MIL visiting our newborn and wanted to stay for 5 days! AIBU

[TeenyQueen]

DH and I have an amazing newborn in the house. Things are going well, obviously I'm quite tired because I'm breastfeeding. DH told me today that his mum has booked train tickets to stay with us for nearly a week in just over a week's time. I had a really difficult labour and I'm recovering from a c section, as well as being on antibiotics for suspected sepsis ( I basically crashed after surgery). I have nothing against mil visiting but I suggested 2-3 days max and I was really upset to find out she was going to stay for so long. MIL is nice enough but she's very awkward socially and she barely speaks English so I find it difficult to communicate with her. DH thought that she could help me when he goes back to work but honestly I will find her being here more stressful than anything. She's basically going to sit and watch me bf for most of the day, she won't be going to shops or doing anything actually helpful like that because she's extremely shy and doesn't like to go anywhere by herself. It's actually a very big deal for her to get the train here by herself and I'm glad she wants to see her grandchild, I just don't want to be responsible for entertaining her whilst I'm getting used to my lovely baby and trying to rest and recover. DH thinks I'm being disrespectful towards his mum by saying this and he got really upset but honestly the only thing I want to focus on is me and the baby (and DH of course)

And not only have the ops parents booked the air bnb, sounds like there was a conversation beforehand. It wasn't presented as a done deal. And at least in their case, even if they just announced it, they could crack on without disturbing op.
Plus they are coming to see all of them.

You would think his own mum would have wanted to spend some time with him. Strange how the tickets are booked like that. Could understand if it was over a weekend.

she's extremely shy and doesn't like to go anywhere by herself. It's actually a very big deal for her to get the train here

How is this woman going to cope with staying in a hotel by herself?

I think it's perfectly reasonable to be upset with your DH. He didn't not ask you first and that is inconsiderate.

Now that your MIL has booked, and the fact that it is only 2 days more than your 'max', I'd let it go because it is not her fault and I think that would be mean. As is your statement that you don't trust her to handle your baby.

I would start the visit how you mean for it to continue and be in the future. Show her where everything is if necessary and be totally clear, in actions if not just words, that you appreciate her help and are glad she's there to assist with a, b and c. As long as she realises from the start that you won't be entertaining her, surely that 2 extra days won't be too bad.

Also make it perfectly clear to your DH that this will not ever happen again. The making plans without consulting you, that is.

God . A charming bunch here .

She might be helpful . You just don’t know . Keep an open mind

My post operative husband was totally cool when I invited my mum (who doesn’t speak much English and isn’t great around the house) to stay with us for a week while he was home all day with our newborn and I was at work. Said no one ever.

How is it not the mils fault?
She invited herself.

Why do so many just roll over and enable other people's behaviour?

My MIL came for three months! Just remember that.

Don't be shy of telling her "MIL could you wash up please?" or whatever...she'll be relieved probably.

Who the hell books in to stay with people without asking? I’ve never understood this.

I’m sorry OP

I don’t think it’s right that she was booked to stay without speaking to you about it first, but I think you’re being a little mean about her. Saying you don’t trust her to look after baby? You haven’t said one positive thing about her so this is really because you don’t like her, which is fine, but I think now that it’s booked you should see how it goes before passing judgement. A lot of your posts are based on speculation; why not see what the reality is first?

MiL may have asked the DH, or she may have told him.

Either way, he's the one who should have had consideration for OP and should have said 2 or 3 days only.

He can still say that, and he can respect his wife who is recovering from a difficult birth instead of making demands of her.

Don’t do it OP. You’ll never get this time back, and you will regret it.

He could have made it easier because of the language barrier and asked/told her to change the tickets to the weekend. That would have been a more useful visit.

Unless she’s planning to cook, clean and help you then she can stay somewhere else

The other thing is that I really don't trust mil to handle baby
I think it's clear you don't trust your MIL full stop. Your comment about how she could cook but you would have to show her everything kind of shows that. This visit won't work because you have already started being negative about everything the woman may or may not do. She's your dh mum, I would try and give her a chance if I were you. Make her an ally not an enemy. She is coming to be with her family, including her new born grandchild.

How is it not the mils fault?
She invited herself

That is not at all clear in the OPs posts. Her DH has said OP is being 'disrespectful' towards his mother so there is every chance the DH and MIL discussed this prior to any tickets being purchased.

After being told how useless the MIL actually is, I find it difficult to accept that she would go ahead and do something like this on her own

Wagtail - most women (not me) would feel differently with their own mum. It's just the way it is and it's not unreasonable to not want someone you barely know hanging around for a week at such a time. That said it's done now and difficult to change. Follow the advice of other posters and keep her busy. She'd probably appreciate it.

Anyone who feels it ok to barge in for 5 DAYS without asking clearly has boundaries issues.

If someone wants to help after surgery, they ASK. Who cares if some posters love to have any random in their home, it's their choice - it doesn't give them a right to tell others how to feel.

With a newborn, it's luxury to be in your own home doing your own things -having a visitor can be a nightmare for many recovering mothers. It means no rest, no private space, no freedom.

It's absolutely disgusting to treat someone recovering like that - no one else has to put up with that shit.

YANBU OP. Is there any way your DH could get some more time off work during the five days to keep her entertained?

Saying MIL is barging in is quite an extrapolation.

My mum came for ten days then my in laws came for four. It was lovely and I really appreciated it and the support they wanted to give us.

For goodness sake, how does anyone know that MIL hasn’t asked? She may well have asked and DH said it was fine. Why would MIL then also call OP to check that DH was allowed to give permission for visitors?

I know people hate MILs here (I’m 34, and not one btw) but agree with a PP who said A lot of your posts are based on speculation; why not see what the reality is first?

With such a negative attitude, you might be pleasantly surprised. Of course you don’t have to entertain her, but you don’t need to treat her with contempt either. Some of the suggestions are pathetic quite honestly.

And as for not allowing/trusting her to hold your baby, I think you should be more open minded. It might be really helpful to have her there. She might cook, hold the baby whilst you’re in the shower, sit with the baby whilst you have a sleep, and stay in her room reading a book etc sometimes.

If this visit doesn’t go well, you of course don’t need to do another one. But why not try and be open minded?

WORST nightmare! YANBU - I’d need to cancel that long stay

Your DH can make it easier by talking to MIL beforehand what he wants for his wife and DS - making it clear that he’s after help with cooking, cleaning kitchen, hanging clothes out to dry, etc. He needs to Make sure that she understands that you’re not going to be in any position to host and that you both need her help

I would start the visit how you mean for it to continue and be in the future. Show her where everything is if necessary and be totally clear, in actions if not just words, that you appreciate her help and are glad she's there to assist with a, b and c. As long as she realises from the start that you won't be entertaining her

I agree that this is a good idea. Absolutely do not run around after her. I think that it is probably a good idea to agree to this visit as you really don’t want to piss your MIL off, but your husband needs to understand that next time he needs to discuss it with you before it becomes a done deal.

Playing devil’s advocate here – she hasn’t met her grandchild yet, so it would be horribly unfair to cancel this visit, especially if your parents have already met their grandchild.

I really dislike the hatred for MILs on here.

Op has said she doesn’t need MIL to hold the baby while she cooks or showers. She is coping fine and wants time to rest and bond with the baby rather than entertain MIL.
She knows what MIL is like so there’s no ‘oh let’s see how it goes and be openminded’.

Too risky. I’ll say it again. OP will never get these precious first weeks back with the baby. We are all different some of us love loads of people around to help when we’ve just given birth, for some (like the OP and many others on here) it is their worst nightmare.

I’m astounded the feelings and wishes of MIL and the DH are given precedence to the wishes of the mother who has just given birth. She doesn’t want her there! Her own parents are staying in and air bnb because OP likes her space. She has a cleaner she doesn’t need help with the housework!

And it’s not hatred for the MIL. MIL can stay in an air bnb like OP’s parents. There everything is fair! Why does she get to stay for 5 days when OP’s own mother isn’t staying for 1? Surely that is really unfair on OP’s parents?