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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU ILs

209 replies

AIBU2020 · 23/12/2019 10:49

AIBU?

My MIL got a horse at the beginning of the year, she knew none of us where really interested in horses. I can’t ride as I’m disabled and can’t really go up and help muck out either as it makes my illness worse espically in the cold. So I’ve been up there all of 5 times since she got the horse.
She expects us to pay horse insurance for the horse, when she first got him we told her we wouldn’t be paying every month just as and when we could afford it. So far this year we’ve paid over £400 of our own money towards it.
This month understandably we are skint with Christmas. We’ve paid for the whole Christmas dinner for our ILs as we are hosting and along with presents etc we just couldn’t afford the insurance.
She has DN live with her also who works yet doesn’t pay towards living with MIL or towards the horse yet she’s up there most days riding. MIL demanded why we wasn’t paying horse insurance this month the other day in front of our friends who were round for the evening so I didn’t want to go into to much detail about our money. I just said we was behind on the bills and couldn’t afford it this month, to which she said she was struggling to and getting behind on her bills and that she needed the money from us. To which DH said we can’t give you what we don’t have.
Now I’ve noticed she asks us to get her items when we go shopping and then doesn’t pay us back so it’s really starting to add up. I also share my car with her (that I pay for) and she uses it a lot more than I do.
Would I be unreasonable to tell her from January we won’t be paying anymore money towards the horse? My DC don’t like horses so they don’t even benefit from it. Thing is it will cause world war 3 if we say we won’t be paying anymore but surely DN should be paying towards the horse since she’s up there every day? Sad I’m really behind on our bills now, and it makes me sad that MIL expects us to pay this amount every month for her personal hobby because she claims we have more money than her (but of course we do we have DC to pay for which aren’t cheap!)

OP posts:
Tatty101 · 23/12/2019 10:51

Why would you pay anything in the first place?

Her hobby, her bill would be my response!

commoncoot · 23/12/2019 10:51

I don't really understand why you're paying for her horse unless it's a shared family horse? No is a complete sentence

CherryPlum · 23/12/2019 10:52

Why did you pay any of the insurance for her? I don't understand.

StoorieHoose · 23/12/2019 10:52

You should never have put a penny towards her hobby in the first place. Put a stop now

Ellisandra · 23/12/2019 10:52

I don’t know what to say.
I can’t imagine a situation where you would ever have paid a single penny.
So I can’t imagine why you are asking if you’re unreasonable.

Sometimes, it’s worth starting WW3 🤷🏻‍♀️

Just say, “No - you wasn’t get any money from us towards the horse - we don’t want it.”

FranticToddlerMum · 23/12/2019 10:53

Wow 125% agree with you!

Why on earth does she expect you to pay for her horse, it makes no sense.

MrsExpo · 23/12/2019 10:54

YANBU. I own a horse and know full well how much it costs. I assume she keeps it at a livery yard? What on earth was she thinking getting the horse in the first place knowing she couldn't afford the full cost of its care. Just tell her you're out, you are not paying penny towards the horse going forward and let her sort it out herself.

also tell her she's contributing towards your car running costs, insurance etc from January too. CFery of the very highest order!!!

dreamingofsun · 23/12/2019 10:54

was MIL clear that you werent contributing or using the horse before buying it? In which case there is no reason for you to contribute either to the horse or other goods. If your response was we may contribute when we can then i think you need to give her more warning that you are not going to pay, so she can get her finances in order. maybe say from March we will no longer be contributing as we are broke and have other priorities than a horse

Frenchw1fe · 23/12/2019 10:54

Just don't pay and don't let her use your car.

Ellisandra · 23/12/2019 10:55

When you get shopping for her, next time say, “Here are your potatoes - that’s £2.80 please.” Then next time say, “You haven’t paid us for the potatoes yet - I’ll get you the oranges, but only if you transfer the money for both to me first.”

As I said, sometimes starting the war is actually the way to go.

FourStarsShine · 23/12/2019 10:55

This makes literally no sense. Why would you pay insurance for a horse none of you ‘use’ or benefit from?

DukeChatsworth · 23/12/2019 10:55

Are you mad?!

Why are you paying anything towards a horse she wanted and you didn’t?

Also why are you sharing a car with her that she didn’t contribute to?

She’s not your child ffs. Stop funding her or if you carry on you’ve only got yourself to blame.

GreenTulips · 23/12/2019 10:56

Tell her to sell the bloody horse, they are more expensive than kids.

Not even sure why to lend her your car. Tell her you can afford the car insurance to include her.

Get a back bone and start saying no.

IckyIsAFuckingStupidWord · 23/12/2019 10:56

Can you explain why you’re paying for this if you don’t use it? I really don’t get this.

Also why should the nephew/niece pay? Do they use the horse?

More info needed.

Cocolapew · 23/12/2019 10:56

Don't pay towards the horse.
Don't buy her stuff.
Dont share your car.
Don't be a mug.

Ellisandra · 23/12/2019 11:00

I’m coming back to this with Confused face still Grin
Can you explain why you agreed to pay in the first place?
I have says YANBU, but you did tell her your pay - and you have been up 5x this year. So you’ve been involved with the horse in some way. You say your children aren’t interested... but that’s now. Did you think they would be, and that’s why you agreed to share costs, and why you (and they?) have been up 5x this year?

Original poster
AIBU2020 · 23/12/2019 11:01

We was clear we wouldn’t be paying every month, my DH specifically said at the time we don’t want a horse (her idea was originally to have a horse shared between the family but nobody wanted a shared horse so she got the horse off her own back) but we would pay towards it if and only when we could afford it but now she just expects it. She’s brought it up a few time’s to us and others that we get more money than her so it’s only “fair” we pay our bit. Hmm Also made her aware before she got the horse we wouldn’t be going up there to help care for the horse as I’m disabled and have a disabled child myself so don’t really have the time or energy to be doing it. I really regret paying towards it now, it’s DHs fault as he felt bad for his mum originally but she does have enough to pay for it off her own back which we’ve recently found out.
Think I’m just going to have to risk world war 3.. going to be very hard as she’s the only family we have round here as we moved to be closer to her so going to be lonely if she cuts us off in a strop.

OP posts:
Original poster
AIBU2020 · 23/12/2019 11:03

@IckyIsAFuckingStupidWord yes DN uses the horse all the time to go and enter horse shows, goes on hacks by herself etc.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 23/12/2019 11:06

Stop paying! My insurance is only £500 a year and that’s expensive. I don’t expect anyone to pay towards mine unless they share/ride him. It’s ridiculous! Also take your car back. Stop being a doormat to pacify her.

commoncoot · 23/12/2019 11:07

I still don't understand why she expects you to pay.

Just say no

Jupiters · 23/12/2019 11:07

Don't pay any more towards the horse! I'd also suggest stopping this car share business.

Cocolapew · 23/12/2019 11:08

I'd rather be lonely than put up with that nonsense.

Original poster
AIBU2020 · 23/12/2019 11:08

@commoncoot it’s just the type of person she is. She can be lovely at times but other time’s she can be very selfish. She cut off BIL as he didn’t give her money towards the horse last Christmas so I guess we all felt pressured into giving her money.

OP posts:
MedusasButterDish · 23/12/2019 11:09

Oh, dear. World War III has already started. She started it, and you're sitting there, allowing the invasion (looting your bank accounts, requisitioning your vehicle...).

Mobilise your armies and kick her out!

fedup21 · 23/12/2019 11:10

It’s irrelevant if you earn more than her-you didn’t want a horse, you’re not paying for her horse. Just stop now.

She got it off her own bat -it’s entirely her problem. I don’t get why you haven’t made this crystal clear.

Why is she driving your car as well??