To think I've wasted my best years?

[RavenClaw180]

Long story so I'll condense as much as possible - met dp aged 20, dropped out of uni in my last year due to DC1 being born. Had 2 more children. Was a sahm for 10 years while supporting dp through his study and career advancements. This required moving several times, dealing with his mood swings and stress related to his work and study. It was never feasible for me to work due to childcare costing more than my wage. Dp always swore that once his study was finished we would move into a proper home , get married and finally be able to do all the things we said we would do. Our last move was 2 years ago, to a city I dislike, that I can't wait to leave. He said it was a 1 year contract and then we would be sorted. He's just announced that he will be finished his study in april. And he has no intention of moving ever again. Or doing any of the other things I thought were part of our dreams.

AIBU to think I've wasted 14 years of my life? I have no qualifications (his study always took priority), limited work experience, and I'm completely at his mercy. I can't even leave him and move away from this shit city because of the children.

Or am I just being precious and I need to shut up and appreciate that he's worked hard?

It's not all or nothing either. You can do the bachelor and Masters degrees without leaving him, through the OU. That's 4 years full time not 5 (5 if you do the bachelor degree over 4 years or the masters over 2, but a master's takes one year full time). You may well get partial credit for the (two?) years you did on your first degree, meaning you could complete the Bachelors faster.

And I woulld advice some couselling.
Because your outlook is the one who someone who has been beaten down and cant see anymore that they are strong and can be who they want to be (despite said 'dear' husband doing everything to say that youre not 'as good as' them and they get to decide everything).

RavenClaw180
But I'd have to start again, new degree, would take the best part of a decade.

The time is going to pass anyway. In 6 years time you can either be in the same situation you are now (but 6 years older and bitterer), or qualified and earning good money.

exactly what @agnesgrundy said. You've got yourself into a situation, that's clear, but many many people have gotten themselves out of worse with a lot less moaning. If you just want to complain, great, just say that and people will come along and post those idiotic little flower bouquet emojis for you and you can wallow. Don't make people waste their time and energy giving you really good advice that you won't take.

I know its not too late to retrain, but my dream was a lovely home to raise my children in. By the time I've retrained, saved enough to buy a house, my children will be leaving/close to leaving home.

There are choices to be made of course. But it's not too late to start over at 45 and if as a couple you have financial security, then you will have some degree of financial security on your own too. Smaller place, further out, not as nice perhaps, but you will adjust if you want to.

Forgive yourself for having made choices in the past that didn't turn out to be right for who you are. That is a difficult thing to forgive yourself for, I know,. If you are aware of all of this and still make the decision to just accept your fate with resignation then you can't blame past decisions for where you'll be in five years.

I know it's hard. Single parent here, and I have no degree and I would like one. I plan to do one in my 50s though so I don't think it's too late. I'm looking forward to my children being a bit less dependent.

Society conditions us to believe (as women) that it's all over for us at the end of our childbearing years, and that anything we decide to do when we have a few wrinkles is just too late, but in fact we have at least two really good decades left where we can change our lives and invest in to ourselves and hopefully benefit from the lessons learnt. I know a lot of women still have fairly young children in their 40s though. So I know it's not easy. But it's not impossible either.

You are being too negative. Youve had your children young, got that out of the way, now you can focus on having a career. Leave your horrible partner. You don't sound like you've created a happy home life for the dc if hes so joyless and you resent him.

YABU to think the only way your life will change is if your partner changes. Dont expect him to change. Take some control of your own life. All this whinging about how youd be mad to leave now hes earning good money is daft. Sounds like youd be mad to stay.

He absolutely does not support me studying
Did everything in his power last year to disrupt me when I did it part time. Does not support me working part time either. As soon as I started, he worked out what I earn and then cut that amount out of my grocery money, so i have to make up the differnce. There is no way to get ahead. I'm not having a pity party (although I can see it looks that way), it's just that its not that simple to walk away, or insist he changes. I have 3 children to think about, who will still need providing for, and I do not earn enough to provide for them

I think your dream of a lovely home to raise your children in and a happy marriage are holding you back. You have a choice now between the reality of what you've got and the different future you could make. You don't have the option of your dream and I can see that's hugely sad and a big loss for you. But you seem to be fighting for a reality which is not there. Often I think our dreams don't really come true - everyone compromises on what they'd really like. Might it be good to talk this through with some friends so you can make the most empowering choices for you now? You are banging your head against a brick wall if you are placing all your hope on your OH becoming your fantasy man.

My cousin was a stay at home mother until 34.

She has just completed a psychology degree, and is now working as a junior psychologist.

Her daughter is 10. I think it is very good for her daughter, that her mother went back and got a career.

You seem to think that studying, will take you away from your children? But you can do an open university degree online, a few hours at a time. It is meant to be flexible - for people that need it to be flexible.

Why not do an OU degree , just for your own enjoyment, part time at home, and then at the end of it - see if you would like to progress into it as a career.

It can be very scary to take a step in a new direction, so if I were you, I would not look at it with an all or nothing approach, I would look at it as something for fun first - do it at home for a few hours- and ease yourself into it gradually. You will get more confidence on yourself that way.

Hes not going to change to give you the life you want. Why would he, he thinks he has all the power? He's got what he wants. He clearly doesn't care about what you want.

Only you can change this situation and you are not too old to do it. Your best years may well be the years still ahead of you.

So your not married and he doesn't allow access to the finances?
guess that's why he doesn't give you a say in anything
is this the life you want to show to your children? that its fine not to achieve your own dreams/ambitions, to not be able to spend a penny without someone else's say so? to not have a say in where you live?
that resentment is the norm?
because if its not okay with you then you need a plan.

but my dream was a lovely home to raise my family

Translation: I thought he would provide and I would be a SAHM.
No, he hasn't, controlling men never do. You accept it or study a 4 year qualufication and get a job. It doesn't have to an exact match salary. By 40 YOU will be fine, your children will be better off in longer term. You will a further 20-25 yes providing for yourself

Oh I just saw that your partner is against you studying.

Why on earth is he against you studying?

Qualification and
Have to be exactly match his salary

And you don't need his permission.

OK, so you need to lose the idea of the perfect happy family and home to raise your children

It sounds as if theyve had a nice house for a while, but probably not a happy family.

but if you left him you WOULD be eligible to student support, plus maintanance support from him for the children.

plus there is support out there to retrain.

You can leave, you are not married so there is no divorce to deal with.

Look around, see what you want to do.

You will be free. You will have the potential to have that happy life but you wont get it with him

Yes, he has strung you along, but it doesnt mean you have to sign up for it for the rest of your life

I'm honestly surprised he could be so vindictive and slash your grocery bill.

He will never change.

Thank you sunglasslover and angel.

If I had friends I would talk to them, but I don't. I've not been out in years, and other than making polite chit chat at the school gates ,I don't really get the chance to get to know people ,especially because we've moved so often. Hence using mumsnet for advice.

Sunglasses, you mentioned compromise....how much do I compromise here? Stay with him but only of he agrees to move? Or is that emotional blackmail?
I have no idea what is normal or reasonable

Reading this I can sympathise with the idea that one way and another we are victims of circumstances, our own limitations and the limitations set by biology and others. But we have options and choice (that was fought hard for by others).

Reading what you wrote, I can’t help but reflect that you did have other options and choices. Not easy ones, but life isn’t like that. Women do complete degrees with a child and children. They do have careers and jobs with children. We all get to decide if we want to trail after another person forsaking our own ambitions. Because if he couldn’t have done it without you, he couldn’t have done it.

So I can’t accept that you were powerless and left with no choice or options. I do realise they may have been hard choices and that they are not always visible. But they were there then and they are there now.

Your DP won’t provide them for you, he has established the life he wants on his terms. It’s not the one you dreamt of. One way or another that dream has gone.

The question for you, is to go forward are you going to wish for a dream to be fulfilled or are you going to look for real choices in real life? Like a pp said what do you want, a moan in an echo chamber or advice you will consider and act on? Lots on here will give you the former.

My final point is that not all success and careers are built on degrees and masters. Achieving qualifications, even postgraduate ones, doesn’t take 10 years in any case.

CupanTaeiSiochain all that you say is true but she isn't even 40 yet - she's 34 or 35! The 45 comment was about a future age at which she anticipates her children no longer being dependant (her eldest will be 25) but thinks she'll be past it ...

It's just a moan thread.

RavenClaw180 what percentage of the population have the kind of home that is "your dream"? Do you think they live in smaller or less perfect homes or locations because that was their dream? Do you think not having your dream collection of trophies (wedding, big detached house in perfect location) invalidates the things you do have - notably the children who are, surely, that dream family?

What's his amazing salary spent on if you live in a dangerous bleak dump?

I don’t know that I agree your 20s are the best years of your life, I think your 30s are, personally. But in any case, you feel you’ve wasted the last 14 years and I can see why you think that. The question is: are you going to waste the next 14?

You have, by the sounds of it, 6 years left with children at home. At the end of that time do you want the situation to be the way it is now or do you want a Bachelor’s, Master’s and year of supervision under your belt? What would your life at 41 look like in those two scenarios (getting qualifications v. Not getting qualifications)?

It must be pretty scary to realise you put your faith in a man who does not actually consider your needs/desires to be equal to his and who is not prepared to support you the way you have him. It’s also scary to think about putting yourself out into the world again - to test yourself against the hard edges and potential rejection of exams, interviews and workplace evaluation as you battle to build a professional life. But even if you fail from time to time you will succeed more than if you don’t try at all.

I think you need to push for more investment in building a professional life for yourself and if he won’t provide the financing for that leave so you have access to state support to do it. It’s not much of a family life if he’s actually treating you as an indentured sergeant to look after his children for him but has no intention of treasuring you the way you have treasured him.

You're not being precious, but there's nothing to gain regretting the past. You're still young with plenty of life ahead of you, time to get thinking about what you'd like to achieve and how to go about it.

Wow @RavenClaw180 You're in a really difficult position.

Your H will support you financially for now if and only if you do not try and meet any of your own needs.

That is a tough realisation to process.

My x was the same, but abusive to boot.

However I think what your H did, cutting the grocery budget by the amount our part time job brought in is financial abuse.

If you divorced him you might have a very tough battle on your hands because a man that is that entitled to be served is not going to be reasonable in a divorce.

But do you want to spend your future with a man who will not acknowledge that you have any needs. You have served the family.

Your children will have their own dreams so don't sublimate yourself any longer.

I'd get your running away fund healthy and then divorce him.

To hell with your dream home. You can't have a dream home if there is a man in it who would cut your grocery budget to punish you for working.

Why doesn't he want you to study?