To ask what to do now dd has been caught shoplifting?

[Carrotsontrees]

I’m at a bit of a loss at what to do and can’t feel any anger, only disappointment. This afternoon I got a call from dd’s (15 years old) phone and it was a loss prevention manager of a high street store telling me I needed to pick her up as she was caught shoplifting. She was visibly upset when there, had definitely been crying, but look so ashamed and could barely look at me when apologising. Luckily, they didn’t press charges or involve the police and she got away with a ban from the shop but I don’t know if I need to take this further and punish at home- she seems to be in shock- very quiet, embarrassed and barely at dinner. She says it was the first time but I’m not so sure as she has had a lot of new clothes over the past month and although she has a job she wouldn’t usually spend so much money.

Errr you need to ask if committing a criminal offence attracts penalties at home? Are you fucking serious op?

Why would you not punish this?

I don’t know if I need to punish because she seems to have got the message loud and clear and is still shaken up but I feel within myself that it’s wrong not to punish her even if she doesn’t need it

If she were my daughter, the consequences would be severe. Stealing is completely unacceptable.

At the very least I'd say pocket money and freedoms for the half term week should be gone. Work, home - that's it.

Oh ffs op grow a pair and parent that bloody child.

I can come imagine you are in a bit of shock as it seems so unexpected. I would ground her/lose privileges but also try to get to the bottom of it. Was she stealing for herself or others? Was it the first time? How is she doing in general.

Shoplifting can be a rite of passage for some, something to do, peer pressure, boredom or whatever. But for some, there could be something sinister going on.

I didn't shoplift as a teen but my friends got caught one weekend. It could have easily been me, caught up in the moment.

Ask her what she thinks you should do. Make her sweat.

I’d be asking to see proof of purchase for all the new clothes for a start and for anything she brings home in the future. Of course you should sanction her. You don’t really believe it’s the first time, do you? Was it a big item?

cherrysoup it was a few items of clothing- but the shop is quite expensive for a teen so it’s not like it was £10 worth

comedycentral thank you. She says it was for herself (which I believe) and that it was the first time (which I’m not too sure about) and I thought she was doing fine in general. She has a good group of friends, doing well at school, can be moody at home sometimes but nothing I thought was atypical. I didn’t think she was the type to steal at all she’s always been quite a goody two shoes.

Parenting isn't always about punishment.

I think you need to get to the bottom of why she's been doing it. How is the rest of her life? Is she happy?

I think punishing her further almost trivialises it - makes it seem like it's just normal bad behaviour when it's so much more serious that.

It's still shoplifting. My DB did it when he was 15, it was only £1 but police were called, he was banned from the shop and given a caution. It doesn't matter how much the cost was.

It could have just been an impulse. Just a stupid decision. If you didn't punish her in some way she would be so confused, it's wrong to steal and she needs to know this. Just keep an eye on how she's doing over the next few weeks. Make it clear that she needs to rebuild trust again.

In theory I would advice.....telling her she cant be trusted. Has to show receipts for everything she buys because u wont have stolen stuff in your house and u cant trust her now. That u are horrified by her behaviour and expected better from her. However given her behaviour suggests she knows the above already i would probably crumble and say draw a line. We dont have to mention it but that cannot happen again.
Different scenario but my ds was out of order recently and I was livid and had planned to come down on him like a tone of bricks. But when I saw how remorseful and upset and ashamed he was. I couldn't. Ended up reassuring him it was ok and going forward he could make better choices but what was done was done and we had to draw a line under it. If u believe she is truly in a bad guilt ridden, feeling ashamed place then no point in keeping her there imo. She has learned the lesson. Greedy is a terrible thing.

You really think criminal activity, albeit petty, warrants NO consequences at home? Yeah, that sends the right message. Just cry and it’ll all be ok

I'd get her to write a letter to the manager and thanking her for letting her off x

My aunt caught her DD stealing a couple of years ago and let’s just say she never stole anything again, my aunt barely let her leave the house apart from school or if she was with my aunt or uncle for ages and she took her laptop and phone off her for quite a while. I think if it was my DD although she’s only 3 so don’t have to worry yet there would be serious consequences when I found out. Of course you have to punish her at home she committed a criminal offence, it’s not like she was caught swearing she was caught stealing! Doesn’t matter if it’s £1 or £1000 it’s still stealing.

She seems to be already quite punished.
I never punish. I don't think it works.

Your dd is a thief. She thinks that's socially acceptable and you are questioning it. There's really no more to say.

She's shocked because she got caught. End of.

You need to come down relatively hard on her for this to prevent her from doing it again. I can sympathise with her slightly though - as a teenager I used to shoplift small items (my parents were well off but I didn't personally have the money for the stuff I stole, or felt guilty asking them for it). I grew out of it though. Try and get to the root of why she did/has been doing it as this is more likely to solve the problem.

AllyBama if I wasn’t conflicted and had a clear opinion I wouldn’t be asking this question

I did the same thing as your DD just after my 12th birthday. I’ve never felt shame like it. I became quite depressed afterwards, I couldn’t eat or sleep. I felt awful. I knew it was wrong when I did it but the temptation and thrill made me impulsively do it (a friend did it with me and was beckoning us on).

My mum didn’t punish me per-say. I had to keep doing my chores and I never complained about doing then after that because I was reminded of what I did. I kept tying to make it up to my mum by doing extra chores and being good to her (I.e always making her a cuppa automatically after she came home from work).

I wouldn’t let her get away with it, be firm. Let her know you’re disappointed. But don’t punish her too harshly if she is clearly remorseful. Let her know that though you’re disappointed she can make it up by working hard at school, doing her chores, etc, and so she will eventually be forgiven and you’ll be proud of her once more. This is not reflective of her life ahead of her if she doesn’t want it to be.

Big hugs, op x

The store have been decent about it and she’s had a lucky escape. I think the main thing is that she never does this again and hopefully she has learned a valuable lesson.
She has to come clean about how many times she’s done this before - don’t let her pull any wool over your eyes - otherwise her relief at the lack of any real consequences for his actions will be short lived . Take the opportunity to speak to her in depth over the weekend .