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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU ILs

209 replies

AIBU2020 · 23/12/2019 10:49

AIBU?

My MIL got a horse at the beginning of the year, she knew none of us where really interested in horses. I can’t ride as I’m disabled and can’t really go up and help muck out either as it makes my illness worse espically in the cold. So I’ve been up there all of 5 times since she got the horse.
She expects us to pay horse insurance for the horse, when she first got him we told her we wouldn’t be paying every month just as and when we could afford it. So far this year we’ve paid over £400 of our own money towards it.
This month understandably we are skint with Christmas. We’ve paid for the whole Christmas dinner for our ILs as we are hosting and along with presents etc we just couldn’t afford the insurance.
She has DN live with her also who works yet doesn’t pay towards living with MIL or towards the horse yet she’s up there most days riding. MIL demanded why we wasn’t paying horse insurance this month the other day in front of our friends who were round for the evening so I didn’t want to go into to much detail about our money. I just said we was behind on the bills and couldn’t afford it this month, to which she said she was struggling to and getting behind on her bills and that she needed the money from us. To which DH said we can’t give you what we don’t have.
Now I’ve noticed she asks us to get her items when we go shopping and then doesn’t pay us back so it’s really starting to add up. I also share my car with her (that I pay for) and she uses it a lot more than I do.
Would I be unreasonable to tell her from January we won’t be paying anymore money towards the horse? My DC don’t like horses so they don’t even benefit from it. Thing is it will cause world war 3 if we say we won’t be paying anymore but surely DN should be paying towards the horse since she’s up there every day? Sad I’m really behind on our bills now, and it makes me sad that MIL expects us to pay this amount every month for her personal hobby because she claims we have more money than her (but of course we do we have DC to pay for which aren’t cheap!)

OP posts:
CallmeAngelina · 30/12/2019 10:44

Your mil kicked you out of her house and your husband STAYED ON FOR LUNCH????!!!
ShockShockShock

TheReef · 30/12/2019 11:08

Well done OP! Thanks

Troels · 30/12/2019 11:10

Bloody hell OP shes a complete nut.
Glad you have the car and aren't paying anymore.
What does Dh have to say about it all now?

KurriKurri · 30/12/2019 11:16

Check out if you are eligible for hospital transport - if you aren't very mobile and can't drive because of your disability you may well be.
As for you MIL - she sounds crazy - you are well rid. Paying for her horse ? - She's completely mad !

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 30/12/2019 11:18

Your MIL kicked you out of her house and your DH and the DC stayed for dinner? I would have been incandescent (and very hurt) if my DH had been so disloyal.

Still, I suppose it has started WW3 - as you mentioned - and at least you won't have to pay towards the bloody horse or let her scrounge off you in terms of the car and shopping.

I think your idea of finding new friends is a good one. MIL is certainly no friend to you.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 30/12/2019 11:20

I'm disabled and get community transport to hospital appointments. Please ask the hospital, as I'm sure you'll be entitled to help.

fedup21 · 30/12/2019 11:21

How will your MIL get around without your car?!

I bet she won’t be happy!

ohfourfoxache · 30/12/2019 11:22

Ultimately it’s a good outcome as far as MIL is concerned.

But your husband is a cuntweasel, he doesn’t stand up for you - if he did then he’d have gone too

CallmeAngelina · 30/12/2019 11:30

Do you have a "Good Neighbours" scheme local to you? They can be helpful with getting to appointments.

Jokie · 30/12/2019 11:35

I guess the question will be: how much does she need you? To know how quickly she'll want to be in contact

SoulsStars · 30/12/2019 11:46

What @CallmeAngelina said.

Shock
LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 30/12/2019 11:53

I agree your husband sent mil the wrong message by staying. But she did you a favour chucking you out.

BreatheAndFocus · 30/12/2019 12:09

Detach, detach, detach!

You’ve allowed yourself to be entangled in weird Family (yes, a capital letter) stuff. No adults should be so enveloped by their parents or PIL. This absolute CFery has simply demonstrated to you how bloody weird the whole set-up is!

MIL sounds like an indulged child (she cut BIL off because he didn’t pay for the sodding horse??!) Everyone is pussyfooting around her and enabling her.

I can’t believe your DH stayed when you were chucked out! I don’t care if the meal was about to be served! I’d have taken my DC and walked out and if DH had stayed more than a few minutes (to speak to his DM and explain how disgusting her behaviour was), he could have stayed their for good! I’m fuming on your behalf!

I’m glad you got your car back. If I was you, I’d be looking to get much further away from this Family and their tendrils of total assimilation!

Hopefully once the initial stress has died down, you’ll look back and be glad you’ve got free of this horse crap and the CFery about your car and money.

olivertwistwantsmore · 30/12/2019 12:22

This is bonkers. Just tell her it’s her horse, why should you pay for her hobby? Don’t pay her any more.

Re the hospital appointments, how many are there? How else can you get there? Dh, bus, train, taxi?

I’d be taking mil off the car insurance and distancing myself from her, financially and emotionally. Who cares that she’s the only relative you have that lives near you? She doesn’t spark joy in you, does she? Does she make you happy or stress you out? She sounds bonkers. Put on your big girl pants and tell her.

What’s your h doing in all this?

SmileyGiraffe · 30/12/2019 12:24

@olivertwistwatsmore

Her husband is reading the fucking thread. I suggest you join him.

olivertwistwantsmore · 30/12/2019 12:24

Should have read your update before posting.

Your h stayed for lunch after mil had throw; you out?? What a spineless fool you’re married to.

Op, it’s better to have no family than poisonous toxic family, honestly it is. Your life will be better without bonkers mil in it.

But what are you going to do about your h? You can’t trust him to support you at all.

olivertwistwantsmore · 30/12/2019 12:25

Yeah, thanks for that @SmileyGiraffe... 🙄

Motoko · 30/12/2019 12:49

I'm gobsmacked that your husband didn't walk out with you and the kids. Things could be explained to them in a way that they would understand. "Grandma was very cruel to Mummy, so we'll go home and eat there."

How can you be sure he won't still give her money?

Kazplus2 · 30/12/2019 13:01

I'm betting she has never contributed to your car insurance, services, MOTs etc
She will be back as soon as she realises she misses the car. If and when that happens make sure it comes with conditions!!!!

OldEvilOwl · 30/12/2019 13:11

I still don't understand how you agreed to pay anything towards the horse in the first place, put your foot down OP. Don't give her another penny

FirsttimeTTC · 30/12/2019 13:14

Good for you OP!! Your MIL sounds like a right handful! You’re better off without her in your life.

Winterdaysarehere · 30/12/2019 13:31

I hope dh is grovelling to you still....

MulticolourMophead · 30/12/2019 13:32

I'm gobsmacked that your husband didn't walk out with you and the kids. Things could be explained to them in a way that they would understand. "Grandma was very cruel to Mummy, so we'll go home and eat there."

How can you be sure he won't still give her money?

My thoughts too. the OP's DH staying behind just gives mixed messages to his mother that the couple are not united, and that this difference can be exploited.

If the OP's DH is reading the thread, as has been suggested, then I recommend he retrieves his balls from his mother's bag and starts standing up for OP, properly. His mother will simply carry on making more and more demands if he doesn't.

PrettyPurse · 30/12/2019 13:46

Have you got her car key back as you may find the car gone one day

HermioneWeasley · 30/12/2019 14:01

Your husband was out of order to stay - it’s not a bad lesson for kids to learn that you stand up to people who treat you badly.

It’s great news she’s out of your life. Enjoy your money!