To think I've wasted my best years?

[RavenClaw180]

Long story so I'll condense as much as possible - met dp aged 20, dropped out of uni in my last year due to DC1 being born. Had 2 more children. Was a sahm for 10 years while supporting dp through his study and career advancements. This required moving several times, dealing with his mood swings and stress related to his work and study. It was never feasible for me to work due to childcare costing more than my wage. Dp always swore that once his study was finished we would move into a proper home , get married and finally be able to do all the things we said we would do. Our last move was 2 years ago, to a city I dislike, that I can't wait to leave. He said it was a 1 year contract and then we would be sorted. He's just announced that he will be finished his study in april. And he has no intention of moving ever again. Or doing any of the other things I thought were part of our dreams.

AIBU to think I've wasted 14 years of my life? I have no qualifications (his study always took priority), limited work experience, and I'm completely at his mercy. I can't even leave him and move away from this shit city because of the children.

Or am I just being precious and I need to shut up and appreciate that he's worked hard?

You need to be proactive now, not muddle on for the next how many years feeling the same, because then it will be too late, and you will have wasted your best years. I agree it would be foolish to leave your DH now - it would put you in a very difficult position financially if you want to train or go to uni. You’re probably unconsciously giving in to his wants and needs at the moment as you feel he has all the control, but as you go through uni/retraining your confidence will grow and you will become more assertive of where your lives are going.

He might not be physically abusive but he's a manipulative controlling arsehole.

Use the energy you are generating being angry to plan what you want to do and take it step by step. Anger aimed at your OH is misdirected. You were very much part of the choices you made in your life together.

I would agree with this. You had a relatively nice life raising your large family and, whether consciously or unconsciously, allowed yourself to be trapped into this situation. SAHMs can also find themselves in this situation if their partners divorce them suddenly after decades. At least you have forewarning of what your dp will do and the ability to lie low and plan your next move, particularly after the youngest has left home.

I don't think you need to aim for the moon (which is the degree/post-grad). You can very much take it step-by-step and avoid the big expenses and risks, including tipping your dp off, by improving on your skills in your pt job and taking internal courses or employer-funded training.

That way, you are bringing in more to the family kitty, which your dh will not complain about because he will just deduct more from his contribution (arsehole) and you will have set up a platform to leave him once the dcs have flown the nest.

After that, your expenses come down anyway because the dcs no longer live with you and you can start to look to buy a small home and work up from there. You are young, with many many working years ahead of you and in a vocation that is in demand.

I believe you can do it. Just need to persuade your heart to give up on the dream and adapt to the new reality, which will be a bright one.

Why can't you both work FT & share the cost of childcare ?

Why doesn't he treat you as an equal ?

If you both work FT, would he treat you as an equal, even if you earn less ?

Have you considered this ?

I haven't RTFT but none of the things you want are too late. From my calculations you are mid 30's with 3 school age children?

If re-qualifying takes 10 years you'll still have another 20 years of work ahead of you, you may as well do it in a job that fulfills you.
Also as far as I am aware there is no age gap on love and marriage either.Only you know if your relationship is dead or not and if you are ready to move on or not but your life is certainly not over.

What I want you to do is start being honest with yourself. Think about the things that are important to you and create actions that make it happen. Stop waiting for someone to give you permission.x

Some practical things to check because you are unmarried

If in UK look on www.gov.uk
Use your National Insurance number to check that your ' stamp' had been paid when you have not been working
You should automatically receive this if you claim child benefit in your name or if you earn too much as a couple you can claim the stamp, without claiming the money
This pays towards state pension & other benefits

Secondly, if you are not working FT, you are also not paying into an employee private pension, where your employer gives you FREE money

Do you both have wills, life insurance ?

Because you are unmarried, you are financially vulnerable

Like others have said-many employers will pay for your training, I think you would be better to get a job where you can progress and train while earning. I work in MH and there are many opportunities to do this, even if it means starting a the bottom of the ladder-good luck

If you are in UK look on www.gov.uk

You can get a state pension prediction
It will tell you how many years you have paid in already
How many years needed to qualify for full state pension
Estimated amount you will receive and the date you can claim

This may inspire you to work FT quicker than you expected ?

I'm currently in part time work. One of the reasons I'm so upset with dp is that my employer offered to pay for my training last year, on the condition that I remained in their employment for 2years after completing it. Dp said to turn it down as we would be moving again in 6 months, so I stupidly did. Now that he's changed his mind and decided to stay, I'm realizing just how many opportunities I've lost.

Just to clarify the dream of a house - I don't mean a dream house, just a house that feels like a home, somewhere I belong, somewhere I can make my own, it doesn't have to be flash.. ,as it is right now, I've got all the dc sharing one room, which won't work as they get older .

I've been having a look around at different careers, medical imaging technician looks interesting and doesn't take too long to train, 3 years from the looks of it. Its on the visa shortage list for many countries, so I'd be able to fulfill my dreams of travel without relying on dp.

I've had to do a lot of thinking over the past few days. Thank you to all those who said I didn't need permission to set myself free and that its not too late to fix things.

Suggest read the post

To ask how did you become successful
Which is also in AIBU

You are clearly unhappy, so you need to make some changes & plans & stick to them - For YOU (not your partner)

I guarantee that you haven't had your best years yet !

I've just been reading that :) I know what i want out of life, my mistake was thinking I needed someone else to make it happen. I can do it by myself.

Hope, self belief & hard work will get you a long way

It's ok to say NO too sometimes

How old are your children? Could you study whilst they are at school if it fits around your job?

I was a SAHM until I was 35. Then I started my degree with the OU. My husband is a high earner and I get student finance, so you may be eligible. Have you actually confirmed with them that you're not, or just assumed as you aren't eligible for anything else (we fall into the eligible for nothing else bracket too).

Speak to your boss again and take them up on the training. Your partner (ha!) has said you're not moving. So just go for it. If he tries to make you move just to scupper your training, then that says a lot about him. Also, he can't make you move. Stand up for yourself. What's he going to do? Physically drag you out of the door?

He has been used to you supporting his every whim without question for years.

As a PP wisely said, the years will pass anyway. You can either be proactive and make a change, or be in the same place in 6 years and wonder why you're still so unhappy.

Stop relying on him for your happiness and fulfillment. Take control of your life. And if he has a tantrum, let him. What's the worst that will happen? He'll leave you? Then you'll be free of his restrictions. Life will be different. Doesn't sound like it'll be much worse.

I'm jumping in and saving a place so i can RTFT later, but i wanted to say i know how you feel OP and i felt the same as i had a similar situation with my husvand, but i saw a quote that said something like "dont be afraid to start over from scratch, because you aren't starting from scratch, this time you're starting from experience' which gave me a bit of comfort.

Id love to say 2yrs post divorce iv turned my life around but its taking much longer for me its a hard road, no doubt.

How are you doing OP?

But I feel like the only way it will change in a positive way is if he changes.

He isn't going to change. And he does not need to, afterall, you've given it all to him--kids, his career, moving around for him.

Now, carve out something for you. Never wait for someone else.

Your not married and if tomorrow he decided to say I've met someone else. Where would that leave you. You need to carve your own life because he doesn't respect or cherish you. In his mind You are there to look after his children, clean and maintain his house. You were useful to support his while he studied and to give him that veneer of steady, reliable family man that is approved of social in his work circle. You are not to have any friends or work relationships which may cause you to crave more than he is willing to give.

He has kept you dangling for years, and will keep you dangling until either you leave or he does. Please don't wait for him to trade you in. You already know he would not pay maintenance. Please reach for more than something more than uncertain financial security for yourself and your children.

To answer the question, yes. 14 years just having kids and following your partner around (unhappily) has been a waste of your best years. You could have squeezed an open uni degree in there along the way.

Good news is it's not too late to do something.

I know it was your dream to 'raise your children in a lovely home', but that ship has sailed. Your oldest child is 14? They will be @ uni/moving out before your know it. Set new goals.

Everything you did was a choice. Including having two more kids when you knew the sacrifice you had to make after the first. Your dp chose to get on with his life and you chose to just blindly believe whatever he said. I think as your kids are much older now you have a chance to change all that.

If you don’t do something now you will never be able to. At least while they are school aged you can demand maintenance from him.

Think about widening your options, modify your goals. That perfect family life may have sailed, but there are tons of opportunites.
What about an apprenticeship in s field that jobs are plentiful?
Some apprenticeships are only a year or two, and you would be earning at the same time.
Don't blinker yourself to opportunities.

I have a degree in chemistry, but started a small business at home in my 50, not science related at all. I earn twice what my OH does, and I only work part time.
Widen your world.

What country are you in OP? If you are in the UK you could have a job waiting for you as a radiographer after the three year degree. Don’t be under the assumption though that it is easy as even as a student you will have to so 12 weeks placement a year in the hospital working shifts and when qualified do nights and twilights. But you are pretty much guaranteed a job.

Tbh, I think living off benefits and studying to do what you want to do is preferably to living as you are now. I would start planning my exit.

OP, your situation with your DP sounds potentially abusive from the way you e described him. There’s been advice about the freedom programme etc so I’d suggest checking that out.

However, if you are not happy you need to stop making excuses. You are choosing the house and DP’s salary at the minute.

You can leave him - that’s a choice you have. You don’t have to earn the same as him, you can pursue him for CM etc... If that is what you want, you need to look at how to do it before more years are wasted. Alternatively you can chose the stay and perhaps look at leaving after the kids have grown. There are options for you, but you might have to accept a drop in your standard of living.

Yes, you’ve made some absolutely foolish choices but there’s no point beating yourself up over it now. You know you’re not happy, but if you don’t figure out what’s important, what you want and how to get there you will be allowing it to continue. It will be hard, but you need to come to terms with the implications of the choices you are going to make. Good luck.