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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what to do now dd has been caught shoplifting?

215 replies

Carrotsontrees · 25/10/2019 23:04

I’m at a bit of a loss at what to do and can’t feel any anger, only disappointment. This afternoon I got a call from dd’s (15 years old) phone and it was a loss prevention manager of a high street store telling me I needed to pick her up as she was caught shoplifting. She was visibly upset when there, had definitely been crying, but look so ashamed and could barely look at me when apologising. Luckily, they didn’t press charges or involve the police and she got away with a ban from the shop but I don’t know if I need to take this further and punish at home- she seems to be in shock- very quiet, embarrassed and barely at dinner. She says it was the first time but I’m not so sure as she has had a lot of new clothes over the past month and although she has a job she wouldn’t usually spend so much money.

OP posts:
thisisthetime · 25/10/2019 23:25

I got caught when I was 14. I wasn’t a ‘bad kid’ or anywhere near a delinquent. I was more like a ‘goody two shoes’ for want of a better term. I got a thrill from it. Never big things, shops like Superdrug, boots, Woolworths etc. I got caught in a shop with two friends one Saturday. We were all crying, shocked, so scared of the consequences, getting a criminal record, our parents.

I’m not saying this is right but they called my house. My dad answered. He came and picked the three of us up, dropped my friends off then dropped me 10 minutes away so my mum wouldn’t know we were together. He knew she’d be so upset and wanted to spare her. He didn’t tell my friends parents. He didn’t punish me apart from giving us all a bit of a talking to in the car and just being incredibly disappointed. I never shoplifted again. I’m a civilised member of society and have never committed any kind of crime since then.

Take what you want from that. You know your daughter best. The only part I still think I definitely wouldn’t do with my own dc was not tell my friends parents.

pooopypants · 25/10/2019 23:26

Is she embarrassed that she did it or embarrassed that she got caught?

Sounds to me like the latter

Parent. Your. Child.

Sparklesocks · 25/10/2019 23:26

You need to ensure she understands the severity of the situation, so that she won’t be tempted to do it again. It’s also an opportunity for you to teach her that her actions have consequences.

Noti23 · 25/10/2019 23:27

I also think I should point out that I didn’t get any favours/privileges for a long time after. I wasn’t allowed to see friends outside of school for a few months. It was something I quietly accepted I deserved.

Scratchyfluffface · 25/10/2019 23:28

Of course you need to punish her at home, otherwise you are pretty much condoning it. Stealing is not acceptable behaviour and next time she may end up with a criminal record

Drinkciderfromalemon · 25/10/2019 23:31

If it were my teenager, she would have had the mother of all bollockings, phone would be gone for a good while and she would be on school-house-school for the foreseeable. Mine would cry because she had been caught out, I know she would be gutted, but i would be damned if she thought it was that easy to get over it. They fuck up, there are consequences and being banned from a shop is hardly a punishment.

AgeLikeWine · 25/10/2019 23:32

I was caught stealing chocolate from Woolworths when I was a teenager. They did call the police, and I got a massive bollocking from a very big, very loud, very intimidating police officer. I had never been yelled at in a threatening way by a man before, so I was absolutely terrified of him and sobbing uncontrollably.

They didn’t press charges, and I never dared go in the shop again, but I never stole anything again, either.

BumbleBeee69 · 25/10/2019 23:32

Why the need to steal ? are you say she has a job ? what is her reasoning for this criminal act ?

PollyShelby · 25/10/2019 23:32

I was caught shoplifting at 15, was shocked and frightened and never did it again.

My parents saw I had learnt my lesson and didn't punish me.

I was suffering from an eating disorder at the time and shoplifting was my way of taking my mind off it. My mum spoke to me and got to the bottom of it, and I had a trip to the doctors and a long recovery.

Talk to her OP.

PrincessScarlett · 25/10/2019 23:34

Punish maybe the wrong word but you can't do nothing or you are condoning her stealing.

If it were me I'd have a serious talk with her. It sounds like she's been doing it a while if she's had lots of new things lately. When I was at school girls were shoplifting to sell to friends in the playground. I think she should have to show receipts for everything until she earns your trust back.

Original poster
Carrotsontrees · 25/10/2019 23:36

bumblebeee69 yes she does have a job but even if she didn’t there would have been no need to steal the goods she did. She says she doesn’t know why she took them, she thought she could get away with it and saw it as a victimless crime but now feels very guilty apparently as the loss prevention manager told her all about the damage stealing does to the retail workers while threatening to call the police

OP posts:
Birthdaycakemondays · 25/10/2019 23:36

You’re her parent OP, you know her best. She’s not the first, & wont be the last teenager to steal to then go on to be a perfectly normal, law abiding adult.

She’s probably embarrassed, ashamed, upset, & quite shaken up by the whole ordeal. I bet she won’t do it again.

I would speak to her, find out why she’s done it. Ask her how she’s feeling now & if it was really worth it? Then I’d give her a hug, & tell her we all make mistakes and move on from it.

Maybe with hold pocket money up to the value of the items stolen then get her to choose a charity to donate it to. But nothing severe, I think that’d just feed into her anxiety over the whole thing. But that’s me..

HairyDogsOfThigh · 25/10/2019 23:37

Wow, people are harsh. Why do you see 'parenting' your child the same a punishing your child?
It sounds like she's remorseful, had a scare and will probably never do it again. I would use this as an opportunity to talk with her to check there's nothing serious underlying it, make sure it's not a cry for help. I'd also let her know i was suspicious about the other items she's recently acquired, not in an accusatory way, more in a 'is there anything else you'd like to confess to to get it off your chest' way. I'd also explain very clearly what the consequences would be (from the police) if she continues down this route. She's been caught once, they will catch her again etc, etc.

Most children know stealing is wrong and a punishable crime, so I don't see how coming down on her hard changes that. I'd use it as a chance to build a better relationship with her, rather than a worse one (which punishment would do).

DonKeyshot · 25/10/2019 23:37

When young people steal it's generally to compensate for what they perceive is a 'lack of' in their lives.

This could be due to lack of self-esteem and feeling they will be esteemed by having nice clothes, a lack of love - feeling that they're not loved or siblings are more loved than they are, perhaps they feel they're not as clever as others and stealing is way to prove they can be clever at getting something for nothing, the list is endless and even if it comes down to pure greed there's a hunger to to fill the 'lack'.

I don't see the point in punishing her, but a serious talk is in order. On this occasion she's been lucky as the store is not pressing charges, but if she does it again she's at risk of having a conviction on her record that she may not be too proud of when she's applying for jobs.

I wouldn't be pulling punches over the seriousness of this as it could haunt her for many years to come and could lead to a situation where a conviction-free candidate is chosen over her. Ultimately she has to see that it's not worth the risk as she could even be barred from entering certain professions and of getting visas to enter some countries.

MyKingdomForBrie · 25/10/2019 23:37

Some of these responses are such bullshit - 'she thinks that's socially acceptable' of course she fucking doesn't!! That's why she's ashamed and shocked. She's a teenager whose brain has not yet fully developed especially in terms of consequences. She needs you to help her not to just mindlessly punish her.

Reach out and really talk to her, set out the consequences of getting caught for stealing, set out the impact of stealing on the victims, treat her like a human being not a dog.

FrancisCrawford · 25/10/2019 23:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tillytrotter1 · 25/10/2019 23:37

She seems to be already quite punished.
I never punish. I don't think it works.

Being banned from a shop is hardly a 'punishment', they seem to have let her off lightly and you want the parent to further abrogate their responsibilities? She'll be laughing all the way to the next shop/victim in a few weeks and they, hopefully, won't be as soft.

I never punish. is an indication of a lack of concern or responsibility.

multivac · 25/10/2019 23:38

Ugh. The main problem with the modern tendency to use 'parent' as a verb, is the way it stops people thinking about what 'being a parent' actually involves. If you mean 'Punish. Your. Child.' - then say that. And then explain exactly what you think it will achieve.

5zeds · 25/10/2019 23:39

Go through all the recent “purchases” on her bank statement. If they are stolen she should give the money back to the shops involved and apologise. I’d have her at home or out with you until you’re sure you can trust her.

Mummaofmytribe · 25/10/2019 23:39

One of my DC tried this caper once years ago. Shop owner called police but didn't press charges. I think DC was 14 or 15.
Anyway I made him go personally to the shop (he was rightfully petrified) and apologise in person face to face to the owner who was then able to tell him the effect theft had on his business and how by not pressing charges, DC was being given one chance to improve himself.
DC never did it again after that dressing down. Plus I bollocked him. It was an expensive item of clothing he just "wanted". I made my disappointment very clear. A lot of teens shoplift and it has to be nipped in the bud with a strong reaction IMO

tillytrotter1 · 25/10/2019 23:40

She's a teenager whose brain has not yet fully developed especially in terms of consequences.

What utter rubbish, a child taught right from wrong understands consequences from an early age. Amazed at how many people are making excuses for her stealing, speaks volumes really about the attitudes of many on here.

FuriousVexation · 25/10/2019 23:41

what is her reasoning for this criminal act ?

Well I'd imagine because it's easy, and because it's cheaper than paying for stuff.

I shoplifted like a fiend when I was in my teens and working. I was on £2.20 per hour. Of course I was going to steal a dress costing £15 from Dorothy Perkins.

Eventually I joined the adult world and got to understand about the costs to business owners etc.

Maybe there's a video or programme you could show her about the cost of low level thieving?

"Take phone away" consequences aren't going to work, IME.

LittleCandle · 25/10/2019 23:42

I would be raising my voice very loudly and for a prolonged period of time before confining her to her room with no electronics and no pocket money. I would be insisting on escorting to anywhere she had to go and making it quite plain that she has to earn your trust back - and that will take a long time. No friends round. No visiting friends. Shock tactics. She is 15 and knows better - or she should. Of course you should punish her! What the hell are you thinking!

independentfriend · 25/10/2019 23:46

I think you need to find out, so far as she can tell you, why she did it - the thrill? being bullied into it? [if she's normally well enough behaved for a teenager, I'd be worried someone was exploiting her in some way and want to make sure that wasn't true] is she unwell? [some serious mental health things tend to present in the teenage years, so worth considering]

You might think about encouraging her to see a counsellor - maybe via school/a youth service/privately - though this won't work if you force it.

She needs to learn about the long term implications of convictions for shoplifting - how this might impact her choice of career and/or her current job.

You need to help her with strategies to not break the shop's ban, if it's somewhere her friends might encourage her to go.

Are there any reasonable ways for her to earn more money, if she wants more money to spend on clothes etc? Can she do more hours in her current job and still keep up with homework? It's worth thinking about how much money you give her/how much choice she has around buying clothes/toiletries/fun things and how much you or other people buy for her [not in a rewarding her for her bad behaviour way, but if you're still operating the way you did when she was much younger, it might be time for a rethink in a couple of months]

GooseFeather · 25/10/2019 23:47

All these holier than thou parents. OP has come looking for guidance, and is getting a pile-on from people who have probably never handled a similar situation. How do you all know she only feels guilty because she got caught? Most normal people feel a huge amount of shame when caught breaking the law, because they know it is wrong.

Listen to the posters who did similar and how their parents handled it, without rage and going nuclear.