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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU ILs

209 replies

AIBU2020 · 23/12/2019 10:49

AIBU?

My MIL got a horse at the beginning of the year, she knew none of us where really interested in horses. I can’t ride as I’m disabled and can’t really go up and help muck out either as it makes my illness worse espically in the cold. So I’ve been up there all of 5 times since she got the horse.
She expects us to pay horse insurance for the horse, when she first got him we told her we wouldn’t be paying every month just as and when we could afford it. So far this year we’ve paid over £400 of our own money towards it.
This month understandably we are skint with Christmas. We’ve paid for the whole Christmas dinner for our ILs as we are hosting and along with presents etc we just couldn’t afford the insurance.
She has DN live with her also who works yet doesn’t pay towards living with MIL or towards the horse yet she’s up there most days riding. MIL demanded why we wasn’t paying horse insurance this month the other day in front of our friends who were round for the evening so I didn’t want to go into to much detail about our money. I just said we was behind on the bills and couldn’t afford it this month, to which she said she was struggling to and getting behind on her bills and that she needed the money from us. To which DH said we can’t give you what we don’t have.
Now I’ve noticed she asks us to get her items when we go shopping and then doesn’t pay us back so it’s really starting to add up. I also share my car with her (that I pay for) and she uses it a lot more than I do.
Would I be unreasonable to tell her from January we won’t be paying anymore money towards the horse? My DC don’t like horses so they don’t even benefit from it. Thing is it will cause world war 3 if we say we won’t be paying anymore but surely DN should be paying towards the horse since she’s up there every day? Sad I’m really behind on our bills now, and it makes me sad that MIL expects us to pay this amount every month for her personal hobby because she claims we have more money than her (but of course we do we have DC to pay for which aren’t cheap!)

OP posts:
Original poster
AIBU2020 · 23/12/2019 12:02

DN is 20, yes she’s BIL child but she works and gets plenty of wages. She doesn’t take me to many medical appointments at the moment I have one every 3 months, I’ve had to cancel a few times though as they come at the same time as she’s sorting the horse so I haven’t actually been seen in 6 months. I’m going to look into hostipal transport and see if I qualify.
Yes I agreed to pay for it stupidly but I thought us saying as and when we could afford it she’d understand it wasn’t going to be every month without fail. If we don’t pay she gets into a mood, one point I was planning to take DC out for a day out and only had limited funds on the same day the horse insurance was due, she had a go at DH on the phone so he sent it over to her to stop her having a go and as a result my children missed out. AngryBlush

OP posts:
fedup21 · 23/12/2019 12:03

How did you get to appointments before you met her?

I’d be looking at moving closer to the hospital if your DH can’t drive and you can’t drive for an hour. Is your physical issue likely to deteriorate or improve?

NoSauce · 23/12/2019 12:05

This is odd. Why would anyone buy a horse then expect other people to pay towards it?

BumbleBeee69 · 23/12/2019 12:16

THIS has be a windup FFS ?!

Pfefferkuchen · 23/12/2019 12:17

Guess you'll need to sell your horse, then."Every time she says she can't afford to pay his bills.Every.Time.

only advice we can give you.

the "arrangement" makes no sense. A set sum if you must (like £200) once a year as a gift to put towards the horse, why not.
A "we pay when we can afford it" is ridiculous.

stop paying.

MatildaTheCat · 23/12/2019 12:20

Just tell your DH to tell her that you’ve reviewed your finances and can’t continue to help with the horse costs (which will rise year after year). You agreed (foolishly) to assist when you could but looking back at your finances you cannot continue.

Say it. Mean it.

With regards to the car you might just want to be very much less available in terms of lending it. Sorry, no, I need it today. It’s your car.

And the shopping, come on. You simply hold the bag of items and present her with the receipt. She pays or there will be no more shopping done.

Please put a stop to all this craziness. Next thing she will be wanting to upgrade your car and buy a horse box so she can drive to the horse events with your DN. at your expense obviously. No, MIL, we can’t pay this for you. Over and over.

Shoxfordian · 23/12/2019 12:22

I really don't understand why you would ever have agreed to pay anything towards a horse you don't ride or want. I want to buy a new handbag for christmas op, please send me 400 next time you fancy dishing it out.
Wow

commoncoot · 23/12/2019 12:32

I'm sorry your MH is bad. She's sounds like a toxic bully. Stop paying towards the horse. No is a complete sentence.

If she demands money and threatens to cut you off then let her. I imagine you'll feel better for it. You don't need people like that in your life.

Stop letting her use your car. Take her off the insurance and it tell her if she wants to use it she has to pay towards the car! Since she actually uses it (unlike you with the horse) it's a reasonable request.

A lot of hospitals can help with providing transport and if not a lot of local taxi forms or other places provide transport for people who need it to hospitals etc. I'd start researching those. The hospital can point you in the right direction

Ellisandra · 23/12/2019 12:32

It’s a well worn line on here, but “you have a husband problem”.

She asked if you’d share the costs of the horse: you said yes. Doesn’t matter what you think you said about “as and when”, from her (correct) point of view, you committed to this horse share.

But your husband let his child miss out on a day out for this?

He needs to tell MIL no.

And I don’t understand why you have missed your medical appointment due to this horse. Surely your appointments are important enough that you would have found another way to attend?

Topseyt · 23/12/2019 12:35

I've never heard of such a ridiculous arrangement. It is her horse. She wanted the horse. She has to pay for it, including insurance, additional vet bills etc. I don't have horses but I have had friends who do and they are VERY expensive.

Why should you pay anything at all towards HER horse? Why did you ever agree it in the first place? Why on earth does she have access to your car? This is madness. I would put a stop to it immediately.

leckford · 23/12/2019 12:36

I never understand why people on here pander to their batshit relations. I have a horse I pay for everything my self I have few relations but would never ask them for money for anything. The answer is no, if other relations ride the horse they can pay

ReanimatedSGB · 23/12/2019 12:38

Have a read of this thread OP - it's an excellent example of how to deal effectively with a greedy, cheeky cunt of a relative.

fedup21 · 23/12/2019 12:39

She doesn’t take me to many medical appointments at the moment I have one every 3 months, I’ve had to cancel a few times though as they come at the same time as she’s sorting the horse so I haven’t actually been seen in 6 months

So you’re letting her use the car as she needs to take you to appointments but isn’t actually taking you to any?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 23/12/2019 12:40

Get your car back and use hospital transport, public transport or taxis until your DH can drive (do you have any friends who could drive you:).

Re the horse, I think the problem is, your DH did originally say he would pay towards it as and when he could. that's where your problem is. Give them 3 months notice that you won't be paying towards the horse and then you have given them plenty of time to look at other ways of earning money or of re-homing the horse.

eddielizzard · 23/12/2019 12:42

She's massively taking the piss. I think you have to accept that you will have to deal with some fallout, but this can't continue. You're prioritising her hobbies over your children Shock. I'd stop paying for the horse, and pay for your DH's driving lessons. The fact that she isn't even taking you to hospital appts because she's prioritising her horse shows she isn't holding up her side of the agreement and couldn't give a shit about you. Outrageous actually.

Chewbecca · 23/12/2019 12:43

This is weird. You shouldn't pay for it regardless of whether you can afford it or not.

You need to sit down and have a very clear conversation that is quite simply

  • we don't want a horse
  • we will not pay for the horse
  • the horse must be paid for by the users and if they cannot afford it, it must be sold
Winterdaysarehere · 23/12/2019 12:45

Make 2020 the year you find your voice op..

IHateBlueLights · 23/12/2019 12:48

You need to stop paying altogether. All hell will break loose but it will avoid the monthly demands. Say you can no longer afford to support DN's hobby and she'll have to pay for it herself.

nettie434 · 23/12/2019 12:48

Tell her there will be no more payment for the horse and tell her to stop using your car. She has a horse, she can ride it to Tesco

Owlypants This is just the best answer ever Grin

AIBU2020 I really feel for you being in this situation. However, I think you have no choice but to say firmly that it must stop. I can’t imagine how any reasonable person would let you miss your hospital appointments when you put them on the insurance specifically to help with this. I know it will be hard to speak up but you are really being affected financially and in terms of your health.

Betteb · 23/12/2019 12:50

Only since reading Mumsnet have I realised that some MILs know exactly what is going on with their children's finances, wth Hmm
It is none of her business whether you have more money than her or not or what you do with **your money!!!

Nanny0gg · 23/12/2019 12:51

Get the car back.

Sell it.

Stop paying insurance.

Pay for taxis from the proceeds.

Stop putting you and your health last.

And your DH should be having strong words with his mother.

fedup21 · 23/12/2019 12:56

Why does she have your niece living with her?

Is there some backstory that she is raising her grandchild and feels you should all be contributing to this horse to make up for the shit hand she’s been dealt?

Fundays12 · 23/12/2019 12:58

I am absolutely stunned you ever paid for a horse that’s not yours in the first place. She wanted the horse she pays for it end off. Her dn wants the horse she can also pay for it.

redexpat · 23/12/2019 13:03

I bet your MH will improve when you no longer have contact with her.

BumbleBeee69 · 23/12/2019 13:06

Op you say you are disabled.. ? is this your disability Car she has taken from you ? that you will be in fact paying for ?

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