MIL visiting our newborn and wanted to stay for 5 days! AIBU

[TeenyQueen]

DH and I have an amazing newborn in the house. Things are going well, obviously I'm quite tired because I'm breastfeeding. DH told me today that his mum has booked train tickets to stay with us for nearly a week in just over a week's time. I had a really difficult labour and I'm recovering from a c section, as well as being on antibiotics for suspected sepsis ( I basically crashed after surgery). I have nothing against mil visiting but I suggested 2-3 days max and I was really upset to find out she was going to stay for so long. MIL is nice enough but she's very awkward socially and she barely speaks English so I find it difficult to communicate with her. DH thought that she could help me when he goes back to work but honestly I will find her being here more stressful than anything. She's basically going to sit and watch me bf for most of the day, she won't be going to shops or doing anything actually helpful like that because she's extremely shy and doesn't like to go anywhere by herself. It's actually a very big deal for her to get the train here by herself and I'm glad she wants to see her grandchild, I just don't want to be responsible for entertaining her whilst I'm getting used to my lovely baby and trying to rest and recover. DH thinks I'm being disrespectful towards his mum by saying this and he got really upset but honestly the only thing I want to focus on is me and the baby (and DH of course)

Wise decision OP.

This is not about what's best for your MIL.

It's about what's best for you and your new baby.

I actually cannot fathom a husband inviting anyone to stay without discussing first with the other person in the house.

It's so disrespectful.

I think it would be wise to spell this out very clearly going forward.

Your husband needs to have a lot more respect for you.

Wishing you well.💐

@ffswhatnext DH did all of those things and more during his two weeks of paternity leave. But then he had to go back to work and I personally found it hugely helpful to have someone else around as I continued to recover from a c section.

How is it helpful though to tell someone how much you (general) enjoy people just landing on your doorstep? Or you enjoy the company of various people? That you loved all the help you got? Plus many more various comments how they love this type of thing?

When the person asking doesn't like the above? Are those people supposed to say, well as long as Nora enjoys it, then I should have to as well?

What if the op, for example, had pnd, how is it helpful when they are already worrying so much that they are doing things right that it's impacting their mental health?

If Op would find it stressful, then it's not really helpful, is it?

Also (even without the language barrier), it's often easier to tell/ask your own mum to do stuff.

Whilst a list of chores might be ott, I'd be hoping that someone coming to stay would be preparing/cooking meals & washing up after at the very least.

My mum wanted to move in for a couple of weeks after I'd had my second.

With the best will in the world I can't help thinking that her idea of helping would have been playing with the toddler whilst cuddling the newborn!

I wanted to potter at my own pace in peace.

Sorry this would have been my idea of a nightmare at a point in life where you feel so vulnerable when others think they know better & you are trying to get back to some kind of normality. I would like to think my DH would have checked with me first.

My MIL stayed with us for 4 months 2 weeks after DS was born

But this was posted on AIBU so I thought OP wanted other people's opinions. I've obviously missed the point so apologies.

Right @Lenny1980 so because you found it helpful then the OP is supposed to? Despite saying she wouldn’t? 🙄

I've got enough on my plate with one person who can't do any chores or communicate, I certainly don't want to run around after one who chooses not to"

@Delatron I assumed having posted in AIBU and having posted at all really that the OP may have been interested in what others had experienced. I don’t think the OP has mentioned how old the baby is or how much her OH is around so I was just trying to share my experience in case that was at all helpful. But obviously I’m an idiot for doing so. I apologies for a post that was clearing irrelevant on a forum where people generally share their experiences in the hope that it may help others.

Yep nightmare. I'd be raging too. I wouldn't want anyone staying 5 days in first few weeks either. I hadn't even got into the shower home from hospital when well wishing dh cousins arrived! SIL then invited herself to sleep on the couch for days on end. She lasted 2 days then I had to ask her to leave. I'd try to get dh to take few days off or ask if MIL to shorten visit to 2/3 days. Good luck hope you get it sorted.

You know what.
To break the cycle and these cheeky fuckers who rock up. Those early months are the perfect time to really get things off your chest.
You can blame the utter brutality of telling them exactly how they have crossed your boundaries numerous times. But the sentiment still stands.
Who can really blame someone who has finally snapped at the shit they are expected to deal with, simply because someone doesn't have the sense to see for themselves there's not really room. Especially if they are new shattered parents.
Ok wouldn't help in ops case as the Mil wouldn't understand a word she said 😃

A CS is major abdominal surgery. Major enough that it requires taking Tramadol in the aftermath and disqualifies you from driving for six weeks.

Yes, it's major surgery, but we've all experienced it in different ways. I wasn't given Tramadol, had to make do with paracetamol. I was also told that as long as your doctor has cleared you to drive, you don't have to stick to a rigid 6 weeks. It could be a shorter or longer period. I drove my car for 200 metres at 2 weeks to get it into a local garage for an MOT, they kindly drove it back and parked it in front of the house. I didn't drive again for another 4-5 weeks.

OP, well done for sticking up for what you wanted, hope the visit goes as well as possible.

MulticolourMophead you wouldn't have been insured on my car policy for 6 weeks. I called to check and it was clear: a cesarean section is a major surgery, until given the medical nod at 6 weeks, I wouldn't be covered in an accident whether I was at fault or not.

Regards to the op, I'm on your side. Who invites a family member to stay without checking with others in the household at the best of times.. let alone when you're vulnerable, boobs leaking, bleeding, stitched up vulnerable mess? Add in the sleep deprivation and potential complications (baby medical problems & my developing an awful infection at the incision site)and I'd rather move out than have entertained this after my csection.

I hate bolshy, interfering MILs at the best of times, but in the weeks immediately following birth I am even more so that they need to respect boundaries.

However, your description of your MIL as being very shy and quiet etc makes me feel quite sympathetic towards her. I was a wreck after my first was born (and she was not a lab easy baby) so I didn't find it easy to have a cup of tea, make lunch etc, so I would have really appreciated some help like that.

I take your point that you are managing fine on your own though. I also take your point that you don't want to be stuck entertaining her (quite right). But I don't get the impression that's how it will be? I think she will be content to just sit quietly with you and baby? Especially with the language barrier, there's not really any pressure to make small talk, so it could be quite relaxing? Is she elderly? And I'm guessing from another culture?

I think you will just have to suck it up for the five days to be honest. Just excuse yourself for regular naps if she is happy to look after baby and perhaps your DH could arrange to take her out in the evenings to give you some space?

Then make it clear that such a visit should be discussed in future before plans are made

She doesn’t need to suck it up. If you read the thread she’s changed the visit to three days.

@ffswhatnext

Are you having a bad day or are you always this aggressive?
The last sentence in your last post was particularly telling!

And thats quite a lot of information to share about your mother in law.

Dh shed some light to the situation. He asked his mum to come from Sunday to friday so that he could drive her directly to the train station, which is about 25 min away from us, so he said this was down to logistics. He now understands that he did a bit of a doo doo not clearing this with me first. I'd just like to say that dh is an amazing husband and dad, he took 2 weeks paternity leave and will be going back to work this coming Monday. It's not possible for him to take time off or finish early on the days mil is here because he runs a business and he's already taking two weeks off.

My presumption on how helpful mil will be is based on spending Christmases etc with her. She doesn't have the confidence to be proactive and clear the table, offer to help with washing up etc so she ends up just sitting on the sofa. If the point of a long stay was to help me then that wouldn't work, a purely social visit to meet the baby is different. If dh wants her to do jobs he can direct her, I would find it really awkward to ask her to do jobs around the house. But new train tickets are booked now so I'll be alone with her and the baby for only two days, I'll be fine with a short visit. I come from a Scandinavian culture and it would be unheard of for a mil to stay with a family with a newborn unless the mother specifically asks her to. Short day visits are different of course. My own mum was really shocked to hear she was planning to/dh had asked her to stay for that length of time. In my culture that would be seen as being really intrusive, you leave the new parents and baby in peace to get to know each other, hence my parents are only coming for 3 days and will stay in an Airbnb. I appreciate that other people may really enjoy having mil around and they need help around the house. I personally don't feel I want extra help, our lovely cleaner and dh are enough.

Hopefully dh has learnt his lesson from this and will clear any future visitors with me.

When you have different cultures in a marriage; you both really have to be clear about expectations.

So, far from having a battle axe of a Mil who tramples over boundaries, you have one who complies with her son’s wishes.

"you have one who complies with her son’s wishes."

He's not even going to be there for most of the time so what have his wishes got to do with anything?

Exactly what @Shaded said

It sounds OK as it is only two days, you'll manage. I'm glad you have things sorted regarding housework, very sensible.