Aibu to feel crap my husband and kids haven't got me anything for christmas

[thingamijig1]

I found out for definate today, I had suspected anyway, that my kids and my husband haven't bothered getting me anything for Christmas.
I feel really hurt. I've been trying to instil in the kids that Christmas is about giving and making the people you love smile. But my husband told me this morning they couldn't think what to get me for Christmas so he's just going to give me money 😒
The kids are only 7 and 5 so i am more miffed at my husband. Just seems crap I've put all this effort into making Christmas special and making them all smile and they couldn't give a toss about me 😔
Sorry will stop whining now.

My 13 year old tidied, dusted and hoovered her whole bedroom for me this morning and my 10 year old made me a cup of tea and folded some laundry. I would take that over presents any day. Could your DH suggest some little acts of kindness your kids could do?

You have three options in my opinion.

1. Tackle it head on, be direct and tell him you (reasonably) expect a gift
2. Unwrap his abs have a passive aggressive one sided stand off
3. Wallow in self pity and resentment

1. Sounds the best option and if he doesn't go and get you one then you may have to move to plan B

This has nothing whatsoever to do with your poor kids (I know you’ve said that but you alluded to them having some responsibility initially which is not ok)
However your husband is a twat. What a nerve on him to ignore you like this. You have an opportunity to re set this dynamic so for the love of god - take the present you’ve bought him and hide it. Do not hand it over. And when he asks about it, shrug and say, ‘well I don’t have a wrapped present, so....’ let it trail off so he ca reflect on what a selfish arse he is.

I actually said to my DH yesterday, "I wonder how early the first woman will post on Christmas Day saying that they had got nothing AGAIN?"

Like the PP I just don't understand why seemingly so many women put up with such lack of thought, care and respect.

You have three options in my opinion.

1. Tackle it head on, be direct and tell him you (reasonably) expect a gift
2. Unwrap his AND have a passive aggressive one sided stand off
3. Wallow in self pity and resentment

1. Sounds the best option to me - and if he doesn't go and get you one then you may have to move to plan B

DS was born in November and my DH bought me a rain hat (!?!?!) and a teapot for that first Christmas. I cried..... I felt like "I" had disappeared. I worked really hard to create a lovely Christmas in a partially renovated house, whilst nursing a baby, trying to breastfeed, not producing enough milk with a baby who would not latch on and having to spend hours expressing to try to harvest enough milk. whilst battling against a painfully unstable pelvis... and I got a daft hat and a tea pot when I don't event drink tea! DH was completely shame-faced. Even my DF asked him what on earth he had been thinking! Then I felt like a spoilt brat for crying, but all I really wanted was something feminine and for me (the woman who still had a pulse!).

So I feel for you OP!

I have no problem stating my needs/wants and expecting my efforts for other people to be reciprocated. It’s part of being in an equal, loving, respectful relationship. My daughters, too, have learnt from me that their needs and wants matter, and that they can and should expect to be treated well and appreciated. You need to assert yourself, tell him that you expect him to sort a present from him and your children and that he’s not to come home until he’s fixed this.

Without a good reason (we have had years before where we have just moved or we are both stressed etc where we haven't got anything ) this is actually really horrible. Its not about the present it's about not giving a toss.

Dp has really good reason to hate Christmas (and frankly today hes being hard work but I know why that is and give him some leeway) and even he has had my presents under the tree for a week . And prevented the 4 year old from trying to open them. We dont have loads of money so it will be small but it doesn't matter....its the thought and effort.

If hes ok the rest of the time I agree with a conversation...an adult one...along the lines of " you really hurt me that you couldn't be bothered. Here is your chance to figure it out and take it on board because if you dont it is genuinely affecting the way I see you".

Dont give him excuses like he is at work....if he wants to step up he will. Passive aggressive gets you nowhere. Say it , but say it once and consider the consequences if he chooses not to do it.

Presumably he has a lunch break? He can go out and get something in that. Supermarkets are open till 6pm. There's no excuse.

Op that is crap - sorry 💕. Not to late to send him off to a shop/garden centre, give him a list, Soaps, bubble bath, nice chocolate- anything really - kids will probably love choosing he just needs to take them and make an effort. Alternatively use money to book spa day with a friend and he can babysit for the day.

If it were me, I'd be pretty direct and tell him. But I am a bit blunt and direct so there is that.

"Hello xxx, I have been mulling this over all day, and I'm sorry but I feel really hurt that I'll be the only one not opening a present tomorrow. I know you tried and couldn't think of anything but it doesn't have to be perfect, it's the feeling that counts. Rather than me having hurt feelings and feeling left out tomorrow, I'm asking you now, pleae can you take the kids to Tesco/somewhere that's still open tonight and get me some things to open with the rest of you? Even chocolate and wine would be nice. They'll think it's fun to go out and it'll give me some time to finish stuff for tomorrow too. I'll leave wrapping paper and tape on the kitchen table. Love you and hope you're having an okay day at work xx"

Part of me thinks I should leave it and make it perfectly obvious I have nothing tomorrow and how shit it feels. Sounds conniving, but they need to learn how much they have hurt my feelings.

It's not "they" who needs to learn they've hurt your feelings and how shit it feels, it's your husband, please not make your children feel bad on Xmas day because of something beyond their control.

I'm not saying sweep it under carpet but I don't think you children should be sharing any of the blame for their dads lack of effort. If he's like this all year round and you put up with it then I'd start considering not putting up with it but don't be annoyed with the children. You say you've told him before, If their father doesn't listen to you then what chance do two small children have at making him put in any effort.

We gave our children a budget for Christmas presents from 3 years onwards. They knew they had to buy something for everyone coming on Christmas Day. They got good at it really quickly and genuinely take as much pleasure from giving as from receiving. I would take them out to a shop now, give them money, even if it is a pound and get them to choose a present for all of you, including your useless h. When you get home, they also get to wrap them. They will be so proud tomorrow, and in a few years you will be getting thoughtful gifts.
But I would also be texting useless h that if he does not manage to produce something for you tomorrow, he’ll be doing Christmas single handed while you stay in bed with gin and a good book!

One year my OH bought some bubble bath for my boys to give me. I found out because the 6yo told me he knew what he wanted to get for me but dad just got something without him even being there. I asked OH what had happened and and he said he hadn't had time. So I told him that next year he was sorting out everything and all I would do would be take the boys out to buy him a present. And I stuck to it. I started in August telling him he needed to start popping into Woolies each week to see if there were any character vests/socks etc reduced. Every couple of weeks I said "you need to start thinking about x and y", building up to daily tips in December. He learned his lesson.

Myself and Dh dont exchange presents for xmas anymore, best decision we ever made. After 32 years together we were both becoming hard to shop for, had every gadget or hobby bit we wanted, not big into perfumes. So we decided we would have a long weekend kids free break every February instead. This year we went to Iceland, next year we're looking at somewhere in Europe.

The thing is you can say that you would like something to open and give them ideas until your blue in the face. You can spell it out all you like and sit them down and tell them .However if they ( mine) makes all the right noises and still "forgets" what do you do. You sit down and feel shit.

We don’t routinely do gifts for Christmas between us either - this year we’re not exchanging gifts and we didn’t last year either. But in the years that we do I absolutely get a well thought out gift that demonstrates that my OH a) knows me very well, b) listens to what I say and pays careful attention to my likes and dislikes c) appreciates everything I do for him and d) wants to treat me and make me happy. And vice versa.

(Sorry OP I really hope I’m not coming across smug or like I’m pushing my lovely OH down your neck when yours has been so utterly thoughtless. I’m just trying to demonstrate that you deserve better and you are right to feel hurt. I’m sorry for your sadness today and I hope you will tell him straight out to get himself together and get you something nice.)

Presents aren't important. Being with family and loved ones is. Had a hell of a shock this morning a family member has passed away. Presents don't seem important at all.

I dont get how this ever happened? The first year you were together what happened? He must have got you something or you wouldn't still be together?

If he got you something shit first year like socks then surely the next year you would've said you wanted perfume or something?

When he said hed got you nothing what was your response. Didn't you kick off?

It's really not normal behaviour. Ne and my boyfriend have not been together long and both have a stocking each and pile of presents under the tree. Its normal conversation e.g what do you want for xmas? Shall we get eachother stockings this year? Who's ordering the turkey? What's our budget?

If most people are able to have this conversation for their first ever xmas.. How can you not when your married with children and been together years? Do you just not ever speak of Christmas? Or speak at all?

Im baffled. Its just odd!!

Send him out now to get something!!!!

I feel for you OP.

Your OH could have taken the kids into the poundshop and let them choose a gift for you.

Costs pennies, but meaningful if it was chosen and wrapped by them.

Goldenhoops this. I honestly thought with all my previous badgering he would know by now.
I've sorted something for the kids to give me so they are happy.
I like the idea of giving them a budget and folk to buy for. Will be doing this next year. They are lovely kids and really enjoy making people happy. Another reason why I am so annoyed at dh.

There’s no way I’d be giving my OH a present from me if he’d not bothered to reciprocate. Let your kids give him their present to him but don’t give him what you e bought from you.

Buttons so sorry to hear of your loss

It's not about the present it's the lack of thought.