To think I've wasted my best years?

[RavenClaw180]

Long story so I'll condense as much as possible - met dp aged 20, dropped out of uni in my last year due to DC1 being born. Had 2 more children. Was a sahm for 10 years while supporting dp through his study and career advancements. This required moving several times, dealing with his mood swings and stress related to his work and study. It was never feasible for me to work due to childcare costing more than my wage. Dp always swore that once his study was finished we would move into a proper home , get married and finally be able to do all the things we said we would do. Our last move was 2 years ago, to a city I dislike, that I can't wait to leave. He said it was a 1 year contract and then we would be sorted. He's just announced that he will be finished his study in april. And he has no intention of moving ever again. Or doing any of the other things I thought were part of our dreams.

AIBU to think I've wasted 14 years of my life? I have no qualifications (his study always took priority), limited work experience, and I'm completely at his mercy. I can't even leave him and move away from this shit city because of the children.

Or am I just being precious and I need to shut up and appreciate that he's worked hard?

No not at all, you have not only done what we all have, whereby having kids means you sacrifice things in your own life. You have also done the same for your partner, which was unfair of him to expect you to put all on hold, so that he could carry on with his life, but from my experience this is what sometimes when kids are involved, one relies far too much on the other.

I would be explaining that although you was happy all those years ago to accommodate and it was beneficial for him to do the things he needed to, that you need to also do things in your life. I assume he has been the main financial contributor during those years?

@RavenClaw180 you need a new dream. The old one has been pulled out from under you and is
no longer tenable.
Time to look out for yourself now, he won't do it for you

'To earn what he's on now I'd need to do a bachelors, a masters, plus one year supervision.'

You don't have to earn the same as him. I know you wouldn't want your DCs to live on less money- but there's more to life than money.

'not eligible for student finance as he earns far to much.'

I think you might be able to get some student loan. I know people don't like the idea of them, but no-one has to even start paying it back until they're earning a decent wage.

'As soon as I started, he worked out what I earn and then cut that amount out of my grocery money, so i have to make up the differnce.'

This is financial abuse.

'And I don't even have a good enough reason to leave, he's not physically abusive, he's just been stringing me along.'

You do- he's financially abusive, tried to mess up your studies, and is a wanker.

Whatever these dreams you had as part of a couple- being with this guy is not a dream, it's a nightmare.

My mum retrained in her late 30s and early 40s. It took about 6 years. As I was finishing school her career was taking off. She had 20 years in her new career before retirement and she fulfilled some personal dreams. She was completely ground down - studying and pursuing her interests built her back up.

Pringlesfortea

He’s only able to work because you have the kids.
Apply for a full time job.
Leave him to sort out childcare.
Start getting every ready to leave him.
He will have to pay maintenance,you need to be tough
Put yourself first.

I fully agree. Asking him to agree with maintenance, more money, study funding etc won't work as you have already tried and he has flatly refused. Get him by surprise knowing that he will have to deal with a FINISHED FACT and not requests. Your are not a teenager having to beg for pocket money from your daddy!!

How did he manage to take money off you for the grocery? He can buy the grocery by himself!

Also, how does he know how many ours you work if you are mainly a SAHP? How would he find out if you increased your hours?

He is very controlling. Can't you apply for a student loan?

Are you married? If not, that would be my first goal. Once you're married you get entitled to a whole lot more when you break up.

He has to raise the kids too OP. It's not just on you. Suck it up if you want out and want the life you deserve. Your kids are all school age right? He doesn't get to say no. Stand up for yourself. He is emotionally manipulative, passive agressive and emotionally abusive. And you know it. How is you tolerating that setting a good example for your kids.

So what if your DS will be 18 when you hit that landmark... He'll be a lot older if you don't choose to do it now.

I’m a lot older than you and I got my degree in my 40s. Do it. You don’t have to do a masters. Or what about professional training. What job would you like to do? Teaching? Nursing? What’s your dream? Tell us what you imagine and we can hell you maybe get there. At the moment you are being defeatist. This is now your time. So what if your eldest is 18 when you get to where you want. At that point they will be leaving home and off to uni so it’s good you’ll then have a career to focus on. If you wanted to be a teacher it would take 4 years. 1st degree and then pgce. You could be earning a good wage and have loads of new friends 4 years from now.

It is a bit dangerous to rely on your partner to finance your studies, even if you manage to persuade him to as he will use that to control you even more.

Is it possible to persuade your employer or get a job with an employer who is prepared to fund your training or some qualifications?

Even if you cannot study, can you work more hours and gain more experience in your current role to progress to a better paying role. Your last dc will leave the home soon and after that, you have more time to take up studying.

I don't buy this house dream of yours. That dream is over. It never was.

Lots of women work ft with dcs around this age. I am sorry your dp strung you along but if so, you should now more than ever be wanting to shore up your career. The fact that you instead want to spend more time with your home suggests that you preferred to be a SAHM anyway. Therefore, have you really wasted the best years of your life or was that the life you sort of wanted for yourself anyway with the payoff at the end of putting your feet up in your home.

Very few people can do that and if they do, they tend to be married. Sorry to be harsh but did you in your 14 years get an inkling of the measure of your dp?

Hi op, sorry I've not read all the thread.
Just about retraining or getting a degree.

I did this once my children were school age, it's taken 5 years for an access course, 3yr degree and 1 year post grad study. Honestly, studying fit more in with family life than working ever did. And I did an NHS course (not nursing or medical).

My husband is pretty grumpy and not particularly encouraging, but I'm stubborn and it did us good that he had to step up a bit with the kids while on placement.

He sounds blo9dy awful and I think you need to leave him before you so anything else.

whilst marriage is usually the best option, if your DP refuses to fund. your studies and that'll carry on, won't move and is financially controlling, I'm not sure - you definitely need legal advice op.

Firstly, the time was spent on raising a family and that was a life choice. I'm pretty sure you don't regret your family therefore no time has been wasted.

We are all in positions is...if we knew then what we know now.

Getting a degree is not the answer to all jobs. Admittedly it's s step in the right direction but the most successful people I know don't have degrees.

The things you need to do are...

Stop being negative
Remove any blame in your mind as this is circumstance not a problem
Think about what you are good at
Think about what you enjoy
Think about what hours and effort you really want to put in because work isn't a joy ride it's a rollercoaster no matter what you do
Think about the support you have from your partner and family
Think about the travel and times you'll be out of the house
Etc...

The main thing is don't expect to be a CEO three months after starting a job.

Leaving your partner because you blame him for lack of opportunity is completely the wrong way of thinking. Leave him if you're not happy with him and for no other reason but actually, try and work out and accept equal responsibility.

Good luck

Physical abuse is not the only reason to leave a relationship.

I left my relationship (of similar circumstances to yours) because he was a wanker. Or, to put it another way, I just wasn’t happy and we wanted different things.

I had nothing at the time - no job even. I did manage to scrape together enough money for the move but that was it. I had to go on benefits. I was on them for a year, then I began to rebuild my life. Now I have the career I’d dreamed of years ago.

My children were 6 and 2 when I left. They are now 11 and 7.

You can def get a student loan despite his income. I've done the same this year started my psychology degree part time with the OU - yes it will take me 4-6 years as I have a toddler at home so have to work around her, if all of yours are at school it's 3 years full time you could easily do it while they are at school, plus they do take into account your previous study so if you've already done two years you def don't have to start again you'd only do what's left so will be even quicker for you! Getting the student loan is actually better than asking your OH to fund it as you won't have that thrown back at you or hanging over you in the future and you only start to pay the loan back once you earn over £27k and it's only like £35 a month! So please look into that!

I'm married with 3 kids -11, 8 & 2 I worked part time until 2 years ago when we moved and my youngest was born I've been SAHM since then. I have been married 9 years tho and it was a joint decision and the house is in both our names. My DH earns 5X more than I did part time too and I was and still am happy to do the majority of childcare and home stuff - some people might see it is a waste of career etc but I don't at all and you shouldn't either @RavenClaw180 you haven't wasted this time you have raised a family.... the only thing that you've possibly wasted your time on is him?

The study/work you can sort out now. Your relationship is up to you - you can enrol for a February start with OU. Do you still love him and see a future with him? Do you think it's worth trying to salvage it? If so, Would he agree to counselling? Why doesn't he want to get married? What's changed if he promised that before....is there someone else? If you no longer love him or want to stay together then you can leave. Yes it will be hard as you won't have a comfortable life but you will get through it and you will be entitled to child benefit, tax credits, potentially housing benefit etc all stuff you can't claim while staying with a high earner, he will also have to pay you maintenance which is related to his income and the number of children so it will be a decent amount! Plus you won't have to answer to anyone else.

I wouldn't leave without the children even temporarily as a pp suggested though because if things get messy and go through court for residency and access etc the judges will tend to stick with the status quo and award residency to who the children are currently settled with so unless that's something you want long term I'd think carefully about that as your OH could easily use that against you - say you walked out on your children etc.

Careers are built and an expensive degree won’t necessarily help you with that straight away when you are over 25. In many cases it might not even be required. What was your original subject in? I got a diploma after withdrawing from uni early in a subject that is now in short supply in the civil service and I have had cold calls asking if I would be willing to support some projects. All you need is an in - go to the job centre or find a local recruitment consultancy (Hays is pretty good) and get them to help you with your CV job applications.

To give you an idea - at the age of 30 I went from 2 years experience in a call centre to junior IT project manager at a bank with only my ‘drop out diploma’ (in my mum’s words) to my name. 8 years later I earn 2 x what my high earning and masters educated DP earns because project and programme management in banking is a huge deal.

I have only started studying recently with the OU and that’s only because I want to move into consultancy

I agree, you sound like you don't want this fixed. None of us can change the past.

"I'd need to do a bachelors, a masters, plus one year supervision. Thats 6 years. Full time. My oldest would be 18 by then. "

So, get going? And don't be so defeatist. as a pp said you might be able to transfer over some of your units, you might now only need to do two years of a degree rather than the three.

meanwhile you can get a better part-time job during this time, and then a better part-time job after. and there's loads of opportunities to move things forward, bit by bit, over the next 6 years.

Rather than a psych degree, far better to do a 3 year mental health nurding BN & walk into a job. They are crying out for mental health nurses & I know unemployed people with psych degrees going back to do a BN to get a job. Just 3 years and so what if the children are older? They will get older anyway, whatever you do, so do something for yourself while that happens.

Only you can get yourself out of this rut. You can't change someone else, so focus on yourself.

OP, ime, you need to not ask your DP about having any of the things you agreed to, you need to just start doing them. Make a list of things you always thought you;d have and then start prepping them. Research nice safe towns and homes for sale in them. Have a think abotu what sort of wedding you might like. Then pitch it to him that the last ten years have been a slog and he's worked so hard and you've both made sacrifices, but now it's time to live some of the dreams you planned. He may need time to come around.

Also, decide what you want to do to further your career and do it. Set it up. Explain to him it's your turn and you will now do your training to enhance yoru earning prospects. The childcare costs should be split equally between you, as should any taking time off because DC are ill etc. Just do it. You don't need to ask for permission. IMe, DH will stall if I try to ask for changes in our life but just blink and say OK if I present them as fact. It took me years to learn that but life has been so much more balanced ever since.

@RavenClaw180

I’d say if he wants you to stay then he needs to marry you. Just a quick registry office thing. You need the legal protection of marriage especially as his earnings are likely to increase, and you’re worried he’ll ditch you when the kids are grown. His wedding gift to you can be a p/t degree course

You seem to be saying that because he’s not physically abusive, he’s not that bad and you should tolerate his shitty behaviour. He is that bad, he’s financially abusive and purposefully prevents you from exceeding in your career. He is not a nice person.

Firstly, the time was spent on raising a family and that was a life choice. I'm pretty sure you don't regret your family therefore no time has been wasted
I'm really sorry that you feel clearly very upset and disappointed with the way your relationship and life has turned out at this moment, but I don't think your anger is rightly placed.

The issue is that you opted to have children early in your relationship and then to have three. If the decision had been that your OH stayed at home to look after the children, whilst you were focusing on your career, then it is very possible that he would be in the situation that you are now himself and angry with you. You had wonderful years at home with three children, something that many women would trade their career for.

What you need to do is focus on the future. If what you want is to now focus on your career, you can do so, you just need to plan accordingly. You still have plenty of time to do so and have it all, the children and career.

Use the energy you are generating being angry to plan what you want to do and take it step by step. Anger aimed at your OH is misdirected. You were very much part of the choices you made in your life together.

By putting in the study now you may not have the home you wanted for your children, but any future grandchildren will have a lovely place to come. There is life beyond our own child rearing days.