AIBU - Got Christmas shopping rage again

[BahHumbugAnus]

Every freaking year I get the rage when I have to go Christmas shopping. Today was the first day I have attempted it for this year.

I like shopping. I like shopping for my DC and people I think are deserving of a treat. It's the others where I get the absolute F'ing rage.

On the list is my Dad's GF. She has never bought my DC a gift, but I am expected to buy her one because my dad is fully emerged in her family and they buy him. Apparently she likes perfume. So that was £50.

SIL buys my DC so we have to buy her. She always gives us a list of options. She wants a set from JL beauty counter. Another £50.

I've been trying to tone down another gift but it is not working. I just had the conversation again where I said please don't buy my DC gifts, they don't need anything. Just a whopper of a selection box if you must. No, her DC loves receiving presents and looks forward to them. That is another £40 as she told me what to buy her DC.

Nieces and nephews are now having babies and I've another 4 DC to buy for. I don't mind this so much.

So, I've spent all day shopping for the above. I didn't get my DC anything as I was too busy looking for all the above. I didn't buy myself anything as I can't afford it. I never get to treat myself with perfume, JL beauty counter stuff or any luxuries, nor will I receive any at Christmas.

I know I am being a massive humbug. I've had a crap year and I have a lot of things on my plate at the moment. I have just had enough of this bullshit every year. It's never ending. I've toned Christmas down loads but am still buying massive bloody presents for about 5 people and am sick of it. On the other hand there are a few people I am really grateful to and take massive enjoyment in baking for them, wrapping up really nice, selecting a nice wine and card.

[hazell42]

If you turn up with a cheap gift no one will say anything, unless they are spectacularly rude.
Even if they do, you have broken the pattern for next year.
I have always believed that the gift is not what is under the wrapping paper. It is the thought, care and love that has gone into choosing, buying and wrapping it. If you happen to like the item too, well, that's a bonus.
I have to say, that I would not really want to receive any gift that was the mix of resentment, spite and vitriol that your gifts seem to be.
Buy them all a token gift, and see if you can manage to give it with a smile. Much better for everyone, and your blood pressure will thank you

[squaresandsquares]

I'm sorry but your post has made me angry. Just say no. Stop enabling it.
Don't do it and then you won't be angry FFS common sense!?

[Courtney555]

And your sil doesnt get you anything yet you are again running around getting her expensive stuff you cant afford. Muggy mug you.

SIL gifts the exact same £50 back. OP doesn't like that this goes on her DC instead of her SIL doesn't have any DC, that's why she gets the present herself.

So your dad has very little to do with you or your DC yet you are running after them doing as they say.

We don't actually know this. OP has been very misleading. I would suspect the dad and GF get OP's DC the equivalent (just like everyone else does), that's why he feels able to request £50 for perfume for the GF and I imagine he gets a present too.

It basically boils down to three things.

1. OP has the hump that "her" gifts are now received in the form of gifts to her DC. She thinks she gets nothing, because the expensive gifts have transferred to her children now and begrudges the adults in her family who haven't had children therefore still get the gift directly themselves.

1. She can't afford the £50 on her SIL, or the £40 on her friends DC. Even though her DC receive the £90 equivalent back from both of those people. So she needs to be firmer with both and say (as she seems to only be able to operate on a give/receive like for like basis) "SIL, please only get my 3 DC a £10 gift each this year, as my budget for you can't go above £30"

1. OP gets the hump that she gets people exactly what they want but no thought goes into her or her DC's presents. That's because the others give her a list of exactly what they would like. OP doesn't do this, then gets snippy that they haven't guessed the perfect present.

[OneDay10]

each of your updates make you sound more of a mug. And it's all your own doing!!
So your dad has very little to do with you or your DC yet you are running after them doing as they say.
And your sil doesnt get you anything yet you are again running around getting her expensive stuff you cant afford. Muggy mug you.
Off course they will take advantage of you- you allow it. stop complaining about them when you are bringing it upon yourself.

[HubbabubbaT]

Years back we used to sit at the Argos catalogue with a budget of £20 each and take turns circling and highlighting in different colours what we wanted. We looked wistfully at the very expensive stuff but we knew as kids we'd only get what was in budget. Lots of crossing out and recircling done as we changed our minds in the run up to Christmas!

[Amelia910]

We do secret santa in my family for the adults (I'm one of six kids!) budget of £40-£50 for your secret santa then but for hw kids x

[Courtney555]

There's an argument for dialling it down a bit even if they're all spending the same on each other. It's still a lot.

Agree completely, that's the obvious thing to do here.

but that's children and not the OP herself. That's not the same in my eyes. Do we disappear as people once we are mothers? Do we only exist through our children?

Well it's pretty standard I'm afraid when you have children! It stops things spiralling, so the amount never exceeds (using OP as example) £50, irrespective of who it's split between. No we don't disappear as mothers

What we do, is understand that people will no longer spend £50 on us, when they now spend £50 on our DC. And we don't sulk that "I'm not getting anything, because the whole £50 goes on my children"

OP's stance is that she's miffed her childless SIL gets a nice present for herself, when OP has to sit back and watch SIL spend the exact amount on her DC. Poor OP having to let her children have the £50 spent on them.

[GrumpyHoonMain]

Get your stepmum a cheap ted baker perfume / gift set from Boots. If she doesn’t buy stuff for your family she shouldn’t get anything but the bare minimum.

[EerieSilence]

@Courtney555 - but that's children and not the OP herself. That's not the same in my eyes. Do we disappear as people once we are mothers? Do we only exist through our children?
If someone bought something for my DD and not myself, I would do the same, unless it's someone like my childminder and the previous childminder where I buy presents for them - but also for their children and they only buy something for my daughter. That's a completely different relationship though.

[Vulpine]

I dont think ive ever met a 'pricey present demander' in my life, in fact i have never met a 'present demander' - or maybe i have and i just choose to ignore them. People can get what they're given or indeed nothing sometimes. I never feel this kind of pressure.

[Doubleraspberry]

Why on earth do adults need a gift the same value as what they spend on someone’s kids?! That’s not how it works. I wouldn’t expect anything at all in return in that situation or maybe a token so I had something to open. I have been in that situation and got a paperback book in return, and been quite happy. If the aunt resents not getting an expensive present in return she can just stop buying for the children, or buy cheaper presents. I may be unworldly but gift giving shouldn’t be in expectation of a return.

[EerieSilence]

WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IT TO YOURSELF?!?!?!
I read your post and most of your posts in the thread and I can't believe it. You're not a martyr, nobody will proclaim you a saint, they just think you are the Christmas doormat.
Return the gifts and spend the money on presents for those you love and get something nice for yourself.
Sorted.

[JacobReesClunge]

There's an argument for dialling it down a bit even if they're all spending the same on each other. It's still a lot.

[Courtney555]

You're buying expensive gifts but getting nothing back?

No. Not at all.

OP's DC receive the same value of gifts back. OP drip feeds this halfway through the thread. The OP is just worded really badly so everyone thought OP was dishing all this out and getting nothing back.

Her DC get back exactly what she's spending, definitely in the case of the £50 from SIL and the £40 from the unrelated friend.

We're still unclear what the DC get from the Dad and GF, but you can pretty much guarantee they get something decent, which is why he feels comfortable to ask for £50 perfume for his partner (and presumably something for himself as well).

OP is being verrrrrrry misleading here.

[Courtney555]

But OP isn't receiving nothing. She spends £50 on SIL, £40 on her friends DC, and gets £90 of presents for her DC back in return. She is spending in proportion to what is received. She just has the hump because she doesn't get her own gift. Which is ridiculous, she gets it in the form of DC gifts. SIL who doesn't have DC gets the full amount directly on her, and OP is resentful of that. Sorry but tough! It's not SIL fault.

So, OP needs to decide if she wants her DC to go without £50 of gifts between them from SIL, because she gets the arse that SIL (quite rightly) gets a single £50 present in return. No one is being done over here.

With the friend, she says she just wants to swap selection boxes for all their DC, but the friend wants to spend more. Rather than be direct and say she can't afford it, OP just goes along with having to spend £40 on them, as her DC will receive £40, then fumes about it. It just requires a very clear, "We're cutting back this year, the DC would love to exchange selection boxes, or a DC secret Santa for £5 each, but unfortunately, nothing of a greater value. Please let us know which of these you'd prefer"

[Confusedbeetle]

It only takes one person too break this cycle. Announce to all that all presents will be limited to £15 and only buy for the children. R=There will be one year of flurry and then its job done. On a smaller scale ite the ssame with christmas cards. No one wants too start it but are happy to follow suite. This year its trendy to play the environmental card

[Whattodoabout]

Don’t do it then, they aren’t holding you at gunpoint.

[StormTreader]

You're buying expensive gifts but getting nothing back?
When you ask them for the equally expensive thing you want and they brush you off, what excuse do they give you? Use it on them.

Either everyone gets equally expensive gifts or no-one does.

[altiara]

Just buy people a tin of biscuits if you can’t afford a lot. Or Maltesers. Stick to consumables! For your dads GF, you could buy a bottle of prosecco and then done little gifts from the kids- toiletries/xmas socks etc. Total £15 and she has lots of little things and booze.

[CautiousPractice]

My DPs family are pricey present demanders, Usually costly jewellry, concert tickets, etc. Thats 5 adults all demanding we spend upwards of 50 quid on them at birthdays and christmas. My own family are very easy to please, and usually adults ask for things they need like new wine glasses, or a new iron (a £10 one not one that costs the earth), so DPs and I's first christmas together, I did my family and stuck his name on the tag, and while I advised on some purchases (colours and things), I left him to it. His bill for 3 less people was more than double mine. They were also super ungrateful about accepting the presents (The fabric is horrid, I didnt want this one), which made me angry, and he got a primark tshirt and a keyring in return as a joint gift from 5 adults, nothing for me.
Last year, we were more firm on budgets for each person, because his family had grown, and we were wanting to set the tone for future Christmases. So we bought things we thought they'd like that were similar to what they asked for, or bought second hand from ebay (jewellry), and STILL it wasn't good enough, and again he got 1 joint cheap gift, and i got a pair of cheap pajamas, in the wrong size, covered in glitter that went EVERYWHERE. After that we decided that we are not doing individual gifts. We have put together a family night in a box - a movie, a board game, hot chocolate, snacks, popcorn, biscuits. Its cost us about 40 quid to do for 5 adults and 2 kids. If they turn their nose up they get nothing next year. We liked what we have done so much, we have done one for my sister and her family, and a more upscale one for my parents. We started buying bits and pieces in September, shopped around for deals, and will be done on all gifts for both families by the end of November, so I will only have him to buy for.

[MzHz]

That second para was about a friend, not SIL

@BahHumbugAnus love, get your coat on and get yourself back into town and take those gifts back

Get a tin of chocs for your dad and his gf, get nothing for SIL, tell her you’re getting her the same as she gets you, and get a couple of token gifts from the kids. Spend only in proportion to what she gets your kids.

Friend? Get her dd an appropriate gift (mini drum kit?) and again, you’re getting the same for her as she gets for you, get token gifts from the kids to her. Nothing more.

Please make sure that you give yourself the gift of freedom from this nonsense

The world won’t end, they’ve all got this coming. If they kick up say that not once in all this time has anyone thought of you in all this, the gifts they’re demanding are extravagant and not within the budget even for spoiling yourself, let alone those who have not even considered you in any of this crap.

Draw back love, stand up and refuse to be bullied for things At a level you can’t afford and ultimately don’t want to give

[Linguaphile]

Regardless of whether OP gets gifts from others, there has to be a point where she comes clean with them and days she would rather not do a gift exchange if they can’t afford it. I have a SIL like this who spends money every year buying stuff for us that we don’t request, want, or need and then gets in a huff if we don’t spend as much on her and her kids. Sends unsolicited lists and everything. She doesn’t want to do a secret Santa as she feels her kids will be shortchanged. Feels a bit like blackmail.

[Linguaphile]

This gives me the rage as well. I’d be brutal and cut everyone down to a 10 pound limit. No point in going broke buying pointless gifts for people you don’t like. If they complain, just say you don’t even buy presents that nice for your own kids and that you’re sorry your gifts have not met expectations s but you have a budget. Greedy gits.

[Courtney555]

@Havaina

Gaaaaargh!!!! No that's not right. I wish people would rtft.

That's how misleading the OP is, as I keep saying. If you look through the thread, OP then drip feeds that those two paragraphs are about separate people. The first is about her SIL who spends £50 on her DC. The second it turns out, is about an unrelated friend, who buys OP's DC £40 of presents, so OP reciprocates. She's just worded her OP so badly, it looks like she, and her DC are getting zero. She's getting back exactly what she spends, just direct to her DC, then complaining about it. The only exception might be the DF and GF, as she's been questioned several times if they buy for her DC and she's not answered that.

[DryHeaving]

I'd be a bit freaked out if someone I didn't know got me an expensive perfume every year for Christmas
Your dad could be pretending it's from him if you've never received anything back, not even a thank you