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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU ILs

209 replies

AIBU2020 · 23/12/2019 10:49

AIBU?

My MIL got a horse at the beginning of the year, she knew none of us where really interested in horses. I can’t ride as I’m disabled and can’t really go up and help muck out either as it makes my illness worse espically in the cold. So I’ve been up there all of 5 times since she got the horse.
She expects us to pay horse insurance for the horse, when she first got him we told her we wouldn’t be paying every month just as and when we could afford it. So far this year we’ve paid over £400 of our own money towards it.
This month understandably we are skint with Christmas. We’ve paid for the whole Christmas dinner for our ILs as we are hosting and along with presents etc we just couldn’t afford the insurance.
She has DN live with her also who works yet doesn’t pay towards living with MIL or towards the horse yet she’s up there most days riding. MIL demanded why we wasn’t paying horse insurance this month the other day in front of our friends who were round for the evening so I didn’t want to go into to much detail about our money. I just said we was behind on the bills and couldn’t afford it this month, to which she said she was struggling to and getting behind on her bills and that she needed the money from us. To which DH said we can’t give you what we don’t have.
Now I’ve noticed she asks us to get her items when we go shopping and then doesn’t pay us back so it’s really starting to add up. I also share my car with her (that I pay for) and she uses it a lot more than I do.
Would I be unreasonable to tell her from January we won’t be paying anymore money towards the horse? My DC don’t like horses so they don’t even benefit from it. Thing is it will cause world war 3 if we say we won’t be paying anymore but surely DN should be paying towards the horse since she’s up there every day? Sad I’m really behind on our bills now, and it makes me sad that MIL expects us to pay this amount every month for her personal hobby because she claims we have more money than her (but of course we do we have DC to pay for which aren’t cheap!)

OP posts:
ScatteredMama82 · 23/12/2019 13:11

I'm sorry but this is completely bonkers and largely of your own doing! Why on earth are you letting these people walk all over you? Stop paying, get your car back and leave it at that.

Original poster
AIBU2020 · 23/12/2019 13:17

No I don’t have a disability car. I brought one myself out of my own pocket, just an old banger but it gets me A to B and don’t have to worry about PIP taking it off me.
My DH is going round later to speak to her, i had a wobble and he’s just seen how it’s effecting me and going to tell her we will pay for January but then she needs to sort out with DN about payments for the horse etc following that. Thank you all for your advice. Flowers

OP posts:
Youseethethingis · 23/12/2019 13:18

OP. Reading your posts just made my head explode 🤯 What the fuck.
Let WW3 happen. What’s she going to do about it? Cut contact? Good. She’s a bloody parasite anyway.

leckford · 23/12/2019 13:18

I think you and family need to move if you can, well away from the disfunctional family. Nearer a hospital. Don’t pay a penny more to her for anything. I feel sorry for the poor horse she will be lucky to get her money back as they are usually difficult to sell especially in the winter.

CSIblonde · 23/12/2019 13:21

It's not your job to finance her hobby & buy her food. Pretend her you are only online food shopping now & your orders done if she asks . And knock the doling out money for the horse on the head. She's parasiting off you.

Aebj · 23/12/2019 13:30

Don’t pay for January. She needs to pay

Jux · 23/12/2019 13:31

Move. Get yourselves to a place where you can get to where you need to be without this fuss.

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 23/12/2019 13:31

YANBU at all but I think your MIL is on here as 1% voted YABU Grin

averythinline · 23/12/2019 13:33

why are you paying for HER HORSE in January? what he needs to say to her is NO

Talkingmouse · 23/12/2019 13:38

‘Just paying for January...’

No.

You both need to be far more assertive. Ensure you or your kids never use the horse. No paying for horse, from NOW. No shopping. Take her off the insurance. Practice saying no, with a smile, but with no long explanations, reasons, or maybes. Just no.

There must be an alternative way to get to your appt eg. a bus or train close then short taxi.

iswhois · 23/12/2019 13:42

This is mad and I would be happy for WW3 to ensue so that you no longer have to have anything to do with her.

She is bullying and taking advantage of you.

12elve · 23/12/2019 13:52

So essentially your DH would rather give money to his mother than to his own wife and children. Does he normally treat you so poorly?

PrettyPurse · 23/12/2019 13:54

I really can not believe that you are actually paying for someone elses animal that you don't even get the use of!!

Are you and DH that much of a doormat that you would use money that could go towards your disabled child to fund someone else's life choice!!

And as for being lonely if she fell out with you.... well.... I'd rather loneliness then having to pay for friendship

YouretheChristmasCarcass · 23/12/2019 13:56

Look at it this way; you can have a week or a month of WW3 or you can have a lifetime of horse-extortion. I know which I'd choose.

She's not going to permanently refuse to take you to appointments, she has too much to lose (access to a 'free' car).

Cherrysoup · 23/12/2019 14:06

If we don’t pay she gets into a mood, one point I was planning to take DC out for a day out and only had limited funds on the same day the horse insurance was due, she had a go at DH on the phone so he sent it over to her to stop her having a go and as a result my children missed out.

Read this back to yourself every time she whinges about the horse. Your children miss out because of her selfish shitty behaviour. She benefits from using the car. You don’t benefit from using the horse which is the only reason you would ever pay towards it. It’s batshit! If I couldn’t afford my horse, I would sell or re-home him. It is a luxury, like any hobby, an expensive one at that. If he needs an emergency call out, is that your problem too? Mine was over £300 when he colicked this month.

Don’t pay for January, it’s the worst, longest month.

BarbedBloom · 23/12/2019 14:09

This is bonkers. Why the hell would you pay for January?!?

BumbleBeee69 · 23/12/2019 14:13

Can someone please explain to me... cause I think I missed it the part where OP explained WHY they pay for this randoms horse ??????

ffswhatnext · 23/12/2019 14:17

Why the hell are you still going to pay for January?
This sends her mixed messages.
You are either paying or aren't.

Instead of suggesting paying in January, here's a novel idea. Nope, the niece can pay. Nope not paying. Nope not my problem. Nope the niece can pay.

This leech has stopped your children from having fun. So much for a loving grandparent who would be fucking ashamed of themselves.

Supposed to take you to the hospital, but her own plans take priority.

Fuck that bollocks.

Think of all the money you will save when you put a stop to funding her lifestyle when she has a strop and stops talking to you.

Sushiroller · 23/12/2019 14:18

No no no....
Do not pay for Jan

This is insane... She bought a horse she needs to pay for it or sell it...

ffswhatnext · 23/12/2019 14:18

@BumbleBeee69

Because the mil is a selfish, childish person who would have a strop and stop talking to them.

I don't understand it either. The attitude is more than enough to tell her to jog on.

Lunde · 23/12/2019 14:19

Why are you funding MIL's and DN's lifestyle? They are really taking the piss. If MIL and DN want the horse then they need to work out how to pay for it or sell it:

  • DO NOT pay anymore towards the horse
  • if you cannot drive at the moment - cancel the car insurance and sell the car. You will also save on MOTs and repairs etc - you do not owe MIL a car
  • then you have money for taxis to appointments for quite a while
SummerOfComedy · 23/12/2019 14:27

If you are receiving free tax on your (purchased) car because you are in receipt of PIP, not even the full amount, but the lower component, then it is against the rules for anyone to be driving your car without you in it.

I may be wrong. It could be that each council has their own rules about that.

If this is true, maybe that could give you an excuse to stop MIL using your car?

diddl · 23/12/2019 14:40

So you have a car but you can't drive far, a husband who can't drive although it would be very useful & you are paying out money for someone else's horse?

Honest to goodness, that must be one of the craziest things that I have ever read.

Spitsandspots · 23/12/2019 14:40

She cut off BIL as he didn’t give her money towards the horse last Christmas

Sounds like a brilliant plan. Let her do this -problem solved.
Take her off the insurance and get DH to learn to drive.

diddl · 23/12/2019 14:48

"She cut off BIL as he didn’t give her money towards the horse last Christmas"

Sounds like a win win to me.

Why would you care?

What hold does she have that literally makes you pay for her to stay in your lives?