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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU. I might get a bashing for this but here goes

206 replies

Goinganonforthisone · 28/12/2019 19:39

So im in a fairly healthy relationship or so i thought. My partner checked for a number on my phone and "accidently " saw my search history and came across a porn site. Now we're both adults, loyal and im a bit peeved that im having to explain myself like im a damn schoolgirl. Im angry actually as i don't see what's wrong with it and i don't mind him looking at it as long as we don't feel unfulfilled or cheating. He's sitting here now with a long face and refuses to talk because he asked what kind of porn do i search for and what else am i hiding!! I think its ok to keep harmless little "secrets" or guilty pleasures as long as it doesn't harm the relationship. AIBU?

OP posts:
Panpastels · 28/12/2019 23:15

Is gay male porn ok? 🤔because I may have watched quite a bit of that in my time.

Rezie · 28/12/2019 23:18

First question is why was he snooping?
Is he against porn in general or just you watching it? Is he against it because of ethical concerns or because it makes him feel inadequate? Does he watch porn? Does he feel like it's cheating and have you talked about it before?

I feel like there are safe assumptions on what is cheating and then there is the grey area that each couple has to agree on. Porn is in the grey area. I feel like you should take his feelings seriously (and dotn dismis them) and talk about why he feels that way and then come up with an agreement. I don't consider watching it to be cheating but many do.

NeckPainChairSearch · 28/12/2019 23:18

It's just the OP didn't specify what she was watching so I'm not sure the immediate reaction should be to assume what she was watching is the dark part of the industry which we would all agree is horrendous

Agree with this. However, the industry relies on one part feeding the other to an extent.

I first interviewed women about their experiences in connection with my then work about 20 years ago. Last year, I worked with women who had been spat out of the porn industry in Nevada. Things are getting worse, not better.

If someone wants to watch porn, they should accept that it involves supporting an industry that harms women on most levels. Pretending that there is no problem, just because they can reel off the names of actors 'who aren't trafficked' is willful ignorance.

Namenic · 28/12/2019 23:21

Although you might think something is harmless, he might not. It’s something that you should discuss and agree on. Some people are ok with open relationships - but it is not very nice if the other person isn’t told and doesn’t agree.

ACouchOfOnesOwn · 28/12/2019 23:21

Watching porn isn't necessarily an issue. It's your attitude to secrets and 'guilty pleasures' that is UR imo. Keeping 'little secrets' in a relationship is rarely harmless. It raises questions about what other secrets you're keeping.

AtSea1979 · 28/12/2019 23:24

Depends why he’s not happy. If it’s because he’s horrified about the porn industry and your involvement in rape then he has a very valid point.
If it’s because he annoyed you are getting off on looking at other men’s bits then I see his point also.

NameChangeNugget · 28/12/2019 23:24

He’s being an arse

SandyY2K · 28/12/2019 23:27

So much hysteria over porn. Lots of porn is done by couples, posting their own stuff. Nothing hard core btw.

MN is full of drama queens on this and other issues.

envelopeofpubes · 28/12/2019 23:28

YANBU. All the women on MN who claim they would leave their partner for looking at porn.. I hate to break it to you but literally all men look at porn - and most women too.

Rubyroost · 28/12/2019 23:28

But all these women horrified by porn... I'm sorry, but likelihood is that their husband/partner/boyfriend watches it. No matter how much they protest they don't, vast majority of men do.

Rubyroost · 28/12/2019 23:29

@envelopeofpubes thing we write the same thing at the same time!

Iggleonkupsy · 28/12/2019 23:31

I agree. I can honestly say I'm yet to meet a man who has never watched porn.

NeckPainChairSearch · 28/12/2019 23:40

I hate to break it to you but literally all men look at porn

That's categorically untrue and a ludicrous statement. There are millions of men who simply don't. There are countless men who are active feminists and work to dismantle the most harmful parts of the porn industry.

I'm sorry that you believe this.

Apart from anything else, it's utterly unfair on the many men who loathe and oppose the porn industry, or simply don't watch porn.

AtSea1979 · 28/12/2019 23:45

It’s not hysteria at all. The couples videos etc as you put it, feed into the bigger problem.
Ask yourself one thing, would you happily consent to putting a video of yourself online doing those things for the world to see? If not, why not? And what state of mind must those that do be in?

Thickums · 28/12/2019 23:50

My friend and her husband make videos for some site. They don't get paid and it was her idea and she had to persuade him. I think they wear masks to hide their identity. They both work full time professional jobs too which makes our friendship group giggle. Not my cup of tea. But shes definitely not exploited.

Rubyroost · 28/12/2019 23:50

@NeckPainChairSearch keep telling yourself that Wink 😂

Helmlover1 · 28/12/2019 23:51

Hahaha it makes me laugh how women on here are in denial that their partner’s look at porn. Of course they do but you’ll never find it on their search history (ever heard of incognito?!). I suppose you also think they’ve never masturbated either? Bless you! Haha Wink

NeckPainChairSearch · 28/12/2019 23:52

But all these women horrified by porn

Stop doing articulate, intelligent posters such a deliberate disservice. It's not about 'hysteria' or being 'horrified by porn.' It's about giving a shit about the women and girls who are at constant risk within the industry.

WildChristmas · 28/12/2019 23:54

Porn is abusive. If you are fine with that, live with it. Don’t expect your lover to be okay with it. I wouldn’t.

And no I’m not a prude. I’ve good friends who have been in the porn industry. It really damaged them, they were vulnerable and thought they were making their own choices. Now they are older, they realize it was basically sexual abuse. One of them became infertile and another developed mental health problems so severe she cannot live a normal life.

But hey, it’s all just harmless fun right?
Sad

MargotB7 · 28/12/2019 23:55

A lot of people love making porn, getting easy money for doing it, get off on people watching them. Then there is the other side of people just doing it to get along or being forced into to it.

Helmlover1 · 28/12/2019 23:58

Neck- first of all, they are not girls, they are women. Girls under 18 aren’t allowed in the porn industry as that would be called paedophilia, which is illegal.

To enter the porn industry you need to be a consenting adult. Key words there- CONSENTING ADULT. So given this, can you please explain what makes you qualified and worthy to judge what another adult does for a living?

NeckPainChairSearch · 28/12/2019 23:58

RubyRoost
Helmlover1

There are men who hate porn for myriad reasons. I'm sorry that you have never met any of them. They certainly exist and many of them are brave and outspoken about it.

All women are not the same and neither are men.

NameChangeNugget · 29/12/2019 00:00

That's categorically untrue and a ludicrous statement. There are millions of men who simply don't. There are countless men who are active feminists and work to dismantle the most harmful parts of the porn industry

Meanwhile, in the real world.....

TSSDNCOP · 29/12/2019 00:00

A lot of people love making porn, getting easy money for doing it, get off on people watching them. Then there is the other side of people just doing it to get along or being forced into to it.

Thing is, whilst you’re wanking away, you can never be absolutely sure which one.

NeckPainChairSearch · 29/12/2019 00:02

Helm. Please tell me where I judged 'what another adult does for a living?'

Girls under 18 aren’t allowed in the porn industry as that would be called paedophilia, which is illegal

Yes. That would never happen, right?

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