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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU ILs

209 replies

AIBU2020 · 23/12/2019 10:49

AIBU?

My MIL got a horse at the beginning of the year, she knew none of us where really interested in horses. I can’t ride as I’m disabled and can’t really go up and help muck out either as it makes my illness worse espically in the cold. So I’ve been up there all of 5 times since she got the horse.
She expects us to pay horse insurance for the horse, when she first got him we told her we wouldn’t be paying every month just as and when we could afford it. So far this year we’ve paid over £400 of our own money towards it.
This month understandably we are skint with Christmas. We’ve paid for the whole Christmas dinner for our ILs as we are hosting and along with presents etc we just couldn’t afford the insurance.
She has DN live with her also who works yet doesn’t pay towards living with MIL or towards the horse yet she’s up there most days riding. MIL demanded why we wasn’t paying horse insurance this month the other day in front of our friends who were round for the evening so I didn’t want to go into to much detail about our money. I just said we was behind on the bills and couldn’t afford it this month, to which she said she was struggling to and getting behind on her bills and that she needed the money from us. To which DH said we can’t give you what we don’t have.
Now I’ve noticed she asks us to get her items when we go shopping and then doesn’t pay us back so it’s really starting to add up. I also share my car with her (that I pay for) and she uses it a lot more than I do.
Would I be unreasonable to tell her from January we won’t be paying anymore money towards the horse? My DC don’t like horses so they don’t even benefit from it. Thing is it will cause world war 3 if we say we won’t be paying anymore but surely DN should be paying towards the horse since she’s up there every day? Sad I’m really behind on our bills now, and it makes me sad that MIL expects us to pay this amount every month for her personal hobby because she claims we have more money than her (but of course we do we have DC to pay for which aren’t cheap!)

OP posts:
Rosspoldarkssaddle · 23/12/2019 21:43

You and your husband need to stand firm. Your money should be spent on you and your children NOT her fecking horse. Let her throw one because that is how she has managed to get what she wants so far. Why are your niece's parents not covering her hobby? Why is your niece not paying her way?
She is not entitled to expect you and your dh to share your hard earned money with her. She is not entitled to expect you to pay for her hobby. She is not entitled to assume paying for her shopping and her use of your car is ok with you.
It is time to make a stand.
She puts her horse before her grandchildren.
Think about that every time she throws one.

BumbleBeee69 · 23/12/2019 22:15

S'okay, ask Op to help out...

hahahaaaaaaaa Xmas Grin Xmas Grin Xmas Grin

TheReef · 23/12/2019 22:20

Take her off the car insurance, £400 a month will pay for a lot of taxis.

mediumbrownmug · 23/12/2019 22:23

Your DH put his mother’s horse, that he doesn’t even ride, before his children? Just to stop her sulking? Hmm I think it’s time to cut off the payments, remove her from your car insurance, cut off car use, and make other arrangements for getting to your appointments, as you haven’t been seen for six months anyway. Good luck, OP.

Gazelda · 23/12/2019 22:40

Do not pay in January.
Do not tell her to get niece to pay, let them make their own arrangements.
Look into alternative transport for your (rare) hospital visits.

Surely you can see that none of this makes sense?

You have a car and pay for her to be insured on it, but she hasn't taken you to two recent hospital appointments.

You are paying costs towards a horse you have no interest in.

Your DC are missing out on activities because your DH gave money to his mother for her horse.

It's time to reset your priorities. Set a proper budget with your DH starting 1 Jan, and then tell her that you're NY resolution is to get on top of your finances and you will no longer be paying for the horse or her insurance on your car.

What's the worst that can happen?

Don't let her bully you any longer.

PepsiLola · 23/12/2019 22:49

Why the hell would you pay January!?

TheReef · 23/12/2019 23:02

Why the hell would you pay January!?

This!

NoSauce · 23/12/2019 23:21

I think there’s big chunks of information missing.

StoppinBy · 23/12/2019 23:40

I understand why you are offering to pay in January, if that will take your stress away and get rid of this mess it's a small price to pay in the long run isn't it.

Good Luck, I hope it goes ok.

Celticrose · 24/12/2019 00:00

Please check if there is volunteer service who take people to hospital appointments. My mum has on a couple of occasions used a service when I was unable to take her. She lives approx 50 miles from one hospital that she attends. She gave them £20. Try your GP surgery for a start or the hospital itself.

Mamawingingit1234 · 24/12/2019 00:18

What did your MIL say when DH went over for a talk?

Patsypie · 24/12/2019 00:21

This is demented! Her horse, her fucking bills! Her niece rides the horse and lives with her yet pays fuck all?! Mind-blowing cf-ery.

TiggerOfThigh · 24/12/2019 02:58

@SummerOfComedy I know this is a digression, but I didn’t know that about PIP, so, thank you!!

SummerOfComedy · 24/12/2019 08:48

@TiggerOfThigh.

I'm so sorry I think I've made a mistake!

I've just checked and you have to be in receipt of the higher rate of the mobility component of DLA or the enhanced rate of the mobility component of PIP, in order to claim free tax on your own car.

Hope this still helps you!

🙂

Jux · 24/12/2019 10:30

If you don't pay for the horse you neither want nor need, then you could afford driving lessons for dh which you may not want but definitely need.

loutypips · 24/12/2019 10:36

How much do you 'have' to pay for insurance? Charge her the same amount for use of your car...

PrettyPurse · 29/12/2019 09:14

@AIBU2020 did the payments get sorted?

Snugglemonster84 · 29/12/2019 09:24

This is so strange!

  1. I can't believe she would ask you to contribute to something that she's bought and has nothing to do with you
  2. I can't believe you and your partner agreed to pay anything in the first place!

Tell her straight it's her horse, you want nothing to do with it and won't be paying anything.

Original poster
AIBU2020 · 30/12/2019 09:13

Thought I’d update the post.
ILs are no longer talking to me, she took MY car again and she kept it since Xmas eve so I had a quiet word with SIL and somehow it got back to MIL all twisted because of my DN. Was round for dinner and she basically kicked me out of her house in front of the other ILs, my kids and DH and I’ve not seen or heard from them since. So I guess I’m the bad person after everything I’ve done for them. 🤷🏻‍♀️ But it does mean I don’t have to share my car or give out money constantly... so I guess it’s a win? I’ve taken her off the car insurance this morning just means I have no family, nobody apart from my DH and DC now.

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 30/12/2019 09:40

I hope dh left with you and you both took the dc home?

Original poster
AIBU2020 · 30/12/2019 09:47

No everyone was about to sit down for dinner so he stayed with the kids for dinner and left straight after. My kids wouldn’t of understood leaving like that when they knew dinner was about to be ready. However he did have a go at MIL and told her she was extremely rude and could of just spoken to me and asked what was said rather than believing DN as she wasn’t even there when I spoke to SIL. I don’t know what else was said but they’ve not said anything since so I’m assuming they’re expecting me to go apologise. (Which isn’t going to happen.. as I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong.)

OP posts:
Gruesome2some · 30/12/2019 09:55

Well I hope you're not paying for January now!

Original poster
AIBU2020 · 30/12/2019 10:00

No chance of paying for January. She’ll need to sort it out with N.
Anyway it’s given me a kick up the arse, I’m going to go meet new people round here and see if I can make some friends. So there’s a silver lining. Grin

OP posts:
Umberta · 30/12/2019 10:06

Hurray! 🥳

Buddycav · 30/12/2019 10:13

I cannot believe your husband stayed and had lunch without you, (kids or no kids). I only have myself and my children since my husband died, no other family and moved last year, it was the best thing I did. You must look forward and forget all the drama. Also you need to have a serious discussion with your husband about supporting you. Please do not let him give her any more money you need it for your family. Good luck and be nice to yourself.