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Original poster

To not want to go to a colleague's home?

160 replies

Xmasspirit · 12/11/2019 07:43

It was recently announced that my team's Christmas party will be a dinner at a junior female colleague's place, where she and other junior female colleagues will cook for the team. The team dynamics is not great and I've had mental health issues on account of bullying and inappropriate sexist remarks at work. I am having panic attacks when thinking about the party and having to go to this person's home. WWYD?

OP posts:
Inertia · 12/11/2019 10:43

Alternatively, if it's in work time, could you arrange to be in a hugely important off-site meeting that day?

cannycat20 · 12/11/2019 10:45

If you HAVE to go, stay for one drink and/or 45 minutes, make your excuses, and leave.

I'm sure I'm also not the only one on here who's used the "phone me in an hour" technique, both receiving and making calls. I personally hate Christmas with a passion for many reasons, and all that fake ho-ho-ho false cheerfulness at parties when the rest of the time people are sticking knives in your back is one of the main reasons I hate it. That and the showing off in some quarters. A couple of colleagues bought me a Bah Humbug hat one year and I was delighted to wear it on Christmas Jumper day. I've even lived in a location where Christmas was not officially celebrated (no, not the Middle East) and in December you STILL have to dodge the shop assistants made to dress up in stupid elf costumes. (Note to say - this is not intended to be an elfist comment. I love elves, the ones I've met.)

The only times I've ever gone to a Christmas party at a colleague's house were overseas and once in this country. Both times, the colleague volunteered; in the UK as they had the largest house (hubby was a civil engineer so they'd built it themselves, with help), everybody took something along to eat (lots of different food allergies, diabetes etc so many of us had to be careful what we ate and drank) and we all had a jolly time. But I was working in a nice, supportive environment with kind people, not someone who was trying to a) stab me in the back and b) curry favour with the boss for her 1950s retro culinary abilities, which is what this sounds like from your description. Is she planning on doing a Mad Men style dance in the interpretative style of Megan Draper afterwards an' all??

Oldfail · 12/11/2019 10:46

The drinking bit is an issue for me.... people are expected to drink.... so even recovering alcoholics.... under age employees.... people on medication ... pregnant ladies.....

I agree there is something seriously wrong with your workplace but it's also a workplace with adults and you have every right to not go. We have one lady that doesn't do christmas celebrations or eating with other people... she just doesn't come for the lunch and carries on working... that's her choice and prerogative... yeah some of us find it odd cause we like to do these things but we dont exclude her or treat her badly over her own personal choices

NorthEndGal · 12/11/2019 10:53

What if you used this as an opportunity to help smooth things out and reduce tensions?
Go, with an open heart and open mind, it could be great

Dandelion1993 · 12/11/2019 10:53

Just say you don't want to go.

I've never understood why people feel they have to make an excuse for work events. Just say you're not going.

HollowTalk · 12/11/2019 10:57

I think you just need to say in a meeting, "Lovely of you to offer and there's nothing to stop you having a private party on another date, of course, but given the company's paying I think it's better we have something in the centre of town so that people can get home easily. So in the light of that, I'm booking X for that date."

HollowTalk · 12/11/2019 10:59

There are so many problems with having something at home - measures of spirits for one thing. It would be so much harder to keep control of how much you're drinking and that might amuse some people. I also think one guy at least is thinking he might sleep over...

LinnetBird · 12/11/2019 11:21

Having to go anywhere, is not on my radar.
Unless it's paid don't go.
If you have a job where you are expected to do these things then you have 2 choices suck it up or change the type of job, where it isn't expected.

MarziPam · 12/11/2019 11:36

'And yes, I know a place with a private room that would happily take us even at such short notice...'

But op, if it's been decided and plans are in motion it would cause an awkward situation if you request it is changed? It would surely exacerbate the already difficult situation. Just don't go, it is fine.

Address your issues and plan ahead for next year, take control and arrange it earlier.

BlastEndedSkrewt · 12/11/2019 11:40

I would go, it might go some way to helping you become more of a team & get to know them.

I would however leave if I was uncomfortable & have a back of plan of someone calling me & coming to get me out of there.

NoProblem123 · 12/11/2019 11:41

No way ho-zay. Drop them.

You’re busy that evening unfortunately doing something nice with nice friends. Shame.

shearwater · 12/11/2019 11:45

"Sorry, I have an appointment for a root canal on that date and the dentist is fully booked otherwise".

ChileConCarne · 12/11/2019 11:49

I find it odd, in these days of gender equality, that the job of catering the team’s Christmas meal should fall to the junior female staff. Perhaps you can suggest an alternative venue on that basis?

category12 · 12/11/2019 11:49

"Lovely of you to offer and there's nothing to stop you having a private party on another date, of course, but given the company's paying I think it's better we have something in the centre of town so that people can get home easily. So in the light of that, I'm booking X for that date."

This ^

Zaphodsotherhead · 12/11/2019 11:53

Why would anyone think it's a good idea to have a party miles from anywhere, where drinking is expected so nobody is going to be able to drive home?

Are they going to lay on a minibus? What about people who have to get home to relieve babysitters? Or are they excused from the 'drinking' that's expected?

It sounds horribly restrictive. To say nothing of how many taxis, Ubers, etc are going to be needed to get everyone home - and how much is that costing, presuming the company is paying?

TheReluctantCountess · 12/11/2019 11:53

We had something like this suggested at work, but a senior member of staff said no to it, saying it wasn’t fair on the staff hosting to do everything. They insisted on going out to a restaurant instead. That never happened, but that’s a different story!
Could you, as a senior member of staff, say that it’s not fair on those hosting to do everything and essentially wait on other staff.

ReanimatedSGB · 12/11/2019 11:56

You really are running the risk of getting yourself a workplace reputation as an officious, meddling, self-obsessed whiner. It's coming across as though you don't so much 'stand up for' colleagues as demand that they comply with your views. Your colleagues and managers have made arrangements for a Christmas party that the majority are happy with. If you don't want to go, don't go - but whining and interfering and demanding they rearrange everything to suit you is not the way to a pleasant workplace environment.

Ilovemypantry · 12/11/2019 11:57

Just don’t go if you don’t want to

category12 · 12/11/2019 11:59

It's really really weird to organise a works do at someone's house tho.

HollowTalk · 12/11/2019 12:07

@ReanimatedSGB is that really how you see this? Did you not read about the culture of bullying in that workplace?

gingersausage · 12/11/2019 12:20

This reply has been deleted

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BouquetOfRoses · 12/11/2019 12:28

Very strange! Can you convince people as opposed to over-rule?

ginghamtablecloths · 12/11/2019 12:30

What a horrible situation. If the workplace is unhappy with bullying and worse a party like this isn't going to fix it. You will be unable to attend due to a previous and very pressing engagement.

NigellaAwesome · 12/11/2019 12:40

OP I agree with you - this is an unusual choice of Christmas function, and given there have been tensions within the group it isn't appropriate.

I would say exactly that, perhaps soften it to say it is a lovely gesture, and perhaps those arselicks team members could do something less formal in the summer, but for the official Christmas function it is not appropriate for all sorts of reasons, not least public liability issues.

havingtochangeusernameagain · 12/11/2019 12:43

Oh goodness Christmas parties. So much angst, so much pressure!

I fell out with my boss last year over my work Christmas do. It was instrumental (partly, there were other reasons too) in my decision to hand my notice in. It was a small office so I couldn't make an excuse as they checked all the dates with everyone before they booked it, I couldn't be busy every day! I just wish people would go out if they want to and leave those who don't fancy it alone.

My boss and I fell out over the question of alcohol. Basically we were going to go out and make cocktails, that bit was fine, but then just go onto the pub. So a colleague said she'd order in pizzas before we went to do the cocktails and he said there was no budget. So I said I needed to eat something and would just go home after the cocktails as it was a Thursday night, next day was normal working day and I get horrible hangovers. I probably wasn't very tactful because I didn't want to go anyway. He went mad with me for being miserable about Christmas. So I did the usual weasly thing of saying I was sorry if he was upset but I wasn't sorry about what I'd said, it still stood that we needed food if we were drinking alcohol.

He backed down and we went out for a meal after the cocktails.

But such a load of nonsense over nothing!