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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Got Christmas shopping rage again

213 replies

BahHumbugAnus · 15/11/2019 17:45

Every freaking year I get the rage when I have to go Christmas shopping. Today was the first day I have attempted it for this year.

I like shopping. I like shopping for my DC and people I think are deserving of a treat. It's the others where I get the absolute F'ing rage.

On the list is my Dad's GF. She has never bought my DC a gift, but I am expected to buy her one because my dad is fully emerged in her family and they buy him. Apparently she likes perfume. So that was £50.

SIL buys my DC so we have to buy her. She always gives us a list of options. She wants a set from JL beauty counter. Another £50.

I've been trying to tone down another gift but it is not working. I just had the conversation again where I said please don't buy my DC gifts, they don't need anything. Just a whopper of a selection box if you must. No, her DC loves receiving presents and looks forward to them. That is another £40 as she told me what to buy her DC.

Nieces and nephews are now having babies and I've another 4 DC to buy for. I don't mind this so much.

So, I've spent all day shopping for the above. I didn't get my DC anything as I was too busy looking for all the above. I didn't buy myself anything as I can't afford it. I never get to treat myself with perfume, JL beauty counter stuff or any luxuries, nor will I receive any at Christmas.

I know I am being a massive humbug. I've had a crap year and I have a lot of things on my plate at the moment. I have just had enough of this bullshit every year. It's never ending. I've toned Christmas down loads but am still buying massive bloody presents for about 5 people and am sick of it. On the other hand there are a few people I am really grateful to and take massive enjoyment in baking for them, wrapping up really nice, selecting a nice wine and card.

OP posts:
OMGshefoundmeout · 16/11/2019 12:38

We see these threads every year and they give me the rage. Why can’t people just say no. This culture of giving to all and sundry has become a totally meanspiritid and mercenary commercial process.

I had a falling out with DS a few years ago when she sent me an (unsolicited) list of expensive gifts her son would like. I told her they were out of our price range and she got snotty saying’ oh, I didn’t realise money was tight’ to which I replied ‘it isn’t particularly tight, but these are way outside our budget’. I sent her son what I thought was a nice gift branded with a tv character he liked and she returned it and didn’t speak to me for a couple of years. It was lovely. Very peaceful.

Now we only do presents for our own DC, young relatives still in ft education and our mums. We don’t buy for friends or siblings or cousins and they don’t buy for us. The money we would once have wasted goes on nice meals and throwing parties so we all get to meet up and have fun. We’ve even abandoned a couple of Secret Santa groups and just have the party instead of the present swapping. It’s great.

BlackCatSleeping · 16/11/2019 12:42

You’re bonkers, OP!!

Why on earth are you doing this?

Take the perfume and other stuff back and use the money to buy yourself something nice. Wrap it up and put it under the tree. Wish yourself a Happy Christmas.

ffswhatnext · 16/11/2019 13:07

And if you really have to buy your dads gf some perfume.
I suggest 99p shop.
They also sell makeup.

Go wild and spend £4.
That leaves £96 to treat yourself and the gf and sil have a couple of gifts.

Notthetoothfairy · 16/11/2019 13:30

A good present is silver jewellery from Amazon (loads of choice, it’s often real silver and gift boxed for under £10 and almost always looks a LOT more expensive than it is). However, I don’t understand why you would buy for people who don’t reciprocate, that’s just madness!

Another vote for taking back the perfume etc.

FadingStar · 16/11/2019 13:40

OMG that is ludicrous. How grabby is that?

Original poster
BahHumbugAnus · 16/11/2019 14:34

Tickle me, sorry I wasn't clear. The first paragraph is about my SIL. The second is about a family friend. SIL has no DC. She buys for my DC and we buy her a present in return.

OP posts:
wildhairdontcare · 16/11/2019 14:39

@BahHumbugAnus your sil is a grown up with disposable income. Like I said buying for her niece/nephew should be a joy not 'I spend £25 on each of your DC's so I want £50 beauty gift' Hmm

honeygirlz · 16/11/2019 14:45

Me - I get F'all off anyone. Not even a box of Aldi cheapo chocs.

So if you’re not getting anything anyway, what is the fallout going to be?

Just plead poverty and say you’re only doing presents for your DC.

Original poster
BahHumbugAnus · 16/11/2019 14:49

Funny thing is that I look a total mug on here but in real life people think I am well on the ball. I just feel trapped by this nonsense every Christmas. The people in my family and also my DH's family are just so childish it is untrue. I've bought really nice token gifts for people in the past and they open them and just look pissed off. If they don't get something luxurious and personal they take it as an insult. Non of them have ever put a seconds thought into anything they buy my DC or a seconds thought into buying DH or I a present.

OP posts:
honeygirlz · 16/11/2019 14:52

Funny thing is that I look a total mug on here but in real life people think I am well on the ball

Not sure what this means?

Look neither you or your DC are benefitting from this arrangement so it’s time to stop it.

This is the year to start being brave! Let us help you draft the text, you send it to them and then go and do something else to take your mind of it.

Toomboom · 16/11/2019 15:02

You need to learn to say no! Tell everyone that this is the last year that you will be buying gifts and stick to it!. That gives them plenty of time to process this. It is ridiculous to be buying for everyone.
If they buy for you, that is their choice, don't be manipulated into buying for them.

Years ago my siblings and myself made a pact that we would no longer buy for each other. The same with friends. I said I will no longer be buying presents, which was fine with everyone.
I now only buy for my child still at home and my parents. That is it. Far much easier for all involved.

JoyceJeffries · 16/11/2019 15:02

Just grit your teeth and ignore them - the reason they have their tantrums is because they know you’ll cave. They put no thought into getting you something so make sure you do the same.

milveycrohn · 16/11/2019 15:05

The problem with Christmas is that everyone buys expensive gifts for people they dont really like, and receive gifts they dont want in return.
It is a massive and pointless spend. So much better to just buy something nice for oneself.
That said, of course I buy for young relatives, and especially if the parents do not have a lot of money, but would expect to spend around £10-£15.

Courtney555 · 16/11/2019 15:06

Ok. Trying to summize...

Dad's GF needs a £50 bottle of perfume because her offspring splash out on her, and he wants you to do the same so he isn't embarrassed that his offspring look cheap in comparison.

SIL has no DC, but buys gifts for your DC, totalling around £50. Thereby you feel obliged to return a gift for around £50, but it's direct to her as she has no DC.

These people provide you with lists so you get them exactly what they ask for.

You provide no list and say no thought is put into what your DC would like.

A separate friend buys your DC gifts of around £40 despite you saying please just get selection boxes if you must get something. You then feel obliged to reciprocate with £40 on her DC.

Is that about the size of it, because that reads rather differently to how you come across in your OP

woogal · 16/11/2019 15:16

Tell them you buy for kids only.

Buy for your parents.

Loopytiles · 16/11/2019 15:19

This needn’t be hard: return the gifts, and work on your assertiveness!

Loopytiles · 16/11/2019 15:19

If people get pissed off, so be it!

YouTheCat · 16/11/2019 15:22

Op, just stop. Sod that they'll be disappointed. They don't give a crap about you. Buy for the important people in your life and get the rest a communal box of biscuits/chocolates. If they don't like it then it doesn't matter - they don't matter. They sound vile.

Take back what you've already bought for the ungrateful twats and spend that money on something nice for you.

RightYesButNo · 16/11/2019 15:24

OP, you seem like you came here to rant and you think this can’t change... but it can. You sound like you’re in the FOG. I don’t know which part it is (fear-obligation-guilt), but you DON’T have to play this shite game where no matter what you do, you lose. Let them cry. Let them tantrum. Let them be pathetic. I would have never given them a single thing again after they were all such disgustingly ungrateful douchecanoes about your baking. So. Solutions. Hell, send a text saying, “This year, I will no longer be buying for adults who do not participate in exchanging presents. If you would like to exchange presents, and/or you have already told me what you want, please let me know and I will tell you what I want. I’m sure you can all see how insane it is that I’m spending £50 EACH on people who give me nothing! (Passive aggressive very smiley emoji) If you would like to stick to strictly buying presents for DC, I understand!” And just let the shitstorm happen.

OR, just text the people individually you’ve bought for and tell them what you want! No room to bargain! Text your CF father and say, “Bought X for GF. I would like (insert £50 gift). Thank you!” Text SIL, “Got you something from JL. I forgot to add, I would obviously like a set from (insert brand) from you. Thank you!” End.

You have the power to woman up and stop this shite from happening for a single Christmas more! Just do it. Don’t let them do this to you. You deserve presents. You really, really do. It breaks my heart that these ungrateful shites are getting all your Christmas money and you say you can then afford nothing for yourself. Just no!

GreenTulips · 16/11/2019 15:36

And while you’re at it, get your DH to buy the presents for his family, he can think shop wrap and deliver and see if it’s worth his effort.

Because at the moment he gets a gift without having put anything one the table, so there’s no value to your effort.

Loopytiles · 16/11/2019 16:40

Yeah, ditch the bullshit wifework too.

PunchBall · 16/11/2019 18:21

I think buying for the SIL who gives your DC presents is fair, if she spends around the same amount on them.

The friend who wants you to buy for her DC, I think this is also OK as your DC are getting something for same value.

Does your Dad buy for the DC and it’s supposed to be from both him and his GF? And then you are buying for both of them or just the GF?

I think a lot of your problem is that other people are stating what they want, but you’re not telling them in return what DC want. You need to do the same as them!

SimpleAndPlanned · 16/11/2019 18:26

Take the perfume back and the big gift for your friends DC. Buy the GF some nice chocolates, buy the child a big selection box. Buy yourself something nice. Life is too short for this shit.

yeahyh · 16/11/2019 21:51

I've bought really nice token gifts for people in the past and they open them and just look pissed off.

Let them. Who cares? And let your dh buy for his own family.

Cherrysoup · 16/11/2019 22:19

I started off feeling sorry for the OP, but seriously, just stop! You’re pissed off, you’re not benefiting, so stop. Does your dad’s gf reciprocate? £50 is ridiculous. And yes, your dh can deal with his family, if anything like mine, he won’t bother and everyone will forget by next year, so no more buying. You’re being taken for a mug, OP and you know it.