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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what to do now dd has been caught shoplifting?

215 replies

Carrotsontrees · 25/10/2019 23:04

I’m at a bit of a loss at what to do and can’t feel any anger, only disappointment. This afternoon I got a call from dd’s (15 years old) phone and it was a loss prevention manager of a high street store telling me I needed to pick her up as she was caught shoplifting. She was visibly upset when there, had definitely been crying, but look so ashamed and could barely look at me when apologising. Luckily, they didn’t press charges or involve the police and she got away with a ban from the shop but I don’t know if I need to take this further and punish at home- she seems to be in shock- very quiet, embarrassed and barely at dinner. She says it was the first time but I’m not so sure as she has had a lot of new clothes over the past month and although she has a job she wouldn’t usually spend so much money.

OP posts:
PhilCornwall1 · 26/10/2019 05:58

I'd consider calling the Police myself in this situation.

I'll probably get flamed (so what), but I did that with my eldest at Junior school (he's now 17 and is doing very well). He wasn't shoplifting, but decided he was going to be handy with other children. The school took too light an approach ( write a letter of apology to the person you hit) and it didn't work, of course it wouldn't.

A visit from a Police Officer telling him of the consequences if he carried on as he got older did the trick. It scared him shitless and never did it again. Yes, people have said to me it was harsh, one even said I was cruel, but it worked.

I don't feel any guilt whatsoever for doing it. The same would apply here.

Applesanbananas · 26/10/2019 06:02

Don't punish, FFS. Punishment is what wankers and petty bullies do to make themselves feel powerful. It will not help.
Talk to her about it, find out why she did it, check she's understood what a stupid thing she did and that she's learned from the experience.

Aww Yes dont punish the poor diddums. let the police handle her next time. Best advice op.

KeepYourCup · 26/10/2019 06:13

My DS isn't a teen yet but I don't think I would punish for this.

You sau she is a generally good kid, so there myst be a reason brhind hrr decision to do this. Tak it through with her, keep communication open. If she lives in fear of what will happen at home, she'll be more secretive further down the line.

She has been caught and had a scare, that's enough for now.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/10/2019 06:40

My dd is 11. I think you need to gauge the situation. Why did your dd do this? I don’t think I would mete out a harsh punishment if one at all with my dd as I’d see it as so out of character and want to know why. I was mortified when I was out with friends, who pinched records. If your dd is generally a good kid and not inclined to tell untruths, Id cut her some slack. If she’s become secretive and manipulative, you’ll need a different approach.

CourtneyB123 · 26/10/2019 06:41

Just because OP doesn't want to go on a rampage at her daughter doesnt mean she isn't parenting her. Every child is different and not all forms of punishment work for every child. Speaking as a daughter who also rebelled a lot as a teenager, punishments gave me more drive. I wish my mum took another approach because there was a lot going on beneath the surface. Approach this however you feel appropriate, OP. Could be impulse, but your best to try have a talk see what's going on in her life. Best of luck

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 26/10/2019 06:41

Some people are very woolly.

I never stole as a teenager, not even sweets. I’m not saying that as an holy than thou comment but I had a terrible home life, mental health issues and we were poor, I never stole because I knew it was wrong. Although I did get accused of stealing money once because of said issues above, it turned out to be a girl from a ‘good’ home who was very spoilt and just felt like she could take what didn’t belong to her.

Stealing isn’t an accidental behaviour, it’s deliberate and I agree that this wouldn’t be the first time yet she is telling you that it is.

At the end of the day different people will have different ways of dealing with things, your job is to ensure she never does it again and she should not lie to you.

Pixxie7 · 26/10/2019 06:44

Philcornwell@ surely we all have to learn that actions hav consequences.

Lovemenorca · 26/10/2019 06:49

So what happened is she got caught, got off Scott free, mummy thinks shes traumatized enough and soon enough the little thief is at it again.
She needs severe punishment. Who does she think she is stealing.

Bloody hell. That’s one way to be a parent, sure. Brutal.

RuthW · 26/10/2019 06:52

It it was my dd at 15 she would be grounded for a very long time.

JustaScratch · 26/10/2019 07:04

I agree with some PPs that you need to get to the bottom of this rather than just focusing on punishment (I'm not saying no punishment, but that's not enough). It's highly unlikely it was her first time - it would be very unusual to start with large items like clothes - kids usually start with something small they can fit in their hand - make up, jewelry etc, and increase as they increase in confidence. I would be giving punishments for not being straight about it. Good luck OP. What a difficult situation.

PhilCornwall1 · 26/10/2019 07:05

@Pixxie7 Of course. Is your comment in relation to my post about what I did with my son?

Sorry if a dumb question, I've been up since 2am and have bloodstream full of codeine Confused

Wallywobbles · 26/10/2019 07:07

She needs to understand how life limiting a criminal record is too. And going to court is a whole level of shameful for the whole family. Makes the act public. Everyone would know she's a thief. No one would trust her in their homes etc. Lay it on thick so she really understands. Would limit her opportunities to travel to some countries.

Rattysparklebum · 26/10/2019 07:13

If you feel she is really remorseful and learnt her lesson I would not punish her, talk about why she did it and what she feels she should do to make amends, if you punish her harshly now she will not come to you in the future if she needs help or is in trouble.

Beautiful3 · 26/10/2019 07:14

Think I would be inclined to ground her for a week. Any new purchases need receipts, so you can verify they've been paid for.

Jenniferturkington · 26/10/2019 07:15

I’d probably tell her that for the next three times she wants to go in to town shopping with her friends she will have a parental chaperone.
And also build up her self esteem so she’s more resilient to peer pressure.
Although I would punish, I wouldn’t worry too much. My friends all got caught stealing from The Body Shop the one weekend I was poorly. No doubt I’d have joined in. We are all functioning professionals.

DoesItGetAnyBetter · 26/10/2019 07:16

Depending on her reason for stealing the shame she has brought on herself is quite possibly enough. The thrill suddenly becomes a lot less thrilling when you’ve been caught.

I would be removing any new items she cannot prove she purchase and donating them to charity.

Keep an eye on her. If she becomes quiet and sneaky I would be checking up on all further “purchases”. If she is genuinely eager to earn back your trust I would say the lesson has been learned.

Positively · 26/10/2019 07:20

sorry to hear this OP, research teenage prefrontal cortex. Her decision part of her brain is not fully developed and she won’t really understand consequences. There is also something here about seeking adrenaline. I was a horrible teenager and I wished someone sat me down and explained why I was acting in certain ways. It would have made a rocky path more bearable. I think you do need to ground her but please don’t come down to hard on her. Explain to her you are disappointed and that you know she is better than this and what can she do in the future to avoid risky behaviour? She needs coping mechanisms to help her say no and not be so easily led by peers or influencers around her.

For what it’s worth me and all my nice middle class friends shop lifted for a few months it passed as we matured. I fully admit it’s awful behaviour we were thrill seeking and not really thinking through the consequences.

Supersimkin2 · 26/10/2019 07:21

OP, nicking a lot of clothes for oneself is not first-time stealing. Shoplifters start small. Professional shoplifters nick to sell to other people/steal to order so check the sizes on what she's got.

First-time thieves don't get banned from a shop either.

Store security knew your DD is a thief before she tried to walk off with the latest haul. Shopping centres and high streets share info about known thieves informally so other shops will probably tail her.

The prosecution threshold in London is £200, so lower elsewhere. DD's bloody lucky she didn't get charged.

A criminal record is a fucking disaster for someone of that age. They don't go away. Contrary to public opinion, it's quite easy for the police to charge and convict, what with CCTV an' all. Point that out, and ask her why she did it.

Narrow escape. Very narrow. Act accordingly.

BlueJava · 26/10/2019 07:29

I would question her very frankly and closely about the other items that you say she has acquired. I'd certainly be grounding her over half term - home/work and that's it and no allowance for however many weeks you think is fair (depends on what you give her). I would make it clear that I am absolutely furious with her and make her promise to never do anything like that again.

sashh · 26/10/2019 07:33

I think if it was my DD although she’s only 3 so don’t have to worry yet

Don't be too sure, 3 year olds can put thinks in pockets.

OP

A conversation needs to be had, maybe not with you but with an adult you both trust to find out why she did this, then punish as appropriate. The adult could be an aunt/uncle she is close to or a counselor, she might not open up to you.

It could be as a PP has said, a rite of passage, a friend egging her on, teenage selfishness.

It could also be someone bullying her into doing it or it could be a cry for attention.

I agree with the person who said write a letter, you should write one too.

She needs to know the consequences of getting a criminal record - what careers is she thinking about?

As she was caught with clothes I think I'd be going through her wardrobe and taking anything acquired in the last 6 months and make her take them to a charity shop.

Then a trip to a magistrates court for a morning in half term.

Supersimkin2 · 26/10/2019 07:33

I volunteer at a charity shop where someone nicked endlessly from all the shop's branches. The stuff was worth a lot less than DD's clothes.

That young lady's now in prison. No drink or drugs - like your DD, just enjoyment. Yep, she got braver (typical) and handbagged the collection tins, which upped the ante and she got sent down.

Huge relief to everyone, her - not so much. Just the 2ps and 5ps in the tin that did it - you'd be surprised how few people get away with it.

billybagpuss · 26/10/2019 07:49

This thread has such a diverse range of opinions and people are so dismissive of the opposing view.

I’m in the don’t punish camp, her teenage brain is rewiring and they do do stupid things. I would however let her know that you don’t believe for one second that the other clothes were honestly obtained and her dishonesty hurts.

But having spent the last 5 years dealing with a teen suffering from anxiety, depression and ED that all started around age 15 you need this opportunity to create trust from her (although it will be a long time before you feel you can trust her again and make sure she knows that)

Good luck op I hope this thread has helped you.

Whattodoabout · 26/10/2019 07:55

Ground her and remove all privileges- phone evenings and weekends, laptop/tablet unless it’s for homework (which you monitor) and games console if she has one. Ground her to the extent she can’t go out over half term at all.

You also obviously need to have strong words with her and explain how damaging this could be to her reputation if the police ever did get involved.

EvaHarknessRose · 26/10/2019 07:58

Talk to her with clear expectations that this never happens again and how she thinks she could repair (she needs to give up any other new clothes that she doesn't have a receipt for - they will give her shame anyway - give them back to the shops or to a charity); give her a chore or responsibility that is also a life skill or let her tell you how she is going to contribute positively having messed up. Then over the next few months you need to help her find purpose identity and self esteem through roles, relationship, interests and activities. Stealing is often about feeling a bit neglected or uncared for on some level (not necessarily by you).

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