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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask what to do now dd has been caught shoplifting?

215 replies

Carrotsontrees · 25/10/2019 23:04

I’m at a bit of a loss at what to do and can’t feel any anger, only disappointment. This afternoon I got a call from dd’s (15 years old) phone and it was a loss prevention manager of a high street store telling me I needed to pick her up as she was caught shoplifting. She was visibly upset when there, had definitely been crying, but look so ashamed and could barely look at me when apologising. Luckily, they didn’t press charges or involve the police and she got away with a ban from the shop but I don’t know if I need to take this further and punish at home- she seems to be in shock- very quiet, embarrassed and barely at dinner. She says it was the first time but I’m not so sure as she has had a lot of new clothes over the past month and although she has a job she wouldn’t usually spend so much money.

OP posts:
NearlyGranny · 26/10/2019 14:10

Well, being caught and being upset are not punishments. She's had a shock and felt some shame, but that's all. She's clearly been getting away with it for a little while, at least.

Why not chat to her in a day or two about what getting a criminal record means? If you have a DBS certificate for work, show it to her and explain how it matters. Look at some of the career choices that would be closed to her if she acquires a conviction. She's only a hop and a couple of steps away from adulthood now, so this ship needs to turn around quickly!

Since it was clothes, how about linking the punishment? Ask her to identify the items stolen so far and push a bit of you think she's holding back. Ask to see receipts or her statement if she uses a card. Then bag the items up and make her go with you to a charity shop and donate them. That will be memorable. Tell her from here on, for every item of clothing she comes home with, you will be asking for the receipt, and follow through. Unreceipted items to charity shop, as above.

Look through her makeup with her and check out whether she might have been shoplifting there, too. It's scarily expensive and way too easy to pocket. It's often where it starts.

Have the discussion about 'victimless' crime, retail 'shrinkage', the impact on honest customers, and how stealing is stealing, whoever it's from.

Finally, how about a bit of community service? She could volunteer at the local clothing bank or charity shop to do a bit of sorting, ironing, folding, pricing and display, to ram home that lots of people aren't able to afford high fashion items and lots of people are generous in giving, not taking. The shop need not know why, or what she did; this is for learning, not shaming.

The ultimate, if it ever happens again, is to remove access to all her clothing beyond underwear and school uniform for a week, go back to the charity shop with her and have her kit herself out from there with her own money.

MereDintofPandiculation · 26/10/2019 14:25

Well, being caught and being upset are not punishments. The aims of punishment are deterrence of others (doesn't apply here), deterring future crime, and retribution/revenge. She's unlikely to do it again from what OP says (and punishment might make her more rather than less likely to repeat), and retribution/revenge is for other people's benefit. So in this case punishment wouldn't appear to be doing anything useful.

BlaueLagune · 26/10/2019 14:46

Why not chat to her in a day or two about what getting a criminal record means? If you have a DBS certificate for work, show it to her and explain how it matters. Look at some of the career choices that would be closed to her if she acquires a conviction. She's only a hop and a couple of steps away from adulthood now, so this ship needs to turn around quickly

I agree with this. I can't see how "punishment and loss of privileges (whatever those privileges are meant to be)" will help in any way. What will help is understanding how judgmental society is these days, how a criminal record isn't wiped at 18 for petty crimes (it should be in my view) and could follow her around for the rest of her life preventing her from working in some roles or even helping out on school trips.

For what it's worth, I did some shoplifting when I was younger than her, but I was lucky and stopped before I got caught. There are a lot of pearl clutchers on here who claim they never did anything wrong as a teenager. They did. Maybe not shoplifting, but they did stuff wrong.

What you need to do is make sure that it does not ever happen again.

I'm a bit surprised anyone would shoplift these days with tags and CCTV everywhere!

TarMcAdam · 26/10/2019 14:51

This pussy ass attitude is why she is stealing.

Where are you posting from - a ghetto in the Bronx?

Hagbeth · 26/10/2019 15:01

I would do some detective work on her new clothes, check the labels and match the prices to her bank account.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 26/10/2019 15:35

I would. Tonne of bricks approach. Show receipts for everything that she buys because she cant be trusted. I'd do that for at least 6 months.

DaveMyHat · 26/10/2019 15:42

A few girls shoplifted when I was at school and I did it myself a few times. I wasn't a thief with major issues, I did have issues which I used as an excuse actually when my mum asked why I'd done it. But the truth was I was just doing what I heard others were doing. And at the time I enjoyed the attention it got me... Bit of a bravado thing I suppose. I got caught one day, the shop called my mum who had to come and take me home. I didn't do it again after that. I was terrified when the shop caught me, and so ashamed that my mum was finding out.

Besidesthepoint · 26/10/2019 15:44

This afternoon I got a call from dd’s (15 years old) phone

A 15 year old phone is much too old. You need to get her a new one.

scaryteacher · 26/10/2019 16:01

Tar Thanks!! A PP was pointing out that the research on teenage brains isn't fully wired yet. That may be the case, but the DD made a decision to steal. If I knew it was wrong and illegal in the 70s and 80s, then it can't be that hard to work out that it is still illegal now.

I have a 24 year old ds, so have been through the teenage years as a parent, and I taught loads of them as well. At that age, they do know they shouldn't steal.

billybagpuss · 26/10/2019 16:51

Hope today went ok 💐

Sostenueto · 26/10/2019 22:52

The first big lesson your child should learn from a very early age is that their actions have consequences. If you do not teach them this then your inaction towards their actions will have extremely bad consequences for you, the child and all your family!

Carrotsontrees · 27/10/2019 10:42

Went for a drive with her yesterday to have a proper chat and she admitted that it isn’t the first time she has stolen and that her and her friends have been putting things on in the changing room under their clothes. I told her how disappointed and just shocked I am at her actions which made her tear up again and I do feel like she is genuinely remorseful- maybe more so for the effect this has had on her parents. She’s said that she will put all the stolen clothes in a bag and give them to a charity shop as I don’t want her risking a criminal record if she goes and returns them to the shop. I think we can draw a line under it after this as it seems like the whole ordeal is enough to put her off ever doing it again

OP posts:
billybagpuss · 27/10/2019 11:14

Well done @Carrots a drive always works well as they don’t have to make eye contact

elfycat · 27/10/2019 11:52

I always consider my consequences for DDs with the view to how they would be treated by the CPS if it was an adult situation. Hitting=assualt, stealing is - well stealing.

Obviously this is very toned down for age and situation. But my 'punishments' come down to:

Caution - a chat
Fine - lose out on the next thing I was going to buy that you want (this might be as little as £1 to stick in a getting a useless-planet-destroying-toy dispenser at the leisure centre, or new art supplies.)
Community Service - you do the extra jobs I give you.
Imprisonment - sent for thinking time in their room.

I explain the context of my punishment - You hit someone and as an adult that would be assault and you can be arrested so I think you can go have a think in your room for half an hour. We have rehabilitation - a discussion of how things could have been done better. I also allow 'parole' which we call a-chance-to-redeem.

It sounds complicated and over regulated, but it's simple. 'I think you should go to your room for hitting your sister' - 'That's not fair' - 'She's got a bruise so that's Actual Bodily Harm. I think you'll find it is fair.' - 'Fine.' STOMP-STOMP-STOMP-DOOR SLAM.

So in my weird and over-thought context you were dealing with a shoplifting first offence (though more has come out since, partly because you opened a discussion) and you've given her a family-friendly version of a caution. As many have said up-thread this is a learning curve and this is probably the end of it. We all parent differently but you have chosen one of the effective options out there.

Witchinaditch · 27/10/2019 12:34

Not sure what I’d do but I think the idea of saving up her money to the value of the items and making a donation to a charity is a good idea, Or set her community services by volunteering locally. Also, I agree a large conversation is needed, don’t shout or blame but get to the bottom of Why she stole.

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