To ask what to do now dd has been caught shoplifting?

[Carrotsontrees]

I’m at a bit of a loss at what to do and can’t feel any anger, only disappointment. This afternoon I got a call from dd’s (15 years old) phone and it was a loss prevention manager of a high street store telling me I needed to pick her up as she was caught shoplifting. She was visibly upset when there, had definitely been crying, but look so ashamed and could barely look at me when apologising. Luckily, they didn’t press charges or involve the police and she got away with a ban from the shop but I don’t know if I need to take this further and punish at home- she seems to be in shock- very quiet, embarrassed and barely at dinner. She says it was the first time but I’m not so sure as she has had a lot of new clothes over the past month and although she has a job she wouldn’t usually spend so much money.

@hairydogsofthigh I was punished very rarely and for minor things. Serious things were always talked through, because there was always a reason. Yes it worked, but I think that is also because I was treated with respect as a child. I do not mean the kind of treating kid as a mini god that I sometimes see described as respecting a child, but treating me as if I mattered and listening to me.
At 15 she is nearly an adult. She needs to learn to do the right thing by herself. I see it almost like teaching a skill. In the same way as long as your DC is NT, you are not going to be round to cajole and push them to get dressed, they need to learn to do it themselves. You are also not going to be round to punish her if she does something wrong, she needs to learn to do the right thing for herself.
There are comments on this thread that the only thing that stops people breaking the law is fear of consequences. That might be true for some people. But I don't think that is a good aim. You want DCs not to break the law because of their own moral sense of responsibility.

Well handled turnofthescrew

I shoplifted from HMV when I was a teen- a sum41 and an Avril Lavigne CD. There was nothing wrong, just a stupid impulse decision. The alarms went off as I left and I legged it. Luckily I got away but it scared me so much I never did it again.

I guess good kids do dumb shit and a decent scare might sort it out.

But there must be consequences, proportionate ones, for breaking the law. Otherwise we don't need laws.

And that is proportionate isn’t it? She was held under a citizens arrest and her parents were called. She was banned from the shop. That’s wholly proportionate for a 15 year old first offender. What do you want to happen?

I used to be involved in youth conference where young people who shoplifted had to meet the shop staff or owners and explain themselves.Learning from the police that a shoplifting conviction could leave them unable to travel to the US was a huge shock.
You know your daughter best but if it was my child I'd want to formalise her experience and ask the police youth diversionary officer to speak to her.This has to be a turning point for her and she'll need to examine her friendships, who she can shop with etc.She's a child and this is a valuable learning experience.

jennymanara thank you for taking the time to reply, i think your phrase treating me as if I mattered and listening to me is what i try to do with my dc and what was missing from my childhood.

100% agree that shoplifting such high value goods was not her first foray into this world. I would also strongly believe that other friends would have been involved on some level.

I would set her some community service of your choosing and obviously give to charity any stolen clothing.

I would also get her to research and writs an essay on the impact on the life of a young person who has a criminal conviction. I very much doubt she will reoffend after this.

I was caught when I was about 14/15 with a friend I would regularly go shopping with. We weren't 'bad kids' and no one would of ever thought we'd be the type to do this we were both from a normal hard working family with no problems at home. I can't remember how it started but we done it quite a few times before we were caught. Mainly clothes, from different shops. We were eventually caught in primark of all places when they'd caught us on the camera changing a sticker from one item to another and then going to pay for it. (We did pay for some items to make it look less obvious). Then the security took us into the back of the store and searched us so they found the other items we'd stole from that shop and another. Police were called, parents were called and we had to have a police interview another day and a criminal record which stayed with us for 3 years and banned from the shopping centre for a year. It was an awful terrifying experience and we completely learnt our lesson and never committed a crime since. It was the thrill of getting away with it each time, we were young and naive.

Since there's been no real punishment for your daughter I think you need to make sure she understands she absolutely understands the consequences of shoplifting but ultimately you know your daughter best and deal with it how you see fit.

@Peoplematter

I was not once, ever punished, for anything.

Really? Never ever?

You ask for receipts for all her new items. If she has none you ask her how much each thing was and anything that does not add up to what she earns you bin. You ask for receipts in future. Remove her electronics, make her write a letter to the store apologising for her actions. Then you make her work her arse off around the house and garden. Tell her she has to do xxxx hours house work. Consider it community service. She's lucky because a crimal record could stop her doing some college courses and would make it very difficult to find a job. If you don't punish her it will continue

. If you don't punish her it will continue

Do you know the rate of re offending post jail sentence. It’s astonishing. I’m afraid it’s not quite as simple as your logic.

I agree with multivac. So many posters on this thread who write in cliches and use the latest buzz-phrase as some sort of wisdom. They sound like utter knobs who shouldn't be near children let alone have them.

OP, I expect you've told your daughter how disappointed you are in her behaviour? That would do it for me, I am devoted to my mum and genuinely disappointing her with criminal behaviour would be a huge detriment to me.

You know your daughter; what do you think she still needs in terms of this incident? I agree with PP that talking to her to find out why she did this would be a good first step. If you think she needs further consequences then give them - and explain what they are and why - and give a duration. Open-ended seems like an exercise in futility.

She's a teenager, committed a crime (that many do) and got caught. It's good that she got caught and hopefully will have learned a very pointed lesson. Adult crime has the potential to blight your work potential permanently. That's a good point to make too.

Kudos to you for posting on this board and managing to ignore the smuggery from those who live to kick others down.

Someone asked, upthread, how many people actually have teenagers. I forgot to say that I have an adult child, now a junior doctor. They didnt get caught as a teenager doing anything that might have prevented them from entering the occupation of their choice.

One of their friends had parents who were not really into letting children feel the consequences of their actions - the child has come through it now but went through years when they were drug taking and had multiple partners. Being your child's friend and not their parent can damage the child's future.

"Punishment" rather implies that you are going to beat them or lock them up indefinitely - and it is being suggested as if it means not talking to your child. You should talk to your child and explain why there are consequences for their actions.

Recalling some of my own teenage thinking: although shoplifting is unequivocally wrong, "right and wrong" in general is rarely as black and white as that. Children and teenagers see adults pushing boundaries all the time: crossing at the red man, haggling to pay less than the marked price, arriving after the time stated on a party invitation. (I had very black and white thinking as a teenager, and I was astounded to learn the last two things were "normal"!). I expect some teenagers see shoplifting as "pushing boundaries", until they are caught, so then they do need a shock to learn that is one rule you don't break. I also think it doesn't help calling it "shoplifting", rather than stealing. Think of Peter stealing coal in the Railway Children, and calling it "mining". Also, children who point out rules all the time tend to be very unpopular: I learned this the hard way, so which rules you follow and which you don't become blurred in a teenager's mind.

As for what happens with your DD now: yes to talking, yes to consequences, for a short time, and keeping an eye out for her doing it again. However, I think it could lead to other problems if you demonise her, and stay on her back for too long, without saying anything nice: she might feel as if she has nothing to lose, that she's irredeemable, and might start erring in other ways.

When I was 13-14, although I loved rules, I got into a terrible negative spiral with my mum about schoolwork. When I was lazy for a term in year 8, and only worked in the subjects I liked, she then micromanaged my homework (she was a teacher), and was more and more "down" on me about it: checking it every day, making me rewrite essays if she thought they weren't good enough, but not giving many positive strategies. For the subjects I liked less, I didn't want her seeing my teachers' negative comments, so ended up just not doing the work at all, lying about what homework I'd been given, and got into even more trouble, including forging her signature on detention forms, so she wouldn't find out (she found out about some of them). The more angry and disappointed and punitive she was, using phrases such as "I can't trust you an inch!", the more I refused to do anything. Eventually she realised I simply wouldn't hear it from her, so she got other people to talk to me (which was less emotional for me and her), and which did make me pull my socks up.

I'm not saying any of what I did there was right: just laying out my teenage thinking.

If they are stolen she should give the money back to the shops involved and apologise.

Don't fkg do that - they could prosecute and she could end up with a record.

Talk to her thoroughly about why she did it and the consequences if she does it again.

Make sure she understands that having the coolest/priciest stuff doesn't get you friends or boyfriends, or if it does they not friends or boyfriends worth having. Talk about real self esteem & real friends.

I’m in the minority here along the same line of thought as you op. Knowing you’ve fucked up and feeling that shame and remorse is enough; my own mother even now as an adult will haul me over the coals over and over and over. Life isn’t worth living.

It kind of sounds though that the OP hasn't even really had words? Correct me if I'm wrong OP! I would personally suggest there had to be some consequences, punishment doesn't have to be brutal as some put it. Writing a letter of apology is not a bad idea for a start, maybe taking away some privileges for a brief time. But at the very least, surely you need to have a serious chat with her? At the moment it sounds like there hasn't been.

I’m afraid any of mine caught doing it would have serious consequences, removal of phone/Xbox for the foreseeable, not allowed to associate with whoever they did it with etc. Our job is to raise respectable members of society not be their best mate.

*Positively I'm in my 50s. I knew when at primary school that stealing was wrong, and I never shoplifted, not least because of the consequences if I was caught. Lots of my friends at secondary did it, but not me.

If I understood this from an early age in the 70s and 80s*

Congratulations.

Punishment without understanding or getting to the bottom of any issues ... (If there are any) .. pointless and very poor parenting.

My ex was caught shoplifting before we met. He told me he was so ashamed that he would never consider doing it again.

Oh grow up @Thatssomebadhatharry. What would you do, knock her about and lock her in the cellar? Easy to spout a load of crap on the Internet isn’t it

Sometimes no punishment is worse than punishment, exactly the sawm thing happened to me as a teenager. My mum collected me and said very little. My dad said vert little and I basically couldn't look them in the face for weeks. I'd have rather have been punished so it felt okay after... And I think they knew that. Instead I suffered horribly wondering what they were thinking 🙄 so I'd just tell her you're disappointed, you expect better and leave it at that. She'll punish herself 😁