Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to a colleague's home?

160 replies

Xmasspirit · 12/11/2019 07:43

It was recently announced that my team's Christmas party will be a dinner at a junior female colleague's place, where she and other junior female colleagues will cook for the team. The team dynamics is not great and I've had mental health issues on account of bullying and inappropriate sexist remarks at work. I am having panic attacks when thinking about the party and having to go to this person's home. WWYD?

OP posts:
jcorbyn · 12/11/2019 07:45

Don't do anything that you don't want to do

DinoSn0re · 12/11/2019 07:45

Aren’t you busy that day OP? An important family event came up. Such a shame you’ll miss it, but you hope they all have a lovely time!

Shesellsseashellsontheseashore · 12/11/2019 07:46

I wouldn't go. Pretend you are already busy on that date. Sounds an awful night even if you did get on with them! Who wants their work Christmas do in someone's house.

chatwoo · 12/11/2019 08:01

The run up to Xmas is such a busy time, maybe you've got a prior engagement for that evening?

CalmdownJanet · 12/11/2019 08:03

That's very odd Confused I definitely wouldn't go if I were you

GabriellaMontez · 12/11/2019 08:05

I'd be taken ill that evening or have a prior engagement.

Marlena1 · 12/11/2019 08:06

100% I wouldn't go. It's not a requirement, it's meant to be for enjoyment but you won't enjoy it.

BeanBag7 · 12/11/2019 08:07

I dont think its inappropriate but if your not comfortable with it just dont go!

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 12/11/2019 08:08

Well, have the junior female colleagues been coerced into doing this or is it a generous gesture on their part? You could be perceived as being rude to turn down the invitation but such is life, you'll just have to own it. How about looking for another job if this one gives you panic attacks? No point staying in a job you hate.

ReanimatedSGB · 12/11/2019 08:11

Do you work in the hospitality/catering industry? Or are these colleagues both enthusiastic cooks who talk about it a lot at work? It does sound distinctly odd and I wonder what the two appointed cooks actually think about it - did they offer, or was the task dumped on them? (If it's the latter then don't go. Spitting iin your soupl will be the least of it...)

KnightandDay · 12/11/2019 08:11

Seems like a strange idea for a work Christmas party, especially as you describe them as junior
But if you don't want to go, don't go. Just have other plans that night.

AmIThough · 12/11/2019 08:13

What a bizarre concept. I wouldn't go.

alreadyinchristmasmood · 12/11/2019 08:14

Ohhhh what a shame, your aunt Sharon has her birthday party exactly on that particular day, you can't go!

Bizarre way to organise a WORK Christmas party. I wouldn't host it & I wouldn't go, tbh, just odd.

Beautiful3 · 12/11/2019 08:14

I would say that I already have plans, friends coming over. You dont have to do anything you dont feel comfortable doing.

churchandstate · 12/11/2019 08:15

That’s quite weird. Whose idea was that?

CherryPavlova · 12/11/2019 08:20

Two separate issues.
You are unhappy in your job, so perhaps consider whether you want to stay.
You don’t want to go to a Christmas lunch or party. Decide whether it would be too rude not to go and whether you care about that. If it’s in work time, it’s a bit harder to avoid but tell your manager why you don’t want to go otherwise, if it’s in your own time, just say sorry but you have a prior engagement.
It’s not odd, it’s a nice idea by the person whose home it is and those catering. It’s generous and will save money. It’s probably less stilted for a large number than a restaurant.

Original poster
Xmasspirit · 12/11/2019 08:21

Thank you everyone - I am a senior collegue and it would be expected of me that I come (aunt Sharon would not be enough of an excuse). Would it be unreasonable if i insisted that we go to a neutral place, such as a professional catering joint, like a restaurant or a cafe? Would it be too "drama queen" of me?

OP posts:
CherryPavlova · 12/11/2019 08:25

We’ve had a junior member of staff use her home for a whole team BBQ and team building day. She has a lovely home about fifty yards from a private beach. We all paid a minimal amount and a couple of others helped her do the shopping and cooking. It was absolutely lovely. Relaxed and fun and less ‘polite conversation’ than a hired meeting room or restaurant where you only speak to the few people either side of you.

CherryPavlova · 12/11/2019 08:26

Yes it would be two drama queen of you. They’ve made a generous offer. Why should it all revolve around you?

Sushiroller · 12/11/2019 08:27

Say you will go and develop a vomiting bug the evening before.
Absolutely the simplest way and no one will care...

Do not ask the venue be changed...everything is booked for Christmas parties in August it would be awkward of you.

havingtochangeusernameagain · 12/11/2019 08:28

I am a senior collegue and it would be expected of me that I come (aunt Sharon would not be enough of an excuse)

It's not for them to decide which of your relatives is enough of an excuse.

But in that case, say you are going to your husband's work do that evening and that was in the diary weeks ago, so sorry you are already booked. If you don't have a partner, make one up!

Original poster
Xmasspirit · 12/11/2019 08:28

With regards to finding a new job - I actually love my job and what I do. Most oc the time I am fairly independent from the team. And I will be looking for another job but not just yet.

OP posts:
habipprtyh · 12/11/2019 08:29

I wouldn't go. I like to be in control on a night out and being somewhere public means that I can just leave whenever with minimal fuss.

kaldefotter · 12/11/2019 08:30

Go, or don’t go.

You can’t dictate that they can’t host this meal. If you try, it will look immensely attention-seeking on your part, and people will talk about it. That would seem to be the opposite of what you’d want to achieve.

Work on a convincing excuse for not going instead.

EleanorShellstrop100 · 12/11/2019 08:30

Sorry OP... It would be very dramatic of you to insist on going elsewhere and would probably upset the host and others who had offered to cook. Just say you’re sick that night. Unless you realize that loads of others are also uncomfortable with this then you can say something. Otherwise I think you’d come across as unreasonable and people would be annoyed if everyone else is happy with the plan.