To not want to go to a colleague's home?

[Xmasspirit]

It was recently announced that my team's Christmas party will be a dinner at a junior female colleague's place, where she and other junior female colleagues will cook for the team. The team dynamics is not great and I've had mental health issues on account of bullying and inappropriate sexist remarks at work. I am having panic attacks when thinking about the party and having to go to this person's home. WWYD?

It is actually a work event during working hours and the company contributes financially Then book the day off work because you have to take Aunt Sharon to a medical appointment. Or just be off sick.

Then have an informal lunch somewhere with the colleagues you want to celebrate with.

I don't want to invent an excuse for several reasons: it will be too transparent and actually offensive, it would not help other colleagues who feel the same but are afraid to protest and, finally, it helps the bullies win and further supports patriarchy now in the eyes of the younger colleagues

I think maybe the way round this one is:

1. Don't go - too stressful for you. Make whatever excuse seems appropriate (whether a pre-emptive one now, or a last minute one)

1. Offer to be the person who can 'rescue' the people you like / those that you manage with an emergency phone call once they've been there for an hour or so. You've got a bit of time to find numbers for mini cab companies [and it might be that the others who you think will find this difficult are drivers who'd decide to drive for ease of making a quick getaway]

1. Say something to your fellow managers about the importance of ensuring there are soft drinks as well as alcohol available - pregnancy, recovering alcoholics, families of alcoholics, medication, people who are Muslim or Mormon. This is definitely an equality/inclusion/diversity point.

1. Wait until after the party has happened - get feedback from those you like/trust and then early next year, before anyone could legitimately be planning another work social event, start the conversation about the need for official work social events to be in neutral spaces not people's homes.

No way ho-zay

What is this?

So you don't want to just not go, you're determined to wreck the party for those who do want to go?

I'm a little about this 'bullying', tbh, because I have encountered people who come across rather like OP before. They have to make everything about them and their virtue-signalling, which very often takes the form of speaking 'on behalf of' other people who either disagree with the virtue-signaller or would prefer to speak for themselves. And anything less than tearstained awe and gratitude for the person's 'bravery' and wokeness is 'bullying'...

I'm not clear on what the problem is.

Is that there is institutional sexism and bullying that are seeking to redress on behalf of more junior colleagues?

Or is it that you are being bullied by these junior colleagues?

Are you asking for advice on how to get out of this party? Or asking for advice on how to get it held somewhere else?

And perhaps bear in mind the nationalities involved - not all social norms are the same anyway (just to make things more complicated re drama queens).

Judging from how many people have been supportive (thank you everyone!) I am not being a drama queen. I don't require any further advice. Thanj you everyone again.

And to SGB ... wow... I do admire your ability to make such strong judgements goung on so little information. Bless you

Completely agree with @ReanimatedSGB

"Bullying"? Is it really though? Or is OP desperate to prove her point because she's got a bee in her bonnet?

You're having nightmares OP and you see this junior female colleagues face in them, you have seen your GP about it etc but now it's about senior male colleagues being consulted but not you. To be honest you don't sound the type that I'd want to approach to discuss the Christmas party with. Mostly for fear of putting my foot in it and bring the subject of your next attempt at a "claim".

I almost didn't get past the hygiene certificates though 😂😂🤷🏽‍♀️

of course I am difficult to work with. I stand up for inclusion and equality. I take exception to bullying and sexism and believe that everyone should be treated respectfully. Many prefer the old way: women cook, men call the shots. If you don't like it you resign or look for excuses not to join
I think I love you @Xmasspirit keep being difficult

"Judging from how many people have been supportive (thank you everyone!) I am not being a drama queen. I don't require any further advice. Thanj you everyone again."

The way I read it it's fairly split! You are absolutely being a drama queen and seem to want to make a rod for your own back. Pretend it is to benefit those junior to you. Pretend it is to be their "voice" if you must. But "everyone" here did not agree with you.

Yes the hostess is part of the bullying clique. She is trying to get on by sucking up to her sexist boss and although she is not a bully she is an accessory to bullying - she triggers panic attacks and I see her in my nightmares. The party will not be fun for others either.

Does the actual bully trigger panic attacks or just the young (female) underling?

OP,I think some members of your team have arrived.?

I'd hate this.

What will the male colleagues be doing while young females are cooking?

I went to a family party where the females were all cooking/laying out food.
At the end, my mother got up to tidy up and nudged me to do the same.

The men were drinking and lounging about as my mother weaved in and out of tables.

It is normal in DH's company to do a fair amount of hosting in people's houses, including team Xmas meals.
This has been the case regardless of the sex of the boss, which has been different in different times and places.
You don't have to attend anything you are uncomfortable with but it sounds as though this particular culture isn't a good fit for you and you might be happier in another job.

It all sounds a bit Abigail's Party to me...

I 100% would not go, don't feel guilty for it.

Never mind the bullies this sounds like a bloody nightmare anyway. Junior female staff cooking for others makes them sound like they are going to skivvies for everyone else.

What will they be wearing? Perhaps something to please the men like little Santa outfits with plenty of leg and tits on show?

Dare I ask what the junior male staff are doing?

It seems like there are two separate issues here.

The first being your anxiety about being in the home of one particular individual. As someone who suffers from Severe social anxiety, this is really your issue and I don’t think the company is responsible for helping you manage it by planning a party you don’t feel stressful. Every year I have to force myself to attend my department’s annual gathering. It’s pure torture for me, but I know that is my issue.

The inherent sexism in this plan is really more concerning. I have been to work events at colleagues homes in every job I have had as an adult. Those events were always in the homes of the highest ranked employee. The boss needs to be the one officially hosting or there is just too much opportunity for it to seem/actually be inappropriate. Now, sometimes those bosses have been men and sometimes women, it really didn’t matter because they were the boss. The actual logistical work of the parties was always done by the bosses administrative assistant. In over two decades in the workplace, those AAs have always been women (which obviously is not a coincidence), but planning this type of event fell well within their job description. It really isn’t appropriate to have a junior female employee whose job doesn’t normally include managing logistics for others to be planning and hosting this sort of event.

Though it's a hobby group rather than a work group, I know someone who always cooks the annual 'team dinner'. Because this person really, genuinely, loves cooking for groups of people (but doesn't want to do it for a living as that would take the fun out of it.) I wonder if the person hosting this party is a similar type rather than just an 'oppressed woman obeying the patriarchy.'

I’m confused by your post. These people are your direct reports and has the bullying/sexism been directed at you or between themselves? Either way, surely as their boss you have taken steps to make sure they understand that their behaviour is not tolerated in the workplace? These types of behaviours are grounds for disciplinary actions.

I think if you step up as their boss and sort out the disfunction in the team you manage then you won’t care where the Christmas party is held.

Whose idea was it and who in your company agreed to it? It seems such a bizarre and sexist thing to do. Is it just the female junior members doing the cooking, or are their junior men as well?

I would suggest an alternative on the basis that the junior members of the team need a proper Christmas celebration too. Which it won't be if they are stressed out cooking for the senior members of the team. I doubt they can be 'required' to do this.

I've got to be honest, I haven't read the whole thread. But ITS A CHISTMAS PARTY! You CAN dip out.
I see there is a patriarchy, is this something you have to be responsible for? Or, can the others look after themselves?
You are not the mother
And you have every right to dip out.
As for suggesting a different place, if the patriarchy is that entrenched, it may be easier to not suggest alternatives. Let them get on with it.
As for coming up with an excuse, well come to me, I LOVE lying and do quite well.