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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL visiting our newborn and wanted to stay for 5 days! AIBU

206 replies

TeenyQueen · 05/11/2019 22:26

DH and I have an amazing newborn in the house. Things are going well, obviously I'm quite tired because I'm breastfeeding. DH told me today that his mum has booked train tickets to stay with us for nearly a week in just over a week's time. I had a really difficult labour and I'm recovering from a c section, as well as being on antibiotics for suspected sepsis ( I basically crashed after surgery). I have nothing against mil visiting but I suggested 2-3 days max and I was really upset to find out she was going to stay for so long. MIL is nice enough but she's very awkward socially and she barely speaks English so I find it difficult to communicate with her. DH thought that she could help me when he goes back to work but honestly I will find her being here more stressful than anything. She's basically going to sit and watch me bf for most of the day, she won't be going to shops or doing anything actually helpful like that because she's extremely shy and doesn't like to go anywhere by herself. It's actually a very big deal for her to get the train here by herself and I'm glad she wants to see her grandchild, I just don't want to be responsible for entertaining her whilst I'm getting used to my lovely baby and trying to rest and recover. DH thinks I'm being disrespectful towards his mum by saying this and he got really upset but honestly the only thing I want to focus on is me and the baby (and DH of course)

OP posts:
Original poster
TeenyQueen · 05/11/2019 22:28

Forgot to mention that we do have a cleaner who comes to the house twice a week so I don't need any help with housework. I suggested that sh

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 05/11/2019 22:31

Give her plenty to do. Keep her busy. She can do all the housework and cooking, watch the baby while you shower and catch up on some sleep. She’s probably expecting to do all that anyway. Turn it to your advantage.

HollowTalk · 05/11/2019 22:31

She's done it now, OP, and I think you'd cause more problems if you forced her out after a few days.

Could you go to feed the baby in your bedroom (to give some space from her)?

It really is handy having someone around, especially if you're bathing the baby or trying to eat your dinner when they're crying.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/11/2019 22:32

Does she like to cook? Perhaps you could have her make a bunch of meals to freeze. That said, your husband was out of order for not discussing this with you first.

Delatron · 05/11/2019 22:37

God I’d hate this. OP has said she won’t help and it will cause her stress as the MIL will sit around watching her breastfeed.

She can change her train tickets surely. Even a couple of days is plenty and your husband should have asked you before this was arranged.

Don’t let it affect these precious first weeks with your baby. Put your foot down.

PanamaPattie · 05/11/2019 22:40

DH can make up the guest room. He can buy the extra food. Go to your bedroom when you want to feed your baby. MIL will soon get the hint and hopefully won't follow you.

Overdueanamechange · 05/11/2019 22:41

It isn't ideal (I would hate this), but to insist on a short visit may upset and offend her now. It doesn't sound like you are close, particularly with the language barrier, but remember she has been in your shoes as a new mum herself so wants to help, and perhaps this is a
bonding opportunity for the two of you.

Nightmanagerfan · 05/11/2019 22:41

I would have absolutely hated this. You might need someone’s help but it sounds very awkward. How does your DH think it’s going to work? You will need someone to bring you tea/food/remote
Control etc but if she’s not up to popping to the shop I’m not sure how it’s going to help to be honest

parietal · 05/11/2019 22:42

she can do laundry and make cups of tea for you. don't even try to entertain her, if she sits on her own for an hour or two, so be it.

MrsP2015 · 05/11/2019 22:43

Agree with delatron.

You won't get this time back and it's precious first days bonding with your baby.

If you don't say something now, believe me you'll get this for the foreseeable future. Who in their right mind books tickets without even asking mum if it's ok????

I would still let her come but tell her in advance it's not up for discussion and you're only wanting 2-3 days.
When she's there I'd take yourself off in another room to bf/ bond saying you want alone time.

Honestly I've seen things like this loads and you need to say something now or her and dh will always continue to over rule you.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 05/11/2019 22:44

I agree, thank her so much for helping then give her tasks- cooking, folding laundry, washing up, holding the baby while you shower etc. All this stuff still needs done.

Your husband should have checked with you how long she was staying for though so make sure that a. He will do so in future and b. He will speak to his mum if you are having to entertain her and host her, as this is a negative rather than positive or neutral impact on you and not fair when you're recovering

Delatron · 05/11/2019 22:47

How is she going to give her tasks if she can’t speak English? Point at the washing machine? I’m sure the OP will end up being polite and running round after her and trying to entertain her. Which will affect her recovery and her bond with her baby at this crucial time. Those things are the most important! Not bonding with MIL.

She’s already said she won’t be helpful and won’t leave the house.

HugoSpritz · 05/11/2019 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyOtherProfile · 05/11/2019 22:51

How far is she travelling? Will dh be at home much of the time? Are your parents visiting? If so how long for?

Lenny1980 · 05/11/2019 22:57

I was really grateful to have people around when DH went back to work post my c section. People to make sure I was fed and watered, and the laundry was done when i couldn’t carry the laundry basket up and down the stairs. Hold baby when I showered. Take baby out for a walk to let me sleep. Unpack the online food delivery. Lots of stuff.

AskMeHow · 05/11/2019 22:58

I'm sorry OP.

I agree with others it may cause more issues in the long term if you say no now, despite not being consulted in the first place.

However, your DH needs to be 100% clear your will not be doing one iota of hosting while MIL stays. You will not be making her cups of tea, or catering in any way. Instead either him (by way of making you a packed lunch in the morning and/or cooking in the evening) or MIL will be doing everything necessary to keep the house running and you and your baby happy.

LilyPinkNoah · 05/11/2019 23:02

Is it cultural - I say this as in many cultures the MIL is expected/will help - like a second mother. For example my friend who is Indian - her MIL stayed with her - cooked, cleaned - helped with baby. Made this amazing ground nuts/flour butter mix for her energy levels.

Often having experienced older women around to help pass on tips - just help isn't a bad thing. She will be so looking forward to it and it's good for you all I think.

VeThings · 05/11/2019 23:05

5 days is a long time.

Your DH can make it easier by talking to MIL beforehand what he wants for his wife and DS - making it clear that he’s after help with cooking, cleaning kitchen, hanging clothes out to dry, etc. He needs to Make sure that she understands that you’re not going to be in any position to host and that you both need her help

Also agree with DH about how he is going to be when she’s there. Eg no late nights sitting up talking - he needs to be helping you with baby and getting as much sleep as he can.

PanamaPattie · 05/11/2019 23:11

I suggest feeding the baby in the bedroom because the OP may be very uncomfortable BF in front of MIL's potentially critical eye.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 05/11/2019 23:13

Wow - I'd HATE this!
Just tell him to think about how much he would like to spend a week with YOUR mum, esp if communication isn't easy. Personally. I would refuse, he should have checked with you first. This early stage is so precious, I'd be raging - and I would insist on 2 nights MAX.

Cornishclio · 05/11/2019 23:13

If you have had a c section presumably you cannot lift things or drive at the moment so she may be helpful for that. Whilst I can understand you may not have chosen this she may be really useful and you can always absent yourself to the bedroom. Having someone to hold the baby while you shower or for them to make you a cup of tea while you are feeding or cook you dinner may be something she could do.

WagtailRobin · 05/11/2019 23:14

Would you feel the same if it was your mum (one of your close family members), would you not want her/them staying as long?

If the answer is yes, then no you are not being unreasonable but if the answer is no, you are being unreasonable.

KenDodd · 05/11/2019 23:14

God I'd hate this.
I'd stay in bed with the baby (in a cot) for the whole time. If she really wants to help she can make food to bring up to you. In reality, you'll probably end up doing extra cooking/cleaning/shopping, make chat you don't want to, get up and down getting her things then have to strip her bed and wash the sheets when she goes.
And people will say 'isn't it nice your mil came down to help you'.

KenDodd · 05/11/2019 23:18

I remember my mum booked open ended train tickets to come and stay before my first was born so she could 'help' and be there for the birth. She wouldn't take no for an answer so I arranged to go stay with a friend 200 miles away at nine month pregnant to get away from her.

MadCattery · 05/11/2019 23:19

My MIL came for a week after each of my babies and I was so glad! I was also EBF and after feeding, she would watch the baby while I showered, or napped. She was helpful with cooking and if I needed to leave the house for anything, she would sit in the back seat to watch the baby.. It's ok to BF in front of people! It's what breasts are made for. (My MIL was in the delivery room, and saw a lot more than breasts!)