To not want to go to a colleague's home?

[Xmasspirit]

It was recently announced that my team's Christmas party will be a dinner at a junior female colleague's place, where she and other junior female colleagues will cook for the team. The team dynamics is not great and I've had mental health issues on account of bullying and inappropriate sexist remarks at work. I am having panic attacks when thinking about the party and having to go to this person's home. WWYD?

Christmas party where the company financially contributes makes it a company event. All behaviours should be appropriate. I would suggest to HR that party, alcohol and at someone's home makes a potential perfect storm.

Especially as it's within working hours.

That's a weird xmas party! Never heard of a company party at a staff members house.

I'm confused as to when it is

In one breath its during work hours and then suddenly you cant get home because its evening with lack of ubers etc?

Why cant you drive there? Giving you an easy way to leave. No need to drink as you are driving.

Are the hosts showing receipts to prove use of company money and they arent pocketing a nice profit for themselves? Obviously taking into consideration electric, gas etc.

Do they live In the mccallisters house which is why it's a great venue? Or are they in a 2 bed flat and there only 6 of you in the team?

You're desperately looking for reasons to object so far you've said: the host is a bully; others aren't happy; there's no hygiene certificate; it's sexist. That scattergun approach won't help.

If you weren't included in the decision-making process then you don't know if the decision to host was sexist. If you should have been included in the decision-making process then you could couch your disquiet around those terms.

I do think the easiest way to get out of it is to arrange a meeting/event when it's scheduled to happen. You don't need to announce it in advance as you don't want to create a massive drama about a Christmas social.

It is during work hours but these things usually run well into the night. I don't drive and not drinking at these kind of events would be seen as very odd.

And no, I am not scuttegun at all and I've consistent from the start: there has been team tensions and sexist remarks, involving my direct reports and me, and I was not consulted on this strange decision. Hygiene was not my point, although I acknowledge its validity I won't use it.

It's a ridiculous idea, very one-sided in favour of the host and her cronies.

The more you post, the more it starts to sound as though maybe you are the problem. While it's an odd set up, the fact that you are incapable of just making an excuse and not going, but seem determined to stop the event taking place, suggests that you might be rather difficult to work with if you don't get your own way.

I think it's totally inappropriate to have a Christmas party hosted in someone's house. If I was in your shoes where there are existing issues with some colleagues, there is no way in hell I'd go. It's not as if you can slip away unnoticed as you could at a pub or restaurant. Not sure if you should aim to cancel it but if other colleagues are not going then it says a lot about the general feeling about the event.

Just fake someone's death. Nothing too obvious like a parent but a grandparent or Aunt should do it.

Or someone is taken ill.

I can come up with many more suggestions for useful lies if these don't work

Of course I am difficult to work with. I stand up for inclusion and equality. I take exception to bullying and sexism and believe that everyone should be treated respectfully. Many prefer the old way: women cook, men call the shots. If you don't like it you resign or look for excuses not to join.

I would definitely go down the gender disparity route. And I would put my foot down. You are senior to them. I'm sure it's difficult but you need to find your inner cat. www.alchemyformanagers.co.uk/topics/HMX7qzwgWZee8Sp3.html

Just don’t go, what a circus
Clearly you don’t want to go
Say you’ll go then don’t tell them you were quite unwell whatever
I don’t go to either Christmas do as I don’t have childcare. I’d really like to go though.
We get a choice though and every one agrees one of 3 locations/menu and there are 50 staff.

Forget hygiene - if you really want to complain ask if the company’s public liability covers an employers home.

That said, I’m not quite sure of your motives here. Surely even if the venue is moved these people will still be at the event so you’re not immune from them. Also if they’re catering they will be getting on with that job, not be interfering with you.

Why won't you just pretend that you're poorly on the day?

I would say that I have another event already booked for that evening but I can make the work event for a couple of hours. (You say that this event is to be held during working hours but then runs over, so I'm guessing it's lunch that runs through the afternoon and into the evening). Arrive slightly late (sorry, busy, couldn't get away) so that things are underway when you get there. Take a bottle or flowers (so generous of you!), be a delightful positive presence for an hour or two, then quietly get your coat, tell your host: 'So sorry I've got to leave your wonderful party, fraid I've got to move on to my next event' and leave. You'll have done your bit without too much stress.

Call in sick that day.
Fuck that shit now.

What a weird idea for an Xmas party. Put yourself first OP and don't go

Fyi all the posters saying 'get another job' - please get your head out of your arses . You don't know OPs situation in detail and it isn't that easy at all to just get another job in many fields, particularly in the current climate - breathtaking ignorance

You may stand up for inclusion and equality but what you are doing here isn't that. Instead you're trying to force your will on everyone else (which is the opposite of inclusion) and stopping other women making their choices because you disagree with them (that's not supportive of equality).

Your company may be awful and sexist and your colleague may be bullying. The way to address those issues isn't through a passive aggressive attempt to derail the Christmas party.

If you're a senior manager who should have been consulted then you call a meeting with the other managers and say this Christmas idea is inappropriate and suggest that they return to the format of previous celebrations. If you do not have enough seniority to do that, then you formally document your unhappiness in writing to your manager/the other managers citing the problem of creating a precedent which may pressure female employees.

You started this thread saying you didn't want to go to the party because you were having panic attacks about it. If that's the real reason and all the rest of this is just an attempt to justify your unhappiness . . .you don't need to go.

OP, you have more to worry about here than a Christmas party. If you are having panic attacks you need to do something about your anxiety. Have you spoken to your GP?

If your workplace is that toxic, you need to address it or move on. You can't just stay and let things go on as they are.

I feel there's an element of catastrophising here which feels like your mental health needs to be focused on more than anything else.

Just don't go!! These things aren't mandatory.

'Yes the hostess is part of the bullying clique. She is trying to get on by sucking up to her sexist boss and although she is not a bully she is an accessory to bullying - she triggers panic attacks and I see her in my nightmares. The party will not be fun for others either.'

Op without a doubt don't go. I would just shrug it off and even if it is in work hours say you've other work commitments, make vague excuses. To ask that it is cancelled would be weird imo.

If you see her in your nightmares then this whole thing needs sorting but in the short term, forget the party.

Yes, I have GP and a whole host of professionals involved. I do brlieve a neutral place, where everyone is a guest, where you have lots of places to hide during a panic attack and where you can slip out at any time would be more appropriate.

I thought I had addressed the work place culture and that's why this decision came out of the blue.
Enough people on this thread said that they would be uncomfortable too, so I know IANBU and will now take the next step.

And yes, I know a place with a private room that would happily take us even at such short notice...

Do you ask to see a hygiene rating every time you go to someone's house and have something to eat there?

No, if it's purely a social event. However, this is an official work event, in work time, which the company is paying for. It's not just going round to a friend's for a meal. In which case, the employer is liable and the question is relevant.

I think a lot depends on your level of seniority here.

If you are senior enough to influence the person in control of the decision, then a professional way forward would be to do as you've suggested above - go to the decision maker, explain that there has been some tension within and between teams as part of the workplace culture, and that singling out one person's home as the venue could be divisive, whereas different teams would feel more at ease in a neutral venue.