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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL visiting our newborn and wanted to stay for 5 days! AIBU

206 replies

TeenyQueen · 05/11/2019 22:26

DH and I have an amazing newborn in the house. Things are going well, obviously I'm quite tired because I'm breastfeeding. DH told me today that his mum has booked train tickets to stay with us for nearly a week in just over a week's time. I had a really difficult labour and I'm recovering from a c section, as well as being on antibiotics for suspected sepsis ( I basically crashed after surgery). I have nothing against mil visiting but I suggested 2-3 days max and I was really upset to find out she was going to stay for so long. MIL is nice enough but she's very awkward socially and she barely speaks English so I find it difficult to communicate with her. DH thought that she could help me when he goes back to work but honestly I will find her being here more stressful than anything. She's basically going to sit and watch me bf for most of the day, she won't be going to shops or doing anything actually helpful like that because she's extremely shy and doesn't like to go anywhere by herself. It's actually a very big deal for her to get the train here by herself and I'm glad she wants to see her grandchild, I just don't want to be responsible for entertaining her whilst I'm getting used to my lovely baby and trying to rest and recover. DH thinks I'm being disrespectful towards his mum by saying this and he got really upset but honestly the only thing I want to focus on is me and the baby (and DH of course)

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 05/11/2019 23:23

Get your dh to tell her to reduce the visit to 2 days. This would drive me mad and the lack of being able to communicate is very hard.

ThatMuppetShow · 05/11/2019 23:25

DH thinks I'm being disrespectful towards his mum by saying this

HE is being horribly disrespectful to YOU by ignoring your wishes!
I hate this disgusting attitude that the well being and wishes of a new mother do not count, because relatives feel like they have a right to meet a baby. The baby is not going anywhere, it's really shit to ignore the mother though.

It 's hard to make her change her ticket, but do not tip toe around her - go in your room for privacy, do not feel like entertaining her! You don't have to be rude and unpleasant, but you are just recovering from a major surgery. Would you expect someone in hospital after surgery to entertain visitors from their hospital bed? Of course you wouldn't, but for some unknown reasons, a c-section birth doesn't count. Hmm

You need to recover and spend time with your baby. It's not about your MIL. If she has some useful skill, that would be helpful to get her out of the way!

AdoraBell · 05/11/2019 23:25

As others have said, DH can prepare the spare room, sort out food etc and keep his mum company and support you. Hopefully your MIL will be supportive and help you with your baby. Fingers crossed she won’t expect you to be running around after her.

Congratulations on your new baby.

ThatMuppetShow · 05/11/2019 23:27

It's ok to BF in front of people! It's what breasts are made for. (My MIL was in the delivery room, and saw a lot more than breasts!)

and it's ok to not want to BF in front of other people and to horrified at the idea to have anyone else than medical professionals in the delivery room.
You are chilled about it, it's your body, but it doesn't give you the right to tell other people how they should feel.

Bluerussian · 05/11/2019 23:36

I think you may be pleasantly surprised, your mother in law will probably do quite a lot for you and not expect you to entertain her. She knows the score. The fact that she's quiet is a bonus.

Original poster
TeenyQueen · 05/11/2019 23:37

Mil is probably ok to help with cooking but obviously I'll need to show her where everything is and how everything works and she isn't proactive at all so I'll need to prompt her with everything. I also really don't feel like I need any help with housework, plus I don't want her washing my underwear etc, it takes me 2 min to do laundry so that's not something she can occupy herself with and we have a cleaner who comes twice a week. It will be the case of me trying to entertain her and find things for her to do, she won't leave the house on her own to go for a walk or pop into town, read a book etc. Dd is an extremely content baby so I'm managing to do my own cups of tea and lunch easily.

My parents are coming this weekend but they purposefully booked a nearby Airbnb so that they don't cause any extra work for us, they are only staying for 3 days eventhough they fly from abroad to see us. My parents will be more than happy to pop into town etc and will keep themselves busy. The other thing is that I really don't trust mil to handle baby, yes she has had her own babies but that was a very long time ago and dh and sil were mainly looked after by relatives as babies, dh looked after his younger siblings from the age of 7 including bottle feeding them. My parents on the other hand both look after my nephews on a weekly basis so I obviously trust them 100%. I don't feel comfortable leaving baby alone with mil, for instance she wouldn't know how to call an ambulance if something happened and she obviously can't help with feeding because I bf. Happy for her to come and see baby, not happy to have her sitting around for 5 days. Dh won't be able to finish work early so I'll be stuck with her by myself all day. That and the fact that I only understand about half of what she says so it's very difficult to have a conversation with her. Dh and I have been together for nearly 10 years so I have plenty of experience with the this. If dh was at home at least he could keep her entertained so it wouldn't all fall on me. I've explained to DH that I don't want ANYONE visiting for that long, whether it's my family or his.

OP posts:
GormlessLeech · 05/11/2019 23:46

Your priority is solely caring for your newborn and healing from major surgery. Entertaining your husbands ma is not part of it. Focus solely on these early days and feeding your newborn human, minimal moving, no stress, whatever that woman wants to do when she’s there-who cares, put her out of your mind, say you need to recover and put in earphones (not playing anything) while you feed the baby, it’s your husbands job to tend to you and his kid, his mother is not his priority either right now, he does not get to fuck off to work and leave his mother to you. Do not host her or damage your body by catering for her or cleaning. Your husband sounds thick as fuck, does he not know about women’s bodies and post pregnancy biology and the development of infants and new mothers needs? What a crap man.

GormlessLeech · 05/11/2019 23:48

If she’s there under the guise of ‘help’, her son can tell her in detail, what help she will be, because sitting on her arse wanting hosted is not help, and will not aid your recovery or bond with her. He chose this, so get him to sort it.

TwiddleMuff · 05/11/2019 23:54

I think you'll just have to deal with it this time. Everyone is right, delegate as many tasks as you can and try and turn it into a positive.

earlynightneeded · 05/11/2019 23:56

Fuck that. Tell DP he can book her a hotel or air b n b. No exceptions. She can come over during the day but if you've had enough just say you're going to bed with DC. I stayed at my mums for 2 weeks post emc and it was a life saver. But had DPs gm visit daily which I wasn't quite ready for. I used to say help yourself to tea or coffee but I'm going to bed

Butterymuffin · 05/11/2019 23:57

Isn't your husband taking any paternity leave?

PapayaCoconut · 05/11/2019 23:59

Mil is probably ok to help with cooking but obviously I'll need to show her where everything is and how everything works

Yes, sometimes having visitors is hard work. My parents are here at the moment visiting my new baby and it's a constant barrage of questions about everything from how to open/close the front door (yes, really) to what kind of travelcard they need to go into town. And they eat like birds so if I relied on them to make me food I would starve.

BackforGood · 06/11/2019 00:06

I agree, thank her so much for helping then give her tasks- cooking, folding laundry, washing up, holding the baby while you shower etc. All this stuff still needs done.

You are obviously understating in saying you can do your laundry in 2 mins, but you are forgetting that your little one will create a lot more than you have been used to having.
You won't need to 'show her where everything is' - how big is your kitchen ? Hmm I think most functioning adults are capable of opening a cupboard or drawer to find something they need to cook with.
Even without having had a C-section, it is great to have someone to help when your dh goes back to work. The fact she is giving up her time to come and do this despite the fact she isn't comfortable traveling solo etc, says a lot about her - in a positive way.
However, you sound determined to be angry about it so our answers are a bit pointless.
If she isn't proactive, then direct her / have a list.

If she likes cooking, ask her to write out a list of ingredients your dh can buy the first night, so she can do some batch cooking and stick some meals in the freezer for when she goes back - life will still be hard work in that week and the week after. Use her skills as she has kindly offered to come and help you.

TurquoiseDress · 06/11/2019 00:07

YANBU!

My DH allowed his parents to come for a month a week after DC2 was born, I was fucking fuming about it...to be honest I still am over 12 months later Blush

I too got told I was being disrespectful when I suggested they stay in an air bnb for a shorter length of time

If the tickets are booked already, it's probably too late to change plans so try to work things to your advantage and get DH to make sure she helps out as much as possible!

spookysamhainwitch · 06/11/2019 00:11

Ugh I'd hate this! My ex moved his sister and 3 of her friends in 1 week after I gave birth!! Totally wrong time for visitors. Needless to say he's an ex now.

My guests stayed for 6 weeks so I figure 5 days isn't so bad. She might be able to take you two out for morning coffee or lunch etc as I'm guessing you can't drive yet. Which might be nice for you and she might also be able to help you around the house too with washing clothes etc. even taking bubs for an hour in the morning so you could get some sleep might be helpful.

TurquoiseDress · 06/11/2019 00:13

@Delatron

Don’t let it affect those precious first few weeks with your baby. Put your foot down

Absolutely this!

The first few weeks with my baby I was a sea of rage towards my DH and it was awful trying to keep it all in and not being able to tell him what I thought of him as his parents were around us 24/7

Not the best memories of DC2 first month or so

I do so regret letting it happen like and not standing up to my DH and his parents

ffswhatnext · 06/11/2019 00:14

You were TOLD this was happening?
Why are people giving you suggestions about how to make the visit work?

Erm - you did what? Agree to someone to stay without the decency to discuss this first? Do I not live here? Does it not count what I want? Get him to call her back and tell her no, you cannot invite yourself for a visit.

She bought tickets? And, she should have asked beforehand.
Her problem if she loses money.
For all she knew you could have made plans for that week. Would you be told to change them?

Do it this one time. What's the harm 🤣 Clearly some of you haven't been around long. Once you let people do this once, there is always a next time.
Let someone cross your boundaries once, and they will it all the time. You don't enable these people. You stop them in their tracks.

TurquoiseDress · 06/11/2019 00:15

Also, it is only for 5 days so it'll be over pretty quickly quickly

But I realise that's not the point- DH didn't discuss with you before tickets were booked etc

GrumpyHoonMain · 06/11/2019 00:28

What culture is your mil from? If South Asian then it’s highly unusual for her to be there at the beginning as traditionally a dil (and the new baby) would be at the maternal parents’ house for the first 4-6 weeks.

TurquoiseDress · 06/11/2019 00:28

@ffswhatnext

This. All over, with bells on!

Wish I'd been way more assertive in my own situation

Perhaps I'd not be still stewing about things over a year down the line and feeling that my opinion doesn't get listened to by DH and doesn't seem to carry weight when it comes to his parents Hmm

ffswhatnext · 06/11/2019 00:30

Could you go to feed the baby in your bedroom
Erm why should the op alter what she does to enable someone who invited themselves?

DH thinks I'm being disrespectful towards his mum by saying this And what about his complete disregard of you?

@Lenny1980 did you invite those people to do this? Or did they come uninvited? Why couldn't your dh do some of those things like the laundry, give you time to have a shower a break etc?

plightofthealbatross · 06/11/2019 00:30

Ask your DH how he'd feel if he was getting limited amounts of sleep, had just had major surgery so had extremely limited mobility, and was breastfeeding an infant every 2-3 hours while your unhelpful mother sat and stared at him for 5 days, and you spoke different languages. You wouldn't be there for 8 - 10 hours a day to provide a buffer. Would he be comfortable and happy with that? I highly doubt it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/11/2019 00:31

" DH thought that she could help me when he goes back to work"
Pin him down on this. In what way is she going to help you? Vague answers are not acceptable. There's the language problem, the lack of proactiveness, the won't go out by herself - EXACTLY HOW IS SHE GOING TO HELP YOU? I mean, she's not even going to be company if you can't communicate!

Your parents are coming for three days and staying in a B&B. He can't claim you're favouring your parents if you insist his parent does exactly the same.

ffswhatnext · 06/11/2019 00:34

@TurquoiseDress Hopefully things have changed now for the better.

YellWat · 06/11/2019 00:35

Sounds to me like DH needs to book his mum into a hotel or Airbnb and sort this out.
You've had the baby, it's your choice how and with whom you spend this time. It is not up to you to sort this out, your DH and his mum made this mistake, they can fix it.
Horrifying.