MIL visiting our newborn and wanted to stay for 5 days! AIBU

[TeenyQueen]

DH and I have an amazing newborn in the house. Things are going well, obviously I'm quite tired because I'm breastfeeding. DH told me today that his mum has booked train tickets to stay with us for nearly a week in just over a week's time. I had a really difficult labour and I'm recovering from a c section, as well as being on antibiotics for suspected sepsis ( I basically crashed after surgery). I have nothing against mil visiting but I suggested 2-3 days max and I was really upset to find out she was going to stay for so long. MIL is nice enough but she's very awkward socially and she barely speaks English so I find it difficult to communicate with her. DH thought that she could help me when he goes back to work but honestly I will find her being here more stressful than anything. She's basically going to sit and watch me bf for most of the day, she won't be going to shops or doing anything actually helpful like that because she's extremely shy and doesn't like to go anywhere by herself. It's actually a very big deal for her to get the train here by herself and I'm glad she wants to see her grandchild, I just don't want to be responsible for entertaining her whilst I'm getting used to my lovely baby and trying to rest and recover. DH thinks I'm being disrespectful towards his mum by saying this and he got really upset but honestly the only thing I want to focus on is me and the baby (and DH of course)

Omg, mil visit update. It's actually worse than I thought it would be. Mil is here now, arrived yesterday and I'm already stressed. She has not behaved at all like I thought she would, far from being all shy and passive she hovers above the baby constantly. I'm genuinely pleased that she is enthusiastic about her grandchild but she doesn't seem to understand that she's here as our guest. She tried to come into the nursery last night when DD was crying, tried to take a sleeping baby from my arms and then proceeded to 'advise' me that I hold my baby too much and I needed to put her down. I fully breastfeed DD and she told me that I should give her boiling water when DD was having hiccups. Mil sits as close to me as possible when I breastfeed, to the point that I feel really uncomfortable, I mean why does she have to stare at my nipples? Last evening I had just settled DD in her moses basket whilst DH was making dinner, mil goes over to baby and starts cooing loudly and naturally DD woke up. My parents were here a week ago, they love their little granddaughter to pieces and we had tears when it was time to say goodbye, but not once did my parents offer unsolicited advice, take DD without asking us first or do anything else intrusive. I'm now hoping that my SIL will have a baby soon so MIL can mother her and her baby as much as she wants. I know MIL means well but considering that she's a guest visiting for a couple of days she is quite overbearing. And no she isn't helping with housework.

Oh @TeenyQueen what a nightmare... I can imagine it's so tricky to not snap and offend her! Just try and give yourself a countdown for the hours left before she leaves... And probably speak to DH to let him know how you feel about her attitude. Then at least if he doesn't say anything to her this time he'll know how you feel about it and won't let her come again for a while! We'll all be thinking of you .. nothing worse than having extended family give you advice about babies!

You need to tell her. I know it's awkward, but this is your baby. You don't want her advice, you don't want her picking the baby up without asking, she is here to help you, not play with the baby.

She keeps wanting to walk around with the baby to get away from me, so that I wouldn't be able to hold my own baby!

It’s a cultural thing but he sounds of it. The “overbearing” mother/mother in law is common across the world and welcomed in many countries, as weird as it seems from the British perspective. I guess really your DH should have sought your opinion much more before inviting her for a week - he was inconsiderate by the sounds of it. But now it’s done, I think the best thing is probably just to accept it. A week isn’t a long time in the scheme of things. Billions of new mothers have to put up with parents/PIL 24/7! Of course raise it with DH afterwards but I’d frame it as a cultural difference rather than saying anything personal.

I don't understand why people feel that a new mum should feel the same about her own mum as she does about mil.

I have been trying to have children for 15 years. If it ever happens I'll want my mum or sister to move in with me for a week. I absolutely wouldn't feel the same about my mil.

Why don't mils get this concept?

I understand that men would want their dms around too but their bodies are not the ones that have given birth and on this occasion and in this regard, the woman giving birth trumps them. Pil should absolutely visit a newborn but staying over is a different matter entirely.

Take your baby back and tell her to back off. Stop being nice. She's walking all over you. When you are feeding your baby, tell - don't ask - her to leave you alone. Push her away physically if you need to. If you don't set your boundaries now you will always be on the defensive with her. This is your baby. She has had her turn. She can hold the baby WHEN you say so - not when she wants to.

DH thinks I'm being disrespectful towards his mum

Remind me again - is this the DH who is so respectful to his wife that he unilaterally issues a 5-day invitation to his mother, without consultation?
Who is so respectful to the woman who has just had a c-section, suspected sepsis, & is negotiating early breastfeeding that he expects her to play host to a MiL with little English or social skills while he is out at work?

I think your DH needs a sharp reminder of how to respect his wife.
And that he is being a controlling insensitive arse to dictate to you how long a visit is going to last, when he isn't even going to be around all day to help out.

@Everycloud12 In some cultures a woman is absolutely supposed to treat a MIL like her own mother.

My mil used to sit scowling while I bf. I swopped the sofa for the chair as my bf zone.
That put stop to that.
Tell dh she makes you feel uncomfortable...
And also you need a sling /wrap. Keep baby with you and screw her!!

I would have to say something to her if I were in your position.
Something like "MiL, while it is so lovely to have you stay it's not and we really appreciate that you're enjoying spending time with DD, there are a few things we want to clear up, so that there is no confusion.
I am breastfeeding DD so there we don't have any bottles to give DD any cooled boiled water and we're not planning to either. Hiccups are quite normal, so while the advice is appreciated, we will not be using it.
As I am breastfeeding, when I'm getting DD to latch on, I would appreciate it if you weren't right over watching this. I wouldn't appreciate my own mother doing what you're doing so please can you stop doing it. You are making me feel very uncomfortable.
If DD is sleeping, leave her sleep. Do not wake her. I haven't said anything about the times you've done this up to now but I feel I really must draw your attention to how you have been doing this.
You are DD grandmother but that does not give you the right to take her away from her mother if I am trying to sooth her/comfort her/whatever. If you want to take her for a walk, the pram is in the hallway and she must be back within 30 minutes/an hour so that she can be fed again (whatever time suits you). (during that time you could have a shower/eat/make a cup of tea for yourself/whatever but she is getting the 1-to-1 granny/granddaughter time she is craving and you get some time to yourself).

You have to be brave though and tell her that what she is doing is disruptive and not helpful to you in the slightest. If she goes complaining to your DH about what you've said, you can tell him that you didn't ask for her to visit and stay, he did and he is buggering off to work so doesn't have to deal with any of this disruption during the day. He can either take time off now to deal with his mother and wife or he can support his wife and tell his mother that it really isn't a good time for her to visit and you need to establish routines for DD as much as for yourself and her visiting isn't helping that.

Sorry that's so long!

DH thought that she could help me when he goes back to work
Possibly. Or possibly in his culture/family background he. Kid to easily deny her request to spend several days and used the “help you” line as what he considered a white lie. What is your DH cultural background out of curiosity?

“he couldn’t easily deny her request”

You had a c-section and will need more help than your cleaner. What happens if you fall with the baby or your infection gets worse? Stop thinking about what your mil can’t do and start thinking about what she can - even if she can’t speak English very well she can all 999 (they often do have people who can speak a variety of language), can do the laundary, can cook, and can bathe baby / nappy change / bend / lift etc

God OP this sounds horrific. For the love of god put your food down and ask her to leave. You’ve given her a chance and she’s proven herself unable to respect even basic appropriate boundaries. This is your time as a new mother to get to grips with your child and she’s getting in the way of that family bonding/settling in and making you feel uncomfortable in your own home/trying to take over.

What on Earth is stopping you from saying to your DH and MIL today ‘thanks for the offer but I’ve had enough now and want some time on our own, it’s time for you to leave’?

If DH dared to invite ANYONE, his side or mine, to stay or visit after the birth of our child without actually checking with me it’s fine first I’d be feeling extremely concerned about who I’d married and where his priorities lay. What a nightmare situation. But in your hands to resolve.

OP if you have a child with someone from another culture, you either have to adapt a bit to allow a good relationship with the in-laws, or you accept having no relationship or a very poor one.

It just shows a complete lack of consideration from her side, and you dh's.

Tell him to tell her she can't stay that long or you will.
You'll have to spell it out for them both since they both seem to have no idea of how inconvenient and shitty this is.

OP you need to be proactive.
My MIL was the same and I had to be very firm with her, I actually asked her to turn around when I was feeding and left the room and shut the door when she kept on staring. I also had to tell her openly that I think she is invading my privacy and if things went like this we would not be seeing each other often. I started by hinting politely, but ended up having to be very blunt in the end. My partner did support me though, so that helped as well, and we now have a very good relationship where everyone enjoys each other's company.

oh god just read your update.
that's horrendous.

Tell your dh tonight what's happening. That she needs to go.
She is welcome to visit when it's convenient for you, but she must check with you first.
Not unreasonable to ask that.
Please make her leave before your days bonding with your baby are ruined.
Please don't put her feelings over yours and your babies when she isn't considering anyone's but her own!

No it does not show a lack of consideration from her side. From her side depending on her culture, only visiting for 5 days is not long and her DIL is standoffish to her.
Different cultures do things differently. But so many British people seem to think that anyone doing anything different from them is rude or strange.

caranconnor

OP has made concessions in allowing the visit to go ahead and not putting her foot down as soon as she realised what her DH had done. Sounds like she’s tried pretty hard. Making concessions/compromising doesn’t involve completely subsuming your own needs, as the person who’s gone through bloody labour and pregnancy and now has a newborn, to keep everyone else happy.

I’m white British married to an Indian man with Asian in-laws and I absolutely expect DH to prioritise our family unit and take my needs and wishes into account before unilaterally making decisions like inviting family to stay. There’s absolutely no way I would accept relatives staying over with a newborn, on either side, whatever his or my cultural backgrounds.

So often the idea of ‘but it’s their cultural norm, you need to be the one to adjust’ is thrown at especially women, at their most vulnerable, to get away with treating her like her own needs are irrelevant compared to family. It’s sexist bullshit and OP really doesn’t need to stand for it.

My mum did this, but for 2 weeks, and it significantly damaged our relationship. I'm quite self sufficient, breast feed and use a wrap (sling) and I didn't want any help - I also had a caesarean. What I actually needed was space.

Not everyone needs help and not everyone who has had a baby in the past is actually helpful or tactful or useful staying 24/7 with someone else postpartum.

My mother was actually incredibly judgemental and felt she'd come to spend 2 weeks issuing advice (instructions) while she sat cuddling the newborn and I "got on" with cleaning and batch cooking, bringing her cups of tea and admiring her grandmotherly bonding. Not only had I not spent 9 months pregnant in order to deep clean and batch cook and behave like an employee while my mother hogged my newborn aside from when his nappy stank, when she handed him back, or he was undeniably hungry, when I had to force her to hand him back and retreat to my room to feed to stop her from sitting 3cm away stroking his head while he breastfed and watching closely in order to give me unsolicited advice I'd also just had sodding abdominal surgery and wasn't supposed to be doing anything heavier than baby care! I certainly wasn't meant to be on my feet 16 hours per day doing the deep clean my mother felt I should be doing "while you have someone to hold the baby"

Sometimes it's vastly easier not to have "help" - I certainly found subsequent postpartum phases easier on my own with preschoolers/ toddlers and newborn than I found an extra resident adult.

Tbh I think saying no before it happens damages relationships less than a catastrophically bad visit at such an emotionally charged, physically challenging time.

have you given your mil specific jobs to do? If not do it. mils from some countries are expected to care for babies while their dil’s focus on getting themselves better after childbirth - so she might have no idea that you want her to do something different.

Sod that, I’d tell H either he stays home and entertains his mother, sends her home, or you’re packing up and going to stay with your family to get a rest, establish breastfeeding, bonding with your baby and healing none of which is happening with your MIL who won’t leave you to breastfeed in peace or allow your poor newborn to sleep.

And cuddle the baby as much as you want, your MIL can piss off with her you’re holding your newborn too much. No you are not. I cuddled mine loads because I wanted to because we both needed the closeness. Mine are thriving.

@garishearring OP can do what she wants, but the MIL may well be compromising a lot already. But I do get fed up of any thread like this how so many people will claim that anyone doing things differently to them is rude, a CF or a narcissist.
So OP can ask her MIL to leave, fine she is within her rights. But she also needs to think of the possible impact of doing that and if she cares about any possible impact. Easy for others to say just tell her to go, when that may have large consequences.