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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I've wasted my best years?

203 replies

RavenClaw180 · 02/11/2019 15:10

Long story so I'll condense as much as possible - met dp aged 20, dropped out of uni in my last year due to DC1 being born. Had 2 more children. Was a sahm for 10 years while supporting dp through his study and career advancements. This required moving several times, dealing with his mood swings and stress related to his work and study. It was never feasible for me to work due to childcare costing more than my wage. Dp always swore that once his study was finished we would move into a proper home , get married and finally be able to do all the things we said we would do. Our last move was 2 years ago, to a city I dislike, that I can't wait to leave. He said it was a 1 year contract and then we would be sorted. He's just announced that he will be finished his study in april. And he has no intention of moving ever again. Or doing any of the other things I thought were part of our dreams.

AIBU to think I've wasted 14 years of my life? I have no qualifications (his study always took priority), limited work experience, and I'm completely at his mercy. I can't even leave him and move away from this shit city because of the children.

Or am I just being precious and I need to shut up and appreciate that he's worked hard?

OP posts:
orangeteal · 02/11/2019 16:16

And FYI my mum restarted at 55, moved, divorced, new career, and my Grandmother- upped sticks and left my grandfather in her 70s. The only thing stopping you, is you.

Waveysnail · 02/11/2019 16:16

Ok so he dossnt want to leave the city. Are you going to buy a house together in the city? Is it the not being married that's bugging you? You made some decisions like dropping out of uni and having two more children. You need to decide what exactly you want!

AgnesGrundy · 02/11/2019 16:17

RavenClaw180 ah sorry I didn't see your last post.

He is financially abusive and controlling in that he tries to stop you studying and working.

That's the actual problem.

It will get worst though, if you stay. It makes it much, much harder to get out but also means that you have no choice.

Do you jointly own the house or any assets? I assume not?

Blueshadow · 02/11/2019 16:18

It is the power balance here that is really holding you back. Married couples support each other with their ventures and ambitions. Yes, the priorities might go one way or another for a few years, but the ambition should always be for the contentment of both. Are you ever going to get what you need to thrive with your husband?

Pandainmyporridge · 02/11/2019 16:18

Him saying he won't move again doesn't mean he won't, even if it's what he wants now. Do you have family you could move back closer to? Women leave with their children every day.
You could improve your present situation without having to become whatever his job is.
I think you'd be happiest if you left but if you plan to stay it would be worth getting married for the sake of a future divorce (I know that sounds awful, but you have given up so much for his career without the benefit of a legal arrangement).

CupanTaeiSiochain · 02/11/2019 16:18

ps, I'm not surprised you feel low. You need to channel your inner warrior now. The last thing you need to do is ''resign yourself''.

That's what would suit your H down to the ground.

You deserve to find some fulfilment yourself and if any attempts to find fulfilment result in your H punishing you in some way then he is not a person who you can grow old and happy with. And you know that. And you're struggling to accept that.
I don't think anybody who is living consciously can ever shrug and accept the fact that their life partner wants them to serve rather than be fulfilled.

So it's only too late if you don't start now. Or soon!

FusionChefGeoff · 02/11/2019 16:21

He thinks he is much much better than you and that you are there to provide a service for him.

If you don't like the sound of that then it's time to start making escape plans as he's absolutely revealed his true feelings here.

You don't necessarily need to recreate his qualification path ie degree, post grad & supervision. You could retrain in something that doesn't need all the supplementary qualifications in 3 years or even less and be in a better place than you are now emotionally. He'd have to pay maintenance and you'd be entitled to benefits. Yes, it will be difficult financially for a few years but otherwise this will be your life forever.

Please don't put up with him and this life just because he's not physically abusive!

Original poster
RavenClaw180 · 02/11/2019 16:21

Thank you Cupan. I am struggling to come to terms with it. I keep thinking it will get better. I was so sure that once he finished his study it would magically improve, but he's made it clear it will not.

OP posts:
CupanTaeiSiochain · 02/11/2019 16:22

Ah, I see you're not married. That's tough.

If he is not abusive, I'd consider leaving him with the DC until he comes up with a financial settlement.

Women in your shoes leave with the DC. If he's not abusive, leave without the children, get a job, and be the weekend parent.

You have sacrificed enough.

Original poster
RavenClaw180 · 02/11/2019 16:23

He absolutely would not ever pay maintenance. Of that I am sure. He would cut his hours down or hide income somehow.

OP posts:
Pippa12 · 02/11/2019 16:23

I’m saying this kindly... your making excuses. You could go back to uni, do a 3 year degree and get a decent salary to support your children. You may not have your ‘dream’ home but it’d be worlds apart from what your living with now. Don’t let your children grown up in a unhappy home with an emotionally abusive father, things haven’t worked out how you’d like them but there is only you that can change this situation.

HelloDulling · 02/11/2019 16:23

Unfortunately things don’t magically improve. If you want things to change, you have to change something. Where do you live?

CupanTaeiSiochain · 02/11/2019 16:25

I left with NOTHING, not a pot to piss in. I was 37 unmarried, no rights and I had two dependents and no degree, no job, nothing. To make matters worse, when I relocated to a cheaper area, the only industry i had experience in didn't really exist in the same way in the area I'd moved to. But that was over a decade ago and I have built a life that is my own now. What age are you? Not that it makes that much of a difference because so long as you have life left in you, if you know you're being used, then it'll eat you up if you stay.

To be brutal I know my x would have booted me out as soon as the kids were older anyway. I'd have had nothing.

Original poster
RavenClaw180 · 02/11/2019 16:25

I could not leave the dc with him. He has never looked after them before. All attempts in the past has seen him either leave them in front of the tele.for the day or drop them off with the nearest female friend. I couldn't do that to them. Especially as the eldest would see it as their responsibility to take care of the youngest

OP posts:
Original poster
RavenClaw180 · 02/11/2019 16:27

I know I'm making excuses
Giving up on dreams is hard. And I know if I say anything to him he will be really really lovely until I give in.

OP posts:
Original poster
RavenClaw180 · 02/11/2019 16:28

Cupan, I strongly suspect mine will also hoof me out as soon as the dc's are grown.

OP posts:
orangeteal · 02/11/2019 16:29

Don't give in then, unless you want to be back here in 10 years saying you've wasted the last 25 years.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 02/11/2019 16:32

Just do the qualification you want to do. Do you think that’s incompatible with raising dc?
Plenty of people study with young kids and they do well.
Stop wasting your years putting up with this dissatisfied life. Get your qualification, get the relevant work experience (voluntary too if that’s possible), raise your kids and you won’t look back in another 3 years thinking more wasted years.

CupanTaeiSiochain · 02/11/2019 16:34

No no, i get it. It's hard. If the oldest would look after the youngest, could you take the eldest with you?

Nothing will change if you don't do something so whatever you do decide to do will not be perfect.

You're probably trying to think of something where the children aren't inconvenienced AT ALL but realistically I don't think that's possible and in the future it may benefit them to know and to see that you are a strong person.

If you square up to do the childcare for free (basically) as you have been doing then why would he give you anything.

Where are your parents? Can you afford anything at all, a one bedroom place and take the eldest with you while you increase your hours?

Your younger children will miss you of course they will but there is no perfect solution.

Pandainmyporridge · 02/11/2019 16:34

What were the dreams you thought would come true? A nicer house in a different place, marriage, anything else? You could have the first two of those without him.
He sounds pretty rubbish even if he did suddenly hand over the cash card. What kind of man can't look after his own children.

beckyvardy · 02/11/2019 16:34

The thing is op he is telling you he won't do any of the things he promised.

He's actively stoping you reaching your dreams whilst you stay with him.

By staying with him, your definitely not going to have the life you want.

Fuck him off today before you waste anymore time on him. Meet someone else who will appreciate you xx

manteray · 02/11/2019 16:35

Honestly, I don't normally say "see a therapist" but it might help you on your way to realise your options.

How old is your youngest? He would have to help support the family home i.e. where the children are if you separated. So there is a chance for you to build a new life, start studying or working more. But because you aren't married, once that time window is gone, and the children are grown, he owes you precisely zero, though you have supported him studying working etc. I'm sure you know that.

How old is your youngest?

Elle7rose · 02/11/2019 16:35

No you haven't wasted the best years of your life. You have 3 kids and will have grown through all of your life experiences; even if those haven't involved as much study or work as you'd have liked.

You are still young and can study alongside parenting- either by studying part-time at a brick University or studying towards an online course. What would you like to do for work if you had a degree (and postgrad if nec)?

NettleTea · 02/11/2019 16:36

is he employed or self employed. I doubt he would drop his wages and hours because that would seriously impact his standard of living and he is unlikely to want that, especially as he may have to start paying for a cleaner / his own food etc.

and child maintanance CAN and DO apply directly to employers to get maintanance where the absent parent proves tricky. And not many men appreciate that embarrassment

you dont need to leave DC with him, and to be honest it will be up to him to make the effort to see them. He may not. Any future relationship with them is his responsibility, not yours to worry about.

They at least sound of an age where they are not going to need childminders if your hours go a bit later or earlier. They will adjust.

Yes, and as another poster said, once kids are gone whats to stop him throwing you out anyway? I imagine he has everything in his name only so you are very vulnerable.

You need to start thinking about your own future security. You have had some NI contributions while recieving child benefit (unless of course he has cancelled CB because he earns too much) but you need to build a pension - can you see him sharing his?? if you dont have enough contributions by retirement you wont get a state pension at all.

manteray · 02/11/2019 16:36

I meant legally owes you nothing once the children are grown because you aren't married. Is the house in both your names if you own it?

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