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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU ILs

209 replies

AIBU2020 · 23/12/2019 10:49

AIBU?

My MIL got a horse at the beginning of the year, she knew none of us where really interested in horses. I can’t ride as I’m disabled and can’t really go up and help muck out either as it makes my illness worse espically in the cold. So I’ve been up there all of 5 times since she got the horse.
She expects us to pay horse insurance for the horse, when she first got him we told her we wouldn’t be paying every month just as and when we could afford it. So far this year we’ve paid over £400 of our own money towards it.
This month understandably we are skint with Christmas. We’ve paid for the whole Christmas dinner for our ILs as we are hosting and along with presents etc we just couldn’t afford the insurance.
She has DN live with her also who works yet doesn’t pay towards living with MIL or towards the horse yet she’s up there most days riding. MIL demanded why we wasn’t paying horse insurance this month the other day in front of our friends who were round for the evening so I didn’t want to go into to much detail about our money. I just said we was behind on the bills and couldn’t afford it this month, to which she said she was struggling to and getting behind on her bills and that she needed the money from us. To which DH said we can’t give you what we don’t have.
Now I’ve noticed she asks us to get her items when we go shopping and then doesn’t pay us back so it’s really starting to add up. I also share my car with her (that I pay for) and she uses it a lot more than I do.
Would I be unreasonable to tell her from January we won’t be paying anymore money towards the horse? My DC don’t like horses so they don’t even benefit from it. Thing is it will cause world war 3 if we say we won’t be paying anymore but surely DN should be paying towards the horse since she’s up there every day? Sad I’m really behind on our bills now, and it makes me sad that MIL expects us to pay this amount every month for her personal hobby because she claims we have more money than her (but of course we do we have DC to pay for which aren’t cheap!)

OP posts:
Original poster
AIBU2020 · 23/12/2019 11:14

She’s driving my car because I can’t drive very far because my disabilities. I sometimes get appoiments for hostipal that are a good hours drive away and I just can’t drive that far so I originally put her on my insurance for this. She does take me to these appointments I’ll give her that but then it started with “oh I need to go shopping can I borrow the car” and then just escalated but if I take her off the insurance then I can’t get to my appointments.

OP posts:
Tighnabruaich · 23/12/2019 11:14

Just tell her! None of you use the horse except her and DN - therefore they are the ones to pay for it.
Why does she share your car - does she pay for its insurance, MOT, servicing etc? If not, why not?
Why would you be lonely if she falls out with you - make some friends!

Luckingfovely · 23/12/2019 11:18

You have allowed yourself to get into an utterly ridiculous situation.

You really need to grow up and put some boundaries in place.

Winterdaysarehere · 23/12/2019 11:19

Buy it a bag of carrots with your weekly shop. And tell mil to be grateful or she can shove them up....
Her nose..
Her arse.
Delete as appropriate op...

Owlypants · 23/12/2019 11:19

Tell her there will be no more payment for the horse and tell her to stop using your car. She has a horse, she can ride it to Tesco

Wattagoose90 · 23/12/2019 11:19

This is one I read thinking "this absolutely can't be real". One of the oddest posts I've read in a while.

If it is real, it's ridiculous. Don't give her another penny for it and ask for money for shopping upfront.

If she's putting petrol in the car and not inconveniencing you by using it then let her continue. If not, tell her you've got plans so she can't.

JKScot4 · 23/12/2019 11:22

The horse is your DNs who can pay for it her bloody self! Cheeky horse fucks!

Cohle · 23/12/2019 11:23

Were you there for the conversation between her and your DH originally? This is so odd that I can't help but wonder if he wasn't terribly clear or firm originally and your MIL really believes that you agreed to pay every month.

Bloomburger · 23/12/2019 11:25

Take her off the insurance for the car, stop paying for the horse and you'll still be quids in if you have to get a minicab to the hospital.

She's being a cheeky fucker and fleecing you fir what must be a bloody horse made of some sort of precious metal if the insurance is over £4K a year.

Thingsthatgo · 23/12/2019 11:25

Did you kind of agree that the family would share the horse? Did you say ‘no, we don’t want a horse, but we can help you out with insurance sometimes. We are not able to help or interested in riding’
It seems that either there was a miscommunication or MIL is taking advantage.
If you have at any point be unclear about your position, I can see how it got to this situation. (My MIL is similar, and takes advantage of grey areas!)

JumpyLiz · 23/12/2019 11:27

Don’t know why but ‘got the horse off her own back’ made me lol.

The rest is pure batshittery.

Original poster
AIBU2020 · 23/12/2019 11:27

It’s a very real post unfortunately. I suffer with really bad mental health so I guess I’m a complete push over when it comes to stuff like this as I hate confrontation and get really anxious and have panic attacks and to avoid that happening I try and be a people pleaser which they are aware of, so I guess I’m a easy target in a way.
It is ridiculous and it’s making me Ill. I’m just going to have to brace myself for her cutting us off and tell her I can’t afford to carry on paying for it.

OP posts:
fedup21 · 23/12/2019 11:29

if I take her off the insurance then I can’t get to my appointments.

Well, no-surely your choice isn’t either she takes you or you can’t go?!

What if she broke her leg or died-how would you get to your appointments then. You need to consider an alternative.

DH
Train
Bus
Coach
Taxi

She is a financial liability-you need to distance yourselves from her.

DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh · 23/12/2019 11:29

It's HER fucking horse!

Why are you paying or doing ANYTHING related to it?

Tell her to sort it herself or to sell the bloody thing! And if she neglects it call the police/RSPCA for animal cruelty

Animals are living creatures - if you take them on they are your responsibility. You can't just shove them off onto someone else, especially if that someone wasn't interested in the first place.

TheSerenDipitY · 23/12/2019 11:30

say no, practice saying it until you can say it and mean it,
no, NO, No! NO! naw, nah nope, nada, nein, non NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
if she cuts you off? well thats going to be her loss isnt it... she wont be able to use your car, she wont be able to get you to pick up shit for her... i cant see any down sides to saying nawwwwwww

Christmaspug · 23/12/2019 11:30

I’m sorry ,but you and your dh are utter mugs ,she’s taking you for a ride why can’t you both say no ,no more money for the gee gee and no more driving the car
Utterly bizarre thread ,

DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh · 23/12/2019 11:31

if I take her off the insurance then I can’t get to my appointments.

How much does horse insurance cost?

What would be the cost of taxis to your appointments?

AND you wouldn't be at her mercy.

DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh · 23/12/2019 11:32

Tell her there will be no more payment for the horse and tell her to stop using your car. She has a horse, she can ride it to Tesco

Owlypants

This is pure CLASS!

Xmas Grin Xmas Grin Xmas Grin

FraglesRock · 23/12/2019 11:33

Set up a group chat
Dear mil
It's become clear that you didn't take onboard our decision about the horse. We don't visit or muck out due to the disabilities in our family so told you we would not be contributing.

Don't give her any money
Take mil off the insurance
You can either add her for one day here and there or organise hospital transport

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/12/2019 11:34

Getting to your appointments is going to be tricky. Can your dh take you? Not ideal I know. Ask at the hospital if there is any help. Perhaps you can go closer and get a taxi from X point. Your lives are intertwined and it isn’t healthy due to her personality. Perhaps your bil could help with lifts for example.

Inertia · 23/12/2019 11:34

If you stop paying for a horse and a car for your niece and MIL you could use the money saved for taxis to your hospital appointments.

Tighnabruaich · 23/12/2019 11:36

If you stop paying this ridiculous horse insurance you would immediately feel much better.
Just standing up for yourself will do wonders for your life. Does your husband think it's ok to be paying for this horse? Is he ever able to take you to hospital?
Take the car off her, as someone else said, she can ride her fecking horse to Tesco!

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 23/12/2019 11:37

OP you know this situation is bloody ridiculous...tell her no more. You cannot keep your own family and hers too its bonkers. It would be worth starting ww3 just to resolve this madness....shut your purse where she is concerned her problems and luxuries are for her to sort not you!

StoppinBy · 23/12/2019 11:37

I wish I had a relative like you, I would love someone to come and pay my bills that they have no legal or moral obligation to be paying Wink .

Seriously, no way do you need to pay a cent towards that horse any more than you need to pay to feed your neighbours dog. Don't give her a cent more it sounds like it would be great if she did distance herself from you.

BAISum6367 · 23/12/2019 11:38

Mrs Expo is correct. I also have a horse who costs me around £8,000 per year and he is not even insured as he had too many excesses on him! But why would I expect anyone to pay for him? I wouldn't, its my hobby, my lifestyle, my horse!

I wouldn't have him if I couldn't afford him or the vets bills that come with a horse. She sounds like she doesn't even have a contingency fund, she is mad. If her horse should get ill or have a bad cut for example how does she think she is going to afford it. Even with insurance the excess has to be paid. She's a silly woman.

You need to tell her to get stuffed.