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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I've wasted my best years?

203 replies

RavenClaw180 · 02/11/2019 15:10

Long story so I'll condense as much as possible - met dp aged 20, dropped out of uni in my last year due to DC1 being born. Had 2 more children. Was a sahm for 10 years while supporting dp through his study and career advancements. This required moving several times, dealing with his mood swings and stress related to his work and study. It was never feasible for me to work due to childcare costing more than my wage. Dp always swore that once his study was finished we would move into a proper home , get married and finally be able to do all the things we said we would do. Our last move was 2 years ago, to a city I dislike, that I can't wait to leave. He said it was a 1 year contract and then we would be sorted. He's just announced that he will be finished his study in april. And he has no intention of moving ever again. Or doing any of the other things I thought were part of our dreams.

AIBU to think I've wasted 14 years of my life? I have no qualifications (his study always took priority), limited work experience, and I'm completely at his mercy. I can't even leave him and move away from this shit city because of the children.

Or am I just being precious and I need to shut up and appreciate that he's worked hard?

OP posts:
unfathomablefathoms · 02/11/2019 15:15

No, you are not being precious and you do not need to shut up.

Setting aside barriers and practicalities for a moment, what would you like your future to look like? What do you want in it? What would make you happy? Feel fulfilled?

Then work backwards from there to problem solve how you get as close to that picture as possible.

unfathomablefathoms · 02/11/2019 15:15

And maybe also Google the Freedom Programme, see if any of that fits or not as that might also guide the decisions you make next.

strongteawith2sugars · 02/11/2019 15:20

@RavenClaw180 that's really shit he has said that. Relationships are a partnership and from the sounds of it you have supported him in his life but he needs to support you and the life you have put on pause for him.

Original poster
RavenClaw180 · 02/11/2019 15:21

I though by my 30s I'd be married. To someone who wasn't always miserable and grumpy. Have a nice house. Live in a safe town. Be able to pay the bills. And the thing is, now that he's qualified, we can have those things. But he's said no. I could start over, go back to uni. But I'd have to start again, new degree, would take the best part of a decade. My children will have left home or be finishing high school by the time I was done.

OP posts:
Original poster
RavenClaw180 · 02/11/2019 15:23

It's absolutely shit. I feel like I've my needs and wants on the back burner for so long, supporting him, and now that he's out the other side he's told me tough luck.

I don't feel like I have any options. It's too late to start over.

OP posts:
unfathomablefathoms · 02/11/2019 15:23

Why don't you get a say?

unfathomablefathoms · 02/11/2019 15:27

How old are you? 35? You are incredibly young! It is not too late to do things with your life, even if they're not precisely the things you imagined.

Unless you have some kind of life limiting illness you're keeping quiet then you've got probably another 50 years of life ahead of you.

How do you want to spend the next 50 years? Telling yourself it's too late to do anything?

Original poster
RavenClaw180 · 02/11/2019 15:29

How do I get a say? I don't pay the bills. I certainly don't earn enough to provide for us all - he earns 4x what I do. I can say I'm unhappy, I have in the past and he's just said that's my choice to be unhappy and why should he do something he doesn't want when he's the one who has to provide?

Ive posted on here in the past about him, but different name. I did look at the freedom programme, but when I tried to talk to him he got angry and said I was to stop making it sound like he was being abusive when all he'd ever done was try his best to provide for us. He says everything he has ever done has been for me and the children and I don't even appreciate it. I do appreciate it, I just wish I didn't feel like we were living in limbo.

OP posts:
AgnesGrundy · 02/11/2019 15:30

Why will it take a decade? Are you outside the UK? An English or Welsh bachelor's degree only takes 3 years. Do an open university degree while he's at work and appear to be playing along with the housewife and Sahm role he wants you in. Get your finances sorted and apply for graduate schemes in your last year, then leave him once you have a job offer and move to where the job is.

Are your children school age?

Is he financially abusive? Do you have access to money which you could use to pay open university fees?

The open university might well give you some credit for previous study even though your degree was incomplet, if you have any proof of your second year results - contact them online and ask.

Oly4 · 02/11/2019 15:30

I think screw him and go back to uni yourself and get the career you want. Tell him you’ve spent 14 years supporting his career and raising the kids, now it’s his turn to support you and have the children. Tell
Him childcare from now on is his responsibility.
What are his reasons for saying no btw? No to marrying, no to buying a house or no to all of it?

ChristaMSieland · 02/11/2019 15:32

The past is past. You are still young. What are your solo dreams? What positive steps can you take?

Don't waste your regret or your emotions on a horrible man.

balonzz · 02/11/2019 15:32

What kind of degree would take the best part of a decade to complete, OP? If I were you I would apply for some kind of training so that I could get myself back to work. Then, once I was employable I would leave him.

Original poster
RavenClaw180 · 02/11/2019 15:33

I know I have the rest of my life ahead of me
But the life I want is family life, and if I start over now ,my children will have left home by the time I sort myself out. I feel like I've no choice but to resign myself to this situation.

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 02/11/2019 15:33

Contact your old uni and see if your units can be passed over.

You can’t waste another fourteen years waiting for your turn.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 02/11/2019 15:35

You’re still young enough to train in something.
What do you want to do?
If you’re in a city, is there a college or uni you could attend?

Don’t think of the last 14years as a waste. There must be some good there, especially your children.
Just look forwards now and sun for the life you want.

bluetue · 02/11/2019 15:36

Sorry OP but it sounds like his decision to not marry you was intentional. He's been happy to have you support his career for the past 15 years but didn't want you reaping any benefits if you decided to leave him.

You absolutely need to start putting yourself first.

Original poster
RavenClaw180 · 02/11/2019 15:38

I am back in work, only part time. To earn what he's on now I'd need to do a bachelors, a masters, plus one year supervision. Thats 6 years. Full time. My oldest would be 18 by then. I've no access to any of the finances, but am not eligible for student finance as he earns far to much. There's a lot wrong with our relationship, but he's not physically abusive.

OP posts:
AgnesGrundy · 02/11/2019 15:40

Do you actually want to do anything about your situation? You 15:33 post sounds as though you don't actually.

It's fine to just have a moan but you need to be honest with yourself (and less importantly it's annoying to appear to be posting for advice when you just want a moan - people spend more energy offering advice and sharing experiences and it's frustrating to realise you actually have no genuine interest in doing anything about your situation and just want to share a grumble. Be honest if that's what you want and get sympathy or cheering up from others who've decided to make the best of / resign themselves to similar situations).

NettleTea · 02/11/2019 15:48

but if you left him you WOULD be eligible to student support, plus maintanance support from him for the children.

plus there is support out there to retrain.

You can leave, you are not married so there is no divorce to deal with.

Look around, see what you want to do.

Original poster
RavenClaw180 · 02/11/2019 15:48

Do I want my situation to change? Yes of course. But I feel like the only way it will change in a positive way is if he changes. Leaving him means I start back over, and spend another 6+ years building up to where we are now financially. That doesn't seem like a smart idea considering I've 3 children to raise. Which leaves me with staying where I am and accepting that I've fucked up and wasted my best years. Yes I can start over when I'm 45. But my children will have all left home by them, and I'm afraid I'll be too worn down to ever achieve anything.

OP posts:
AgnesGrundy · 02/11/2019 15:50

RavenClaw180 your logic is very odd - why does it matter that your eldest would be 18. You'd be setting them an excellent example over the next 6 years, you'd be happier because you'd be proactive not stuck in a rut, you'd be able to support them whether they chose to go to university or move out and start working, you have younger children who wouldn't be 18... Also you'd be insuring yourself against still being in the same position without the children at home to compensate/ distract you.

Is your eldest male or female? You are either a positive or negative role model for these crucial teenage years - whatever you choose to do has consequences for how they see women generally and the potential/ limitations of women who are mothers, their idea of what is a normal or healthy relationship, and what adults do when things haven't gone according to plan/ are challenging...

Pollaidh · 02/11/2019 15:51

How do I get a say? I don't pay the bills. I certainly don't earn enough to provide for us all - he earns 4x what I do. I can say I'm unhappy, I have in the past and he's just said that's my choice to be unhappy and why should he do something he doesn't want when he's the one who has to provide?

Um, he's only able to do his job because you have provided the home support that has allowed this! I work PT and DH earns many times my salary too, but all decisions are made jointly, and finances are shared. Decent men (and I know many) acknowledge that the family's survival/success is based on a mixture of financial support and home support. Both are equally as important.

You're young and you can absolutely start a new career at this point, you've got at least 25-30 years of working life ahead of you. Given your DH is a wanker, I'd also want to restart my professional life as something to fall back on if/when it all goes tit's up.

HeyNotInMyName · 02/11/2019 15:53

Its never too late to start again!
I have retrained completely in a different area when I was 40yo. Some of the students with me were late 40s.

But the biggest issue is that he is and has taken you for granted. that your role was to support him and in some ways you're not 'allowed' to exists for yourself. Just for his own convenience.
Im not surpised you feel shit about it.

SonjaMorgan · 02/11/2019 15:54

Set some small goals. Do you have a career you would love in mind? Start some part-time education. It doesn't matter that it may take 10 years. You don't want to be in the same situation 10 years from now and still relying on a selfish, angry arsehole. Start putting money away in a private account. It might not happen overnight but start putting a get out plan in place.

Tistheseason17 · 02/11/2019 15:54

Have you even told him you would like to go back to uni?
What was his response to you returning to study?

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