To not want to go to a colleague's home?

[Xmasspirit]

It was recently announced that my team's Christmas party will be a dinner at a junior female colleague's place, where she and other junior female colleagues will cook for the team. The team dynamics is not great and I've had mental health issues on account of bullying and inappropriate sexist remarks at work. I am having panic attacks when thinking about the party and having to go to this person's home. WWYD?

If you are looking for an excuse it is one to use.
If anyone used that they would be the laughing stock of the office!
It's a private gathering.
I'm sure there's better excuses!

If I needed an excuse I would say I had tickets For a gig ( or thaetre or whatever) and go to that so you are not lying and doing something you enjoy.

“It sounds like a lovely evening, sadly I have to decline due to an important family commitment that I must attend.”

If anyone used that they would be the laughing stock of the office!

The OP is management, you wouldn't declare it in an open office.

It is something to point out in management meetings. If they are paying for this in work time, then they should be looking at this sort of thing as standard. That's what managers do.

If they are actually selling the food at this event I think they may actually need a certificate. I run a small group with snacks provided at sessions but just have a pot for donations to avoid this.

If anyone asks says it a surprise birthday dinner and you’ve promised not to tell anyone about it!

Re hygiene certificate - actually a good point since the company would be responsible if anything happened and the hostess didn't have insurance. This is not a private event. But I definitely don't want to go that way as it may seem petty even by my drama queen standards 😀

It sounds too complicated (you want to be part of the celebration but you don’t want to go to a bully’s house etc etc). There is only one aspect you are in control of and that’s whether you go or not. If I felt like this then I would go along with the plan and then coincidentally come down with a vomiting night the night before.

Presuming your direct reports are adults, who can choose to make an excuse, they don’t need you there to ‘support’ them.

And if they need support during what is supposed to be a social celebration, I don’t think any of them should go anyway....

it is actually a work event during working hours and the company contributes financially.

Then i’d Suggest that it’s inappropriate for the company to contribute to a specific employee as host. Too much potential for favouritism/misuse of funds. A neutral event would be more professional

This is an odd set up. Why do they have to do it? Surely a restaurant, bar or pub is more appropriate for it?

This was actually useful. If a number of colleagues, including myself, need to make excuses while the company is paying for it, then the event is not inclusive enough. I will ask for it to be cancelled.

If it’s in work time then they are in a better position to insist, unfortunately. Providing they are paying for transport anyway.

I personally wouldn’t go but at the same time I can see how this might make the team dynamics even worse and make you look bad in front of parties. If I were to go, I’d drive so I could leave whenever I liked.

Why not make it clear you have a prior engagement that night but you obviously dont wish to appear rude when they have made such an effort so you will pop in for an hour...that way you arent fluffing their feathers by not going but dont have to endure being uncomfortable the entire night

I'm confused as to who decided this and just announced it, if you are more senior than them.

What's more, if you think other people wouldn't enjoy it why is everyone agreeing to it? It sounds like they're going to have the unwanted expense of taxis to attend what is essentially a works outing.

I'm with you, it sounds grim. I wouldn't go. Make any excuse you want, or just decline without one, they won't care. You could send a bottle or crate of wine if you felt so inclined.

Have you actually reported the bullying. Could you discuss with your mgr and explain you would prefer not to go for those reasons.
Alternatively, how about ‘ poor junior colleague cooking all that food, it’s not fair on her etc. Wouldn’t it be better if we went elsewhere.
not Sure how many people she’s catering for but it does seem like an odd work Xmas do.

If you know your direct reports are unhappy then you can feed back that your team would prefer to do x instead.

I've worked in places where we've had work meals/events/celebrations at colleague's homes. It can be part of the culture in certain sectors. If that's the case for OP then she does need to consider carefully how she objects. Objecting to it in our organisation would have been considered very rude.

Christmas party where the company financially contributes makes it a company event. All behaviours should be appropriate. I would suggest to HR that party, alcohol and at someone's home makes a potential perfect storm.

If someone told one of my seniors that this was what we were doing for our team Xmas meal I can guarantee they'd respond with "that's a bit weird. I don't want to go to x's house. The company are paying - we may as well make the most of it"

Please don't ask about a hygiene certificate you'll be the laughing stock. Why can't you just say I'm not interested in going to someone's home, you don't feel comfortable. You're not going full stop. I have some colleagues where this would not bother me and others no way would I go to their house. Just say no thank you. If you're senior maybe it's about time you started sticking up for yourself by clearly stating your needs.

Is it during the working day or is it in the evening outside of your hours? I'm confused.

If it's the working day then I don't see how you can get out of it

We've never done this before and no other team that I know has done this before. In addition to my personal mental health problems, I feel that it only furthers the gender dis-balance in the team, if junior females are expected to cook and senior females are not consulted on team events.

You either go or you don't go. You don't get to through your toys out of the pram and say it has to be changed or cancelled for everyone - actually that sort of smacks of bullying itself, which would be a same for everyone else do does want to go. If you have made it to a senior level in your work, then you should be better equipped to deal with situations like this involving junior colleagues. If this is a serious situation that is affecting your mental health, then you need to take it through official channels with HR and your supervisor. If it isn't, then you need to get some mental health support for yourself so you can manage a bit better. There is no reason to go through life struggling to handle mundane everyday things when you can feel better.

Fwiw, my office holiday party is at a colleagues house. It's great, much more affordable (key for junior staff) and informal. No weird gender imbalances, no one feels uncomfortable.

And I agree that I won't be bringing up hygiene certificate - although a legally valud point it would unnecessarily upset the hostess.