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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go to a colleague's home?

160 replies

Xmasspirit · 12/11/2019 07:43

It was recently announced that my team's Christmas party will be a dinner at a junior female colleague's place, where she and other junior female colleagues will cook for the team. The team dynamics is not great and I've had mental health issues on account of bullying and inappropriate sexist remarks at work. I am having panic attacks when thinking about the party and having to go to this person's home. WWYD?

OP posts:

Hahaha88 · 12/11/2019 08:31

If you really don't want to go become sick on the day. Otherwise I think you should suck it up and go. I don't really understand why you'd feel ok in a restaurant but not at her house, unless you think they are going to bully you/attack you in private but wouldn't in public?

lilypoppet · 12/11/2019 08:31

Make your excuses. Everyone has a lot on at Christmas so invent a family thing you can't get out of.

afternoonspray · 12/11/2019 08:32

Is it the hosts you have problems with?

You definitely can't try to change set plans because you feel uncomfortable about them. You will only increase the backbiting about you if you do.

If you like the hosts, arrive a little late when the party is in full swing so there's no need to make small talk with a few guests you don;t get on with. Bring a generous offering to the hosts, like a good bottle of wine or flowers. Chat to all the people you do get on with and say soemthing civil and seasonal to the people you think hate your guts. Then duck out early.

Angie6868 · 12/11/2019 08:32

I wouldn't suggest going elsewhere. If nobody else agrees to it, you're still in the same position. Either go and make the best of it or make your excuses now. If it was me, is make an excuse now and not go

APerkyPumpkin · 12/11/2019 08:32

Who made this decision?
Do they have hygiene certificates?
What would happen if anyone got food poisoning?

Butchyrestingface · 12/11/2019 08:32

It’s an odd set up but perhaps your junior colleague lives in a mansion with terribly rich relatives.

Can you clarify, is it this same colleague who has been responsible for the bullying and sexist remarks?

CobaltLoafer · 12/11/2019 08:36

Just agree to go, then become mysteriously ill or have another emergency on the evening of the party. People will barely notice by the time they’re on their first drink.

Or just say you really must see aunt Sharon that night. So what if you are senior and ‘should’ go? You still don’t have to. Tough it out. They aren’t going to sack you over it.

However trying to change the existing plans and kicking up a fuss could be seen as ‘undermining staff morale’ if things are already strained.

Curtainly · 12/11/2019 08:38

I would make an appearance for a bit, say that you had plans but are keen to come so have rearranged so you can make it for a little while. Then it seems like you have actually gone above and beyond to attend, rather than just not wanting to stay very long . I would prefer somewhere more neutral, however that's just a personal preference and it seems that the colleague is being generous by offering so I wouldn't say anything. Senior team members at most things I've been to have only stayed for a bit anyway.

Ilovetolurk · 12/11/2019 08:39

I see this one heading for mumsnet madness

Do what you like OP

Original poster

Xmasspirit · 12/11/2019 08:41

Yes the hostess is part of the bullying clique. She is trying to get on by sucking up to her sexist boss and although she is not a bully she is an accessory to bullying - she triggers panic attacks and I see her in my nightmares. The party will not be fun for others either.

OP posts:

APerkyPumpkin · 12/11/2019 08:42

Just don't go. Mistakenly have a take out the night before and be 'very ill' the day of the do.

acatcalledjohn · 12/11/2019 08:43

Since when does an employer get to decide whether you should be available outside of normal working hours?

Tell them you are otherwise engaged? Doing what? It's a personal, prior engagement.

Just don't go.

Curtainly · 12/11/2019 08:43

OP in that case I wouldn't go. Rather than dreading it and coming up with an excuse nearer the time, just say you can't attend and maybe so something festive at work. If the hostess causes you that much stress then it isn't worth it at all.

Nanny0gg · 12/11/2019 08:43

Hygiene certificate??? It's meant to be a social evening!!

andyoldlabour · 12/11/2019 08:45

OP, I know what it is like to be bullied and have mental health issues (panic attacks and depression), so for your sake please don't go, because your health is the most important thing.

Original poster

Xmasspirit · 12/11/2019 08:46

It is actually a work event during working hours and the company contributes financially.

OP posts:

StillCoughingandLaughing · 12/11/2019 08:49

Would it be unreasonable if i insisted that we go to a neutral place, such as a professional catering joint, like a restaurant or a cafe?

If you’re not senior enough to say you’re not going without coming up with an excuse others consider acceptable, you’re not senior enough to ‘insist’ on a change of venue. That may sound blunt, but it’s the truth.

nanny3 · 12/11/2019 08:50

just go but get someone to phone you after half an hour about an emergency that you must leave to attend to xx

StillCoughingandLaughing · 12/11/2019 08:50

Do they have hygiene certificates? What would happen if anyone got food poisoning?

Exactly the same thing that would happen if anyone got food poisoning at any other private gathering. Bugger all.

APerkyPumpkin · 12/11/2019 08:51

Hygiene certificate??? It's meant to be a social evening!!

If you are looking for an excuse it is one to use.

notacooldad · 12/11/2019 08:51

Do they have hygiene certificates
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Do you ask to see a hygiene rating every time you go to someone's house and have something to eat there?

museumsandgalleries666 · 12/11/2019 08:53

Presume this is an internal team dinner rather than with clients. No need to make up an excuse. Just decline the invitation and if anybody does ask just say you already have plans.

I've been to work dinners etc with people I really didn't get along with that well and it was an almighty bore. Wish I'd never bothered and I'm 100% certain nobody would have missed me.

Herocomplex · 12/11/2019 08:54

How’s your relationship with your boss? Are they aware of what’s going on for you?

Original poster

Xmasspirit · 12/11/2019 08:55

Oh no, I definitely don't need an excuse not to go. It's just I really want to be a part of celebration and to support my direct reports. I just can't go to that particular place. Which also happens to be a million miles away from everywhere so no easy escape - would need to wait for minicabz and ubers which might be sparse on the night in the run up to Xmas

OP posts:

APerkyPumpkin · 12/11/2019 08:55

Do you ask to see a hygiene rating every time you go to someone's house and have something to eat there?

I would if work were forcing me to someone's house, yes. Especially if they are a known bully and likely to actually put something in people's food that they didn't like. Why wouldn't you?

I once had a landlord who was trying to get me to buy a ladder and trim their 10ft tall hedge, until I asked when they were putting me on a 'working at heights' course as to trim their hedge would actually fall foul of new safety guidance and never heard a peep out of them again.

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