MIL visiting our newborn and wanted to stay for 5 days! AIBU

[TeenyQueen]

DH and I have an amazing newborn in the house. Things are going well, obviously I'm quite tired because I'm breastfeeding. DH told me today that his mum has booked train tickets to stay with us for nearly a week in just over a week's time. I had a really difficult labour and I'm recovering from a c section, as well as being on antibiotics for suspected sepsis ( I basically crashed after surgery). I have nothing against mil visiting but I suggested 2-3 days max and I was really upset to find out she was going to stay for so long. MIL is nice enough but she's very awkward socially and she barely speaks English so I find it difficult to communicate with her. DH thought that she could help me when he goes back to work but honestly I will find her being here more stressful than anything. She's basically going to sit and watch me bf for most of the day, she won't be going to shops or doing anything actually helpful like that because she's extremely shy and doesn't like to go anywhere by herself. It's actually a very big deal for her to get the train here by herself and I'm glad she wants to see her grandchild, I just don't want to be responsible for entertaining her whilst I'm getting used to my lovely baby and trying to rest and recover. DH thinks I'm being disrespectful towards his mum by saying this and he got really upset but honestly the only thing I want to focus on is me and the baby (and DH of course)

Completely the right thing to to OP.

Ignore those on here who are projecting what THEY would like. You clearly have been managing fine without someone ‘holding the baby’ while you shower! You know MIL and what the visit would be like. I can’t believe there have been posters on here telling you how you should feel and what you should want.

If, after giving birth you want to see nobody for a few weeks then that is fine! I know what you mean about a lovely little ‘bubble’.

You obviously wouldn’t feel comfortable breastfeeding around her so you’d be locked in your room most of the day. But apparently that is fine according to some on here! Unbelievable. And of course being stressed and having to entertain will affect the bond with the baby and ruin these first weeks. And possibly your relationship with MIL.

Well done, Op.

I know that lots of people like it to be just the three of them whilst the husband is off work., but it sounds as though MIL visiting before your husband was back at work would have been better as at least he would have been there to "entertain" her.

In the first days of having my first baby I went to breastfeed in my bedroom and my mother-in-law followed me in there, said the baby wasn't latching properly, took her off me and said that she needed burping while she was screaming to be fed

I'm sorry op that you seem to be embarking on a life of motherhood with a mother-in-law who is similarly uninterested in your own comfort and feelings.

it is now a decade later and and I have never really forgiven her for how she acted in those early days and

I would set the tone for the whole visit by being in bed looking wan, wearing a lovely nightie with the baby beside you in the cot or Moses basket as MIL arrives. Murmur weakly ‘ Oh, it’s so lovely to see you MIL. I’m so weak and in so much pain and whilst DH does his best, men just don’t understand what we women go through do they. I’m so glad you are here to help out for a few days’ and then fall back on your pillows exhausted. If you can squeeze out a tear or two it would add to the general effect.

Then stay in bed for the week. Let chaos reign downstairs if it must, you are far too delicate and poorly to do anything but rest and feed your baby. You can cry out weakly for a cup of tea or something to eat from time to time.

To make sure this plan works perfectly you will need to ensure you have access to lots of in room entertainment including DVDs and books. If you have backup bottles or formula in the house make sure they can’t be found - you don’t want MIL helpfully giving the baby a top up feed. And have plenty of snacks stashed away in your room so if you just want peace and quiet you aren’t having to rely on MIL bringing room service. If MIL tries to take the baby away for too long, hobble ostentatiously downstairs and reclaim him/her perhaps faking a few muted sobs and groans. Make the most of an opportunity to lie in bed with your baby while someone else picks up the slack.

If MIL is as shy as you say she will probably cope better in your home if you are upstairs and out of sight than she does when you are with her and feeling useful might boost her confidence. Don’t underestimate the potential bonding in the two of you both loving that baby.

While I accept all of OP’s and the PP’s points about the inconvenience of this visit, I can’t help feeling very sorry for MIL.
By your account she has had a bloody hard life, she is quiet, shy and unassertive. And struggling with a language barrier.
Why not take this golden opportunity to extend a hand of friendship and bond with this woman over your shared love of your child/grandchild?
I can imagine how hurt she would feel, after bravely leaving her comfort zone to make a train journey in a country where she can’t speak the language, to turn up on her son’s doorstep only to be cold shouldered by her DIL.
I absolutely understand that you are pissed off, OP. But please, have a little humanity for this poor woman. And the goodwill to try and meet her halfway and make it work. Bless you both- I hope it’s the start of a good relationship.

Yanbu to be upset,your DH should have discussed this with you first.
However if she normally doesn't like going out alone it's obviously a huge deal for her to come down by train alone to visit and I think it shows how important you all are to her. Will days 1 and 5 mainly be traveling days? I hope for your sake they are.
Both my DM and DMIL came to stay ( at different times) when my DC were born. Tbh they werent much practical use, wanted to hold the baby while I ran round making cups of tea but some of my friends mums were brilliant, batch cooking, cleaning , ironing, etc. hopefully your DMIlL will fall into the second category ! Don't think you can do.much about it now , hopefully it won't be too bad, if youve just had a c section you might be grateful for the help.

My mum came for a week when DD came home. It was a godsend.

My mum came for a week when DD came home. It was a godsend.

completely irrelevant to the thread.

A good reason not to take this opportunity to extend the hand of friendship is because OP is recovering from major surgery and has a newborn to care for. Its not the ideal time for friendship initiatives.

My mum came for a week when DD came home. It was a godsend.

Were you asked at any point prior to her coming, or were you just told this?

You and your mum speak the same language I assume. The big difference being alone for hours you can have a chat with. Unlike sitting in awkward silence because you cannot understand each other.

Things might be going fine right now, but babies grow and develop quickly so in a few days you might not have such an easy baby that allows you to do everything without help. Mine was easy peasy for the first 3 weeks, then 'woke up' in week 4, which meant a LOT more holding to sleep, screaming in the bassinet and cluster feeding (aka sitting on the sofa for hours not being able to get up for a drink, food or a wee, let alone a shower).

She sounds inconvenient but here's your opportunity you set the scene. Do nothing to host her, make a list of jobs that your dh can relay to her. Including the use of your appliances!

I hope your c section recovery is going well and that baby continues to be a dreamy one

And any bonding, friendships building or whatever would be so much easier if the visit was during the weekend.
Regardless of how much help she might be, they cannot bloody talk to each other. HE needs to be there for whatever bonding crap the op and mil are supposed to do over a short time.

The mil won't even be able to ask how the baby slept.
The op won't be able to tell her.

So how does it benefit anyone other than when the baby is awake she can hold him and change dirty nappies?

So she was getting broken into, called your dh and he rushed round? She can't live that far off then so why is she even coming overnight?

And quite frankly if I went to someones home, regardless of if they have children or not and I was given a huge list of 'chores' to do, I would find that insulting and leave.

I may be coming to help out, but I'm not fucking staff.

Mums can do loads of things even with a baby. We can piss, shower, makes cups of tea, lunches etc. We aren't some delicate little flowers who shouldn't be lifting a finger.

And of course, there's dad. He should be involved in the daily running of their home and taking care of the mother of his child and his child. Not giving someone a fucking list of chores to do on arrival.

You say your mil speaks another language. Is there any chance you can find some YouTube movies in her language and put it on TV for her.... At least you would feel she was occupied so u could get on with what you want to do.

Op you are a star imo. 3 days? 3 hours for alot of us is 3 hours too long.
Nc with mil for nearly 5 years of peaceful bliss..

@ThatMuppetShow

Who the actual fuck wants to have a bath and go for a little walk around the block when they have a new born? Absolutely ridiculous. Some of us like to be with our babies and don't need someone else to bloody "cuddle' them.

You do realise that you can put a newborn in his bed for awhile, and you have plenty of time to go to the loo and have a shower or bath if you really want one anyway?*

Er, well me actually and there's no need to be so rude. Everyone's experience is different. I love being with my baby too but my god I needed a few minutes to myself in the early days and I found it hard when my husband went back to work. My baby cried unless someone was holding her and I loved having visitors so I could do the things I mentioned. Shock horror that not everyone feels like you.

Mums can do loads of things even with a baby. We can piss, shower, makes cups of tea, lunches etc.

A CS is major abdominal surgery. Major enough that it requires taking Tramadol in the aftermath and disqualifies you from driving for six weeks. And lifting the baby to feed her or him is a real logistical problem - albeit it's doable (I know this as I've done it in precisely the same circumstances). But a walk in the park it ain't. Whatever the scenario, it should be her choice as to whether she's willing to entertain visitors for a whole five days, or whether she's simply not up to making lunches and cups of tea, which under these circumstances is not at all unreasonable.

And of course, there's dad. He should be involved in the daily running of their home and taking care of the mother of his child and his child.

Well, here I do agree, and this for me would be the crux of the problem. The DH is aware of OP's condition yet is apparently happy to lay even more chores at her door, expect that she'll do them, and apparently not even consider taking them upon himself. It doesn't sound as though it's the MiL who has this inflated sense of expectation at all. Glad to hear the OP has put her foot down in whatever way necessary to ease the burden with her, but to coin a well-worn Mumsnet phrase, this particular issue is a DH problem.

Daffodil2018

but yes Everyone's experience is different.
Shock horror that not everyone feels like you.

that was exactly my point, which many posters on here are completely missing. Who cares what THEY wanted and how THEY organise themselves, it doesn't apply to everybody.

I genuinely have no opinion about having a bath post-surgery! Couldn't care either way!

Who the actual fuck wants to have a bath and go for a little walk around the block when they have a new born?

Or try getting out of the bath freshly after a CS (that's if it's even advisable to have one, with all those germs). Ouch. Or, quite likely, impossible.

Amazing how when you're a new mum everyone else seems to think they 'know' what you want, and tries to make that decision for you.

OP, your comfort should be that it won't last.

OP might want to spend 10 minutes lying on her back staring at the ceiling in silence for all I know, I was just making the point that sometimes an extra pair of hands is useful.

In any case OP I see from your update that your MIL is not likely to be a big help. Well done on getting it down to 3 days.

@TeenyQueen - I'm after seeing your update at 09:04 today and I think you've definitely done the right thing here.

What I don't get is why so many husbands think that it is appropriate for them to select a nominated representative for them when they return to work? They must think "I'm going back to work in a weeks time, so who can I get to be my stand-in while I'm at work? Oh I know, I'll get my mum to visit for an extended period of time".
Do they actually ask their wife "Would you like it if Mum came down for a visit? How long do you think would be good for the first visit? When do you think she should visit again as she'll be back on to me about it?" and actually open a conversation so that it is a joint decision on who visits and when and for how long and where they stay.

Mind boggling!

Daffodil2018 how is relevant how you felt? The OP doesn’t want the help of her MIL so how felt after you gave birth in a completely different situation is not helpful to the thread.

Oh my god. What is Mumsnet for if not for offering different perspectives? I haven't been rude or forceful to OP, on the contrary I have tried to be supportive and helpful. I thought that was the point of a discussion board?

Sorry for derailing your thread OP.

I know how difficult it can be after major abdominal surgery.
The recovery process includes avoiding some certain things for x amount of weeks (my last surgery I was advised 10 weeks).
I asked for clarification about this, washing was fine well before the weeks were up. It's not the actual loading of the machine. It's about carrying the washing and bending over, which regardless you should bend at your knees anyway. It's about pulling things out of the washer.

A part of the healing process is to move around, so providing the kettle isn't too full it's fine. You can make a cuppa.

Driving the recommended time is 4 - 6 weeks to allow the wound to heal.

You are encouraged to slowly start doing 'normal everyday things.
You don't get to 6 or 10 weeks and suddenly be able to start doing these things then. You are encouraged not to overexert yourself. To listen to your body.

Yes, you can have a bath after abdominal surgery. You just don't use heavily scented stuff, natural or baby stuff is recommended. And getting out of the bath can be done if you take it slowly and make a few adjustments to how you get out. Same with when you get out of bed after surgery, up from a seat etc. To avoid infection, you can if you wish to, rinse the wound with clean water. The important bit though is to pat dry the area with something clean as it needs to be kept dry. Same with any other area that has had surgery unless you are told not to by medical people.