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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU ILs

209 replies

AIBU2020 · 23/12/2019 10:49

AIBU?

My MIL got a horse at the beginning of the year, she knew none of us where really interested in horses. I can’t ride as I’m disabled and can’t really go up and help muck out either as it makes my illness worse espically in the cold. So I’ve been up there all of 5 times since she got the horse.
She expects us to pay horse insurance for the horse, when she first got him we told her we wouldn’t be paying every month just as and when we could afford it. So far this year we’ve paid over £400 of our own money towards it.
This month understandably we are skint with Christmas. We’ve paid for the whole Christmas dinner for our ILs as we are hosting and along with presents etc we just couldn’t afford the insurance.
She has DN live with her also who works yet doesn’t pay towards living with MIL or towards the horse yet she’s up there most days riding. MIL demanded why we wasn’t paying horse insurance this month the other day in front of our friends who were round for the evening so I didn’t want to go into to much detail about our money. I just said we was behind on the bills and couldn’t afford it this month, to which she said she was struggling to and getting behind on her bills and that she needed the money from us. To which DH said we can’t give you what we don’t have.
Now I’ve noticed she asks us to get her items when we go shopping and then doesn’t pay us back so it’s really starting to add up. I also share my car with her (that I pay for) and she uses it a lot more than I do.
Would I be unreasonable to tell her from January we won’t be paying anymore money towards the horse? My DC don’t like horses so they don’t even benefit from it. Thing is it will cause world war 3 if we say we won’t be paying anymore but surely DN should be paying towards the horse since she’s up there every day? Sad I’m really behind on our bills now, and it makes me sad that MIL expects us to pay this amount every month for her personal hobby because she claims we have more money than her (but of course we do we have DC to pay for which aren’t cheap!)

OP posts:
SmileyGiraffe · 23/12/2019 11:39

I would just say "neigh, neigh and thrice neigh"

fedup21 · 23/12/2019 11:40

Now I’ve noticed she asks us to get her items when we go shopping

Don’t tell her when you’re going shopping either or forget to get what she’s asked!

Does she work? If not, it sounds like she needs to start.

Saddler · 23/12/2019 11:40

What a bizarre situation. If she wants a horse she pays for it

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 23/12/2019 11:40

Honestly @Owlypants you win best comment for this
She has a horse, she can ride it to Tesco Crown Grin

ffswhatnext · 23/12/2019 11:41

Look for alternatives to get you to your appointments and take her off the insurance.
No more money for the horse.
She has a strop, oh well, she will get over it.

If she was a child and had tantrums whenever she didn't get her own way, would you pander to the tantrums? No. So why should this grown-ass woman be allowed to do the same? You tell her no, she has a strop and stops talking to you, and?

Original poster
AIBU2020 · 23/12/2019 11:42

BIL doesn’t near us unfortunately so I can’t ask them for help with lifts. My dh doesn’t currently drive (walks to work so never really needed to) so I guess In the long run of things it would be cheaper to get him to pass his driving test and then ask him to take me.
My DH is getting annoyed with the horse, he has said to his mum on a few occasions now he’s sick about hearing about the horse all the time and has sat down with her before with her finances and worked out she could afford it and then some if she made a few cut backs on random things.
Made me laugh about the Tesco’s comment Grin needed that today so thank you.

OP posts:
scoobydoo1971 · 23/12/2019 11:42

I am in exactly the same position with disability and driving. I can manage local routes but would not drive myself to long distance appointments. I manage by booking the hospital transport in advance of these appointments, and it saves a lot with the battle of parking too. Lots of community transport charities offer a taxi service too. Don't pay for the horse, take her off the insurance saying you have found a much cheaper car insurance without extra drivers, and stop buying her shopping ('forget' to get her stuff, make excuses and then she will stop requests after a while). She is using you for money, and will continue if you let her...say 'no' to the leech.

ChilliMayo · 23/12/2019 11:43

Good lord.
Approach the nearest mirror. Look into it. Slowly lift your fringe.
Have you a tattoo on your forehead? One that reads 'MUG'?
No?
Well then.

ffswhatnext · 23/12/2019 11:43

Oh and this is why hospitals have a transport service. You book in advance with the appointment details. They also drop you home afterwards.
Yes, there's some waiting involved, but it's better than this setup.

Apolloanddaphne · 23/12/2019 11:44

I have no idea why you even paid anything for the horse in the first place given you have little to do with it. Just say no. Her horse so she and DN pay for it. Let WW3 commence.

Time4change2018 · 23/12/2019 11:45

Contact the hospital and ask about ambulance transport or reimbursement for taxi fares to appointments if your income is low, they can help if you have a long term condition. Take away the stress if needing to ask for lifts from mil
However I doubt she'll cut you off when you tell her no for the horse money as she'll want to use your car.

Be strong and clear together, no money at all going forward, not when you can afford it .... if she cuts you off so be it, eventually she and other family members will see she is the common denominator with these fall outs

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/12/2019 11:45

OP, have the number of people who are completely baffled and appalled at what’s been on helped you see it’s batshit crazy and you’re being taken for an absolute mug? Now is the time to say no. No, fuck no, to all of her ridiculous piss taking demands? Every penny you’re giving her is taking away from yourself and your child and life must be enough of a struggle with your poor health, your daughter’s disability and low income.

inwood · 23/12/2019 11:48

I'm very confused as why you would have agreed to it in the first place.

Dutchesss · 23/12/2019 11:52

Do these things actually happen in real life?
Why would you pay for someones else things?

Ellisandra · 23/12/2019 11:54

I am not the person who voted YABU.
But from her point of view, she suggested the horse, you agreed to pay towards it, you’ve been up to it 5x this year. So you’re not keeping up your end of the bargain - albeit a bargain your were crazy to make.

This isn’t about your MH issues though, because it’s your MIL. Tell your husband to go and sort his mum out.

Her using your car - even if more than you - isn’t necessarily unfair if she’s been taking her time to take you to appointments. Depends how frequently that is, and for how long.

Howyiz · 23/12/2019 11:54

Buy her a copy of the Rubber bandits song 'horse outside' for her Christmas present!

Fr0g · 23/12/2019 11:55

driving lessons for husband would be a better investment than subsidising the horse and ints insurance.

How old is the niece(?) who lives with her and rides the horse?
If an adult she should pay for it, plus rent/board so that MIL isn't constantly needing to use your car and expecting you to buy her shopping.
If she is a minor, and daughter of the BIL you mentioned, maybe more reason for MIL to expect contribution from him - but only if she's agreed it before buying the horse.

Many areas have subsidised 'taxi' service for elderly/disabled/hospital visits - my dad used to use one, and a friend volunteered at one. Some are pay by donation, others seem to have a set low rate based on what they imburse volunteer drivers. Is there anything like this near you?

If you do continue to let her use the car, just ask her to pick up stuff for you while she is out shopping. If she is outrageous enough to request you reimburse her for the shopping, tell her you'll set it off against the cost of petrol.

Ellisandra · 23/12/2019 11:56

I’m baffled by it being a horse.
I’m probably just falling for a stereotype that only the wealthy have horses (and tbf, after they get the horse it’s unlikely they’ll stay wealthy Grin). But in my world, this would be a gripe over the use of a caravan share in Skeg. Not a bloody HORSE!

NorthernLightsInWinter · 23/12/2019 11:58

"Guess you'll need to sell your horse, then."

Every time she says she can't afford to pay his bills. Every. Time.

Give her nothing towards it. Her horse, her problem.

Boulshired · 23/12/2019 11:58

When people threaten that if they don’t get their own way they will cut you off it’s best to accept the reality as there will always be a hoop for you to jump through, until the inevitable cutting off.

averythinline · 23/12/2019 11:59

the word you are looking for is 'no'

in fact your best bet is probably just to say 'no' to anything she asks in teh first instance.....
then if you change your mind you can say 'yes'/maybe after

so she says I want you to pay for my horse -
you say 'no'

if she asks for any money - no DH is learning to drive need all our money for that- much better if he can drive please stand up for yourself

katy1213 · 23/12/2019 12:00

Well, your brother-in-law had the right idea, didn't he?
And if she cuts you off, she won't be using your car, so that solves that, too.
Stop being a doormat!

fedup21 · 23/12/2019 12:01

"Guess you'll need to sell your horse, then."Every time she says she can't afford to pay his bills.Every.Time.

This.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 23/12/2019 12:02

The wholw idea is mad you should never hve paid any money at all. Not your problem

Saharafordessert · 23/12/2019 12:02

Honestly....just say NO!
Yes, there will be some sort of fallout but better that than financial problems because you can’t stand up for yourself.