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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I've wasted my best years?

203 replies

RavenClaw180 · 02/11/2019 15:10

Long story so I'll condense as much as possible - met dp aged 20, dropped out of uni in my last year due to DC1 being born. Had 2 more children. Was a sahm for 10 years while supporting dp through his study and career advancements. This required moving several times, dealing with his mood swings and stress related to his work and study. It was never feasible for me to work due to childcare costing more than my wage. Dp always swore that once his study was finished we would move into a proper home , get married and finally be able to do all the things we said we would do. Our last move was 2 years ago, to a city I dislike, that I can't wait to leave. He said it was a 1 year contract and then we would be sorted. He's just announced that he will be finished his study in april. And he has no intention of moving ever again. Or doing any of the other things I thought were part of our dreams.

AIBU to think I've wasted 14 years of my life? I have no qualifications (his study always took priority), limited work experience, and I'm completely at his mercy. I can't even leave him and move away from this shit city because of the children.

Or am I just being precious and I need to shut up and appreciate that he's worked hard?

OP posts:
73Sunglasslover · 02/11/2019 17:19

Sunglasses, you mentioned compromise....how much do I compromise here? Stay with him but only of he agrees to move? Or is that emotional blackmail?
I have no idea what is normal or reasonable

I don't really mean you should compromise, I mean no-one really gets their dream. The compromise is letting go of the dream.

I would not focus too much on the moving as the problems with the relationship are deep-seated and fundemental. If you can get him to move with such a demand than that may help a little but he will still not consider your needs and you will still never achieve your dream.

You have no idea what's reasonable or normal as you have been with someone who is not thinking about your needs for a long time. It will take time to readjust and start to free up your thinking. In a good relationship it is normal and reasonable for everyone's needs to matter and to make decisions together. Start with that. Is he treating you like you matter? That doesn't mean doing everything you want but working with you to make things work as much as they can for the whole family. If he isn't the relationship is in trouble.

I would second what others have said - will therapy help? You have no friends you feel you can confide in and you're confused about whether what you are asking is even reasonable. You seem lovely and reflective and I think you can use therapy. I, btw, would have no hesitation in fudging why you are going in order to get your OH as on board as you need him to support that. If you feel it will help smooth the path to therapy tell him you want to be a better partner and more able to meet the families needs. Don't tell him you're thinking of leaving or he will ramp up the pressure on you to see things his way. You need space to properly think for yourself.

NettleTea · 02/11/2019 17:21

trouble is, you cant trust him to follow through. He may agree to pay for your study and then withdraw the offer. He may decide to do something that prevents you taking your exams. He may pay for 2 years and then refuse the last one.
Why do you think you could trust him?
FFs he even reduces your housekeeping by the amount you earn in order to not allow you any financial freedom at all.

73Sunglasslover · 02/11/2019 17:21

I would also challenge whether you would get maintenance if you left. Do not listen to his threats about this. I don't think he will struggle to hide his earnings much as a medic and he will not reduce his hours to nothing as he is driven to succeed and will not want his career affected. He will tell you that though as he knows that will have an impact on you and make you more likely to do what he wants.

IsItChristmas · 02/11/2019 17:22

You need to abandon this role of a victim. You are in a vulnerable position but there are things you can do. Set yourself some goals, and go get it.

Try WOOP technique perhaps? Stands for wish, outcome, obstacle, plan. woopmylife.org/

Blaming others is counterproductive even if the blame is justified. It'll get you nowhere.

73Sunglasslover · 02/11/2019 17:23

Should I tell him that if he wants me to stay, he has to finance my study? Would that be reasonable?

Would that make the relationship fulfilling for you? Do you think you can ask for more in life than just that? I don't think it's entirely unreasonable to say this but it's not what happens in healthy relationships.

Taswama · 02/11/2019 17:24

Can you look online to work out what benefits you would be entitled to if you left him? He does sound financially controlling to me.

NettleTea · 02/11/2019 17:25

oh and please please right now register an interest in the family home. I doubt you are on the deeds but the fact that you have been a SAHM and moved around to enable his career/wage you MAY have a chance of a claim against it, or in the minimum prevent him selling it without your permission.
And if you dont get child benefit, get that claim in now too. He can offset it from his income. you need those NI payments, and look into backdating them if its possible.
those are a couple of things you can do right now to make yourself slightly more secure. Little steps towards your own financial future

Original poster
RavenClaw180 · 02/11/2019 17:29

Its my understanding that if I leave him now, I can't move away from the area we are in currently? So we would need to all move together to somewhere I want to live, then leave, is that right?

I've no family to move back to. I think my best option is to move is somewhere that I want to live, get as much study done as I can whilst working part time, then leave if things are no better. That would put me in the strongest position wouldn't it?

OP posts:
CupanTaeiSiochain · 02/11/2019 17:31

''Walk away. Put a contact plan in place that forces him to pick up half the burden of childcare. Start studying now: even if it's going to take 6 years, you will still be earning a good wage by the time you are 45. It sounds like your eldest is appproaching independence anyway at 12, at least for after school childcare. Your others will be doing so in the next 4 years.''

I agree with this. It will be very very hard to walk away from your DC but you need to start looking after yourself financially. Your old age will be worse if you don't. A man like this isn't going to ''stick with you'' when the kids leave home.

unfathomablefathoms · 02/11/2019 17:31

Did you actually attend the Freedom Programme? Or just look it up then ask him if he thought he was abusive and would he mind stopping?

He's not going to stop abusing you. It doesn't happen by mistake - this is how he wants it. It is not something that will stop if you explain to him he is abusing you - he knows. Of course he didn't agree with you! He doesn't want to lose control of you, which is all this is about. (If you leave he loses control, if he stops abusing you he loses control.)

It's really upsetting how much he's broken you down and the depth of abuse he has trained you to accept as normal.

You're too young to throw your life away like this. Please don't let him destroy your whole future.

CupanTaeiSiochain · 02/11/2019 17:33

I'd get a solicitor to draft something up to say that you can no longer tolerate 100% of the financial sacrifice for raising the children and that it must borne equally. Point out that that is no reflection of your love for your children, after all, your x has not taken a hit to his salary, savings, pensions, career trajectory over the last xx years but you don't question his love for his children.

See what happens.

unfathomablefathoms · 02/11/2019 17:34

Be careful of basing your decision making on information he has given or threats he has made.

CupanTaeiSiochain · 02/11/2019 17:36

Yes, I believe you can move anywhere in the UK (if that's where you are). I know when my x was trying to have me ordered back to the UK, I decided i would live in wales rather than London. I just couldn't afford London. It could be interpreted that you're removing the children from their habitual domicile if you take them with you so maybe you should go first on your own, to set up and that will show him that you mean business, and also, to be honest, it would show your children the choice they'd be making. Better they know.

dottiedodah · 02/11/2019 17:36

I think you are setting yourself inside a "Prison" of your own making TBH .Many people dream of a "perfect life" but thats all it is really a dream ! .I feel for you but you have to let go of the ideal and realise that you have to deal with the here and now .Can your parents help you at all? If you are in UK then you will surely be able to sign on and get benefits for your DC as well .If you can get help for a deposit on a home then you will be on your way to an independent life .Sadly unless you are married to a millionaire your income will take a hit ,but you have to weigh this up against your feelings in this relationship .Many people will take the easy way and stay with someone because of this ,but there are ways out if you want there to be !

CupanTaeiSiochain · 02/11/2019 17:38

I would go to a solicitor though.

You need to make it clear that you have woken up to the enormous cost of this arrangement and that it will not continue as is, regardless of what he tells you is reasonable. He doesn't get to be the judge of what is reasonable. You can leave. You can leave with the DC. You can leave without them for a while.

This type of man sees no horror greater than being in charge of the children.

Pringlesfortea · 02/11/2019 17:38

He’s only able to work because you have the kids.
Apply for a full time job.
Leave him to sort out childcare.
Start getting every ready to leave him.
He will have to pay maintenance,you need to be tough
Put yourself first.

Pringlesfortea · 02/11/2019 17:38

CAb will help you ,visit them for advice

Velveteenfruitbowl · 02/11/2019 17:40

I was in a similar situation to you. Young and pregnant to a significantly higher earning spouse. Once my husband tried to take a similar stance to yours. He worked hard, he provided, the money was rightfully his etc etc. I set him straight. I spelled out exactly what marrying him and being the one to do the vast majority of the childcare etc cost me. He knows better than to think that he’s done any more than I have for my family. I really sympathise for you in that it’s a very awkward position to be in and it’s so easy to let yourself deny your own needs for the benefit of your children. But no one is going advocate for what you deserve except you.

Set him straight, demand he pays for your education and repays the years of support you gave him and be prepared to leave and do it alone if he’s too much of an arsehole to do the right thing.

Supersimkin2 · 02/11/2019 17:43

You can leave. But you're depressed so it feels impossible.

See a doctor first. Don't tell DP.

I think wanting a dream home might be a bit ambitious. Couples who both work full-time don't get that. Also training as a professional - get a job first, get a career in the evenings. Probably not an idea to have more DC at this point.

magicautumnalhues · 02/11/2019 17:45

you had your first DC at 20, you'll be 38 when they're 18 - I don't see that as particularly old to be kicking off in a career - you've plenty of good earning potential left. You definitely need to do something about studying NOW but the situation isn't gloomy, you are a way off facing a penniless old age and have time to turn it around. Your DP sounds awful, you know he is and you need to make a better plan.

catismychild · 02/11/2019 17:51

You absolutely haven't left it too late to retrain and build a career for yourself. My mum was in a similar position to you, basically stuck with my dad who paid the mortgage and bills. Then she went to university in her mid 30's and retrained as a nurse. She now owns her own home, nice car, travels several times a year to exotic places, goes out and socialises wherever and whenever she wants. Her life is infinitely better in her 40's than it ever was in her 20's and 30's. Go for it!

MostlyHappyMummy · 02/11/2019 18:13

Apprenticeships especially in the public sector hav no upper age limit. Try the local council or NHS. The first year is low pay but then you'll be able to move wherever you want as long there's a job you can do.
You'll be in a much stronger position to leave once you're working full time.
If he sabotages your attempt at working by refusing to do any childcare then leaving is the only option. With top up benefits and child support, you'll survive
Wishing you well

Mummy0ftwo12 · 02/11/2019 18:36

I read recently that people tend not to make uncomfortable changes until it becomes more uncomfortable to stay as they are.

So you can stay as you and not have any financial security / career dreams and just deal with the resentment and run the risk that you will have to make the uncomfortable changes if/when 10 years down the line your partner decides its over and gives you nothing. (50% of marriages end in divorce?)

Or you can start your studying asap, tell your partner its happening end of story and insist on either marriage or legal financial security, then if the worse happens a few years down the line you will be in a much better position.

Carabello · 02/11/2019 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Onceafrog · 02/11/2019 20:06

People move away (often back home) when they split up all the time. Stay in same country though.