To ask what to do now dd has been caught shoplifting?

[Carrotsontrees]

I’m at a bit of a loss at what to do and can’t feel any anger, only disappointment. This afternoon I got a call from dd’s (15 years old) phone and it was a loss prevention manager of a high street store telling me I needed to pick her up as she was caught shoplifting. She was visibly upset when there, had definitely been crying, but look so ashamed and could barely look at me when apologising. Luckily, they didn’t press charges or involve the police and she got away with a ban from the shop but I don’t know if I need to take this further and punish at home- she seems to be in shock- very quiet, embarrassed and barely at dinner. She says it was the first time but I’m not so sure as she has had a lot of new clothes over the past month and although she has a job she wouldn’t usually spend so much money.

I think it’s interesting that independently @Thewheelsarefallingoff and I have both offered similar reasons for shoplifting as teens.

I wish my parents had spent some time trying to understand what was going on in my life too

@Isitnearlyweekend I agree totally with your comment. Actions like this do need repercussions and not this softly, softly approach.

Perhaps I am old fashioned, but if you break the law, you should feel the force of it.

I think the police should have been involved rather than her get away with it.

Dear of legal consequences is what keeps most people law abiding imo

Can I ask how many pps fantasising about how strict they would be actually have teenagers?
Sometimes the most important thing is to keep channels of communication open when parenting a teen.
I find mn generally very eanti-teen
Parenting difficult teens is rather like all ofthe things we were certain we would never do before our first babies were born.
Or maybe posters just can't imagine their child to be anything other than the cute little person it is now.

I would talk to her about the cost to the shop, how jobs might be lost, & the cost to consumers. I would try again to see if there was a reason for it - though she might not be able to verbalise it then I would tell her how incredibly disappointed I was and that because she has broken my trust everything new that comes into the house gets shown to me, with a receipt. If she’s generally a good kid, your disappointment will mean much more than her phone being confiscated or bring ‘punished’.

Honestly, the police will very rarely be involved in a one off capture of a teen shoplifting. The shops are able to take care of it themselves, that’s why the employ security. She’s not really lucky they weren’t called, it’s perfectly standard and would be unusual if they were called. There is absolutely no need for scaremongering. Some if you sound like awful parents

*being

@cathf

I guess you would say I've been "fantasising" on how strict I would be if you read my posts, so yes I will answer.

Two boys 17 and 13. And if you read a little further down thread, I did involve the Police with my eldest once.

Probably the most effective thing to do would be as PP said, explain to her the impact on shop staff - tell her that some low-paid shop assistant might have to make up the cost of stolen items and therefore not have enough money for food that week. Teenagers, even foolish/unhappy/risk-addicted ones, tend to have a strong sense of fairness. If you go down the 'find ways to make her miserable because you are bigger and more powerful than her' route beloved of inadequate parents, it won't do any good. She'll despise you, and rightly.

Yes. The punishment to extend to home.

My DS13 did it once at the local shop
they didn't call the police but told me when I came in

he was banned from the shop and I payed for the things he stole with his money and grounded him with no phone for a month he not done it again but I felt awful like a bad parent

I think the police should have been involved rather than her get away with it. She hasn't got away with it, she's embarrassed and ashamed in front of her parents. What is the point of getting police involved, perhaps putting her through the Courts and giving her a criminal record that will show up on job applications for years?

A Home Office study showed that more than 1 in 3 young men have acquired a criminal conviction (criminal convictions, not counting driving offences) by the age of 30 ... but 95% never offend again. Rate is lower for women but same pattern applies.

I can see the point of saying "you're not going into town on your own, not until I can trust you again", but no point in punishment for punishment's sake. Let her face consequences (like not being trusted to go into town), don't apply arbitrary punishments totally unrelated to the crime. Not wanting to let your parents down is a huge motivator even for a teenager ... but only if you feel your parents are "on your side".

My friend stole clothes as a teenager. She had a well paid part-time job. She started off stealing stationary, make up and then CD's, snacks and then clothes. She had a stash of her stolen property hidden in her bedroom. I don't think it's likely to go straight to stealing clothes.

Her parents noticed the new clothes; she said I'd lent them or given them her. They found her stash. She'd also stolen from her job, our school and possibly a few things from other friends.

I think that is the general progression. Her parents made her return the stolen property. She lost her job, was put in detention at school and was banned from many of the shops in town. Her photo was up on display in shops. It was a small town and it really damaged her reputation. She stopped stealing but she suffered for years afterwards and is still thought of as a thief. She doesn't go home to her parents - they visit her a few hours drive away.

Yes. You punish. She’s narrowly avoided having a criminal record and you’re asking if you punish. I believe you said it was several items, not something small. She’s been doing this a while definitely. It normally starts with getting away with stealing one thing and gradually getting more daring.

Perfect time for her to do more studying for her GCSEs.

People that don’t punish will 100% be enabling this. You don’t crumble or put it down to XYZ. Law abiding citizens do not shoplift when things get a bit shit. And we need to teach children better ways to cope with adversity.

Not having consequences leads to the Brock Turner's of this world getting nearly no punishment for rape. (maybe)

I think you need a two-pronged approach. Get to the bottom of the why. Explain that there is no such thing as a victimless crime. You know your daughter so you'll know if she was crying/upset at being caught or out of real shame.

But there need to be consequenses. (punishment doesn't always mean bread and water and a miserable existence). I think you could get her to do something like write an essay about how much loss businesses experience through shoplifting and why stealing is wrong.

I would definitely have at least a week, if not more, of home-school-home and that's it. Limited phone/internet. Chores at home to "earn" the value of what she tried to steal? Also, more because it will drive it home, than to check if she's actually been stealing before now, ask for receipts for all recent purchases, and make it clear that you will expect to see receipts, randomly, in future. I say randomly because if you want to apply that for all purchases she may get sneaky if she hasn't learned her lesson.

Good luck! and don't blame yourself.

This thread is very educational for me.
I was not once, ever punished, for anything.
Everyone makes mistakes and wrong decisions for whatever reason and our actions have impact not only on people around us but obviously on us too. Our behaviour changes us bit by bit. I assume everyone wants to be a good person, kind of proud of who they are.
Punishing leads to trying to avoid punishment in future what could be not behaving in this way, but also just keeping it secret, lying. Prisons don't work. Don't know why home prison would work.
Legally she did something wrong and there could have been worst consequences.She was very lucky.
Morally she did wrong but she didn't bully a person, she didn't hurt someone, she didn't steal someone homework in school just to throw it in the bin so that person would get into a trouble, she didn't joint whole class silently treat one person. I consider this far worst.
Her aim was not to cause harm to someone but to gain a benefit for herself. I think that is important. Fact that it was causing someone (a shop) some harm might not have been on a forefront of her mind. I would bring that up.
Is she ok? Self-esteem wise.

I think there is a difference between punishment and consequences. Punishments like grounding and loss of phone time etc will have an impact, in the short term. But if shes going to learn from this then feeling the consequences of her actions are more important. So the first thing I would do would be sitting her down for a very detailed discussion of how long this has been going on, what she thinks the impact of her actions on the shop staff, and on her parents is. Then laying out to her how your loss of trust in her will have to affect her life going forward. If she were my daughter, I would be expecting to know exactly where she is when not at school, I would be wanting to see all new purchases with receipts, and all of the receipts for everything shes had new recently, and I'd be checking her room with her to make sure she wasnt hiding anything she'd stolen. I'd also expect her to apologise in person to the store manager. Those are not punishments, they are a consequence of her choosing to shoplift. Someone else mentioned that teens have poor impulse control and this is true, the only way this improves though is living through the consequences of those poor choices. Shielding her from that does her no favours.

Restorative justice. Tell her she needs to make up for this by donating to a charity of her choice, enough to stop her doing something else. Then have a chat with her about why she felt the need to do this . Don't shame her but make it clear that it is a criminal act and you are very disappointed.

There are victimless crimes. Being gay is in some countries serious crime. Who is a victim there?

Morally she did wrong but she didn't bully a person, she didn't hurt someone,

Theft from the shop financially hurts the business, a business that has an owner and employees. So yes, take theft to its ultimate conclusion, if it keeps happening, businesses fail, people lose their jobs, can't pay bills, need I say more.

All because of a thief? Sorry, they need to be dealt with in the appropriate manner when they first start.

peoplematter, i hope you don't mind me asking, (and I don't know how to phrase this without it sounding goady, and I'm not trying to be, I'm one of the few who have said 'talk, don't punish' on this thread). So, you say you were never punished, have you gone on to repeat that with your dc (assuming you have some)? Did you still feel cared for, growing up? I'm trying to bring my dc up without unnecessary punishment as a result of feeling unfairly punished as a child. So it would be interesting to hear from an adult who has experienced growing up with no punishment. Basically, would you recommend it?

@Peoplematter is that a rhetorical question?

My 12yo was caught shoplifting 6 months ago. Unpicking it all, the main driver seemed to be feeling an outsider (she's otherwise a geeky goody two shoes type) and wanting to buy friendship. She also wrongly perceived it as a victimless crime. For us, the main consequence was having to earn back trust, so a short period of home-school-home, and much closer monitoring of social media and friendships. We made her write a letter of apology to the store manager, outlining that she now understood the impact on the company, its staff and other customers. We spoke about how lucky she was not to be prosecuted and the impact of a criminal record for a kid who wants to go into the professions. And we looked to be increasingly involved in helping her negotiate friendships and manage difficult emotions.