AIBU - Got Christmas shopping rage again

[BahHumbugAnus]

Every freaking year I get the rage when I have to go Christmas shopping. Today was the first day I have attempted it for this year.

I like shopping. I like shopping for my DC and people I think are deserving of a treat. It's the others where I get the absolute F'ing rage.

On the list is my Dad's GF. She has never bought my DC a gift, but I am expected to buy her one because my dad is fully emerged in her family and they buy him. Apparently she likes perfume. So that was £50.

SIL buys my DC so we have to buy her. She always gives us a list of options. She wants a set from JL beauty counter. Another £50.

I've been trying to tone down another gift but it is not working. I just had the conversation again where I said please don't buy my DC gifts, they don't need anything. Just a whopper of a selection box if you must. No, her DC loves receiving presents and looks forward to them. That is another £40 as she told me what to buy her DC.

Nieces and nephews are now having babies and I've another 4 DC to buy for. I don't mind this so much.

So, I've spent all day shopping for the above. I didn't get my DC anything as I was too busy looking for all the above. I didn't buy myself anything as I can't afford it. I never get to treat myself with perfume, JL beauty counter stuff or any luxuries, nor will I receive any at Christmas.

I know I am being a massive humbug. I've had a crap year and I have a lot of things on my plate at the moment. I have just had enough of this bullshit every year. It's never ending. I've toned Christmas down loads but am still buying massive bloody presents for about 5 people and am sick of it. On the other hand there are a few people I am really grateful to and take massive enjoyment in baking for them, wrapping up really nice, selecting a nice wine and card.

[CustomerCervixDepartment]

Stop the obsessing over imminent landfill, all these people who are nothing to you and treat you like shit, and you’re pandering to them, offering up stuff that’ll be clogging up landfill dumps within weeks, it’s simple-stop it.

[PerkyPomPoms]

So they have a shit Xmas - so what? So are you thanks to them. Do unto others as they are dealing unto you

[Drum2018]

Only ready the op - YABU to get involved in gift buying with these people at all. The world won't end if you don't buy any of them a gift.

[TheHootiestOwl]

You don’t have to do this. You’re choosing to pander to it.

Why do you care how upset they get when they don’t care about not getting you anything? Do they care if you’re upset? No.

[Sewrainbow]

I dont spend £50 on anyone but my mum...

Your dad can swivel, if he's embarrassed that's his problem. Surely he should be buying for all her family himself if he wants to "repay them".

Your sil is a cf if she thinks she can ask for an expensive gift and give tat in return!

You know you don't HAVE to give people what they ask for right? Keep what you've bought for yourself or else take it back and exchange for cheaper stuff and treat yourself and the kids.

[MamaWeasel]

You poor sod OP, you have backed yourself mentally into a corner.

You are the only one who can make this stop ☺

[Courtney555]

People are missing that OP doesn't get anything, because her DC receive it instead. That's what happens when have children, people stop buying for you (except parents perhaps, or you might get a little token box of chocs) and proper the gifts transfer to your DC.

Her SIL splits £50 on presents for OP's DC. So OP feels obliged to spend £50 back, but SIL doesn't have DC so the gift goes to her. The fact OP then complains that she doesn't get her own gift is a bit . The fact that SIL tells OP what she'd like (I imagine she does when they're both spending £50, so OP doesn't waste a whole £50 on something unwanted) but OP presumably doesn't say what get DC want, because she complains that no thought is put into their presents, is a bit as well.

The situation is identical with the friend. OP's DC receive £40 of gifts. So OP reciprocates.

The only questionable scenario which OP has been questioned on but not responded, is that of the dad's GF. Who the dad wants £50 of perfume for from OP so his family doesn't look cheap in comparison to her family. We don't know if the dad then gets OP's DC £50 of gifts in return. It would be very unusual to request something of that value for his GF and then gift zero to her DC.

I was outraged at OP'S initial post, but she's worded it quite misleadingly. When actually you get down to it, she's annoyed at the value she has to spend, but this is what is spent on her DC so it's not actually unreasonable for her to reciprocate this. She's annoyed that she doesn't get anything, well sorry, but your DC get the gifts now, that's standard. She's annoyed that no-one puts any effort into her DC presents, but doesn't tell people what they want, and gets annoyed that the people she buys for (who tell her exactly what they want) get a really appreciated gift.

We don't know how many DC she has. If say, 3, and SIL gets them a £15-16 present each, then OP needs to put a stop to that if she's got such a problem reciprocating the same amount. I think OP would be fine with reciprocating 3 childrens presents totalling £45-50. She's got the hump because it's actually reciprocated as one £50 adult present, and she doesn't get anything like that. Well no, you don't, that's what happens when you have children.

[frazzledasarock]

I don’t understand this.

You OP get nothing in return?
Your children get nothing in return?
Your DH gets nothing in return?

Yet you feel you compelled to buy these people very expensive gifts, because they will look ‘pissed off’.

Okey dokey, I’d like a new bottle of black orchid parfum, mines almost finished. A decent sized bottle please. Otherwise I’ll stand about looking pissed off 🙄

I mean seriously, you can’t afford to buy yourself anything of that price range, yet you race around pandering to people who don’t care about you, and do not buy you or your family anything in return. And so the fuck what if your dad feels embarrassed, tell him to buy his wife whatever she fancies and put your name on it, if he wants to keep up appearances, you can’t afford it.

Return those presents, you crazy woman. Buy for your immediate family and learn to care less about pissed off expressions. If people wail they don’t have a large immediate family to gift them expensive things, tell them you’ve not received an equitable gift from them in ever and the gravy train has stopped.

Seriously. You’re doing it to yourself.

[Hyggemama]

You dont "have to" do anything. Why not make a tenner charity donation for anyone you don't actually want to give to? That way the charities get money PLUS recipents will look completely self absorbed if they complain

[Tensixtysix]

Some families do go over the top with presents. Up until my mid 20s, my own family only had one or two presents each, not even that big.
Then I met DH and went to his house...
OMG! They were crazy on presents, tons of them, not high value, but lots of 'tat'. And then the Xmas tree had 'presents'
And it didn't finish there, on boxing day, when other relatives visitied...more presents!
Now we are in our 50s and our parents (that are left) are in their 70s/80s, we hardly buy anything for each other at all.
Our own DDs only want money not 'tat'.
But, DH's niece, really feels it, she grew up with gazzilions of presents and feels depressed each year that she gets less.
Errr! That's what happens when you over indulge.
Disappointment in future Xmases.

[Havaina]

@Courtney555

People are missing that OP doesn't get anything, because her DC receive it instead. That's what happens when have children,

SIL buys my DC so we have to buy her. She always gives us a list of options. She wants a set from JL beauty counter. Another £50.

I've been trying to tone down another gift but it is not working. I just had the conversation again where I said please don't buy my DC gifts, they don't need anything. Just a whopper of a selection box if you must. No, her DC loves receiving presents and looks forward to them. That is another £40 as she told me what to buy her DC.

So SIL wants £50 present, plus £40 presents for DC. But OP gets nothing.

[Courtney555]

You OP get nothing in return?
Your children get nothing in return?

No. That's how it reads at first and why everyone initially was outraged on OP's behalf.

Her children get exactly what she's spending on the others. Her SIL spends £50 split on the DC. OP is miffed that the SIL gets her own gift of the same value in response. It's not the SIL fault that she's not reproduced so the gift therefore goes directly to her.

[SlothMama]

Stop buying gifts for these people then, or just buy them a cheaper, smaller gift. Learn to say no OP.

[DryHeaving]

I'd be a bit freaked out if someone I didn't know got me an expensive perfume every year for Christmas
Your dad could be pretending it's from him if you've never received anything back, not even a thank you

[Courtney555]

@Havaina

Gaaaaargh!!!! No that's not right. I wish people would rtft.

That's how misleading the OP is, as I keep saying. If you look through the thread, OP then drip feeds that those two paragraphs are about separate people. The first is about her SIL who spends £50 on her DC. The second it turns out, is about an unrelated friend, who buys OP's DC £40 of presents, so OP reciprocates. She's just worded her OP so badly, it looks like she, and her DC are getting zero. She's getting back exactly what she spends, just direct to her DC, then complaining about it. The only exception might be the DF and GF, as she's been questioned several times if they buy for her DC and she's not answered that.

[Linguaphile]

This gives me the rage as well. I’d be brutal and cut everyone down to a 10 pound limit. No point in going broke buying pointless gifts for people you don’t like. If they complain, just say you don’t even buy presents that nice for your own kids and that you’re sorry your gifts have not met expectations s but you have a budget. Greedy gits.

[Linguaphile]

Regardless of whether OP gets gifts from others, there has to be a point where she comes clean with them and days she would rather not do a gift exchange if they can’t afford it. I have a SIL like this who spends money every year buying stuff for us that we don’t request, want, or need and then gets in a huff if we don’t spend as much on her and her kids. Sends unsolicited lists and everything. She doesn’t want to do a secret Santa as she feels her kids will be shortchanged. Feels a bit like blackmail.

[MzHz]

That second para was about a friend, not SIL

@BahHumbugAnus love, get your coat on and get yourself back into town and take those gifts back

Get a tin of chocs for your dad and his gf, get nothing for SIL, tell her you’re getting her the same as she gets you, and get a couple of token gifts from the kids. Spend only in proportion to what she gets your kids.

Friend? Get her dd an appropriate gift (mini drum kit?) and again, you’re getting the same for her as she gets for you, get token gifts from the kids to her. Nothing more.

Please make sure that you give yourself the gift of freedom from this nonsense

The world won’t end, they’ve all got this coming. If they kick up say that not once in all this time has anyone thought of you in all this, the gifts they’re demanding are extravagant and not within the budget even for spoiling yourself, let alone those who have not even considered you in any of this crap.

Draw back love, stand up and refuse to be bullied for things At a level you can’t afford and ultimately don’t want to give

[CautiousPractice]

My DPs family are pricey present demanders, Usually costly jewellry, concert tickets, etc. Thats 5 adults all demanding we spend upwards of 50 quid on them at birthdays and christmas. My own family are very easy to please, and usually adults ask for things they need like new wine glasses, or a new iron (a £10 one not one that costs the earth), so DPs and I's first christmas together, I did my family and stuck his name on the tag, and while I advised on some purchases (colours and things), I left him to it. His bill for 3 less people was more than double mine. They were also super ungrateful about accepting the presents (The fabric is horrid, I didnt want this one), which made me angry, and he got a primark tshirt and a keyring in return as a joint gift from 5 adults, nothing for me.
Last year, we were more firm on budgets for each person, because his family had grown, and we were wanting to set the tone for future Christmases. So we bought things we thought they'd like that were similar to what they asked for, or bought second hand from ebay (jewellry), and STILL it wasn't good enough, and again he got 1 joint cheap gift, and i got a pair of cheap pajamas, in the wrong size, covered in glitter that went EVERYWHERE. After that we decided that we are not doing individual gifts. We have put together a family night in a box - a movie, a board game, hot chocolate, snacks, popcorn, biscuits. Its cost us about 40 quid to do for 5 adults and 2 kids. If they turn their nose up they get nothing next year. We liked what we have done so much, we have done one for my sister and her family, and a more upscale one for my parents. We started buying bits and pieces in September, shopped around for deals, and will be done on all gifts for both families by the end of November, so I will only have him to buy for.

[altiara]

Just buy people a tin of biscuits if you can’t afford a lot. Or Maltesers. Stick to consumables! For your dads GF, you could buy a bottle of prosecco and then done little gifts from the kids- toiletries/xmas socks etc. Total £15 and she has lots of little things and booze.

[StormTreader]

You're buying expensive gifts but getting nothing back?
When you ask them for the equally expensive thing you want and they brush you off, what excuse do they give you? Use it on them.

Either everyone gets equally expensive gifts or no-one does.

[Whattodoabout]

Don’t do it then, they aren’t holding you at gunpoint.

[Confusedbeetle]

It only takes one person too break this cycle. Announce to all that all presents will be limited to £15 and only buy for the children. R=There will be one year of flurry and then its job done. On a smaller scale ite the ssame with christmas cards. No one wants too start it but are happy to follow suite. This year its trendy to play the environmental card

[Courtney555]

But OP isn't receiving nothing. She spends £50 on SIL, £40 on her friends DC, and gets £90 of presents for her DC back in return. She is spending in proportion to what is received. She just has the hump because she doesn't get her own gift. Which is ridiculous, she gets it in the form of DC gifts. SIL who doesn't have DC gets the full amount directly on her, and OP is resentful of that. Sorry but tough! It's not SIL fault.

So, OP needs to decide if she wants her DC to go without £50 of gifts between them from SIL, because she gets the arse that SIL (quite rightly) gets a single £50 present in return. No one is being done over here.

With the friend, she says she just wants to swap selection boxes for all their DC, but the friend wants to spend more. Rather than be direct and say she can't afford it, OP just goes along with having to spend £40 on them, as her DC will receive £40, then fumes about it. It just requires a very clear, "We're cutting back this year, the DC would love to exchange selection boxes, or a DC secret Santa for £5 each, but unfortunately, nothing of a greater value. Please let us know which of these you'd prefer"

[Courtney555]

You're buying expensive gifts but getting nothing back?

No. Not at all.

OP's DC receive the same value of gifts back. OP drip feeds this halfway through the thread. The OP is just worded really badly so everyone thought OP was dishing all this out and getting nothing back.

Her DC get back exactly what she's spending, definitely in the case of the £50 from SIL and the £40 from the unrelated friend.

We're still unclear what the DC get from the Dad and GF, but you can pretty much guarantee they get something decent, which is why he feels comfortable to ask for £50 perfume for his partner (and presumably something for himself as well).

OP is being verrrrrrry misleading here.