MIL visiting our newborn and wanted to stay for 5 days! AIBU

[TeenyQueen]

DH and I have an amazing newborn in the house. Things are going well, obviously I'm quite tired because I'm breastfeeding. DH told me today that his mum has booked train tickets to stay with us for nearly a week in just over a week's time. I had a really difficult labour and I'm recovering from a c section, as well as being on antibiotics for suspected sepsis ( I basically crashed after surgery). I have nothing against mil visiting but I suggested 2-3 days max and I was really upset to find out she was going to stay for so long. MIL is nice enough but she's very awkward socially and she barely speaks English so I find it difficult to communicate with her. DH thought that she could help me when he goes back to work but honestly I will find her being here more stressful than anything. She's basically going to sit and watch me bf for most of the day, she won't be going to shops or doing anything actually helpful like that because she's extremely shy and doesn't like to go anywhere by herself. It's actually a very big deal for her to get the train here by herself and I'm glad she wants to see her grandchild, I just don't want to be responsible for entertaining her whilst I'm getting used to my lovely baby and trying to rest and recover. DH thinks I'm being disrespectful towards his mum by saying this and he got really upset but honestly the only thing I want to focus on is me and the baby (and DH of course)

It's not blind hatred against all MIL ever, it's just pointing out that coming to stay with someone recovering from major surgery AND taking care of a new born is completely out of order unless they specifically asked you to!

Any normal and considerate human being would just ask what they can do to help, it doesn't matter if they are the mother, the great-uncle or the MIL.

Having guests is work, so you ask first when you can visit - or you book a room nearby. I wouldn't impose on my own daughters like that, but I'd be there in a flash if they need me. It's not that hard.

@delatron
Op has said she doesn’t need MIL to hold the baby while she cooks or showers. She is coping fine and wants time to rest and bond with the baby r

How do you shower whilst holding a baby then? Or cook? Having another pair of hands there will enable her to get more rest!

I think you're being very rude and negative OP. This is your DHs mother, and the grandmother of your child. Why the hell would you not trust her with your baby? Be honest, you just don't want her there, she doesn't speak English so that's a problem? You need to get over yourself. If you haven't already bonded with your baby, then her presence won't change that, but it might actually help as she can take care of the practicalities whilst you spend more time with baby.

Announce to dh it's 'take your dm to work week ' as you aren't able to entertain her for 5 days.
You have definitely been shown your place imo...

I've explained to DH that I don't want ANYONE visiting for that long, whether it's my family or his.

But he clearly didn't give a shit about what you wanted though, did he?

Why do threads like this always say “well if you would be ok with your own mum you should be with your mil” no. I’d happily see my mum anytime night or day just after giving birth but I certainly wouldn’t want my mil there, she’s my husbands mother not my mother!! She wouldn’t be there to see or help me she’d be there to see her grandchild, completely different motivation to my own mum who would be there for me.

I’d be rebooking her a ticket back after 2 nights and get your husband to explain it’s too much for you to have someone encroaching on your privacy so soon after giving birth.

I wouod have a major issue with DH organising for anyone to come over for a week wo speaking with me first. And that’s regardless of the circumstances , let alone when you’ve just had a baby and are recovering from sepsis.

As others have said, you can’t change the fact she is coming. But you can certainly decide that your priority is yourself and the baby. That you need to sleep when baby is sleeping (and they tend to sleep quite a bit a that age!).
And that you will NOT entertain her.
I would make that clear to your DH. If he thinks she is coming to help you, then I imagine he is expecting her to do things ‘for you’ rather than you doing things for her, such as Entertaining her.

Re you not trusting her to look after the baby. Maybe this is one area when you need to wait and see. She might well be quite good at it and not as awkward as you expect her to be.

You need to tell him that you aren’t an entertainment service for aged parents. If he wants to have her for a week, then he needs to book a week off instead of putting pressure on you do fulfil his obligations when you are in such a vulnerable state.

She knows what MIL is like so there’s no ‘oh let’s see how it goes and be openminded’

This is simply not true. She currently assumes she can’t trust her MIL to be with the baby because it was a few years since she had her own babies etc etc. It’s based on nothing.

If you can’t bond with your baby because you have a visitor, it says more about you than it does about the visitor

You need to tell him that you aren’t an entertainment service for aged parents

Who would be so fucking rude to their DH or MIL?

Oh dear OP. You have a dh problem.

If you are in or near a big town, ask your parents to pop into the library and to borrow a huge pile of books in MILs own language, so that she has something to do to occupy herself for five whole days. Then plan what you would do normally for yourself, even if that is just pottering around the house/phoning friends/mumsnetting. And make sure that you do what you would ordinarily do. If you are able to let MIL just be in the background, coming for the occasional walk to the shops with you, or chilling out on the settee, whilst you read/MN etc, then well done. And if she doesn't like that, she can either go home early or persuade dh to be with her too.

You need to carry on recovering, spending time feeding your newborn, and relaxing. If she wants to do something and if you have a nice big pile of books for her, just smile sleepily, point to the books, make a cuppa and settle down for your next feed/snooze/session on MN.

Best of luck

Will she cook for you? Let her rock baby and cuddle so you can have a relaxing bath, washing is always an issue. And you may feel like going out so extra hands is good

This isn't about MiL. It's about DH. And I'd be incandescent if my DH had put me into this position. It's your body, not his, that has been ravaged by childbirth. After a CS it's going to take you around 6 weeks to recover, and your mobility won't be great until you do. In the meantime, you have to recover from this major ordeal on little sleep whilst having a newborn to look after, which as you are BF is a task that will largely fall to you. Why is entertaining his mother your responsibility?

If he wants a 5-day visit then he should be the one to take time off work. How about he steps up and entertains his own mother, not least, support his exhausted, recovering DW?

He has an outsize nerve.

Usually I'm firmly in the "you have a DH problem, establish some boundaries"-camp.

Going by what OP says, I think this is a case of miscommunication which should not have happened, but....if the MIL travels for quite a bit on the train it is more or less 4 nights and 3 days she is actually there. Plus, she doesn't sound like the baby-grabby, know-it-all MIL we usually hear about in this context (she could be but sometimes a language barrier is a gift). Just shy and inconvenient.

Essentially, YANBU, your DH is a little, but I'd let it slide on this occasion.

Quick, a big list of tasks for her. Your DH can translate it. Keep her busy enough that she will think twice before coming like that again.

Could you make a plan with dh of things mil could do whilst with you. Like batch cooking meals for the freezer? Send her to the shops each day?

He obviously would like her there so perhaps work out a way to make her useful for you. She can make you tea, coffee, lunch etc so you have more time to rest and recover.

why is it so hard to understand that not everybody wants someone else to "cuddle the baby" whilst they have a relaxing bath.

FFS, it's massively intrusive to stay with someone who is just learning to adapt to life with a newborn, who doesn't yet have a sleeping schedule so you want your own peace and quiet. If a new mum wants to spend 1 hour doing her make-up whilst the baby sleep, or wants to stay in her pjs all day and nap whilst baby naps, she should be allowed to do so!

Not everybody needs extra-hand.

Some posters are clearly trying to justify themselves or preparing to be the MIL from hell. If you are wanted, you will be asked to come. If not, learn some boundaries and respect.

YANBU

Tell DH if MIL is there for five days, you and baby won't be. He cares more about upsetting his mummy than he does about upsetting you. This needs to change.

What an utter twat your husband is.

Deciding that you need help from his mum whilst he's at work leaving you to sort it out.

And now you're being disrespectful to his mum.

That old fucking chestnut.

How about he's being disrespectful to his wife?

While I would hate this too, I agree there will be plenty that she can do for you. I would rather have anyone there than be on my own in those early days. It means you'll be able to go to the loo, have a bath, go for a little walk around the block while she holds the baby. She can make you a sandwich/cup of tea, sort the washing out etc. You can just stick the telly on while you're breastfeeding (maybe films on Netflix with subtitles in her native language?) if you don't want to talk all the time. You might actually find you are glad of the company!

Would she ever be useful in the future think of in a few years to come..
Her lack of speaking english should not matter.Shes most likely just feeling as vunerable as you.
You might get a lot out of this .
Be cautious on how you address this with your husband be sensitive if you want to insist on anything .Once you lay the foundation its very hard to pull it back.
Congratulations on your new arrival

How do you shower whilst holding a baby then? Or cook? Having another pair of hands there will enable her to get more rest!

Baby doesn’t need holding 24/7

Why does anyone need to hold the baby when op gets a shower? Dad can hold the baby
Why does she need to hold the baby when cooking? Again they sleep. And what’s wrong with dad cooking?

Will she cook for you? Let her rock baby and cuddle so you can have a relaxing bath, washing is always an issue. And you may feel like going out so extra hands is good
The op has a cleaner.
What’s wrong with her dh doing any of that?

Whether it's right or wrong I've put my foot down regarding this visit and I've paid for a new train ticket for mil to go home two days earlier than planned. I don't feel great about it, I tried to explain to mil on the phone that I'm not ready for a long visit due to recovering from surgery. DH actually admitted that this might be for the best, obviously he was worried about upsetting her. Mil will get to spend 3 days with baby, in my books that's plenty of time without someone going bonkers.

Re. my concerns about her caring for our baby. Firstly I'm a new mum so obviously I'm going to be overprotective and I'm in this lovely baby bubble that only has room for dh, baby and I. I just want to enjoy time with my baby without worrying about mil feeling bored or awkward.

Secondly, my assessment of mil's skills to look after baby are based on what dh has told me about his own childhood. She left a 7 year old to care for a baby by himself when she went to work, instead of taking her other son to the hospital when he had a broken arm she took him to an alternative medicine doctor. Dh was actually taken into care at one point when he was little. More recently, someone trying to break into her flat and instead of calling the police she called dh, so we had to rush there at midnight. I'm not trying to be mean, she's had a hard life and she's very vulnerable, I just don't have the confidence in her ability to look after my newborn baby.

I agree, dh will be responsible for showing her where everything is and explaining what he'd like to do. I'm just going to focus on the baby.

It means you'll be able to go to the loo, have a bath, go for a little walk around the block while she holds the baby.

Who the actual fuck wants to have a bath and go for a little walk around the block when they have a new born? Absolutely ridiculous. Some of us like to be with our babies and don't need someone else to bloody "cuddle' them.

You do realise that you can put a newborn in his bed for awhile, and you have plenty of time to go to the loo and have a shower or bath if you really want one anyway?

, I agree there will be plenty that she can do for you. I would rather have anyone there than be on my own in those early days. It means you'll be able to go to the loo, have a bath, go for a little walk around the block while she holds the baby. She can make you a sandwich/cup of tea, sort the washing out etc.

If you read op posts
She has a cleaner so no additional help needed
She is making herself cups of tea and food
Op can go to the loo and shower now without assistance.
Washing etc erm the other adult who already lives there

Whether it's right or wrong I've put my foot down regarding this visit and I've paid for a new train ticket for mil to go home two days earlier than planned.

OP, I am very impressed. You will recover a lot better if you don't resent your MIL or your husband. Your MIL will have so much time later to spend with the baby, and you might be grateful for the company LATER. But the newborn and recovery stage is a huge deal, well done on making it the best for you.
3 days is long enough