Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I've wasted my best years?

203 replies

RavenClaw180 · 02/11/2019 15:10

Long story so I'll condense as much as possible - met dp aged 20, dropped out of uni in my last year due to DC1 being born. Had 2 more children. Was a sahm for 10 years while supporting dp through his study and career advancements. This required moving several times, dealing with his mood swings and stress related to his work and study. It was never feasible for me to work due to childcare costing more than my wage. Dp always swore that once his study was finished we would move into a proper home , get married and finally be able to do all the things we said we would do. Our last move was 2 years ago, to a city I dislike, that I can't wait to leave. He said it was a 1 year contract and then we would be sorted. He's just announced that he will be finished his study in april. And he has no intention of moving ever again. Or doing any of the other things I thought were part of our dreams.

AIBU to think I've wasted 14 years of my life? I have no qualifications (his study always took priority), limited work experience, and I'm completely at his mercy. I can't even leave him and move away from this shit city because of the children.

Or am I just being precious and I need to shut up and appreciate that he's worked hard?

OP posts:
CupanTaeiSiochain · 02/11/2019 16:37

ps i don't mean abandon your children forever. But you have zero bargaining power if he knows that you will not leave the children.

If you announce that you cannot afford to do another minute's childcare as you have no rights to anything, no security with regard to property (?) no freedom to work etc.. and you want to split up and talk about 50/50 childcare. Then he might be forced to place a monetary value on that childcare. If you leave, unmarried and take on all of the childcare from the get go then you will be pushing water uphill yes.

I am very sympathetic to the situation you're in right now btw. It was a hard decision for me to leave, even though he was abusive to me.

NettleTea · 02/11/2019 16:40

to people saying 'study anyway' - how is she supposed to do that when in family home? He wont pay for it and education isnt free, and she wont qualify for assistance because he earns too much.

She needs to leave and be assessed independantly.

Passthecherrycoke · 02/11/2019 16:43

What on earth does he do that took 10 years of study? An academic or medic?

OP what about concentrating on working rather than studying? What is it you actually want to do? A bachelors degree won’t qualify you for much. Is there a specific path you have in mind?

Passthecherrycoke · 02/11/2019 16:44

I should say the reason I ask is if he’s neither of those things, but an eternal student, don’t fall down that path yourself. You have a part time job already, that puts you in a strong position to progress

Original poster
RavenClaw180 · 02/11/2019 16:50

Passthecherrycoke you got it right, both. He's an academic in medicine. Hence why we've moved all over for jobs in hospitals and universities. My current job is in mental health, I've studied part time over the years and covered the first year of a psych degree. Would need a bachelors, masters and supervision. I'd still not come close to earning what he does, but it'd be enough to live comfortably.

I just don't feel that I can walk away with nothing when I've children to provide for. And I don't even have a good enough reason to leave, he's not physically abusive, he's just been stringing me along.

Should I tell him that if he wants me to stay, he has to finance my study? Would that be reasonable?

OP posts:
helpmyhead · 02/11/2019 16:50

I'll give you my story re education. Also got pregnant while at uni, managed to complete my degree two years ago by transferring my credits to a local uni. As a single parent. Yes in an ideal work I would've given my children the perfect home with ex-h but he was an abusive narcissist. Still is. If you're not happy you're kids will pick up on that anyway. Sounds like you need to break free and go your separate ways tbh. Yes it'll be hard but you can do
It on your own. If you want to,

helpmyhead · 02/11/2019 16:51

Plus you don't need to be earning his wage. You just need enough to be comfortable.

Blueshadow · 02/11/2019 16:53

Can you get in contact with your old university and see if they have any record of you passing the first and second years? Do you have any access to any income or assets at all?

Passthecherrycoke · 02/11/2019 16:53

Wow Op you have so much potential! Of course he should finance your study.

SlightlySeethrough · 02/11/2019 16:54

The reason you are stuck is because you are holding out for something that isn't going to happen. And the longer it doesn't happen, the longer you have committed and the harder it is to effectively throw all that time away.

So you are frozen.

You HAVE to reset your brain. It's the only way. You must accept that you are not getting the happy next chapter you imagined and that if you leave it to him, all that will happen is that more time will pass. And you will be older and more resentful as each year passes.

BRAIN RESET

It's not going to be how you imagined. But that's ok
He is not the supportive person he pretended to be. But that's ok
You have spent time and invested in the marriage. But that's ok.
You are not getting support or encouragement to move forward the way you want to. But that's ok.

It's all ok as long as you now take responsibility for your happiness and future. it's hard. It's effort. It's overwhelming but six years is nothing. And during those six years you and your children will have brilliant times, happy memories and be looking forward instead of stuck. Just because you will be studying, it doesn't mean there is no time for life. And you will feel amazing because your goals will be in sight.

Do EVERYTHING you need to do for you now. He is a selfish arse.

Original poster
RavenClaw180 · 02/11/2019 16:55

Passthecheerrycoke, what is the potential you are seeing? I just see a person who tried and failed

OP posts:
Original poster
RavenClaw180 · 02/11/2019 16:57

Thank you slightlyseethrough. A brain reset is a good way to look at it. I need reprogramming

OP posts:
CupanTaeiSiochain · 02/11/2019 16:57

Of course it's reasonable.

You have done all of the childcare. From now on, that won't be happening.

He will not change anything unless he believes that you are prepared to walk away. He will capitalise on your selflessness to see the children not be unsettled.

For me, it was one thing at a time. I haven't studied, but maybe that's the next goal.

Smelborp · 02/11/2019 17:01

You can be happier, but he’s not going to help you and it sounds like he may actually hinder you. He’s actively chosen to hold you back. Personally I couldn’t accept that.

You may not get the ideal life you hoped for, but you can still be more content and happy than you are now. It does need tough choices and bravery though but it is possible and you can do it.

Countryescape · 02/11/2019 17:02

Sounds like an awful situation but also that you are not willing to stand up to your partner. He’s the problem. So what if your kids will be 18 when you’re finished training. That’s irrelevant. Make your own life. It’s obvious your partner doesn’t really give a shit about you.

mrsmuddlepies · 02/11/2019 17:06

Your points fro uni will enable you to finish your degree in an accelerated time period. JDI

artnouveau · 02/11/2019 17:06

Should I tell him that if he wants me to stay, he has to finance my study? Would that be reasonable?

Yes, and all the other stuff you had planned together.

TheABC · 02/11/2019 17:06

Ok, here's the alternative.

You stay with him. I think I am correct in saying he has not contributed to your pension, you are not married, have no access to finances and you are not on the mortgage.

If you do nothing in the next 6 years, you are fucked, financially for old age. He can literally kick you out on your arse and you have no claim on him. Oh, and the state pension (please tell me you claim child benefit to keep your NI contributions up!), does not start until you are 68.

Walk away. Put a contact plan in place that forces him to pick up half the burden of childcare. Start studying now: even if it's going to take 6 years, you will still be earning a good wage by the time you are 45. It sounds like your eldest is appproaching independence anyway at 12, at least for after school childcare. Your others will be doing so in the next 4 years.

Why on earth don't you want more freedom for yourself? Or at least for your 75 year old self who is dependent on her miserable husband and gets no treats or time away as it's "his" money.

dreichsky · 02/11/2019 17:06

It would be absolutely reasonable to insist on being given money for studying.
You have very few rights in the situation you are in but if you can wring the money for studying out him before you leave qualified in a few years so much the better.
Leaving and starting from scratch may also be more possible than you think.

Flobbertybillop · 02/11/2019 17:07

I had this thought process about being too old to start again (and I’m over 10 years older than you). Someone said to me, “you won’t retire until 65/70, that’s 20/25 years of working, if I take 5 years to qualify in my chosen field then that still gives me 20 odd years of working.

It’s not too late if you really want to do it.

hangingabout · 02/11/2019 17:07

I’m so sorry to read all this OP. Can I ask -

Why have you not got married?
Are all your DC in school now?
Why don’t you have access to all the money?
Where do you live and where would you like to live ideally?

manteray · 02/11/2019 17:09

btw, you haven't "wasted" your best years if you have brought up 3 children! Bringing up children is important, and you have also helped make a home for your partner. You have not protected yourself economically, thats the issue.

manteray · 02/11/2019 17:10

sorry should have said the main issue.

Mumofone1962 · 02/11/2019 17:13

This may not be useful information to you, so sorry if it isn't appropriate - I didn't finnish uni but becuase I had done 2 years I went to Open University and got an 'open degree' which took 2 years part time aka 4/5 hours a week (more for assignments) I had enough credits from my 2 years of study so it didn't take me long to graduate at all.

You haven't wasted your years as your children will remember having you around and knowing you were always there. If you don't want to tell your husband about uni (he seems like he is controlling) you could do it in secret. You need to put yourself and children first and equipping yourself with as much experience and qualifications as you can stands you in good stead for if you do choose to leave the horrible city you are in at the moment.

FilthyforFirth · 02/11/2019 17:17

Are your parents still around? Because in your situation I would go home. Take the kids and if your parents are able to, let them help you out while you re-train. I dont see that staying is an option. Do you have daughters? What advice would you give them?