MIL visiting our newborn and wanted to stay for 5 days! AIBU

[TeenyQueen]

DH and I have an amazing newborn in the house. Things are going well, obviously I'm quite tired because I'm breastfeeding. DH told me today that his mum has booked train tickets to stay with us for nearly a week in just over a week's time. I had a really difficult labour and I'm recovering from a c section, as well as being on antibiotics for suspected sepsis ( I basically crashed after surgery). I have nothing against mil visiting but I suggested 2-3 days max and I was really upset to find out she was going to stay for so long. MIL is nice enough but she's very awkward socially and she barely speaks English so I find it difficult to communicate with her. DH thought that she could help me when he goes back to work but honestly I will find her being here more stressful than anything. She's basically going to sit and watch me bf for most of the day, she won't be going to shops or doing anything actually helpful like that because she's extremely shy and doesn't like to go anywhere by herself. It's actually a very big deal for her to get the train here by herself and I'm glad she wants to see her grandchild, I just don't want to be responsible for entertaining her whilst I'm getting used to my lovely baby and trying to rest and recover. DH thinks I'm being disrespectful towards his mum by saying this and he got really upset but honestly the only thing I want to focus on is me and the baby (and DH of course)

Poor you. I would give her a housework list, not everyone volunteers. I would also suggest being vocal and clear with rules, not sitting too close etc. She may not realise

In the Indian culture a daughter goes home to her mother to have her baby and stays their till she’s forty days post partum. She is fed high fat foods, is a masseuse visit every morning for her and her baby and is not expected to do anything more than breastfeed her baby that first month.

And to be honest, I really wouldn’t give a toss what anyone’s cultural norm was. If my MIL waltzed into my house on agreement of her son that she’d spend all day cuddling my newborn whilst expecting me to wait on her hand and foot straight after I’d given birth. Because that was her culture. Id take my baby and go stay somewhere I could spend my time recovering and bonding with my baby.

Thankfully my DP isn’t such a bastard and my MIL is a kind thoughtful lovely woman who would rather see her DIL & grandchild healthy and happy.

@frazzledasarock - that only happens if the Indian woman goes to her parents’ for the delivery. The 40 days at home is for the child to remain in one house and not go out until he or she has been blessed (not the mum). If the mum needs to return with the baby to her DH’s house then it is the mil who is expected to take care of them both until the baby is permitted to leave.

@frazzled Personally I would never have had kids with someone from a very different culture, and I am not English. Too many potential difficulties.

@TeenyQueen do you have a midwife who visits you, or have you been signed off? Could you talk to yours?

Let it be known that your midwife has instructed you to take to your bed with the baby to rest and recover from the operation and infection and properly establish breastfeeding.

Your DH can take the baby to his mum downstairs when you want to shower or sleep but need to bring the baby back to feed after a maximum of (whatever interval - say 90 minutes or 2 hours).

Mil gets time with the baby but on your terms, and you get something out of it too. In between, while the baby is with you in your room, your DH should spend time with her or ask her to do some specific light housework or cooking - if she likes cooking rather than housework he could go to the shops and buy ingredients for her to cook. Otherwise she needs to entertain herself reading or watching TV when your DH is at work and understand she cannot be in your bedroom.

The only way your relationship with her can survive is if her son, your DH, sets very clear boundaries. Given the language barrier this is twice as critical.

But the expectations for an Indian mil are often different. For the first 6 weeks an Indian mil / someone in the DH’s family whose dil moves in will be expected to do the housework nappy changes, bathing, night wakings and anything involved with carrying the baby - the mum would just sleep and breastfeed.

@GrumpyHoonMain we don’t have blessings on baby’s my cousins all remained at their mums for the duration.

They’re all also very wealthy.

Ex outlaws were a different story. ExPIL’s were godawful and descended on me expecting to be waited on hand and foot and not lift a finger.... they also expected to move to England forever. Presumably they’re still expecting this but it has nothing to do with me now.

@caranconnor I’m in a relationship with a man from a completely different culture to mine. He is also mindful of my needs and loves and cares about me and wouldn’t ride roughshod over my health and recovery.

I don’t think culture has anything to do with it. The OP’s H sounds like an arse, easier for him to be the perfect son and say yes to everything rather than protect his wife and child. Because his wife will be the one suffering not him.

Make his life hell.

Altho I’d really be assessing whether being married to him is worth the hassle. Is he normally caring and loving, does he usually pitch in and take care of you when you’re unwell, is he considerate of you?

I understand your concerns but I'd let her come. It'll fly by, it really will. My MIL came to stay for 10 days when my DC was a newborn. She also doesn't speak much English. I admit I was dreading it but she was a huge help. She prepared delicious, nutritious meals when I just couldn't be bothered, she cleaned the house, took over the laundry, changed nappies etc. I felt so much more relaxed and invited her back frequently after that! Now my DC are 9 and 6 I still look forward to her visits as she gives me such a break! Let her come. 5 days is not long and there's plenty she can do around the house

I would have hated this, until it happened to me and omg my MIL was so helpful! We are from different cultures, DH is Nigerian.

My MIL came weekdays during the day as soon as my husband went to work and he would drop her home later so in that respect, we differ OP. This lasted until around 2-3 months. At first I was fretting it (she's not a lady to be bossed around) but she was absolutely the best thing to happen to me post birth. I actually got to sleep during the day, and it wasn't so bad having someone clean up the kitchen, make me food/a cuppa, hold baby while I bathed, have a chat with etc. My own mum still works but wouldn't have imposed herself on me this way since our culture is more like the English.

As a result, I have vowed to offer my DC the same amount of assistance if they want it. My MIL also looked after DS as soon as I went back to work, saving us stupid amounts on childcare. I owe that woman a lot, and tbh I think she changed my entire view on this issue.

I think culture has a lot to do with it. Its not just the in laws, it is also the expectations of the partner when it comes to children. People can come from very different countries but have surprisingly similar ideas and values around family and children, especially if they were raised in the same religion. But I have just seen too many issues when people from very different cultures have children together.

I’m in a relationship with a man from a completely different culture to mine. He is also mindful of my needs and loves and cares about me and wouldn’t ride roughshod over my health and recovery.

Same, frazzledasarock, because my awesome Indian DH isn’t a twat, he’s capable of recognising that me and our baby are his primary family now and as important as extended family is, we are his priority (as he and our baby are mine). Cultural expectations play a part in these situations but ultimately your spouse either respects and values your wishes and opinions or he doesn’t. OP’s husband has made it clear his mother’s desire to be involved trumps her needs. He didn’t even check with her before inviting his mother to stay!

So much bad behaviour is excused under the umbrella of ‘different cultures’ but I notice it’s DH’s family’s norms that are assumed to take precedence here while OP is having to try and push back, at a time when she’s at her most vulnerable and exhausted. Her own norms around wanting some space and time after the birth to bond with her newborn haven’t been given quite the same weight, her MIL and DH aren’t trying to negotiate to find a middle ground that OP is happy with, for example maybe MIL coming for a couple of days or staying in a hotel and visiting for a few hours for a few days. It’s just a given that what they want goes and OP is left trying to defend her boundaries.

It’s shitty behaviour and doesn’t bode well for the future, and makes me quite worried for OP.

What were relations like between you/DH/his family like before you have the baby OP?

Has everyone read her update that her MIL has already arrived and isn't being helpful at all, if anything rather rude..?

Lock yourself in bedroom with baby to breastfeed. You must say something! "I'm sorry MIL I'm just finding it a bit uncomfortable having you watch me breastfeed"

"Please don't come in the nursery tonight MIL, I can manage perfectly well"

Whether or not OP's DH comes from a different culture, OP has a culture too.

Those suggesting that OP has to effectively suck it up are forgetting that it's a two way street. MIL can compromise too.

Ridiculous!

You need to say something proactive and then everytime she repeats that behaviour!

Here's where we are, I had to drop off a urine sample at my gp (on top of everything else I have a uti) and because I can't drive atm I had to walk. Mil immediately assumed she would have DD but I took DD with me for a lovely pram walk and stayed out for an hour and a half! So relaxing. Tomorrow I'm going to take her to my local children's centre to attend a breastfeeding group so that will take us out of the house for at least a couple of hours. DD has had a lovely long nap since we came back so we've been snoozing for nearly 3 hours in the nursery. In defence of my DH, he's an amazing dad and husband and he well and truly tries his best to look after us. He did tell his mum that the nursery was out of bounds and that she was NOT to try to come in during the night. With regards to house work there's really nothing for mil to do because our cleaner was in today and DH made dinner last night so there are plenty of leftovers. I even ended up buying lunch sandwiches for both of us whilst I was in town. She hasn't offered to make me tea or get me a drink because as soon as I came downstairs she practically grabbed DD from me and was reluctant to give her back 30 min later when she clearly needed a feed. As far as I can see I have fulfilled my role as a dil by welcoming her to stay in my home (however reluctantly), she gets to have plenty of cuddles with the baby and she gets to catch up with her son. She might have expected more but I have to do what's right for me and DD, not what she wants. If DD needs a nap she goes in the nursery with me so I can have a nap too, if she needs a feed (which is pretty much every hour atm) she obviously needs to be with me. With regards to culture, my DH is usually just a normal western man and we've never previously had any issues with culture clashes. We will be setting some clear rules for future visits, for example max 2 nights and ideally during the weekend so DH is at home. I will make sure that he discusses any plans with me before talking to his mother.

Btw, mil just paced outside the nursery door and turned the hallway light on, presumably to try to wake us up. DD is still fast asleep and has been for 3 hours.

I think my mil would behave exactly as the op's mil.

I have a non British ethnic origin (maybe the same as the op). In my experience this issue primarily arises because the pil believe their culture to be superior to British culture and that their requirements should be paramount.

I remember visiting a newborn in my dh's family and being the only one there (there was a huge crowd of us ) who asked permission before holding the baby.

Maybe get her a baby doll
for Christmas! My mil used the rock the pram the entire length of ds's nap.
I plucked up the nerve to ask her if she thought I had time to do that when she wasn't there?!
I put the brake on after that and she didn't know how to take it off!!
Try once being assertive op.
Came easier the next time I had an issue!!

Glad your dh has told his mother a few ground rules. Do not be afraid to just take baby from her if you feel the need. Don't be afraid to call her out if she oversteps the boundaries laid out by Dh. Go to the nursery to feed the baby so she cannot stand over you and watch. Go for a coffee after your breastfeeding group tomorrow. Heaven forbid she wants to go, so be prepared to tell her it's only for breastfeeding mums so she's not allowed attend. Wishing you the patience of a saint for the next few days!!

Well done OP!

Well done standing your ground, hope both you and DD enjoy those naps.

(to be read with the sound of the Big Brother Narrator in your head)

It's day three in the @TeenyQueen house...Teeny is looking for a quiet place so that she can feed BabyTeeny but lo and behold we have MiL on the loose who is making this increasingly difficult for Teeny. We'll pop back later to find out how they get on today

This is very annoying. I don’t understand why friends and family dont put the mother of the babys wishes first after they’ve just given birth. I understand family are usually just really excited to see baby but sometimes its too soon and they need to back off abit and be respectful. Your partner should have asked you first, sounds like its been pre planned between him and his mother before confirming with you (who is still recovering). Id be really annoyed by this. Im currently 16 weeks pregnant snd ive already told my partner to kindly ask his parents to not come to the hospital to visit after ive given birth, and to give us a few days in the house together first to settle. I personally dont think thats unreasonable, but my partner does. However my mother thankfully stepped in snd told him he has no choice in the matter and that my wishes during these first stages of a new born should be respected. Its time for you and your baby/new family to bond and get into a routine, i think her staying that long is over powering and getting in the way. Could she not have waited a couple of weeks? Or could partner not have asked how you felt about it? Or could it not have been just two days as apposed to 5? Its a shame because his is time you wont get back. But if its happening now you need to make the most of it, and give her stuff to do! She cant just expect to sit awkwardly all day. Be stern, send her to the shops, let her change nappies while you have a hot bath...just try and make it useful while you can xxx

Why do some people find it hard to accept that a womans relationship with her mother is a different and separate thing to her partners mother and vice versa?

It doesn't mean we hate our MiL, I like mine and we get on well but wouldn't want to have had her stay here just after I gave birth. My mum did stay for 2 days as she looked after DS whilst I was in hospital and for the first night home.

Grimbles it’s odd isn’t it? It should be down the the person who has just undergone the physical and emotional toll of birth and pregnancy to decide who she feels comfortable having around afterwards, it’s not about ‘fairness’ or providing exactly the same number of cuddles to all grandparents, at such an early stage. Personally I wouldn’t want either my mum, my MIL or my stepmum, or any relatives/friends to stay over after birth at all. But if I felt for example comfortable with my mother but not my MIL I don’t see how that’s in any way egregious. Of course you’re going to feel more comfortable with some people than others.