To think I've wasted my best years?

[RavenClaw180]

Long story so I'll condense as much as possible - met dp aged 20, dropped out of uni in my last year due to DC1 being born. Had 2 more children. Was a sahm for 10 years while supporting dp through his study and career advancements. This required moving several times, dealing with his mood swings and stress related to his work and study. It was never feasible for me to work due to childcare costing more than my wage. Dp always swore that once his study was finished we would move into a proper home , get married and finally be able to do all the things we said we would do. Our last move was 2 years ago, to a city I dislike, that I can't wait to leave. He said it was a 1 year contract and then we would be sorted. He's just announced that he will be finished his study in april. And he has no intention of moving ever again. Or doing any of the other things I thought were part of our dreams.

AIBU to think I've wasted 14 years of my life? I have no qualifications (his study always took priority), limited work experience, and I'm completely at his mercy. I can't even leave him and move away from this shit city because of the children.

Or am I just being precious and I need to shut up and appreciate that he's worked hard?

@RavenClaw180, as this thread has been revived has anything changed?

This thread is originally from Nov 2019

This is my life exactly (it's quite spooky actually!) met Ex at 21, had two boys by 28, SAHM from then until now (32 now) - hardest bloody JOB - and it IS one, there is.. He had a fab job, two promotions, travelling all over the world on business, whilst we had no childcare bills, and I basically brought them up. Promised I could study for my EYPS - had plenty of experience, ideal candidate they said. But he walked out when I was 30 because he found his ex (no children) more exciting, and wanted to be out gigging more, and she was a singer etc etc. Better life that apparently.

I had two years of hell to begin with getting on my feet. It takes a while to get over the shock and sickening way of being treated after birthing your partner two children and raising them.

I've just enrolled at college for when youngest starts reception (Sept) to study health sciences. I may have had enough of childcaring and want a job with adults now!

I'll be on benefits whilst I do it. The alternative is being on benefits forever because my minimum wage job would cover about 30% of my outgoings.

You can do it!

This thread is originally from Nov 2019

Ah... I thought it was familiar you know...

Would love an update.

To earn what he's on now I'd need to do a bachelors, a masters, plus one year supervision.
This is a very specific role. This may be what HE has done but not all well paid jobs require this process of education. SOme roles don't even require a degree. Seriously, get a 3 year degree, start working. By the time your dc are through school, you will still have decades of work life ahead of you.

There are worse situations to be in than single and low income. I’ve had to raise my children alone from when the youngest was 2. It hasn’t been easy but we have a nice home and everything we need. I’ve been retraining over the years and now my youngest is about to start secondary I’m almost in a position where I can apply for better paying employment from all the training. I’m in my early 40’s. It does get easier and I also had a dream of the perfect family life and mine certainly didn’t end up how I’d pictured either but it has all been ok in the end.

You haven’t wasted your life so far. You’ve spent it productively raising your DC, supporting your partner and working towards your planned future.

What would be wasting your life would be to abandon your dreams now. It would not be unreasonable to tell him ‘you’ve had your turn to study and build a career, now it’s my time. You can be with me or against me in this - it’s your choice’.

If you want do it for yourself, do it for your DC. Don’t show them that it’s OK for one partner to lie or to bully and manipulate the other. If they grow up thinking that’s what a relationship is, they will repeat it when they are adults.

The way your husband is behaving is called coercive control. In the UK it’s recently been made illegal in the same way that hitting your partner is. You’ve tolerated it in the past but that doesn’t mean you have to continue to put up with it now.

You haven’t wasted them. You’ve done kids when others have done work. A lot of people who did kids first will only just be starting their families in their late 30s and/or panicking that they have left it too late!

Your husband sounds unfair and, if you have no access to finances, financially abusive. However, him being a dick does not mean you have wasted your years.

You have plenty of time to retrain and study, if that’s what you want. Few careers are for life these days and many people will be retraining in their 30s, 40s or even 50s as a natural part of a career.

Apply for an open university course. It's very flexible. At the end of it, you ll have a qualification. When the children are more independent e.g. commuting to school, you could get a job in that field. It's not too late.

My mum and my brother started university on the same day. There's a brilliant photo of them both looking all 80s and studenty.

You absolutely can study, no matter how old your kids are.

Your partner certainly sounds like a dickhead, but unfortunately you're vulnerable because you're not married. Have you discussed getting married?

I think that is what I'd do first, as then you have a claim on what has been built up whilst you've been moving around.

Then you're in a stronger position to look at retraining.

But if he won't marry you and won't help you retrain, then I think you have to look at rebuilding your life anyway without him.

I'm not going to lie, it does sound like you've made some less than ideal life decisions over the years. But it's not too late. You can still turn things around and be in a better position in a few years time.

On a practical note, I would look at other career paths where you can earn earlier, unless your employer would reconsider paying for your training? Have you asked your employer if the offer is still open?
If you are wanting to work as a Clinical Psychologist, that is a long period of studying even if full time, and friends in the field say the pay is not high for the years of study and competitive nature.

If you want to prioritise that career I'm sure there is a way, but it won't be the easiest choice with an unsupportive partner, and it will be years before you are earning a good amount (esp if you train part time). A friend taking this route with a supportive husband and primary aged kids is finding it hard going, she has had to do voluntary work to get experience for postgraduate degree (her primary degree was years old though) and fund her own supervision therapy.

You may get more happiness from a different career where you can achieve financial independence sooner.

Op you are being abused.
He doesn’t hit you (yet) because he is already controlling you without hitting you.
It’s emotional abuse to the dcs to expose them to domestic abuse.
You need to take the dcs and flee tia refuge as far away from this monster as possible. Don’t stay local- he will continue to control you.
Contact women’s aid to put together an escape plan. Gather all your documents. Set a date then go. Your dcs will be so much better for it.

@RavenClaw180 I have not read through the whole thread yet, but am pushed to post now.

I have seen some pp suggest, & agree, that you revisit decisions that you made earlier about your career based on your reasonable assumption that you would be moving on.

Please use your time wisely in the coming days to research how you could achieve the life you want for you & your children.

Although this may seem premature at this stage, but please visit a solicitor, ideally a specialist in family law, to find out how a legal separation & divorce might work for you.

solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

From what you have said there may be be grounds for a clean break (less than two years of separation) on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour such as his financial control. A Solicitor is best placed to advise you on what you had told us.

I suggest that you have this information because once you make changes for your own benefit you may find that your OH’s behaviour becomes entrenched &/or more difficult, & in turn staying in the relationship becomes too difficult.

Also look at websites such as Turn2Us to model what state & working tax benefits (e.g Universal Credit) to check if you are claiming fully now or if you separate.

Likewise look at the Child Maintenance Service website to look at the suggested payment rates.

Gather information sooner rather than later.
Having this information to hand will strengthen your hand as you negotiate for the changes you need in your marriage.
Informed decisions are your friend.

Ah, just twigged that you are not married.

Please check your legal rights as a cohabitee, obviously this is not as clear cut as being married. Going to the local Citizens Advice Bureau - or ringing the CAB helpline - for preliminary advice will save you a Solicitor’s appointment.

The benefit & Child Maintenance suggests remain the same.

@RavenClaw180

YANBU and yes you're right, you HAVE wasted the best years of your life. Sadly, this is what many women do, and many men let them do.

Reading this thread broke my heart. There’s nothing sadder than a woman saying she doesn’t have a good enough reason to leave a miserable relationship because ‘he doesn’t hit me’. I’m glad you’re starting to see the light though OP. Denying you access to family money is hugely abusive and that alone should be reason to leave.

As others have said, the time is going to pass anyway and do you want to be exactly where you are now, feeling how you are, in 5 years’ time?

...& noticed this is a dormant thread.

Note to self: check posting dates before piling on.

Off for deep dive caffeine fix.

Sounds like you trusted him and he let you down. You're allowed to feel down about that. I would suggest re-thinking your goals. What is it you want and is what you're doing getting you there? A nice house you say, why is that so important? Surely a happy mum providing love and support is more vital?

You're making it an all or nothing situation. You can still have family life while you study or retrain.
He sounds selfish and I'd be looking to leave at some point either way. Not rtf thread so apologies if I've missed some info.
If all your kids are at school there must be something you can do?

Make the changes now, you are only 35. I am 44 and where you are, except I have a job I hate,change before its too late. The only way I can see for me is to end it all. Please don’t delay like I did as it will be too late and people won’t take a chance on you

Not sure you've wasted the 'best years' by the way as surely your best years will be without him?!
Could you move back to where you're from with the kids?

As soon as I started, he worked out what I earn and then cut that amount out of my grocery money, so i have to make up the differnce

He's financially abusing you.
Talk to Women's Aid. And get out.

Can you do a credit transfer to the OU? I think there's about a 16 year leeway for this. So you need to do so soon. You could always apply for student finance, certainly if you do a STEM subject they allow you to apply for student finance even if you've received it for another degree.

My advice is pick your poison, its hard being with him, it will be hard reinventing yourself, but there is always a way forwards. Do you want to wake up in 5 years asking yourself what if.....

I was in the same situation. I could have done a degree in my 30's, but didn't. I did in my 40's. Each decade it gets a bit harder.

So what your youngest will be 18? They'll still need support. But more importantly you will get the life that you want.

It's either that, or you're in your late 40's/50 and working a minimum wage job.

I've advised my DD, now in her 30's, to start asking herself what she wants her 50's and 60's to look like. It will be no time before she is there. Or you.

You have given his needs more consideration than you should have. But you were lied to. You've got your children, so the time isn't wasted, it just wasn't used to enhance your earnings. But now you have chance.

My DD has ended up a LP and i can help because i took the opportunity to be a mature student. I can do more for my grandchildren.

It's ridiculous to think we've got to be sorted by our 30's. You know you can do a degree. Had you have waited, you don't know if you could have had the children that you wanted.

Count yoyr blessings, see the positives and plan the next 40+ years. You've got more time left than you've used, as an Adult.