To not want to go to a colleague's home?

[Xmasspirit]

It was recently announced that my team's Christmas party will be a dinner at a junior female colleague's place, where she and other junior female colleagues will cook for the team. The team dynamics is not great and I've had mental health issues on account of bullying and inappropriate sexist remarks at work. I am having panic attacks when thinking about the party and having to go to this person's home. WWYD?

It's a work Christmas party, though. Why shouldn't she be able to go? Having it in one of the junior's houses will alter the dynamics.

Is your company big enough to have an HR department? Or don't you want to go to them? I'd check the price of the alternative restaurant you want to offer and ask HR if it could be done on a vote, since you say a number of people feel like you - they don't want to be in (say) Peckham when ubering or taxiing home will be a problem however kind the cooking offer is.

I don’t understand a workplace where you can simultaneously be senior enough for your presence to be mandatory but not senior enough to be able to have a say in what happens?

Thank you everyone both for support, love and also the challenge. I think I've made my mind and this was hugely useful.

I don't think I should share details of bullying, my team structure and my mental health. That would not be necessary and I won't be justifying myself any further.

I've learnt a lot today. Thank you!!

Do you think the idea of having the do at the colleague's house is a passive aggressive way of getting at you and others who have been target of the bullying, asserting superiority?

I don't want to invent an excuse for several reasons: it will be too transparent and actually offensive, it would not help other colleagues who feel the same but are afraid to protest and, finally, it helps the bullies win and further supports patriarchy now in the eyes of the younger colleagues

What DO you want, OP?

I don’t mean to be unkind, but your posts seem quite contradictory. On one hand, you feel you are too senior to have not been consulted and that this is sexism. However, your suggested solution in more than one post has been to ‘insist’ this party does not happen. With the best will in the world, if they didn’t consult you before making the decision, why would they reverse it because you ‘insist’?

Just don't go, it's not compulsory after all. You can make an excuse.

It seems an odd sort of arrangement, most people go out to a restaurant or have a party in the work place.

Whether you choose to go or not op - I can’t quite get my head around the whole thing.

I can’t imagine that the “junior females” (horrid description), were tasked with this. More likely woman A offered then perhaps women B said “I’ll help to cook”.

You feel you have to “protect your team from sexism” - not really sure how changing the venue from a woman’s house to a restaurant meets with this?

Also, how do you know others aren’t comfortable- have they told you this, or re you making assumptions on their behalf?

All in all, it’s impossible to tell if YABU or not.

@ReanimatedSGB I think we are reading different threads! The OP has said there's a bullying culture. She's said one of the women who wants to host is involved in this. She's said several others are very unhappy about the meal. It's obvious that bullying is easier in someone's home than out in public as there's no way you can get away. She also doesn't want young junior women catering for the older staff.

Why do you think she's an attention seeking drama queen?