grim reading Claus. Sad

PanicAndRun · 29/12/2019 12:38

or is it fine as long as it is someone else's daughter?

You see this in many areas of life, particularly from men.

PlacidPenelope · 29/12/2019 12:43

As long as it's not them and theirs koshkat they couldn't give a toss and the all the twisting around and whatabouttery trying to justify themselves proves exactly that.

Ishotmrburns · 30/12/2019 01:38

If you're going down the "the ethical stuff supports the unethical stuff" or "you have no way of truly knowing what is and isn't ethical" route then it all gets a bit meta. Virtually everything produced in bulk is in some way related to exploitation, or at best ethically dubious. There are so few exceptions to this that it's frightening. I don't see why the porn industry is particularly different. More people are exploited in the production of Coca Cola or Pringles, or herbal essences shampoo. And have you seen that scary documentary on Netflix about those kids being taken hostage as part of the extortion racket in Mexico - for avocados. Yep, that's right, the children of avocado farmers in Mexico are being held to ransom and murdered by cartels.

Why pick on porn? If you believe everything that you say here (and I'm not for one second suggesting that you shouldn't) then I think you have much bigger things to worry about than the porn industry. The whole world needs to change. I'd start with the big problems first.

KnowMenClature · 30/12/2019 01:55

The derailing on here in order to justify porn, cos so much else is so much worse type shit, is just bonkers

Women are treated appallingly in porn. Most take a lot of drugs to get through.

Porn ruins personal sexuality and objectifies people.

Porn is harmful to sexual image, and bodily respect.

Porn means young men and women are damaged from an early age. The porn industry cause untold harm to viewers and performers in order to make money on thw back of it.

Very very grim.

Odd that anyone needs porn to achieve sexual gratification.

patrick80 · 30/12/2019 02:02

Wow there are a lot of puritanical people on here. sounds like he is being a twat. I once noticed my wife left her laptop on the bed with the screen unlocked and had a porn site open. It made me happy to know that I wasn't the only one in the house who looked at porn. ;-)